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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I right to be pissed off about this?

57 replies

Gigimoll · 20/01/2018 22:03

Okay.. So I'm currently 30 weeks pregnant with our ds. Our dd is 9 months old (I know before anyone says, it's soon)
So my partner was recently let go from his job. Whereas I'm working and back to work now. He's had a lot of spare time on his hands when our dd naps etc and he's decided to get back in touch with an old friend. I say old friend, he's been nothing but good to my fiancé. But sketchy with me as he's always expressed a more than friendly interest with me. But I think he's a creep. I know he's had convictions, on the register and raped people. He's been a disgusting human being. But he's "chilled" out a lot now since having his own ds and getting engaged. I'm not sure how much I believe this cause there was a time a few years back he saved every single Facebook picture I've ever took on his phone. An I've never ever expressed a hint of interest to him. As much as my fiancé really gets me down sometimes, he's still my life partner and I'm somewhat happy.

Anyways. So after a few short weeks of those two getting back in touch, I found out today that this friend is coming over Saturday.
While I'm at work and my fiancé had NO insentive to tell me. Originally my fiancé was meant to go over to his so I could stay at home with dd. I was invited but I don't get on with his fiancé and I'd feel awkward.
So I'm pissed off. I'm pissed off I'd have had to have come home from work after a long morning shift really struggling now with spd, back pain etc and not being able to leave so soon cause he can't get a job and deal with this creep.
I don't want him around my daughter unless I'm there.
This house we're in is my childhood home. I run it. I maintain it. I pay for it. I work hard for it to try and get the mortgage to buy it from my dad. As far as I'm concerned, it's mine and my children's home. Not my partners sole home and he has the right to invite people in not keen on around my back and around dd without thinking he should inform me.

Am I being pregnancy hormone unreasonable or am I in the right here?

I work 9 hours on a Saturday. I don't want to come home to them both screaming over a game. I want to come home and relax. But I mean, a but of notice would be appreciated from him!

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 20/01/2018 22:54

I am so sad to read you say that "obviously" your boyfriend doesn't know much about his rapist friend (Hmm friend?) pressuring you.

Because actual, no - that's not obvious.

Don't you know, that the vast majority of relationship, you'd just tell your boyfriend all about it - he'd be horrified, and have nothing more to do with his 'friend'.

This situation is so bad - a rapist of an underage CHILD has now "chilled" out, that I was tempted to break MN rules and call troll. Because it's just almost (almost) unbelievable that a woman would put up with this shit.

cordeliavorkosigan · 20/01/2018 22:54

You can’t spend the next 50 years with this guy! RIp off the bandaid. It’ll be ever so much better. Do you want to be 40 and still paying for this guy’s video games? Get him out. He doesn’t make you safer or happier or complete. You’re so young . You get one life. Don’t waste it with him.

Original poster
Gigimoll · 20/01/2018 22:56

At that point he hasn't lost his job and wanted to get my present as he had a decent pay package. But then work really screwed me and underpaid me by around 700. An he paid off a chunk of the credit card so he was low on money too. I needed it for bills. That's why I bought it. Usually I wouldn't being as though he couldn't even be arsed with a card on my 21st and he made my day hell complaining at me that he didn't like where I wanted to go (I was 35 weeks pregnant with dd) and he got pissed at me on the night when I refused to have sex with him because of how let down I was

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 20/01/2018 22:56

Your children’s happiness relies on you being happy. You would not need to drag them on 3 buses there would be other solutions

Dealing with it the way you are helps no one

Offred · 20/01/2018 22:59

When your DC are old enough to make the trip you may feel differently.

ATM you have one small baby and are pregnant and feeling vulnerable so it is probably hard to imagine that you might feel differently in the future.

Do you think his family would put up with him mooching off them eternally?

And it really makes very little difference that he lives with you, you actually can not control him no matter where he lives. He’s either someone who can be trusted with children, someone who can’t, or someone who needs supervision.

Him living with you gives you an illusion of control that isn’t real and actually it wears you down so much that you are fading away as a person.

Offred · 20/01/2018 23:01

You allowing him to continue living with you is actually pretty much guaranteeing he will never grow up.

He’s protected from all the consequences of his choices.

Original poster
Gigimoll · 20/01/2018 23:04

I am. I have nothing apart from dc. Nothing anymore.
My mom came into work today and I can just tell she won't last long and it's killing me. She's the only other thing I have that I love so much and need. She's my best friend. I do have other friends but in person I'm extremely private and wouldn't dare bring this topic up with anyone. Not even my best friend.
He only has his gran who he doesn't get on with. We spoke about it the other week during an argument and he said he would most likely end up homeless if anything happened to her. Not what I want around my dc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gigimoll · 20/01/2018 23:09

I've really thought about before giving my ds up for adoption as much as it would kill me. My kids are everything but I find myself wishing the contraception hadn't have failed. He wasn't planned but how can I bring another into this? I have everything on a shoestring with my dd and she's here. I'm more attached to her right now. I want what's best for him.
I don't want to give him up. But this situation really makes me consider it.

OP posts:
bobstersmum · 20/01/2018 23:10

Errrrm I would be putting my foot right down hard on this one, this guy needs to go and find someone else to play with.
Keep him out of your house and preferably away from your oh as well. Nothing good can come of this relationship.

Offred · 20/01/2018 23:10

What is happening with your mum is incredibly sad and hard, I’m sorry. Flowers

You have your DC, you have your home, you have your work but most importantly you have you.

You feel like you are fading away because of how difficult things are but you are young, you have your own home, soon to be 2 DC, and you are carrying a really useless and draining manchild even though you have a really challenging long term health condition. That means that you are an incredibly strong and capable person who is worthy of a huge amount of respect.

Offred · 20/01/2018 23:12

Things would be infinitely easier if you got rid of the manchild.

I know you don’t mean it about DS and adoption, you are just desperate and can’t see a way out.

Cleavergreene · 20/01/2018 23:17

A partnership or relationship if you will is a transaction. Not an equal transaction, granted. It’s a choice to both enter and remain in a relationship. I’m just trying to work out what you "get" from your relationship? "Being a good dad" seems wholly inadequate to me.

Quite frankly, I think the issue is your partner. Not mr rapist. I think your partner needs to grow the fuck up or get the fuck out of there (via your size ten boot). But that’s just my view.

Your kids don’t want to grow up seeing an unhappy mum, toiling away, thinking that’s all she’s worth. Is that the values you ant them to grow up with? Is that the self worth you want them to think they can aspire to?

I’d kick his lazy arse out tbh. And I’m not a man hater, given my gender.

Mxyzptlk · 20/01/2018 23:33

Tell your DP about the rapist guy coming on to you, and keeping your photos.
If he understands that the guy is a creep, you have a chance he won't ask him round again. Otherwise, he'll just ask him without mentioning it to you at all.

It does sound as if you'd be better without your fiancé though. His fussiness about what sort of job he'll accept is totally selfish as it's putting such a burden on you.
He's the one you'd be better without, not your DS.

Original poster
Gigimoll · 20/01/2018 23:48

The guy kept these pictures of me on a public Facebook album. Dp knows about them. That's the thing and he knows that he was telling me his down region size etc :(

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 21/01/2018 00:10

I feel sorry for you. So young and you have a pretty useless BF.

Stop spending money on him

Mxyzptlk · 21/01/2018 00:16

Tell him you need him to get a job, even if it's not the most exciting one, as it's too much stress on you with things the way they are.
And stop spending money on him!

MummySparkle · 21/01/2018 00:24

Are you entitled to any benefits now he is out of work? It sounds like you are struggling financially and I know how stressful that can be. It might be worth talking to citizens advice about it all. I'm not sure how Jobseeker's Allowance works if you are working and he isn't. But that might be worth looking into.

As for his 'friend' coming to your house you need to have a VERY firm talk to your DP. So-called 'friend' makes you feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. Under no circumstance should your dauchter be around him and he is never allowed in your house. If your DP wants to stay friends then you have to let him, but your DP must tell you if he is going to meet up with 'friend'. He breaks any of these terms and he is out of your house and not coming back. No second chances.

How old is your DP?

MummySparkle · 21/01/2018 00:26

Thinking about it, a lovely lady at the children's centre helped me with benefits applications when my DCs were tiny. She was really knowledgable. Might be worth going down to your local one if it's not too far.

notapizzaeater · 21/01/2018 00:33

You sound beaten down with it all. 😢

Christmascardqueen · 21/01/2018 00:53

OP you need to set the bar higher. kick the deadbeat out.
you would come home with more inner peace knowing what state YOUR home is in and who has interacted with your child.
honestly being single for the next 12 years would be a blessing compared to time with this fellow.
honestly dump the chump.

Mxyzptlk · 21/01/2018 00:53

He should get JSA for 6 months, based on his NI contributions and regardless of your earnings.

Quartz2208 · 21/01/2018 09:05

Your partner sounds just as bad. He sounds like he doesn’t care about you. Staying is not going to make your children happy. Is he a good and involved dad at the moment. It would be easier without him for you

SellMySoulForMoreSleep · 21/01/2018 12:26

Please don't marry him. No one should talk about their fiancée and say "I am somewhat happy".

WhiteWalkersWife · 21/01/2018 19:56

What kind of dad is this man to let his dd be in the same house as a man like this? Let alone remain friends with him.

Yanbu op.

Offred · 21/01/2018 20:08

Well, the implication is that he’s the kind of man that think rape is not really a big deal.

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