They joked about my abusive ex

[PineappleDisco]

I was at a party this weekend. Attending were my adult DS' girlfriend's parents. I get on fine with them but do find them a little patronising at times. Thus far I have always let it go as I don't feel it is necessary to rock the boat and want DS to be happy and feel I am supportive.

During conversation the topic of ancestors came up, the mother of DS' girlfriend asked if my ancestors were bakers or bankers (writing it now I realise what dull conversation was going on!!) I said neither. She was a bit confused so I explained that my DS' fathers' ancestors were bankers which is why she must've thought it. She then tapped her nose and said 'Oh we don't talk about him, do we?' (referring to my exH) in a sing song, patronising tone. I just excused myself.
Later on, speaking to her again in a group, she introduced someone to me and added that they are a banker. She then said 'PineappleDisco's not a fan of bankers after her exH but we don't talk about him, do we?'. Again in this bizarre jokey, sing song pantomime tone.

I don't know how much she knows but she certainly knows I went through a messy divorce with ExH ending up not being allowed contact with DC and that is isn't easy for us. She knows DS rarely sees his father. I don't know if she knows that my ExH was abusive and violent but I would be surprised if she didn't at least know it is a possibility he was. DS' girlfriend certainly knows.

I came home and burst into tears. I felt an outcast and joke. I haven't said anything to DS. Am I overreacting?

Just to add, if you do ever speak to this woman you can also point out that the fact that your DS isn’t badly affected is down to the fact you’ve successfully shielded him from the worst which you are thankful for. It explains a lot.

But your reaction shows she's right. You are over sensitive where he is concerned - understandably. She was just an idiot saying it. She probably doesn't mean anything by it. Let it go over your head.

You'll just reinforce her comment, making a big deal of it or rebuking her strongly next time. A tinkly laugh and "fortunately he's in the past" response should show to her and others that it is no big deal to you.

Don't rock the boat for your son or push him further into their arms. If he didn't understand it and had told them an incorrect version then that's not their fault they misunderstand. You could enlighten them by going a bit further with the tinkly laugh "Yes he was an abusive dick" if you want, but don't make a big deal of it for the sake of your relationship with your son - especially as it is a bit rocky at the moment.

alotalotalot I understand where you’re coming from and do tend to follow the pretend I don’t care/no big deal/no reaction policy.
But is it being over sensitive if it is understandable? Isn’t oversensitve being excessively upset over a relatively small situation or issue. Surely it is being appropriately sensitive. Which to be honest is rare for me. Usually I am so desensitised regarding these situations. This one was one which made me feel proportionately rubbish. Over sensitive would be shouting at her there and then or reacting inappropriately. I ignored it, came home and reflected and felt upset.. questioned whether I was being silly so posted on here but otherwise haven’t done anything irrational or OTT about it.
The ultimate fact is people shouldn’t go round making such comments, not people shouldn’t appear to care when being spoken to rudely.
But in all honesty, despite this I do IRL spend my time in these fortunately usually rare occasions it becomes a deal to someone else not rocking the boat, pretending a violent partner is no big deal to me and it is all just fine.

I agree with you, you are rightly sensitive because of what you’ve been through and she doesn’t understand that.

This leaves you with 3 ways forward:

Snap at her, she’ll still not understand and you’ll come off worse.

Pass it off without incident hoping she’ll stop in future.

Educate her if you think she’ll understand.

I did say understandably. Of course it's a big deal to you but given it was such a long time ago and these people never knew him, it's probably not that ideal to get upset in front of others. Better to ignore them or tell them the truth matter of factly, without getting too upset about it. If you do then you can't blame them for thinking it's still a big deal. Insensitive to say what she did but factually correct, as it is still a big deal to you.

I came home and burst into tears. I felt an outcast and joke. I haven't said anything to DS. Am I overreacting?
Yes I think you are a bit. You should be annoyed at the crassness and insensitivity of her but you haven't got any reason to feel an outcast and a joke. There are good reasons why her comment upset you but YABU to internalise it and take it personally. She is the idiot, not you. so, yes by taking it personally, you are overreacting a bit.