Abusive partner....please help

[linziluv123]

Hi, I really need some advice. My partner is abusing me and has done for 10 years. I’m finally at the point where I can’t go on anymore.
He’s simply horrible to me everyday, says unkind things to me in front of the kids all the time. He blames me for everything that goes wrong. A recent example is Friday, he wanted to put a bid on something on eBay, I asked him his maximum bid. I entered his maximum bid seconds before the end. He didn’t win it so went absolutely mental at me calling me all sorts of nasty things. Basically he didn’t understand how ebay works. Kept telling me the item was worth X amount. He told my 6 year old I’m a druggy too during his rant. (I smoke maybe half a spliff in the garden of an evening, don’t touch anything else, alcohol included. I have give up completely now though so he can’t use it against against me). He said he was leaving but never did. Just sat there with bags packed and coat on sniping at me all night.
I could give you examples of this of about 3-4 times a week from him.
He threatens to leave me and live with his mum, but says he’s taking my 6yo daughter, splitting her up from her 9yo autistic brother (both his children). He’s done it before so I know it’s not just talk.
I’ve had police and SS involvement over the years but it’s only ever me expected to jump through hoops, never him. He’s been allowed to act in this way all his life just cuz he’s bigger and louder than most people.
My mental health has been shocking for 10 years with multiple admissions and medication regimes. My dad hated him but sadly died in August. Around the time he died I just got shouted at and made to feel like shit then too. He even brings it up now saying my dad would be ashamed of me. It hurts so much.
I work full time, he hasn’t worked in 15 years. He’s “disabled” you see. When I finish work I literally have to do everything in the house. He sits at home either sleeping or gaming all day whilst I’m at work. At weekends he has to lie in until 11 and I have to constantly try and keep the kids quiet else he gets up shouting at us all.
I wanted to visit a friend who really needed me yesterday but he wouldn’t allow it. He went to his mates interest.
He’s been violent before but hasn’t been for a while. I admit that I did something bad last year, think financial infidelity. No excuses but my mental health was exceptionally poor and I made some shocking decisions. On the front of it he forgave me but realistically he absolutely loves having yet another stick to beat me with.
I make it easy for him to be awful to me really by doing stupid things but I honestly feel he sets me up for failure. I’m desperate to go to uni and complete my Nurse training but he won’t allow it as we would lose £5000 a year. I’ve suggested he got a job but he won’t.
People think he’s a great hands on Dad but they don’t hear the way he shouts at them. Tells them to shut up then shouts at them for repeating it! He makes it clear he prefers our daughter and I know this is because my son will only ever try and stick up for me. He blames me for my son being autistic, says it’s because of my mental health. I honestly don’t think I’d have mental health problems if it wasn’t for him!
He knows I’m terrible with the finances, yet won’t take over them, he’d rather let me fuck them up so he can shout at me more.
I dread finishing work everyday. I never know if he’s going to have a go at me. He demands to drive a fast boy racer type car despite having no job, but I’m responsible for paying for it, so it’s my fault when things start to go wrong with the car.
He threatens to tell his mum what I did last year and that keeps me “in check” I really would be mortified if she found out as I’m so ashamed. He doesn’t even show remorse or apologise anymore. There are literally no redeeming features anymore. It’s my fault by default every time.
So why don’t I leave? I’m terrified. He will try and ruin my life. The flat is in my name only so could kick him out but he will take everything his mum has bought, which is more or less everything. He’d leave me without a sofa or bed, even said he’d rip up the carpets. He’d make going to Work a nightmare. I rely on him to take the kids to school and pick them up. I had 6 months off sick last year so don’t want to take the piss at work.
I’m scared as I’ve no real evidence of the abuse. It’s all emotional although there will be past reports about it as SS banned him from seeing our children for 3 months back in 2012. He convinced me and SS that he’d changed, I really believed he had. I think I’m ashamed to ask for help this time as I chose to go back to him. I’m just so afraid of the alternative.
I’m sorry this is so long, I really could go on forever about how he treats me but you get the gist.
Please can anybody advise on what to do. I’m scared he will get full custody as he is technically their main carer as I work. I can’t have my children brought up by him and my son would hate to be away from me. I feel so trapped.

Also read it all in one go, you are bloody amazing

Feeling very strong today!
Just done a list of the reasons why I'm doing this. On page 4 so far

OP you've had some amazing support and advice on here. Best I can give ( and I've been there) is think one day at a time. Otherwise it all feels too big and you may well feel you aren't strong enough. You are though. This is short term stress for amazing long term gain. I was working part time, had children, no family and I found my strength to walk away from an abusive marriage. I was deceived with promises he'd change. He never did. I doubted my sanity. I truly loved him despite it all. In the end I seemed to walk away with " nothing". But in reality I walked away with dignity, hope and a future for my children. Everything else can be sorted but you can't put a price on that.

List is a great idea and 4 pages so far says it all really doesn't it! Sorry I wasn't around yesterday when you were a bit low, great to hear you picking yourself up (yet again 💪) this morning. Just keep doing what you're doing, I wish you could see yourself from our perspective, you're pretty impressive

Got myself all anxious again 😩 really dreading appointment with social services in the morning 😥 I'm so so scared of what she's going to do.
Head teacher has rang me today to let me know that social worker had contacted him....he brought up assessments and child protection plans and it's just got me all in a tizz 😩 trying to hold it together in Work ! 😩

Are you able to take a 10 minute break and talk to someone at work so you're not bottling it all up inside?

I'm sure SS will be fine, maybe make a list of everything you would like to ask them so you don't forget as I'm sure your head is (and quite understandably) whizzing atm.

Linzi - don't forget that these agencies and people are trying to help you. They are not there to judge, they will not hurt you.

They may be working a bit too fast for you to keep up, but sometimes it's a good thing to just 'go with the flow'.

Everything is being done to help and support you. Let them.

Yes you're right. I know you're right I just let the wave of anxiety take over far too much 😫.
IDVA finally got in touch today, she seems nice also. It's all very irrational as I've not spoke to anybody who is concerned about my ability to keep the kids safe. They're obviously concerned about me ending things but so far everything seems focussed on getting me out as safely as possible.
My 6 year old told me that she was upset as her dad had said "I wish your Nanna was dead" to her! That's about my mum 😫 no idea where that came from. He's also said today he would put a brick through the cars of my family, that was said after I said I was going to my sisters for a bit tonight. That's suspicious apparently

Hi LINZI...well you have got through the appointment and it doesn't seems as though it was bad at all, in fact sounds like they are being very helpful and protective of you and Dcs......Like others have said remember these people are there to HELP you and your Dcs that is their job..to keep you safe and help you get away from him.

My blood is boiling after reading the comment to your Dc, it must be so distressing to hear a parent say that about their Nanna, l want to throw bricks at his head.......repeatedly...he is such a monster, truly evil to abuse his own children so horribly.

If ever you wanted evidence you are doing the right thing there it is...Hand holds from here op....

Linzi, make sure you keep a record of these type of things he says. I found it very useful to talk through it with the police officer who kept an eye on us when I left an abusive relationship. Also of course evidence if you ever need it. I found it helpful to read through when my heart got a bit soft afterwards too! Help keeps perspective.

Hi @Dragongirl10 I'm livid about the comment myself.....I simply tried not to make a huge deal out of it as the kids are a bit confused by it all as it is. I've wrote it down though.....just added it to my 4 page list .
Appointment with social worker is in the morning at 9:30.....it's that appointment making me anxious even though she sounds absolutely lovely!
He is being beyond nice and reasonable at the moment so at least things are calm-ish.....it helps if my head is clear obviously. I do still feel a bit sorry for him but I just refer back to my list when I feel like that!
Like a PP said, it's all going a bit quick for my liking....though I realise I probably do need somebody to force me into making the plunge before another 10 years passes me by 😫.

Yes LINZI, life is too short, especially for your Dcs as he is causing them so much distress, you have to get them away from his toxic behavior.

The social worker will be nice and helpful l am sure it will feel better to have someone on your side to shoulder the burden in RL. Tell her of your fears l am sure she will be able to reassure you.

It may seem too quick but it is never going to feel like the 'Right' time to get him out and the longer it goes on the more strain you are under.
So please just be kind to yourself, remind yourself you are doing the ONLY thing you can,(read the very long list!!) lean on those who can help you like the social worker and other professionals, and revert back to your cheerleaders here for moral support.

You can provide such amazing inspiration for other women in this position too.

Remember your Dcs cannot do another 10 years like this or they will be destroyed by his cruelty.

Can you do something nice for yourself this evening?

I'm absolutely climbing the walls I'm that anxious! I'm SURE it's nothing to worry about but can't help it all the same!
I will obviously come and update when I'm done

You're going to be fine, Linzi. Try to remember that this is to help you, and that everyone wants you and your children to have a better life.

Tell them how anxious you are as soon as you arrive, and that you know it's because of all the conditioning you've had at his hands. They'll understand.

Work with them. Be cooperative and keen. It will help, it will. And you can do this.

I'd change the locks while he's at his bloody martial arts
You're incredible! Keep going! I Will PM you too

Decide on your battles. The house is yours. That's an enviable position to be in for a abuse situation (if there is such a thing as enviable position in these circumstances ). Sod the carpets and sofa etc. Let him PROVE his MOTHER supplied them and they were not a gift to you. SHE will have to want them back in the first place. He can't just take HER stuff, let them take you to court. And then give them back if you have to. There are charities that will help you refurnish - Woman's Aid can help with this. Again the courts will take dim view of a father depriving his children out of spite.

All the above. You have a home in your name (doesn't matter whether you own or rent - it is YOURS. You are financially independent. If you changed the locks etc, he wouldn't be able to take stuff out and he'd have no redress other than to go to court, and as the PP said - no court will take all of the furniture off you and leave you and your children sleeping and sitting on the bare boards. He is just a parasite.

If he writes/e-mails/texts anything abusive - keep it as evidence. If you can, perhaps you could record some of his threats and abusive behaviour.

The next time he leaves the house for his martial arts session, pack up his stuff and leave i outside the door for him to come back to. Change the locks if you are able, or put on a bolt so that he can't just come and go (you could bolt one door, and change locks on the other, perhaps.)

My heart aches for you - it is a horrible, depressing and terrifying position you find yourself in. It is also very unhealthy for your children.

And shop him to the DSS - even if he wins his case (which sounds unlikely), it will let the bugger know that you are going to fight every inch of the way. Unfortunately, people like him have nothing in their lives except the desire to torment and hold power over others, so it won't be easy for you, but you CAN do it, and there is a lot of good advice on here - legal, emotional and practical.

This meeting is just another step towards freedom Linzi, I know how stressful all this must be but it's a means to an end. Today is what my DM would call 'a day to be got through', not nice but necessary to get where you want to be. And the alternative doesn't bear thinking about, staying with him would mean death by a thousand cuts, for you and DC. Good luck this morning, we're all behind you, you can do this

Thinking of you LINZI......

I've followed your thread and just wanted to say your doing amazing

So glad you can see through this nice act. He knows somethings up and his control is slipping, so now its time for Mr Nice Guy act to make you feel guilty and not go through with your plans. Don't let him manipulate you.

I would definitely report him about him illegally subletting his apartment and to DLA about his martial arts activity while claiming disability. Theyll do an investigation for this.

Its time this pure cunt got what's coming to him.

Well I met with social worker and dv specialist and both were incredibly lovely. Obviously she has to do assessments involving talking to my kids but they seem to know exactly how to handle it.
They've urged me not to finish him whilst I'm alone at home. Ideally they want me to go to a refuge or at the very least flee the area but I really really want to stay at home. I don't cope very well being out of my own surroundings.
He's totally stepped up the nice act, making this all so incredibly hard 😥 it doesn't change things it just a makes the guilt unbearable!

Read your list!!!

But it sounds like they're (rightly) firmly on your side - this should help with your fears about them being taken away etc. hopefully?

Don't let the nice act fool you.
He knows something is different with you and your beaten down. He doesn't want to give up the cushty life while you work and do all the house work and he does nothing all day.
If you stay, itll only be a matter of time before hes true nature comes out again.
He can only put up the act for so long.

Did they say about you staying in the hoise seen as its yours? They may see the refuge as a short term plan, after the worse of it is over, you can move back in. Thats worse case scenario.

Hi Linzi, I totally understand that you don't want to leave your home as it's yours at the end of the day, but please make sure on the day that you are ready to throw him out, you have a few family members and the police there for it to be done smoothly. As soon as he is out you will need to change the locks and maybe install a CCTV camera for reassurance.
Please don't feel guilty, he knows how to manipulate you as done it for years and believe me his Mr Nice Guy act is a manipulation as well. Be strong and refer to your list when you feel bad. Good luck, I'm sure all will be fine as it was eventually for me. 🙏🏻👍🤞

Yes you're all exactly right as always! Referred back to my list and feeling strong again!
The SW expression when I told her my worries of having kids removed was a picture lol I just knew from that look that it wasn't even an option yet so feel better about that.
Defo not being evicted anyway spoke to housing today. One less thing to worry about!
Gonna maybe look at moving nearer my sisters and nieces for a fresh start.
Thanks again guys your support has been amazing! X

So glad to hear you are feeling OK LINZI ! and that todays appointment went well.

Think carefully about what has been advised and consider all your options, make for and against lists re possibly moving,
consider your job and friends there, kids schools, where your friends and family are and other support networks.

Also conside how you are going to stay and feel safe if you stay where you are re, vile partner, ie security cameras, police alarm, security locks etc.

So very glad you are not being evicted, l assume you have sorted a payment plan, don't let him force you to default and cause more debt.

Lots to think about but most importantly two important people to help you, and reassure you there is no threat of taking your Dcs away!

Well done, a lot achieved today!