STBXH won’t allow me to contact DD when he has her

[sunshiney78]

Hello. My STBXH has DD6 every other weekend with OW. She’s very attached to me and has told me that she gets tearful at night when she’s with her dad because she misses me. This W/end I wouldn’t have seen her from Sat am to Mon eve as I’m working tomorrow & she is with childminder a after school. STBXH is dropping her off at school tom.
STBXH has Narcissistic PD & was & is EA & verbally abusive towards me (Can’t believe I still have to deal with this, but any contact re: DD ends up hostile from his side).
This weekend he isn’t answering my calls or texts asking if DD is okay & can I FaceTime.
Firstly, I do hope she’s okay. Secondly, how can I stop him from doing this?

verboten!! I mean get it.....

I wouldn't dream of contacting the children during contact time with their dad. I value my time off and he needs to be a full parent during that time not a babysitter.

Unfortunately, there's not a lot you can do. You saw what kind of dad he was and chose to have a child with him anyway.

His time with her should be his time. If you call her, you're weighing her down with the responsibility that she must be available to chat to look after you too...

I would absolutely dream of my contacting my children during their time with their father if he had a fully diagnosed personality disorder and had previous history of not feeding or properly looking after the children.

@TatianaLarina

If he had a previous history of not feeding the children or looking after them properly, I'd question why this wasn't a case for neglect / going to court?! A phone call wouldn't solve it!

As it's not going to court, and the OP sounds like a good parent (and would act if she felt it necessary) I suspect that isn't the case. It's more about the relationship between the parents.

I suspect the OP picked up the slack with her step kids and the new partner will be expected to do the same. Not a great example of parenting!

If he had a previous history of not feeding the children or looking after them properly, I'd question why this wasn't a case for neglect / going to court?! A phone call wouldn't solve it!

As it's not going to court, and the OP sounds like a good parent (and would act if she felt it necessary) I suspect that isn't the case. It's more about the relationship between the parents.

Yes quite. This is my feeling too.

A diagnosis of NPD along with failing to feed the child or prioritise their needs would trigger concerns in professionals.

Yy me too. How is a phone call to the DC going to help?!

It’ll just piss off the abusive NPD person and it does absolutely zero to help the safeguarding risk!

If he had a previous history of not feeding the children or looking after them properly, I'd question why this wasn't a case for neglect / going to court?! A phone call wouldn't solve it!

So would I.

A phone call wouldn’t solve it, but would help keep tabs on him. If the OP were ever concerned about neglect issues, she might need to take it to court.

Ime actively abusive husbands is a) don’t necessarily come to attention of proffessionals and b) courts can still award contact.

This forum has plenty of examples of both.

^^ professionals

And that should abusive and/or mentally ill husbands.

What a bastard making her eat in a different room. The house would have smelled of eggs so what was the point!

I give my kids a kiss on the palm of their hand sometimes to put it in their pocket and use when I'm not with them.

I like the idea of your love button though it sounds wrong written down

Buy her her own phone.

@TatianaLarina

A phone call wouldn’t solve it, but would help keep tabs on him. If the OP were ever concerned about neglect issues, she might need to take it to court.

Agreed. It doesn't seem to be going to court though, which suggests the OP doesn't think it needs to.

OP said the divorce and finances are going thro a lawyer, and that she is considering organising contact through them too, so it doesn’t sound settled yet.

To affect his contact she would have to have significant evidence of neglect. His sleeping when his children were there, not feeding or washing them when she was on hand, wouldn’t cut it.

I don’t want to reduce his contact unless he wants to. He travels a fair amount with OW’s job, so he often misses days which he’s not keen to make up, which is fine with me. I was just thinking about formalising things so I don’t have to deal with his shoutiness or nasty texts when I question him about getting times wrong etc.
He hasn’t been officially diagnosed with NPD, but has all the traits. He left his ex wife with 2 DD 4 & 7, without a backward glance, can’t believe I was so gullible to think it would be different this time.

@sunshiney78 I'd get things official and on a pattern, if he is frequently cancelling or not turning up then record it. You want to show you played your part in case he tries to imply you are at fault.