Am I right to be pissed off about this?

[Gigimoll]

Okay.. So I'm currently 30 weeks pregnant with our ds. Our dd is 9 months old (I know before anyone says, it's soon)
So my partner was recently let go from his job. Whereas I'm working and back to work now. He's had a lot of spare time on his hands when our dd naps etc and he's decided to get back in touch with an old friend. I say old friend, he's been nothing but good to my fiancé. But sketchy with me as he's always expressed a more than friendly interest with me. But I think he's a creep. I know he's had convictions, on the register and raped people. He's been a disgusting human being. But he's "chilled" out a lot now since having his own ds and getting engaged. I'm not sure how much I believe this cause there was a time a few years back he saved every single Facebook picture I've ever took on his phone. An I've never ever expressed a hint of interest to him. As much as my fiancé really gets me down sometimes, he's still my life partner and I'm somewhat happy.

Anyways. So after a few short weeks of those two getting back in touch, I found out today that this friend is coming over Saturday.
While I'm at work and my fiancé had NO insentive to tell me. Originally my fiancé was meant to go over to his so I could stay at home with dd. I was invited but I don't get on with his fiancé and I'd feel awkward.
So I'm pissed off. I'm pissed off I'd have had to have come home from work after a long morning shift really struggling now with spd, back pain etc and not being able to leave so soon cause he can't get a job and deal with this creep.
I don't want him around my daughter unless I'm there.
This house we're in is my childhood home. I run it. I maintain it. I pay for it. I work hard for it to try and get the mortgage to buy it from my dad. As far as I'm concerned, it's mine and my children's home. Not my partners sole home and he has the right to invite people in not keen on around my back and around dd without thinking he should inform me.

Am I being pregnancy hormone unreasonable or am I in the right here?

I work 9 hours on a Saturday. I don't want to come home to them both screaming over a game. I want to come home and relax. But I mean, a but of notice would be appreciated from him!

So he will be in your home with dd when you are out?

I don't want him around my daughter unless I'm there.

That's the main point and you should make it clear to your DP.

I think YANBU and I would ban this nasty bloke from the house. If your DP doesn’t live there full time, I don’t think he should be inviting people round , especially people he knows you don’t want there.

He lives here full time but since being let go contributes nothing. Well.. He didn't contribute much on a decent wage. He just spent on stupid stuff and paid the virgin bill. (WiFi etc) that's it but it's more for him anyway as I don't want much TV etc to save on electric. I can't afford much. What got me was I bought this up that a bit of notice would've been nice and he couldnt understand why. I got "well. You're at work".
Who the hell else has he been inviting?!

Wait, your fiance is FRIENDS with a rapist?

Ohhhhkayyyyy......

Suggest he has his boys night at his mates. He has no right to have him around your dd at all.

It was years ago - but nevertheless yes and she was under the legal age if what people have said is correct but he's a complete slime ball. All he ever tried to do with me was get into my knickers and I've not once had any of it. I can't stand him. Even if he was the last guy on earth.
Obviously dp doesn't know much about it cause I didn't want to cause a fight at the time as at the time, this friend was his boss and he needed the money. But now, psh.. It's ridiculous. I'm more pissed he's inviting someone around my home around dd and without telling me.

I'm tempted to loose the days money and do it the day after (my day off) and say I have an appointment for my baby. I can't believe dp thinks it's acceptable to just not tell me and act like he never came over.

Usually I'd say YABU - if it's his home then he should be able to invite people round. But wow,what sort of a guy is happy to hang out with a sleazy convicted rapist?!

Christ this sounds like a lot of drama. You're "somewhat happy" and pregnant for the second time in a year? Your partner can't be arsed to get a job and you'll have two children in the next couple of months? You really need to put a boot up his arse regardless.

I will say this - I've been with DH over a decade and I love him very much. But if he was knowingly friends with a convicted rapist, potentially child molester, who constantly perved over me, and DH brought this person to my house without my knowledge around our kids... he would be my ex husband.

How have you not told him about the way he's been towards you? Tell him straight, you do not want this vile rapist in your life, in your house or around your kids. End of story.

It sounds like there’s three issues:

1. his friend is a convicted rapist and you don’t want him around your daughter so he shouldn’t be and that should be your priority
2. he’s come on to you and that’s not ok and your partner deserves to know
3. you feel that because he’s not contributing he shouldn’t be treating your home as his own; I do understand the frustration of you being the only one working but it is his home, not just somewhere he’s staying

In one ear out the other unfortunately. He's trying to get a job but just didn't contribute much. He's just too bloody picky as he's of course a victim and feels like the world owes him something when it doesn't. Why should it?

know he's had convictions, on the register and raped people. He's been a disgusting human being. But he's "chilled" out a lot now since having his own ds and getting engaged

Yes rapists often chill out after a while.

What (other than stress) does he give you

Yes! He's like a lodger who treats it like a hotel. I'll admit he's getting better with cleaning and he's started helping me more, but everywhere is still a mess an he can't see it!
I think that's also why I'm pissed. I come home knackered and mucked up anyway, I have rheumatoid arthritis so its hard enough as it is being heavily pregnant with problems and he's sat there talking to his friends. You're right, it is his home and I don't want him to leave. But come on, not even thinking he should inform me to me shows a bit of lack of respect. I always tell him even if my mom is coming over. Even then he complains. My mom has gotten so ill, she has a growth etc and she's so frail and poorly and on her own and he gets pissed off when she comes over and asks him to help her quickly take some tiles out her car for our kitchen. Our benefit.

Security as its an unsafe area and about 70% care for me with my joints. Some help with housework. I'll give him this, apart from this situation, he's a really great dad that'd do anything for our dc. But any nice man could do that I suppose.
I made my bed with him. An now I've got to stick with it. To split up would be worse than to have him around. I wouldn't want him to leave anyway. I just need him to get his arse into gear and get into the real world and stop victimising himself.

IMO this is a OH problem not a friend problem.

Your OH is friends with a sex offender.

Your OH doesn’t worry that said sex offender has online stalked you and creeps you out.

Your OH believes it is OK to invite a sex offender who has online stalked you and creeps you out into your home, when your daughter is there, without even letting you know it is happening.

Your relationship gets you down and you are ‘somewhat happy’

Your OH doesn’t contribute to the home.

And FFS I made my bed with him. An now I've got to stick with it. no! This is so wrong.

You’ve perhaps made the wrong choice re being with him up until now but it is totally mental to think you just have to be with him forever and it is done now.

Why on earth would he even consider being a grown up when no matter how he behaves you will stick with him?!

Let him move out, he can move in with his sex offfending mate and he can carry him financially if he likes him so much.

Suppose I'm just content with feeling safe and having someone around.
I think it's the thought I like. Not the reality. I feel so.. Worthless. Every bit of money I have spare goes on either my dc or him. He had an xbox from me for Xmas which I've worked my ass off trying to pay off the credit card on my own. I had nothing.
I had nothing for my 21st last year.
I've had to sell everything valuable to me even dresses etc to live and have a roof over my dd head. I have nothing anymore and it crushes me when my mom asks where all my jewellery is for her to look at and I have to lie and say it's lost. I'm not happy. But I have to be.
For him to move out, he would move back to his family miles away and my kids would be dragged miles away over 3 bus journeys to a place with no hope that isn't easy to get to and I can't cope with that.
The situation works if he stays. That's it.

But it’s not working is it. Your unhappiness pours out from your posts. You don’t have to accept the status quo. You should not have to buy his love with an x box and put up with thid

It's not wrong though, I can't have my children at whatever age going miles on 3 buses to see him around his family. I know a court wouldn't let this happen them being young but eventually it would and then I have no control and it'd be even worse. As bad as it sounds, here hes under my thumb apart from this incident which I'm putting a stop to even if it means swapping my days around at work.

This is no life.

At no point have you said you love him. What are you teaching your kids about relationships? You are so young. He is a drain on your resources anyway, why are you buying him games consoles?!

Tell him to sort his shit out, or get out. He needs to contribute, he's made two kids with you, he can't just sit on his ass.

That doesn't seem to matter anymore, I'm only here really for my children to know what's going on and I'm so upset he felt the need to invite someone over who's dodgy and not tell me and even risk it. I don't think his friend would do anything. But even so. It's never worth a risk around a child.
My happiness stopped becoming a priority a long time ago. I just live for my children's happiness. I'm so down and feel so stuck and I can't keep living in this denial but really, I don't have a choice because aside from this, he's a great dad and he loves them so much and I could never stop him seeing them

That’s so sad you sound so worn down.

If he chose to go home to mummy and daddy he would have to come to you to see the DC. They would be too small to be taken miles on buses.

Little and often re contact with very young DC is what’s recommended.

Dragging babies on 3 buses just so they can see him is ridiculous.

He could easily meet you at a play centre and see them there. Or actually sort out living like an adult in his own place near to his DC.

Why the ever loving fuck is your partner friends with a bloody rapist!?

Not only would I not let him in the house at ALL, I'd be telling him to cut contact entirely. Jesus wept. That's revolting.