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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

They joked about my abusive ex

55 replies

PineappleDisco · 14/01/2018 22:54

I was at a party this weekend. Attending were my adult DS' girlfriend's parents. I get on fine with them but do find them a little patronising at times. Thus far I have always let it go as I don't feel it is necessary to rock the boat and want DS to be happy and feel I am supportive.

During conversation the topic of ancestors came up, the mother of DS' girlfriend asked if my ancestors were bakers or bankers (writing it now I realise what dull conversation was going on!!) I said neither. She was a bit confused so I explained that my DS' fathers' ancestors were bankers which is why she must've thought it. She then tapped her nose and said 'Oh we don't talk about him, do we?' (referring to my exH) in a sing song, patronising tone. I just excused myself.
Later on, speaking to her again in a group, she introduced someone to me and added that they are a banker. She then said 'PineappleDisco's not a fan of bankers after her exH but we don't talk about him, do we?'. Again in this bizarre jokey, sing song pantomime tone.

I don't know how much she knows but she certainly knows I went through a messy divorce with ExH ending up not being allowed contact with DC and that is isn't easy for us. She knows DS rarely sees his father. I don't know if she knows that my ExH was abusive and violent but I would be surprised if she didn't at least know it is a possibility he was. DS' girlfriend certainly knows.

I came home and burst into tears. I felt an outcast and joke. I haven't said anything to DS. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:

LesisMiserable · 14/01/2018 22:58

Yes in my opinion and you need to take a big breath and let this one go.

Runningissimple · 14/01/2018 23:03

She's a dick. I suspect she just wasn't thinking about what she was saying and was trying to be funny. She sounds like an idiot. Smile but keep your distance. I can completely understand why you were upset - she was crass - but it doesn't sound to me like you were an outcast or a joke. She's just weird. People don't like messy divorces and ime they try to minimise and brush it all under the carpet. It's hurtful and belittling, especially when you've been to hell and back.

Runningissimple · 14/01/2018 23:04

^^I would just suck it up for your son though. Not worth having a row over. It won't achiev much.

category12 · 14/01/2018 23:07

Was she drunk? She sounds like an idiot. I wouldn't make it an issue. I think you need some strategies in place to deal with her, and just don't give her headroom outside of it.

scrabbler3 · 14/01/2018 23:07

Maybe she was trying to create intimacy with you. Clumsily!

Original poster

PineappleDisco · 14/01/2018 23:08

Thanks runningissimple
I can see why it was probably her just trying to break ice or breach the topic but I do feel the size of a pea.
I certainly won't be talking to DS about it or doing anything, I guess I just wanted reassurance I wasn't being oversensitive.
I do hate being belittled as a single divorced woman at these kind of events. The trauma of my first marriage meant I never felt able to get back out there, never found someone else and retreated into a quiet, cosy life with a few trusted friends. Events like this make me feel like a looser.

OP posts:

MyBrilliantDisguise · 14/01/2018 23:09

I think this one would be worth an email. She might be in your life for a while (hopefully not forever) so I would write to clarify things - honestly, I would make her feel really, really small.

AnyFucker · 14/01/2018 23:12

Actually, I would not let it go

Not in a public space like a party, but just you two. Ask if you can call round, you have something to discuss. Or invite her out for coffee. Then put her straight. Tell her she made you feel uncomfortable with her clumsy comments and you do not expect her to raise it again.

She is a snide piece of work and her card wants marking.

SlowlyShrinking · 14/01/2018 23:13

It just goes to show that being in a relationship is no guarantee if being a nice person! I think I would have maybe said ‘what do you mean by that?’ and I assume she would have been too embarrassed to elaborate. Or maybe she’s just very socially awkward and has no clue about what’s appropriate and what isn’t?

MistressDeeCee · 14/01/2018 23:16

Sorry you're feeling bad OP

Don't let anyone convince you that your feelings don't matter, and you should simply bottle it all up inside to spare the feelings of others who don't think enough of you to spare yours.

You are as important as they are, and being connected to you via your DS does not give them a "disrespect pass". As if for the sake of not upsetting your DCs relationship, you have to put up with their unmannerly bs.

They sound like the type of idiots that get away with unkindness as they're surrounded by people who don't speak up so its normal for them to continue

i wish you'd taken her aside and had a word. Particularly when she went on to make a 2nd comment about you in front of people..

Don't sit there thinking you can't "rock the boat" so you can't have a voice. You can. It doesn't need to be a row. Simply calmly pointing out that its rudeness regarding a personal and sensitive situation and you aren't prepared to be faced with it.

Broken record technique if their rude insensitive brains won't let that sink in, and if they continue then walk away but firstly maintain you aren't prepared to be mocked and disrespected. Leave it at that

You will have to deal with it anyway because you will be disrespected again anyway. Not speaking up for yourself then going home to cry won't do your wellbeing any good. I hope you find a way

Original poster

PineappleDisco · 14/01/2018 23:17

SlowlyShrinking I wish I had! I was so shocked at the time...
I don't think I'll breach it mainly because of DS. They are living together and likely going to get engaged in the next few years I expect. All very serious. Should she say anything again I hope to be less outraged and able to gently question it.

OP posts:

SlowlyShrinking · 14/01/2018 23:21

I say I would have said it, but in reality I would have probably been dumbstruck by her cheek

Fishface77 · 14/01/2018 23:44

See I think it would have been appropriate to take her to one side and say to her or next time you see her say
“exp was actually very abusive and I find it a topic that’s very hard and very inappropriate to make jokes about. So I was taken aback the other day in case you wondered why I didn’t engage.”

Mxyzptlk · 14/01/2018 23:55

That woman sounds socially inept.
You are not a loser, you have created a secure life for yourself.
At least you now have an idea of the sort of thing she might say and you can be ready for it.
If you get a chance to speak to her on her own, tho, it could be worth telling her that you were confused by what she said and the way she said it.

Angelf1sh · 15/01/2018 03:22

I would definitely call her out on her behaviour, it was totally out of order. You shouldn’t feel like you have to ignore it just because of your son. If you feel you can’t this time then please address it at the time it happens next time. Because I’m sure there’ll be a next time.

MrsDilber · 15/01/2018 04:46

She's an idiot, I'd bring it up with DS, personally, I'd have to tell him.

TheLegendOfBeans · 15/01/2018 04:49

She sounds like a fucking tosser.

Watch out, my BFF went a bit like this in the year after my XH and I split, then instantly took against my now DH and that was our friendship dead, all because she - for reasons I will never understand - couldn’t get with the programme I’d moved on with my life.

Ditch this bitch. You’re not overreacting.

AstridWhite · 15/01/2018 05:23

Maybe she was trying to create intimacy with you. Clumsily!

I agree with this. She's trying to let you know that your DS (or his GF) has opened up to her about his family life and she's trying to show that she's listened and is interested. She wants to bond with you and feel involved in your story. It's clumsy and inappropriate though. It's the sort of thing my mother would do and I am cringing now at the thought of it.

But it doesn't necessarily mean she knows about any abuse or DV though, just that you have had an acrimonious break up and are not friends.

I wouldn't do what AF said, it seems a bit heavy handed and confrontational, but I would mentally mark her card and be on my guard to 'manage' her a bit better next time, by anticipating stupid comments and having some polite but assertive retorts designed to steer her away from your personal business.

KickAssAngel · 15/01/2018 05:31

when she asked if they were bakers or bankers she was being incredibly snobby. She was using a weak pun to ask if they were lower class (bakers) or middle class (bankers). Then saying "we don't talk about him" could mean that he was a crooked banker and/or that you're from a 'broken family' so best to keep quiet and pretend that you aren't spoiled goods.

She sounds like a complete snob and not worth bothering about.

The fact that she sounds so very invested in knowing the jobs of other people implies she is trying to work out if they're "quite quite" or not, and how much they earn. If only you could get away with staring her straight in the eye and saying "landowners, actually" if she ever tries to do this again.

Isetan · 15/01/2018 09:30

Hell the fuck no, she was bang out of order and if rocking the boat means putting up with her shit then your DS needs to get a life jacket. She’s at best thoughtless and at worst, a mean spirited cow and neither gives her a free pass.

Your DS needs to see you stand up for yourself, you needs to see yourself stand up for yourself. Your son is now an adult and the mindset that you adopted when he was a child has its limitations now.

Lakitu101 · 15/01/2018 09:42

What the hell man? I just don’t get people like that, what on earth was she trying to achieve? There is no way I would let that slide, I understand that DS needs you to feel supportive, but you also need support from him in this case, and no one has the right to make you feel the way she did.

Isetan · 15/01/2018 09:42

I agree with AF, if your DS won’t have a word, you must. Start as you mean to go on, if you accept this shit now, you’ll be accepting it in the future. Better to say something now, so everyone including your son knows where your boundaries are.

Calling her clumsy and socially inept is far too kind and if she is genuinely either of those things, you would be doing her a service by pointing it out.

Op you can not protect your son by giving someone permission to disrespect you by letting nudge, nudge, wink, wink comments about your traumatic past, go unchallenged.

Urgh, what an unpleasant woman.

AFistfulOfDolores · 15/01/2018 09:44

No, you are not overreacting, OP.

I also disagree with those posters who suggest it's an awkward inroad to create intimacy.

Actually, I think her response was meddling, and a thinly veiled criticism that you haven't told her "all the gory details" about him. Entirely passive aggressive.

pullingmyhairout1 · 15/01/2018 09:49

You are not a loser. You are a survivor. I'll go against the grain here. I think the next time she has a dig you should ask her why she would want to discuss an abusive man. I was you. You are stronger than you think!

ravenmum · 15/01/2018 09:56

Probably a bit late to do anything about this particular incident now, but it sounds like you are struggling with a long history of her being patronising. I think you need to find a more satisfying response than smiling and ignoring, and be ready to use it next time it comes up.

If your son witnessed this example, perhaps you could mention how inappropriate you found it, just without making it into a big drama. Something like "Marjorie can be really unsubtle sometimes, can't she? I didn't know what to say when she made the comment about your dad!" Just to acknowledge the fact that you found it unpleasant. You don't have to make her out to be a witch, or say that you can't stand her.

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