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Original poster

Is this a friendship or a relationship?

60 replies

Kinunir · 20/01/2018 09:52

I'm so confused!

I've been seeing a woman I think is amazing for a couple of months now and we have our tenth date tonight.

In between dates we talk constantly - a few texts every day and a phone call or two pretty much every single day since we first met.

All good so far, right?

Lately, however, the conversations have tended to be more about some bad stuff she has going on in her life (job pressure mainly) and less fun.

Also, she doesn't appear to be physically interested in me at all - a passionate kiss at the end of the date is as far as things have progressed in that area.

So, the question I'm asking, is whether she sees things as a friendship only, despite stating otherwise?

OP posts:
VetOnCall · 20/01/2018 10:01

Have you been to each other's houses for dates or just public places? It's obviously harder to progress the physical side if you're never properly alone. Does she kiss you passionately at the end of every date? Do you hold hands or touch in other ways? Is she tactile? Flirty? Are you?

By this point I would be expecting some kind of progression on the physical side. It's clearly bothering you so you're going to have to talk to her about it, that's the only way you're going to know for sure.

Hellywelly10 · 20/01/2018 10:17

you could tell her how you feel. I dont snog my friends. What do you want?

Original poster
Kinunir · 20/01/2018 10:22

vet I have DC at my house which makes it awkward. None at hers though, which is where I drop her off at the end of each date. A little bit of handholding, I'm flirty, she isn't particularly.

helly No way am I telling her how I feel - I already feel like I'm way more into her than she is into me! I want to know where I stand, to know that I'm more than just a guy who listens to her problems (which in itself is not an issue, I'm happy to be as supportive as I possibly can).

OP posts:
Greatestshowgirl · 20/01/2018 11:01

Does she invite you in at the end of the night?

userxx · 20/01/2018 11:11

She's either very shy and waiting for you to make the first move or she's just not into you. Ask her to invite you in for coffee after the next date. You'll soon know your answer.

Hellywelly10 · 20/01/2018 11:51

If you don't make you feelings known then things are likely to carry on as they are. Yes you would risk rejection if you spoke to her directly but you would get the answer your looking for.

Original poster
Kinunir · 20/01/2018 12:13

great Nope, never

user I've tried making a move so I guess it's the not into me

helly True, I do need to know

OP posts:
NoCureForLove · 20/01/2018 12:16

If you need to know then you need to ask her not a bunch of randoms on the internet. If you can't ask her then it's not really going anywhere is it?

Gwenhwyfar · 20/01/2018 12:16

"Ask her to invite you in for coffee after the next date. You'll soon know your answer."

Not really. Some people want to take things slowly. Not wanting to rush into bed doesn't mean not fancying someone. Why would she have snogged him if she didn't fancy him (at least at the time of the snog)?

loveyoutothemoon · 20/01/2018 12:41

Just ask her!

Original poster
Kinunir · 20/01/2018 14:56

The thing is, I have asked and she said she's looking for a relationship, but that's not what it feels like to me - I'm perceiving myself as a shoulder to cry on and a distraction for the little time we spend together.

I'm after other perspectives in case I've misread the situation.

OP posts:
demirose87 · 20/01/2018 15:01

From what you've said, I think she's using you till someone else comes along who she would prefer a relationship with. Maybe you're just not what she's looking for or she doesn't fancy you that much. Maybe shes scared of losing your presence/ friendship in her life and that's why she's carrying it on. You need to ask her if you're wasting your time with her and ask her to be honest.

Trills · 20/01/2018 15:03

If there is snogging then it's more than simply a friendship, but for clarification beyond that you;d have to ask her.

If she's going through a difficult time right now she may feel that she's not in the right place to escalate your relationship but also doesn't want to lose what you have now.

Or she might be using you and stringing you along.

Both are possible - we don't know her.

VelvetSpoon · 20/01/2018 15:19

The fact there is passionate kissing is a pretty clear indicator that she DOESN'T just see you as a friend. Unless you're saying you kiss all your female friends like that?

She may well want to take things slowly. Have a read of some of the dating threads on here, there are loads of women (I was one of them in the past) who meet someone, have a few dates, sleep with them and then the bloke fucks off into the sunset never to be heard from again. Now I get that just because you have sex doesn't mean you're instantly in a relationship, but there are many men (and some women to be fair) who just want the chase. It's all about sex. Once they've got it they lose interest and onto the next.

So many women feel comfortable taking things at a slower pace. I know one woman who set herself a target of 6 months before she went beyond kissing, because she wanted to be sure they were on the same page and he wasn't about to do a runner.

The fact she talks about everyday stuff Id say shows she trusts you and feels comfortable enough to let you in on a bit of her life, isn't that what naturally happens once you get past the first couple of dates. Or are you expecting her to have a perfect life Stepford Wife style?!

demirose87 · 20/01/2018 15:28

I'm not so sure on the kissing. Some people don't see it as a big deal. If it's just kissing that's happend, it's easy to move on from and still keep distance, rather than going the whole way if you're just stringing someone along. I've dated someone who was a nice guy and I kissed him in the hope I'd develop more feelings for him, but I couldn't bring myself to sleep with him as I didn't really fancy him, I realised early on he wasn't for me and ended it, no harm done.

lanbro · 20/01/2018 15:30

I'm in pretty much the same situation... personally I think I've come to the conclusion he wants the benefits of a boyfriend without the responsibility. I've decided to take a step back and just see what happens, usually we text daily numerous times and he rings to chat about nothing in particular, sometimes several times a day.

I don't know the answer to my own situation so I can't help with yours although I like to watch 'He's Just Not That Into You' every so often....!

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 20/01/2018 15:37

Tell her how you feel. Either it won't have occurred to her that you're really into her or she's enjoying your company as friendship only. If she says she wants a relationship then you really need to be frank and say so do you but for you a relationship includes passion and intimacy and find out her hang up. It's really not normal after this many dates that you've not spent time alone. Have you broached the idea of going away for a weekend if that's feasible? I don't understand why she hasn't asked you in. Something's amiss so you need to find out what it is for your own sanity.

Original poster
Kinunir · 20/01/2018 15:56

demi yep, I'm beginning to think I am second prize in a one horse race

velvet I'm definitely not looking for perfection - I appreciate she is having a hard time and am totally fine with helping out as much as I can in that regard, I just fear that's all she wants me for. As for sex, I've had more than one woman dump me for not pushing for it after 4-5 dates - how on earth does someone wait for 6 months if they are attracted to the person they are dating??

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 20/01/2018 18:09

Do you text between dates? You've had a few nights out and she could invite you in for a coffee if she wanted.

I'd give it a couple more dates and if things don't change...tell her you get the feeling she's just not that into you, so this is the last date avd wish her well at the end of the evening.

Gwenhwyfar · 21/01/2018 00:41

" Either it won't have occurred to her that you're really into her or she's enjoying your company as friendship only."

That can happen when people who were previously good friends start dating, but I don't see how that can happen in a formal 'dating' situation when it's made clear that the evening is a date, as seems to usually be the case with online dating.
I think she's either waiting or not totally sure.

"I'd give it a couple more dates and if things don't change...tell her you get the feeling she's just not that into you, so this is the last date avd wish her well at the end of the evening."

Bit of a pity. Why not just ask her how she sees things going?

Original poster
Kinunir · 22/01/2018 17:47

sandy we text and speak on the phone every day. I will see how things play out for a while longer...

gwen not totally sure is what I'm thinking. Given I am totally sure...

OP posts:
Onecutefox · 22/01/2018 18:03

OP, maybe she is a bit old-fashioned where she doesn't sleep with her boyfriend after a few dates. It doesn't mean it's bad. It's actually a lot better to get to know the person first and then have sex rather than the other way round. My ex was planning to leave me because it took me nearly four months to have sex with him. He thought there was something wrong with me and I didn't want to have sex so soon not be be seen easy. Confused
On the other hand if you don't like listening to her problems then she isn't for you. I doubt she will change.

Original poster
Kinunir · 23/01/2018 17:52

Onecutefox The lack of sex isn't the big issue for me and I have no issue whatsoever listening to her and trying to help where possible. I'm just thinking that taken together they may be signs that I'm seen as a friend rather than anything else, ifywim.

OP posts:
AForest · 23/01/2018 18:18

OP she is waiting for you to ask her. If she is telling you her problems she wants an emotional connection with you.

Original poster
Kinunir · 23/01/2018 18:26

forest I'm probably being really thick here but ask her what?

OP posts:
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