Brave Babes Battle Bus: Next Stop Fabulous February

[SweetLathyrus]

Hi, I'm SweetLathyrus, Sweet for short, and I've been on and off Gerald the Brave Babes Battle Bus since 2014. Over the years, lots of us have maintained the thread, most of all the lovely Mouse, who has been here since the early days, and still scurries onboard when she can.

The bus is a place of support, safety and occasional silliness for those of us struggling with our relationship with alcohol. Some of us are sober, some are trying to be, some are moderating and aren't ready to give up alcohol just yet.

So whatever your reason for questioning the whys and WTFs of your drinking, hop on board, make yourselves comfortable and join in. Driers and Triers, all welcome.

2018 has been a busy year so far, lots of new travellers as well as old faces; if you want to read back on the journey through Dry or Dryer January so far, here's the link to the last thread

And in case you want to know how it all started, here is the link to JWN's original, inspiring thread.

Join us on our journey, you won't regret it.

Saywhen

You are moving on and you are strong.

The thing about the Bus that I love is that no one judges. If you fall into the sidecar, the support is huge to try again, but no one is judged for the number of attempts - except positively, because they are trying, and trying again. I know that there are some for whom our approach doesn't work, the talking about drinking doesn't seem right, but if we all stayed away until sobriety 'stuck' then we'd be alone.

85 days is wonderful, you and all of the other Babes who have managed long periods (especially you, Spanna, how are you?) are an inspiration.

Thank you sweet. I completely agree xx

mint I was thinking of holidaying in the Trossachs this year and having seen those adorable fluffy haggises/haggi? I am more determined than ever!! I can't wait to see them roaming around the loch banks

Thanks for the shout outs on my work situation - yes he is a bully. It will be fine. I still lecture (posh word for teaching) sometimes even though I am not really supposed to at my level. It's absolutely the best part of the job. The rest of it, in FE anyway, is just mind numbing paperwork and reporting. I need the salary though.

TRIGGER

saywhen I was raped when drunk. I willingly left a club with this bloke I had only just met and "went for a walk" to a local car park where he raped me. It happened a long time ago but I know other people who have had similar experiences, including a friend who was so drunk she could hardly stand so accepted the offer of her taxi driver to help her into her flat, where he raped her.

I still blame myself a little bit because I am in charge of my own safety and made some stupid decisions. Not condoning what he did in any way. Women should be able to wander the streets in the early hours, partially dressed, drunk as skunks and not be at risk of rape. Sorry, this is getting a bit heavy for a Saturday morning!!

I am planning to stay home all weekend as have loads of work to do. On Monday am meeting DD in London and we will have a few drinks, which fits in with my moderated plan of only drinking 2/3 times a month and only outside the house.

This weekend I will not be drinking.

I can't believe I'm on Day 34 as things have been so stressful, the stuff with my Dad, stuff with my Daughter which if I posted about no one would believe me and call me a troll ( that's how MN seems to be these days ) and my partner has had no work since November ( plus the fallout still from Hogmanay)
So many times I've wanted to reach for the wine. Luckily I'm doing shed loads of overtime at work so by the time I get home, I shovel some dinner down me and then bed.
rothbury
They taste good too
Saywhen
Look at you on 85 days!!!! Well done!!
I also want my coil removed as it's been like a chemical castration to me.

TRIGGER WARNING
rothbury I'm sorry you have experienced too. I was 18 and sounds similar to your friend. Very much relate to feelings of guilt and shame about making a poor choice. But no crap choice deserves that.

It puts it into perspective for me thinking about a time I found someone paralytic - I helped them - not hugly but what i felt able to do safely. I didn't see this as an opportunity to abuse them.

Onwards and upwards.

mint wow go you for living through all of that without wine! If you can get through this you can get through anything!! Hope you're ok.

such strong, strong women on this bus.drunk, sober or in between you are all inspirational.
Dh and I talked - well i confronted him abut something and he tried to deny it and then pretended everythihg was ok. I am staggered at how much he is in denial about our situation. i even said that i wasn't going with him on his route to self destruction and was taking legal advice on my positions, and even that didn't get a response...

so today I have been painting the kitchen, partly to keep busy and mostly with an eye to making this flat sellable. Then i worked out the finances to see exactly where we are at and who has control of what.

DS wants a Chinese takeaway tomorrow for this birthday so that's easy enough. He's not really getting any presents to speak of as he got a BIG present combined Christmas and birthday ( a MacBook) so he's just getting a hoody and some Gorilla Snot.
DD1 is supposed to be making a cake but I see no evidence of this actually happening so far...

Rothbury, that is awful. But now you are strong. Enjoy Monday.

Mint you are doing so well, processing all of that sober, if you had been drinking, the emotions you are dealing with now would just have been stored up to bite you further down the line.

Ma, you are obviously in a more determined place now (or maybe more desperate, but I hope not). Good choice by DS, but what is gorilla snot?

By the way Ma thanks for the AF Heineken recommendation, it's so good I just had to stop opening a third bottle!

For now, I think my relationship with alcohol is ok, I take the decision not to drink, no bargaining with myself, no complicated rules That makes it sound way easier than it actually is). But now I really need to sort out my eating, I haven't lost any weight, I go to the gym at least three times a week, walk the dog twice a day so it has to be my chocolate and cheese puff habit.

This morning, my knickers were tight .

Gorilla Snot is stuff that drummers and guitarists rub onto their hands to help grip picks and sticks. A bit like gymnasts and resin. it's a great name for a product i think.
sweet i suggest bigger knickers a la Bridget Jones...
Day 27.

And there was me thinking it was a stocking filler like farting putty , Brilliant stuff!

At the rate I'm going, it'll have to be bloomers!

Day 27 YAAAH

ma my DS17 is a musician too. He plays most instruments but plays in two bands and is drummer in one and bass player in another. It's always noisy when he is at home!!

I have never heard of Gorilla Snot!! But I might buy DS some as a surprise now

No desire to drink, not even AF beer.

I din't know if it works, but it sounded fun. it's just a little tub
Have had two AF beers and will have to stop otherwise I will just keep necking them all night.....

Yes please I'd like to crack on with no drinking. Last year I managed a pretty substantial period - 4 months.. would like to do same again and extend...

Welcome Heloise. Settle in and tell us as much or as little as you want. Four months was a.good stretch.

Night All

Hi all you beautiful babe's on the brand new shiny thread.. thought I'd lost you all for a minute. I've not really had a proper chance to catch up....just wanted to say I'm still on the bus - 76 days worth of on the bus now......I'm snuggled at the back lying low and just keeping on..... I'm learning a lot on this journey but it still feels scary as hell. Somewhere along the way I found my boing but lost it again.... I know that I don't ever want to go back to drinking and there are lots of positives... just feeling quite low and extremely tired. Had a difficult week and feeling pulled in all directions. But this I know..... I do not want a drink. I want to stay dry for life. I want to be free to live the life that I can only hope to imagine alcohol free. I can do it. I will do it. I can see 100 days on the horizon, just in sight, though still quite far away. But what then?? It will seem like an awfully long plod if I just keep on counting out the rest of my days! At what point do you stop counting? Do you ever? I'm scared of losing it all. Scared I might give in one day and will ruin it all.

But for now I will not drink. I will be on this bus till I'm a little shrivelled up old lady! Sending you all masses of love. I started to catch up on the old thread but there was so much stuff to read and already 10 pages in on this shiny new thread! Well done everyone for clinging on to the bus. ..... here is peace and kindness and hope xxx

bee very much relate to what you say. Also have day 100 looming it's a real roller coaster isn't it?

Huge congratulations for day 76!!

Morning All.

Blessed, congratulations on a super 76 days. I suppose you stop counting when you no longer need the goals, or you shift your focus from days to months.

I was looking back at some of my posts, as well as reading Claire Pooley's blog. She advises writing down all of the reasons you are quitting, all of the crappy things alcohol does to you, and that you do (or don't do because of it. If you don't it's like childbirth, you forget the pain and are more likely to do it all over again.

And I realised, I've been skating over the awfulness this time, I've tried to minimise and wear the sobriety lightly. The truth was, I was in a state, I was only just coping with my job, I wasn't parenting, I wasn't doing enough self-care, I sat on the sofa night after night, refilling a glass until I was ready to pass out. I preferred to drink alone, and if I had a work from home day, I would start as soon as I thought it was safe - no-one would knock the door and find an open bottle. Worst of all, this year, three friends have been diagnosed with breast cancer, one died in the Summer, another is in the middle of chemo now, and for the other, this is a reoccurrence after three years in remission. I'm scared that I have pushed my luck. I can't take good health for granted any more.

And there are the 'little' things, I was paranoid about my breathe; I have been getting fat; rosacea getting worse; I get nothing done in the house. The anxiety that I wasn't staying on top of things just led to more drinking and less getting done.

Sorry, probably all a bit much for a Sunday morning, but we are nearly at the end of Jan. I needed to get it down, to be more honest, to make sure I remember why I need to carry on.

Morning Everyone

Happy Sunday to all

Sweet thank you for that little mention - I am A OK, lots going on but I won't bore you all with my rock n roll life (NOT)

Bee lovely huge congratulations on Day 77 today - you are doing so well your post has moved me as I have felt exactly the same on my journey and can relate to so much of what you've said. My big start to this AF journey (still AF to date ) started with 100 Day challenge as the days went by it did get easier but I also started to get to the end of 100 days and almost went into a blind panic - which went along the lines of....oh shit what do I do now, do I celebrate, fuck I've actually nearly done it (sorry I am a huge swearer ) I can't believe I've stuck at it, all sorts of thoughts were whirling around my brain - and what I realised was the core thought was 'I really like being sober and I much prefer who I am'. Soberdom is very fragile & precious (as great line of Margie's) I feel the same as you 'I don't want to go back' for me I just don't think I could do this all over again and I don't want to break the spell
So when I reached 100 Days my mates (especially my drinking buddies) were saying 'so Spanna are you going to celebrate' and what they actually meant was 'get hammered' with them! Just running up to 100 Days I made the decision (much to my mates shock) to do another 100 Days, which I did, then I thought what the fuck do I do now, fuck it, I may as well do a year - which I did.
My advice - just keep going - don't project too far into the future. It may help to do it in blocks of 100. Whatever works for you.
You mention counting the days - yes we may be counting the days forever but I can assure you that (I have 'I'm done drinking app) I looked at it less and less, now it's if someone asks me, or I think randomly how many days is it. I happened to look at my app on Christmas day and it said 1000 Days - that was the best present ever. I have a feeling of pride when I look at the app now.
The 'boing' will come and go - it's life, it gets in the way, we all have our ups and downs - it just feels a lot rawer when we're completely sober, no booze to hide behind. Huge hugs Bee you are awesome and I love your posts. Keep going

Apologies for essay

Ma Happy Birthday to DS I hope he has a splendid day. You are doing amazing babe

Welcome Heloise you're in the right place, take a seat and have an opal fruit just don't take the green ones, eyeballs you

Mint I want a haggis!!! I hadn't realised they were so cute. You are doing amazballs. Mwah x

I'm going to post for fear of losing this post.

Love to everyone x

Xpost Sweet sorry too busy typing an essay!!!
Great post and very honest - always good to mark your thoughts and how you're feeling. Try to look at the benefits and not what you're missing (I know that's easier said than done) literally take it one day at a time. You know yourself it does get easier. Once the weight loss starts (it WILL) that will be a good motivator. Change your habits, do things differently - sorry I know that you know all this and I in no way want to sound patronising or smug! Being sober does give us a glimpse into what our lives are really like, what we've been running from, almost who we really are, our problems and worries are magnified as there's no booze to create the haze - it can be an emotional roller coaster. Hold tight and white knuckle ride it Sweet do you think you could keep going for another month? or change this into 100 Days challenge......are there many excuses flashing through your brain as you read this, have you already found some reasons not to? Surely it's worth a try just FOR YOU x

Spanna, not patronising at all. The thing is, I didn't want this just to be DJ, I want it to go on, for lots of reasons, I want to gain the flip side of all the crap I listed! There is a mini bottle of Champagne that was in my Xmas stocking, it has sat on the coffee table all through January, I'm going to put it away today because getting to the end of Jan isn't an end, it's a beginning.

I think, 100 days is the next goal, That will take me to end of the teaching year, I think, maybe a day or two past. And that's only ten weeks, it goes in a flash.

How did the gymnastics comp go last weekend?

Saywhen huge congrats on 86 Days you are amazing. What are you planning to do once you reach 100 Days?

Roth & Say I'm so sorry that you've both been through your experiences. I too have a few drunken awful, frightening moments which I reflected on yesterday and frankly I'm so glad I'm still alive! There have also been many 'cringe' memories for me and complete black outs of special occasions, moments of which I just can't remember awful, I'm cringing now as I type

Margie how you doing babe? Beaches come say hello? sidecar or not we don't care! has the snow melted? Guggs darlin you ok?

Baby are you ever lurking still?

Sweet you've already 28 Days into 100 days (that's how I would look at it) or maybe as you say fresh 100 Days - good plans ahead, seriously do not project too far ahead. This is still not forever for me either, I just can't look at it like that. I will be here to support you all the way DD & her acro partner came in 3rd with a bronze medal. End of March is end of season and they all get really stressy as the club changes partnerships and trios around, DDs top is getting too tall and therefore too heavy for her to lift her over her shoulders (if that makes sense) sorry you did ask

Morning! Glad you’re all enjoying the AF Heineken, after an in-depth study I think it’s definitely the best!

Bee, I loved your post, so much of what you said rang a bell. Everyone says to take one day at a time, but I also got to the point where I realized that I needed/wanted to be AF forever. And even though I’ve got a shit gene pool, forever is still a bloody long time! Trust yourself. Keep the reasons for not drinking at the forefront of your mind. As Spanna says, you do stop counting at some point. I know I’m on day 160something but I don’t look at my app every day. Not drinking is my normal now. And it’s not all hearts and flowers, I’m going through quite a shit time at the moment, but the desire to want to fix/forget everything by covering it in booze has gone. You can do this Bee.

Sweet, loved your post. I think writing it down and making yourself accountable is a great thing to do, it’s the reason why Claire Pooley and people like her began their blogs in the first place. Last year I did Dry January. For the first weekend in February I was on a work trip in the States and got incredibly, unprofessionally drunk with people I had only just met and was supposed to be impressing. Cue enormous paranoia and anxiety. For people like us it’s just not worth it - the decision to have one drink is the decision to have hundreds.

Ma, look at you on day 28!!! Well done hon.

Welcome Heloise. Hugs hugs Spanna. Miss you Elba.

Sun shining here in Foreign Climes and I’ve got a very long run to do today, half marathon next Sunday. Can’t wait until January is over, been a tough one for me. Happy Sunday to all babes, you are all wonderful.

Margie, lovely to see you, so impressed by any proportion of a marathon, as well as your 160+ days. Getting ratted in the US is pretty difficult, their beer is like piss and the wine selection is often poor. But it's those events that we need to remind ourselves of I suppose. I have a work 'do' next week with the nicer team I work with (I work across two academic departments); it is probably no coincidence that they are also the team that doesn't need alcohol to be nice to one another! So I will have a colleague who doesn't drink because they are missing the capacity to process it, another who is incredibly disciplined about not drinking during the working week (but we don't talk about her gin drizzle cake ), and as it's Thai, I won't feel I need to make up for the tasteless veggie option with wine.