They joked about my abusive ex

[PineappleDisco]

I was at a party this weekend. Attending were my adult DS' girlfriend's parents. I get on fine with them but do find them a little patronising at times. Thus far I have always let it go as I don't feel it is necessary to rock the boat and want DS to be happy and feel I am supportive.

During conversation the topic of ancestors came up, the mother of DS' girlfriend asked if my ancestors were bakers or bankers (writing it now I realise what dull conversation was going on!!) I said neither. She was a bit confused so I explained that my DS' fathers' ancestors were bankers which is why she must've thought it. She then tapped her nose and said 'Oh we don't talk about him, do we?' (referring to my exH) in a sing song, patronising tone. I just excused myself.
Later on, speaking to her again in a group, she introduced someone to me and added that they are a banker. She then said 'PineappleDisco's not a fan of bankers after her exH but we don't talk about him, do we?'. Again in this bizarre jokey, sing song pantomime tone.

I don't know how much she knows but she certainly knows I went through a messy divorce with ExH ending up not being allowed contact with DC and that is isn't easy for us. She knows DS rarely sees his father. I don't know if she knows that my ExH was abusive and violent but I would be surprised if she didn't at least know it is a possibility he was. DS' girlfriend certainly knows.

I came home and burst into tears. I felt an outcast and joke. I haven't said anything to DS. Am I overreacting?

I think "no we don't" in the right squashing tone of voice plus head tilt/bemused expression when she says "we don't talk about him haha", would work. Practise some flattening replies so you can shut her down next time.

She is a fanny. Ignore. Are you attractive? Sometimes women get threatened around single / divorced women.

I’d go with a simple ‘it’s more a case of why would you want to talk about him’, then smile sweetly at her.

"I don't bring up his name much as it's quite painful for me and the children. But I can't dictate what other people do."

When calmed down I might mention it to your son (and maybe his girlfriend), just in an "odd conversation with GFs Mum" kind of way.
It could be that GF knows her mother is a dick - so maybe just said "we don't talk about DS's Dad".

I doubt she knows any details, just that he's an ex. Nobody who has been through a separation would joke about it, but people who haven't often do ime. Last week a colleague referred to my ex as 'he who must not be named' but I think it's thoughtless rather than malicious.

I would let it go but be ready with a come-back should it happen again.

Could it be that she is trying to acknowledge the issue but is embarrassed, so coming out with these clumsy comments. My own mum is very like this, she thinks she is being supportive . If It hurts you I woul next time I see her raise the issue and tell her it was a terrible time and you would rather put it behind you. That way you are not having a go, but directing her how you would like it dealt with in future.

I think you need to say something whether face to face or in an email. I think you need to tell her in a non confrontational way what you've told us here - that it was a horrible violent and abusive relationship that you've never fully recovered from and it's best kept hidden away in that "box" rather than speculated over and commented on by strangers she may well have been trying to be nice (in a really weird way) but if she was it didn't seem that way to you and that's the important bit. Please don't let it fester and eat away at you.

Personally I would avoid any sort of confrontation or language that might make her feel bad. What's to be gained from it?

It's highly unlikely that she set out to piss you off or upset you.

She will probably think you have completely misunderstood or overreacted, not really understand what she did wrong, feel a bit resentful that you've told her off and/or feel mortified and embarrassed. All future meetings will be awkward and tainted by that elephant in the room.

What is your goal? To make sure she doesn't do it again? Fine. If there is a next time, just say 'it was an awful time and I would rather not talk about him'.

Assholes!
Next time they bring up your ex whom 'we don't talk about' be sure to say 'so why are we then?!'
She sounds either dense or snide. I can't decide which.

I'd let it go for now until they start making comments again--and, be sure, to confront them at the time.

ravenmum that’s brilliant 👍

Thanks all. Just reading through these has helped. Half my worries were whether I was being oversensitive about it.
I think I have decided to leave it this time but I certainly will address it politely but strongly at the time next time.
I resisted posting this before as didn't want it to seem a long rant mixed in with other issues - I just wanted opinions on this event but it is not the only one.

Sadly DS somewhat hero worships his girlfriend's family (probably because it is the first time experiencing that family unit with a father since he was young). DS himself has made some derogatory comments about my reaction to his father and the whole separation. We chatted it through and it became evident DS had blocked things out and didn't understand it. I think he does now but perhaps finds it hard to share it with his girlfriend or somewhere it is all lost in translation between her and her mother.

My relationship with DS though sadly isn't is strong as it used to be as he feels girlfriend's family are the marvellous (I am sure they are in many ways) and visiting his lone mother is rather dull!
Luckily I have a lovely, supportive other DS and DD and I have had the strength of mind to 'let it ride' with the DS referred to here.

But for the above reasons, I don't think it is worth speaking to DS or the woman in question right now.

Both of my sons have been attracted into their wives families, very much so and I feel left out. I think it is about that family feeling after having their dad leave.

I'm divorced, the circumstances were unusual and obviously the DIL's have told their parents about it all, at least what they think they know [my sons can be very tight lipped and loyal]...although only I and my ex know the details which are very personal.

I was very close to my sons, we were a close unit. But not now, sadly. With both DIL's families [one is dysfunctional] I have had the atmospheres, been looked up and down and I know I've been discussed behind my back, but not to my face...yet no one knows the truth, they must just speculate as they do not know the story.

So I am relating to how you feel. Sometimes a single woman is a target for all sorts of reasons. People who didn't divorce can be smug and have no idea of the pain which occurs, it is naïve at best, cruel at worst.

I am glad you have another DS and DD for support, and I hope they help you face this upset, and that you will find the words when you are next accosted by this woman. Your life is none of her business and it's staggering to think she can talk about it in front of other people. She is a snob, patronising and smug. I'd avoid her as much as you can.

She sounds like an upstart to me. Hate when people think they own the world just because they are well off. These kind are not worth it to waste your energy over. It’s better to be a humble baker than to be a snobbish banker ,without money he he’s no respect.

She sounds a nasty piece of work.

beachcomber234 Thanks - the feeling is certainly mutual. I can relate to all of that. Throughout it all I try my best not to be angry and to constantly offer support. At the end of the day, being their for our kids if they want us is all we can do.

She is an absolute bitch. I feel quite angry on your behalf, OP. Women like this get a kick out of jellyfish comments to others.

Nah,not over sensitive. She's a snobby,snarky dickbutt.

It's all "i know and i want you to know i know" and doing it in public to either embarrass you and make you feel like shit,or force you to explain yourself.

You have very few options if your relationship with DS is strained and he hero worships this twat and her husband.

Next time she says it you could simply reply with " No, I don't talk about him,you're free to say what you want" and copy her fake laugh.

She sounds poisonous. Don’t let her get away with too much.

What happened to your marriage is your business; it’s a delicate and personal matter for anyone, and not suitable for jokey chit chat from others, regardless of the circumstances.

Also, it is not your job to make everything nice for everyone else, while suffering yourself.

Reasonable politeness and overlooking an inadvertent gaffe is one thing: but if you find someone repeatedly rides roughshod over you, you must take steps to assert yourself. No matter whose mother she is, or who might be upset.

Thanks all again. Really can't express how much better and stronger this thread has made me feel.
I've had a vaguely similar moment in the past where I asserted myself and ended up overhearing a conversation about how I was 'just angry and unstable' as if I was slightly off my rocker.
I know they were wrong and just trying to make themselves feel better...probably knowing deep down they were in the wrong... but it knocked me big time.

I would not find myself in the Company of this Cow ever again regardless of your DS's feelings or those of his girlfriend..

you are not anybody's party trick entertainment Lady

Not sure why she should be wanting to patronise you! She sound socially inept...what a thing to say. I find that people who have led very dull unchaotic, no divorces, no scandals are jolly pleased with themselves and often wonder why everyone can't conduct themselves 'properly'.
Do not allow it to bother your brain because she has just shown herself up, but i would have some pithy comment for next time. 'Oh Julia, you made the same comment about exH twice last time we met, but i thought you must just have had a little too much wine. I didn't want to embarrass you by responding and drawing everyone's attention to your gaffe, I do hope we aren't going to have the same thing tonight darling' Warning- i don't take any prisoners!!.

”exp was actually very abusive and I find it a topic that’s very hard and very inappropriate to make jokes about. So I was taken aback the other day in case you wondered why I didn’t engage.”

This.

She sounds like a snob and a nightmare. My SIL is like this. They were bankers, we were bakers. My brother loves her family more than his and he’s a stuck up snob now too.

It’s a shame. Your DS should be proud of you, getting away from a violent man, not look down on you or not understand your pain at her tactless behaviour.

Sorry

She sounds dreadful and if it had been my mum saying that then I'd be embarrassedand I'm sure most people overheating it would have cringed.