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Original poster

Is this a friendship or a relationship?

60 replies

Kinunir · 20/01/2018 09:52

I'm so confused!

I've been seeing a woman I think is amazing for a couple of months now and we have our tenth date tonight.

In between dates we talk constantly - a few texts every day and a phone call or two pretty much every single day since we first met.

All good so far, right?

Lately, however, the conversations have tended to be more about some bad stuff she has going on in her life (job pressure mainly) and less fun.

Also, she doesn't appear to be physically interested in me at all - a passionate kiss at the end of the date is as far as things have progressed in that area.

So, the question I'm asking, is whether she sees things as a friendship only, despite stating otherwise?

OP posts:
AForest · 23/01/2018 18:48

If she wants a relationship

Original poster
Kinunir · 23/01/2018 18:52

How can you tell that's what she wants versus just a shoulder to cry on? Or rather, how can I tell, because that's the question that's eating away at me.

OP posts:
Upsidedownpineapplecake · 23/01/2018 20:09

What sort of problems are they? Personal issues relating to her( example issues at work, family member unwell) or problems with a previous partner?
It sounds like she is into you but not ready for a relationship. This could be because of the other issues in her life. Are they likely to resolve?

Gwenhwyfar · 23/01/2018 23:18

"How can you tell that's what she wants versus just a shoulder to cry on?"

By asking her?

GottadoitGottadoit · 24/01/2018 00:06

All this 'is she into me?'

Frankly if someone hadn't slept with me after ten dates I would not be into them

At best she has hand ups about sex, is that really what you're looking for?

Gwenhwyfar · 24/01/2018 22:02

"Frankly if someone hadn't slept with me after ten dates I would not be into them

At best she has hand ups about sex, is that really what you're looking for?"

That's a different matter though, isn't it? What we're discussing is whether this woman likes the OP.
Whether he's willing to have a relationship with someone who wants to wait and potentially has hangups, is a different matter.

marge26 · 25/01/2018 00:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GottadoitGottadoit · 25/01/2018 01:14

Marge maybe start your own thread?

Original poster
Kinunir · 25/01/2018 09:24

Gwen I hear you but I suspect there may be a disconnect between what she says and what she means (and not a deliberate one on her part). I trust her totally yet cannot shake this feeling that I am the shoulder to cry on rather than a potential lover.

Gotta I've never seen someone this long without having sex which is why it is part of the question for me - I respect that everyone is different but do wonder if it is a sign of disinterest.

OP posts:
meowimacat · 25/01/2018 10:52

I'm at the same point of dating as you are but I'm with someone who has been a lot more upfront and clear. We've had sex a lot, and even though our communication has been a little rubbish at times (mainly me), I know the guy I'm seeing is into me because he SHOWS it.

I feel for you that this person isn't really giving you the green light on whether things are progressing or not. In early dating there are obviously still a lot of grey areas, and things that you are not sure you can say so early on to someone you are just seeing and not official with. You don't want to sound crazy and as though you are overthinking everything!

I think signs that someone is into you:
They want to see you more. Communication increases. They want to spend time alone with you. Intimacy progresses.
However, I think in this case I would have to be honest about things. I would probably text or ask on the phone if she is interested.

I would listen to your gut because if you're feeling something is off it probably is. She could just be busy and having a stressful time. But right now, things should be fun and exciting, and if you're stressing this much then you need to confront it now. The best way to sort any issue with someone is to talk about it, however scary it may be. Keep it lighthearted, but get to the point.

Original poster
Kinunir · 25/01/2018 11:06

meow Yes, communication is key though you are also right, some things are awkward to say early on.

I see positives - a dozen or more text messages every day, one or more phone calls every day, her initiating contact at least as often as I do, very happy to see me once a week, talking about possible future plans, kissing, etc.

On the other side though - too busy to meet more than once a week, she's stressed (work related - I'm happy to help as far as she'll let me), doesn't come across as being a sexual person at all (but maybe she is just... stressed?), flirty to a small degree but cuts things off quite quickly, etc.

Overall then, I sense mixed messages and the bit I'm trying to figure out for myself is whether this is due to the stress and it will change in the future or whether I have misread something here and I'm just her friend who takes her out once a week and listens to her problems to give her a break from everything that is going on).

Sure, I could just ask, and I have, but even her replies do not seem to give me clarity one way or the other. I think I need to give it a couple more weeks and then make a decision, one way or the other...

OP posts:
scramwich · 25/01/2018 11:26

doesn't come across as being a sexual person at all

That doesn't mean she doesn't want a relationship..maybe she's just not a sexual person. This is all really pointless though as none of us are her.

You need to say "look, I really like you. But I'm not really sure what's happening here. Other than a kiss this feels like just friends. Is that what we are?" See what she says.

She could be a virgin for all you know,.

TournesolsetLavande · 25/01/2018 11:33

She could just be one of those people who wants to take things really slowly. On the other hand I have had friends who will happily date someone they have no real attraction to, just for company and friendship and because they are sweetly attentive, will buy dinner etc. But it is only ever going to go so far because the bottom line is that they don’t feel a spark. It’s almost like ‘you’ll do for now to pay me some attention until someone better comes along.’

I’m one of those women where if there’s no spark on the first date then however nice the guy may be, there is no point in a second date. I don’t see the point in dragging out something that won’t go anywhere. But not everyone is like me.

I think you need to ask her some direct questions and get to the bottom of which type of person she is before you waste any more time.

GottadoitGottadoit · 25/01/2018 11:47

Who pays when you go out on dates?

Original poster
Kinunir · 25/01/2018 11:52

scram she's late-40s and has kids so definitely not a virgin!

Tournes the "happily date someone with no spark" bit is what I'm worried about.

Gotta Me - she can't afford to

OP posts:
GottadoitGottadoit · 25/01/2018 13:04

Right, there we go. You are providing a social life and general support but she doesn’t have the hots for you enough to take it to the next level. She likes you but she doesn’t lust after or love you.

scramwich · 25/01/2018 15:31

Right, there we go. You are providing a social life and general support but she doesn’t have the hots for you enough to take it to the next level. She likes you but she doesn’t lust after or love you.

Yes, that's definitely it and couldn't possibly be anything else. Hmm

GottadoitGottadoit · 25/01/2018 16:56

I’d bet actual real life cash on it, yes.

Original poster
Kinunir · 25/01/2018 17:12

I guess I've been taken for a mug, huh?

OP posts:
scramwich · 25/01/2018 17:19

I’d bet actual real life cash on it, yes.

I must be unusual in not knowing any women that would spend ten dates with a man they didn't actually like and kiss him "passionately" for a free steak.

At least escorts get paid.

scramwich · 25/01/2018 17:20

I guess I've been taken for a mug, huh?

Depends if you're dating gottadoit or not.

GottadoitGottadoit · 25/01/2018 18:00

I didn’t say she doesn’t like you. She probably does. Just not enough, or not in the way you want her to.

scramwich what a weird comment. I am quite the catch. I have ended it with a couple of guys where I was in a similar situation, but can see how someone less honest (or keen to meet someone to properly shag Grin ) might string a guy along.

SpiritedLondon · 25/01/2018 18:42

When I was single I dated a couple of guys that I really, really tried to like because I could see that they were attractive, dependable, solvent etc and treated me nicely. Unfortunately I didn’t fancy them for whatever reason and I just couldn’t fake it. ( I stopped seeing them after 2 or 3 dates.) In this case if this lady has been single for a while or treated badly previously she may be trying really hard to find that spark with you because she can see you’re a good guy. I might be inclined to be a little bit less available to her and a little bit less accommodating regarding listening to her problems and see if a little bit of absence might make a difference. Stop initiating contact and stop suggesting dates and see how she responds. Maybe she is happy with you in the “ friends zone”

Gwenhwyfar · 26/01/2018 00:17

"I must be unusual in not knowing any women that would spend ten dates with a man they didn't actually like and kiss him "passionately" for a free steak. "

Exactly. She's kissing and flirting - seems it isn't just one snog, but happens often. Why would that mean 'just friends'?

ThereWasABaboon · 26/01/2018 13:14

how on earth does someone wait for 6 months if they are attracted to the person they are dating??

She may be demisexual - which is where true sexual attraction (ie. gets to the point of wanting to have sex) requires emotional attraction. this usually means getting to know someone really quite well - a 3rd or 4th date just won't cut it. You are talking months usually but when the sexual attraction kicks in, it is perfectly normal sex drive.

Kissing may happen because she may be attracted enough to kiss and to want to help it along if she likes you but not yet at the stage of wanting to do the deed.

I have a close friend who is demisexual and has been very open about how difficult it is to develop relationships because men expect sex to happen fast 3rd or 4th date fast and if you start explaining about being demisexual (beyond I have to get to know someone to be attracted) they google it - see the association with asexuality and then think she will never want sex.