STBXH won’t allow me to contact DD when he has her

[sunshiney78]

Hello. My STBXH has DD6 every other weekend with OW. She’s very attached to me and has told me that she gets tearful at night when she’s with her dad because she misses me. This W/end I wouldn’t have seen her from Sat am to Mon eve as I’m working tomorrow & she is with childminder a after school. STBXH is dropping her off at school tom.
STBXH has Narcissistic PD & was & is EA & verbally abusive towards me (Can’t believe I still have to deal with this, but any contact re: DD ends up hostile from his side).
This weekend he isn’t answering my calls or texts asking if DD is okay & can I FaceTime.
Firstly, I do hope she’s okay. Secondly, how can I stop him from doing this?

I don't see how it can be good for her to see a man who makes her eat two rooms away from her because he doesn't like the smell of her food!

@waterrat I agree with you "Do you know anyone who is friends/ family of his that could mediate between you on this?"

Try the nice and soft approach but if it doesn't work, try something else.

He sounds like a bit of shit to be honest! Emotionally abusive to you, still. Not really looking after his own kids while you looked after them when they were your step children. Not sure how great a time she will be having with someone like that. Does she tell you what they do when they are together?

"We agreed to one FaceTime call in 48hrs. He’s not allowing this, so I texted to ask how she is. I wouldn’t expect to call or text more than once for a 2 night stay."

If you are at a point in the future or now when you can afford to speak to a solicitor I would be looking to renegotiate the visits to a shorter time as he is not allowing contact in those 48 hours and your child needs to have some contact with you. And, I really don't know how you phrase this, he seems like he may not be brilliant at looking after her. Making her eat alone two rooms away with closed doors is bordering on abusive to me! If that is a regular occurrence it is appalling. What the hell was she eating!

@RickGrimesStoleMyHat "I used to sit next to dd when she phoned her mum, and basically watch her get more and more upset as the call went on with her mum saying how much she missed her."

That does sound grim and wrong of the mum. Hopefully OP your calls would not be tell her you missed her but rather to just chat, find out what she is doing at her dad's and hopefully this would eventually not be necessary.

@BewareOfDragons Sun 21-Jan-18 15:42:08
"Stop facilitating his phone calls for a few weeks while she's home with you."

The thing is the calls with mum are for the child not the adult. Presumably she doesn't ask to speak to dad when he is not there, if she does, the mum allows it, if he calls, mum allows it.

Is it that she asks or her calls, @sunshiney78

I don't mean to be nasty but it may be he can manage fine without calls from her but the child cannot manage without calls from mum, and possibly also from dad. So the child would lose out.

it actually makes it worse when children are homesick to talk to the parent or FaceTime.

I disagree. It might be different for some children and situations but we found it helped DS enormously after his dad and I split up. He was a similar age and he knew that if he were missing one of us, he could always call.
He did it a few times at the beginning but hasn't for a long while now.

I've always had an amicable parenting relationship with my ex though.
I'm not sure it would work for OP though. I'd be worried about him making her eat away from everyone else though. That's weird.
How is she otherwise than missing you?

or he (dad) calls...

Tit for tat in this situation isn't fair on the DD though is it, the Ex having no contact with his daughter for 12 days isn't the same situation with OP's anxiety over just 2 days when she already has her the majority of the time. Of course if he insists on phoning every day that's more comparable to OP's own request and could reasonably be cut down if it unsettles DD, but to suggest no contact for nearly two weeks at a time in retaliation for wanting an uninterrupted weekend is just spiteful.

She was eating something with scrambled egg & he doesn’t like the smell of eggs (not allergic or anything)
She doesn’t ask for him when he’s not around, so the phone calls are him wanting to speak to her.

IMO if there is an issue re her not feeling safe and secure at your ex’s then it’s that that is the issue. I doubt very much that you calling her would be helpful with that as it’s not going to make him into a better parent and actually it risks you getting abused and her being on the receiving end of his rages re you calling.

@sunshiney78 "She was eating something with scrambled egg & he doesn’t like the smell of eggs (not allergic or anything)" I guess if it is a one off I'd understand but in our family if one child was eating something I couldn't stomach my dh (the kid's dad) would probably sit with them, and vice versa. I guess if this is not a regular thing I'd not be too bothered! I mentioned it twice in my post by accident!

"She doesn’t ask for him when he’s not around, so the phone calls are him wanting to speak to her." I would not stop these, I would show him how reasonable you are and hope he will follow suit. How often does he call?

It’s 3 days that I won’t see her for btw as I get home from work at 6:30 tomorrow.

We have a “love button” on our palms which we charge by holding hands. Then when she’s away & missing me, she can press it to get mummy love & hugs.

He didn’t have to sit directly next to her eating her eggs. I don’t like scrambled egg but if wasn’t under his nose, I doubt he could smell it acutely. Dick . Does this sort of thing happen often?

It’s erratic *Italiangreyhound”. When he’s on holiday with OW (twice in past 6 months), he called once (to show her their private suite & swimming pool, but said he didn’t have money that month to help with swimming lessons) , otherwise it’s every 3 days or so, but really depends on OW schedule. But I don’t want to stop any calls from him to her. I want her to have all the love and attention she can get from her dad.

Love button sounds good. . My dd has a magic teddy, that’s why I mentioned it. I’m not split from dh btw. It is she, who decided her teddy is magic when she was about your dds age, the teddy protects her for example.

He sounds like a massive cunt tbh. Is this a legal arrangement because if not I would be tempted to make it so and you can ask for phone and face time contact to be included.

Divorce & finances are going through lawyer. But thinking about doing contact arrangements through them too as it will hopefully limit my exposure so his general anger.

I think on the one hand (no pun intended) the "love button" is a super cute idea which sounds lovely and comforting in the short term, but on the other hand does it reinforce to your DD that her Dad's love whilst she's there is not enough? And that really she "needs" you all the time? I dunno, I think you're trying your best and your ex sounds like an arse but you admit you have anxiety, I wonder how much of that is unintentionally passed on to your DD. Can you get some professional advice at all?

You need to assume she is ok.
A few sessions with a family therapist might help.you to come to terms. And see if there is anything untoward.
In three or four years she can take a mobile.

I honestly wouldn't worry about calling her - it'll undermine his time with her, and make her think there is a need to worry. He is also her Parent.

In terms of the egg thing - children exaggerate wildly. My SK do it all the time - 'mummy, I was force-fed vegetables' Etc. And my own kids do it too - I take it with a huge dose of salt. If there is genuine cruelty then that's another issue, and should be dealt with. But take care she doesn't start to play you off against each other. If she sees you becoming angry / upset at his supposed 'treatment' of her, then she'll continue to do it. It happens with my Stepkids a lot.

Finally - I'd be very wary of saying when he 'left us' - the relationship ended between the two of you, not between him and his daughter.

It sounds like you're hurting - and with another woman on the scene I don't blame you at all. I've been there and it's a killer! There was a really interesting section in Woman's Hour this week about how to handle children during and after divorce - I think it was either Monday or Tuesday - worth a download!

She definitely didn’t make it up as she mentioned it in passing as part of something else. I didn’t react to it & stbx reluctantly confirmed it.

I don’t see his phone calls to her as undermining my time with her.

I never say he left us in front of DD. But when he chose to go on Tinder, have an affair, and refuse reconciliation, he also chose to give up parenting her 85% of the time.

You're hurting, and I get that. I do! It it comes across very clearly in your posts, and this last one just highlights that it's hard for you to deal with. The reason I said it could undermine your daughters time with her dad, is that it could make her feel insecure and that there is something to worry about. Equally it could make her miss you more. Maybe he's worrying about that. If I was him, that's how I'd see it.

(Incidentally I didn't say she was making it up - just suggesting that all children exaggerate)

The 85% parenting (or 15 in his case) is the result of a decision the two of you have made (or one of you). It could have been 50/50, 70/30, or nothing.

Take care OP

Is he fully diagnosed as having a personality disorder?

Either way I can see why you’re concerned about her time with him when you saw him treating his other kids badly.

I’d never dream of stopping a child talking to my husband if they wanted to. Sometimes they just need reassurance that can and then they don’t need to.

Been there done that, get her her own phone x and remember she won't b 6 forever x there will come a day when she sees him for who he is xxx

As your dd couldn’t have cooked scrambled eggs for herself, I assume that either her dad or another adult made that choice for her, and then she had to eat two rooms away from him? What a knob.

As DD doesn't ask to speak to him, I would refuse to allow his calls the same as he is refusing to allow yours.

You saw he was a crap dad to his DDs when you had a relationship with him ....as you took care of them.

That should have been a warning. You had the perfect opportunity to see what kind of dad he was.

Unfortunately you have to ride this out, as he isn't going make this go as you want.

@sunshiney78 "Divorce & finances ...thinking about doing contact arrangements through them too as it will hopefully limit my exposure so his general anger"

Definitely do everything to verboten all set out as will work best for all of you