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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

so he told me

63 replies

Gossipqueen14 · 19/01/2018 22:42

Finally after weeks of feeling like I can do no right DH Told me he is not happy, isn't sure if he loves me and doesn't know if he wants to be together...I am absolutely heartbroken and confused. I offered to leave with DC to go to my mums he said no why are we rushing things. Lots of tears from me not him and he said that while I was crying he felt nothing. He wasn't saying this in a nasty way just expressing that ATM he has no feelings about anything.

What do I do? Do I leave or wait? 😢

OP posts:
Alwaysstressed999 · 19/01/2018 23:03

You poor thing! Sounds like he's giving you
mixed messages? He doesn't love you but doesn't want you to go! Do you want to go? X

TwigTheWonderKid · 19/01/2018 23:21

Could he be depressed OP?

bastardkitty · 19/01/2018 23:24

That's very clear affair behaviour OP. Including not wanting to separate because he's not sure enough of the new relationship. Has he given you cause for suspicion recently?

Offred · 19/01/2018 23:24

I think I would TBH, just for a short while and for some love and care.

I don’t see how it will be possible to process this level of coldness in the face of your (understandable) tears whilst you are in a home with him.

BettyBaggins · 19/01/2018 23:29

You need some real life support, go see your Mum. So sorry Flowers

Original poster
Gossipqueen14 · 19/01/2018 23:35

I've been thinking depression he says he has no feeling towards anything ...affair no phone clear all he does is go to work and home and gym nothing out of ordinary.

He has always had an emotionless side though. Rang my mum she was lovely

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 19/01/2018 23:39

Glad your Mum was lovely. I think it's a good idea to go to your mum's for some TLC.

BackInTheRoom · 20/01/2018 00:10

Everybody thinks depression or MLC but rarely thinks an affair, it usually appears.... So sorry OP💐

Hellothereitsme · 20/01/2018 00:15

My exh had affair at lunchtimes and half day annual leaves. I thought he was the last person to have an affair as very moralistic......yeah yeah.

peachweach · 20/01/2018 00:51

The pretty much exact same thing happened to me and my DP a few years back after 7 years together, weeks of feeling like I was doing everything wrong and on egg shells with him and then he came out with the same - that he wasn't sure he loved me anymore and wasn't sure what he wanted etc. He had no feelings towards anything either and although he wasn't horrible towards me it was clear that he was feeling quite emotionless.

We had no choice but to stay in the flat together as neither of us could stay at parents houses, and eventually I managed to get through to him and got him to open up and talk. It turns out he had bottled up a load of emotion and bad memories from growing up and his grandparents passing away when he was younger and it had come to a head then, we think probably triggered by my grandparents passing away a few months before. It just all came out. He went to the doctors who said it was mild depression, and CBT helped him lots. You could see the change in him just by letting it all out to me.

It was a bit of a shock tbh as we've always talked about everything and it hadn't even entered my head that he could be holding so much in, I think it shocked him too tbh. But anyway it helped once I got through to him and we worked through it and are still together now 3 years on with a new DD.

Could there be anything your DH could be bottling up? Anything that has happened in the last few months that could have triggered this?

Original poster
Gossipqueen14 · 20/01/2018 08:21

I have barely slept...as stupid as it sounds we had a normal enough night last night afterward the chat.

We have friends coming over tonight. The only thing stopping me leaving today well two things 1)I don't want to 2) I have a huge family who know everything within an hour of me going to my mums and I think that will make it so much worse...also why should me and my Dc leave our home

He's just left for work and I have crumbled how do I get through today

OP posts:
nervousandexcited2018 · 20/01/2018 09:55

Hi,

The same happened to me in September last year, I could of written your post!

I have 2 DC's. We spoke a lot at the beggining about what was wrong and I realised although I still loved him I also wasnt happy.

Neither of us moved out.

We went to a couple of counselling sessions but we didnt really gel with the counsellor so stopped. We have talked and talked, made changes (both of us) - made time for each other, put away the electronics, been more affectionate etc etc.

Things were getting better, we also had bad days!

We then went on holiday over Xmas with the DC's and on boxing day he told me he did Love me, that his feelings had been warped by the drudgery of every day life and that the changes we had both made had gave him a reality check (along with some otha stuff) and that he 100% wanted to make this work

We are now committed to staying to together and ensuring we dont fall back into the rut.

The last 4 months were hard, really hard. I cried a lot but not in front of him, I didnt beg for him to stay, I just explained my feelings / what I thought we should do rationally and logically.

I just wanted to let you know that it doesnt have to mean the end, you just need to talk, be honest and do what works for you both

Thanks
Xxxx

BackInTheRoom · 20/01/2018 10:36

Nervous, it's nice to hear your story. 😊

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 20/01/2018 11:16

When he is at work look for local rentals. For him. You are right, why should you and dc move out when he wants to end it. That might focus his attention that, as much as you are hurting, you will not allow your dc to be disrupted more than necessary. Flowers

HappyintheHills · 20/01/2018 11:36

Yes - if he needs to decide what he wants; let him see the future. Live as if you’re separated; no shared washing, catering. Start looking for another home for him.

MsHomeSlice · 20/01/2018 11:43

totally what Happyinthe hills and Ruddygreattiger are saying!

If he is not happy at home with you and the children then OUT HE GOES...let him see what he is missing, let him learn about life on his own, let him see his future as a single man and see how he likes them apples!

To be kind it could well be a dose of the miseries as nervous posted, but I'd be extremely surprised if it was and is not a whole preface to the I love you but am not IN love situation and this distance he creates is allowing him to disconnect from you and phase in A.N.Other

nervousandexcited2018 · 20/01/2018 11:43

Bibbedee - no problem, thought it wud b nice to hear something positive

Feel free to PM me if u wanna chat

Thanks
Xxxx

Original poster
Gossipqueen14 · 20/01/2018 21:13

Thank you all
So much for replying. Today has been pretty shit emotionally he was working so I spent time with my sister. Then he got home from work and is acting like nothing has happened.

I don't have the energy to have this discussion tonight I'm
So tired. Again massive thanks

OP posts:
Joysmum · 20/01/2018 21:30

You need to ask him if he wants to try to regain his feelings and work through this? If so that means couples counselling, talking through the nitty gritty and being willing to put effort in the identify and make changes. That means him, not just him trying to change you.

If he just wants to carry on pretending then that’s not good enough you as it’s not fair.

Original poster
Gossipqueen14 · 23/01/2018 15:51

It's been a strange few days we are 'muddling' along...he is texting me as normal stupid memes that would make me laugh...in jokes. Ten yesterday he bought me my favourite biscuits I had said last week I hadn't had in ages...woke up last night and was cuddling me.

But he is snappy and irritable today and I'm
Tearful (not in front of him) in scared to bring up the conversation again as I still think it'll be the same answers from him

OP posts:
Offred · 23/01/2018 15:59

Tell him to stop being so bloody infuriatingly crass.

He must realise that he can’t carry on pretending everything is normal after saying what he has said.

Thinkingofausername1 · 23/01/2018 16:14

It sounds like guilty behaviour, even if he is depressed, and you are tired. You need to talk with him. I hope it's not an affair, op but the odd behaviour sounds like it could be. Thanks

helenoftroyville · 23/01/2018 16:52

I think you should ask him to leave, and downs some time apart. He is giving to mixed messages and you are clearly very unhappy. You need some time away and he needs to realise what he is giving up by walking away from your marriage.

Original poster
Gossipqueen14 · 23/01/2018 16:56

I'm starting to think affair too I'm so confused and heartbroken

I'm so weak too I don't want him to leave which makes me angry at myself because I used to think I was a strong woman. Looking t our DC is breaking my heart

OP posts:
ChristmasAccountant · 23/01/2018 16:56

Just wanted to say it isn't "clear affair behaviour".

I said practically the same things to my DH a few months ago. Just felt nothing towards him and our marriage.

A friend asked me if I was depressed. Sure enough I was diagnosed with PND.

Fast forward to now and we're doing much better, not perfect but better.

It doesn't always have to be about someone else.

I hope you get something sorted OP, whatever it may be.