Abusive partner....please help

[linziluv123]

Hi, I really need some advice. My partner is abusing me and has done for 10 years. I’m finally at the point where I can’t go on anymore.
He’s simply horrible to me everyday, says unkind things to me in front of the kids all the time. He blames me for everything that goes wrong. A recent example is Friday, he wanted to put a bid on something on eBay, I asked him his maximum bid. I entered his maximum bid seconds before the end. He didn’t win it so went absolutely mental at me calling me all sorts of nasty things. Basically he didn’t understand how ebay works. Kept telling me the item was worth X amount. He told my 6 year old I’m a druggy too during his rant. (I smoke maybe half a spliff in the garden of an evening, don’t touch anything else, alcohol included. I have give up completely now though so he can’t use it against against me). He said he was leaving but never did. Just sat there with bags packed and coat on sniping at me all night.
I could give you examples of this of about 3-4 times a week from him.
He threatens to leave me and live with his mum, but says he’s taking my 6yo daughter, splitting her up from her 9yo autistic brother (both his children). He’s done it before so I know it’s not just talk.
I’ve had police and SS involvement over the years but it’s only ever me expected to jump through hoops, never him. He’s been allowed to act in this way all his life just cuz he’s bigger and louder than most people.
My mental health has been shocking for 10 years with multiple admissions and medication regimes. My dad hated him but sadly died in August. Around the time he died I just got shouted at and made to feel like shit then too. He even brings it up now saying my dad would be ashamed of me. It hurts so much.
I work full time, he hasn’t worked in 15 years. He’s “disabled” you see. When I finish work I literally have to do everything in the house. He sits at home either sleeping or gaming all day whilst I’m at work. At weekends he has to lie in until 11 and I have to constantly try and keep the kids quiet else he gets up shouting at us all.
I wanted to visit a friend who really needed me yesterday but he wouldn’t allow it. He went to his mates interest.
He’s been violent before but hasn’t been for a while. I admit that I did something bad last year, think financial infidelity. No excuses but my mental health was exceptionally poor and I made some shocking decisions. On the front of it he forgave me but realistically he absolutely loves having yet another stick to beat me with.
I make it easy for him to be awful to me really by doing stupid things but I honestly feel he sets me up for failure. I’m desperate to go to uni and complete my Nurse training but he won’t allow it as we would lose £5000 a year. I’ve suggested he got a job but he won’t.
People think he’s a great hands on Dad but they don’t hear the way he shouts at them. Tells them to shut up then shouts at them for repeating it! He makes it clear he prefers our daughter and I know this is because my son will only ever try and stick up for me. He blames me for my son being autistic, says it’s because of my mental health. I honestly don’t think I’d have mental health problems if it wasn’t for him!
He knows I’m terrible with the finances, yet won’t take over them, he’d rather let me fuck them up so he can shout at me more.
I dread finishing work everyday. I never know if he’s going to have a go at me. He demands to drive a fast boy racer type car despite having no job, but I’m responsible for paying for it, so it’s my fault when things start to go wrong with the car.
He threatens to tell his mum what I did last year and that keeps me “in check” I really would be mortified if she found out as I’m so ashamed. He doesn’t even show remorse or apologise anymore. There are literally no redeeming features anymore. It’s my fault by default every time.
So why don’t I leave? I’m terrified. He will try and ruin my life. The flat is in my name only so could kick him out but he will take everything his mum has bought, which is more or less everything. He’d leave me without a sofa or bed, even said he’d rip up the carpets. He’d make going to Work a nightmare. I rely on him to take the kids to school and pick them up. I had 6 months off sick last year so don’t want to take the piss at work.
I’m scared as I’ve no real evidence of the abuse. It’s all emotional although there will be past reports about it as SS banned him from seeing our children for 3 months back in 2012. He convinced me and SS that he’d changed, I really believed he had. I think I’m ashamed to ask for help this time as I chose to go back to him. I’m just so afraid of the alternative.
I’m sorry this is so long, I really could go on forever about how he treats me but you get the gist.
Please can anybody advise on what to do. I’m scared he will get full custody as he is technically their main carer as I work. I can’t have my children brought up by him and my son would hate to be away from me. I feel so trapped.

If your employer has an employee assistance programme...please use them.

Start trying to save in a separate secret account fir a rainy day.

It's a good job you arent married to this abuser.

So it's not his disability that is stopping him working, it's his shite personality!! And he's ok with living off the state, fraudulently by the sound of it, and your hard work!! What a peach.

I would certainly be holding that gem over his head when trying to get him to leave quietly! Piss off or I'll dob you in!

He has back pain from time to time but yes I have to agree, it's not the disability stopping him working it's his crap work ethics. He's just been "lucky" in that he's had a GP happy to exaggerate things too. He had a lady fill in his form who apparently "knows what they want to hear". Honestly this man has gone through his entire life getting exactly his own way at anybody's expense. He has a housing association flat that he sublets too, illegally obviously. I'd forgot that so there's another one to stick in the memory bank for later.
It's not a case of if he makes life difficult, he will. There's no way he's giving up this cushty life for anything. He has it all and I have nothing it feels. Except I have lots. I've always had full control of the finances. When we met mummy paid his bills and he gave her money to cover it. He's never ever in his life had to physically pay a bill or manage his own finances. He leaves it up to me as he knows I'm useless with money and it's yet another stock to beat me with when I get it wrong. Which is a lot. So many times I've took a payday loan out just so I don't have to confess to him that I've no money left.
The kids passports are in his bags. They're the first thing he grabs when I'm trying to kick him out. I could hide them but he'd smash my flat up looking for them. He'd do this whether the kids were there or not. The problem then is I'm usually so upset by him that he'd successfully convince the police that I was actually crazy. I don't feel it's a battle I can ever win as he won't stop until he's completely ground me down.

So very sorry op, all l can say is for the sake of you and your children you HAVE to get away from him but you know that.

There are a lot of things you can use against him, ie previous documented abuse/illegal subletting/benefit fraud.

If you are sensible you could end up with him in prison, or at the very least fighting so many other problems he has no time to harrass you whilst you get yourself and DCs away from him.

Now is the time to get finances organised, stop saying you are rubbish, you are quite capable of drawing up a simple budget of how much it costs you to live with the DCs if he was not there,

List your expenses, as if he were gone, then see if your salary will cover them.

Check what benefits/tax credits you may be entitled to ( do it in your work lunch break if you have too, but do it immediately) You really need to know how much you will have if he is gone.

Open a new bank account if he has access to yours, tell no one.

Can you get a tiny camera and record the verbal abuse? Hide it in an ornament?

Get proof of the illegal subletting, documents / photos / payments into bank etc

Get a video or photos of him attending the martial arts club, even if you have to get a friend to do it for you.

Put these photos and documents in a P O box, tell no one you have it.

Google fake/toy passports, you can get fakes and swap them, put the real ones in the PO box, unless he is the sort to check closely, which sounds unlikely.

See if you can get a week or more off work, explain your circumstances if necessary, and plan to go somewhere for that time, somewhere he cannot find you and Dcs, if you explain to their school there won't be a problem.
Organise totay with a friend perhaps, one he doesn't know, or if finances allow a very cheap holiday camp.

If you could get all this done you are almost free.

Just wait till he is out of the house, go with Dcs on your escape, then spill the beans on him to the police/ Benefit fraud office/ Call SS etc.

Arrange in advance to have the locks changed.

Call in some male friends to be there when you return too, and be prepared to call the police at any time.

Good luck op, please get him out and stay safe.

Can you report paasports lost/stolen and get replacements sent to your work address?

He's defrauding the state, illegally subletting flat and basically holding your children's passports hostage. He treatens to smash up your flat too. Do you think the police will really believe him if you ring them while he's smashing up your flat??

From what you are saying, i won't call you useless with money. More that with him sponging off you it means that your salary just doesn't stretch far enough. I assume he doesn't pay for rent, bills etc?

I really can't see how life could get any worse by kicking him out with no warning. Short term shite for long term goals! Change locks, and dob him into housing association and pip. Hopefully he'll be tòo busy trying to lie his way outta that crap to hassle you. Ideally a bit of jail time for fraud. We can always hope!

Woman's Aid the moment you can do so safely.

Some absolutely amazing practical advice here. I'm really grateful. With wages/benefits I get about £2000 a month....my rent is £450 and bills of my own not too bad, financially I would be ok. I've got to see the money advice team on Thursday as I fell behind with my rent last month (due to the immense pressure I was under to buy him an expensive Xmas present. He's since told me it was shit anyway 😢). They will do a budget plan with me so hopefully can make sense of it.
He's just being "normal" now, chatting away like nothing has happened. Makes me feel so guilty and disloyal but I have to keep in mind all the shit he's put me through.
He ruined the births of both babies, nearly dying with the 2nd. He created a massive row when my family were there as he wanted to name her destiny or Alabama 😖 my family left as they were so uncomfortable.
I found my sister recently who I hadn't seen since I was a baby, and my other sister and family along with her husband and son, went for a meal. He was so rude and obnoxious towards everyone it was embarrassing. I ended up apologising for his behaviour! He's like this all the time.
He once had to come in Work to collect me when I'd had a mental health crisis, my managers ended up reporting to social services because he was that awful to me when he got there as I'd inconvenienced him as he was helping a friend pick up a cabinet!
Sorry to keep giving examples, it's just helping me create a record x

Hi Op,

He sounds like a monster, don't be taken in my the 'nice' act. If you don't get rid of him you will be isolated from your newly found family and your friends, that is what abusers do.
More importantly this must be very traumatic for your DCs, they deserve better, do not let him frighten you into thinking he will take the Dcs he cannot, and probably is too lazy and self centered to even try. BUT still get lots of ammunition against him.

You seem to have a good financial situation if he was gone, in fact you could have a good life without him and be better off.

Could you go and stay with your family if you needed to escape for a while? Can you enlist their help? l am sure they would be horrified to know all you are struggling with and be happy to help.

OP lt sounds like your MH problems are entirely due to his abusive behavior, you could be free of that and be well and happy , your DCs deserve a happy mum, please make plans to go.

Also take THINGSDOGETBETTERS advice re passports, report them lost/stolen and get the new ones sent to your work. He will think he still has control but the passports he has hidden will be cancelled.

. Use it to your advantage to get the documents, information you need to build a case against him and plan your escape

He's always tried to isolate me from friends and family. I don't have friends as such as he makes it so difficult. He will pick them apart and try to convince me they are using me or whatever. He tells me my mum obviously doesn't give a shit about me as she never come to see me....she won't come here because of him!
It's my flat so I'm going nowhere....he will try his usual tactics of banging on the windows (he smashed one once 😫) trying to get the kids to let him in. They end up getting distressed and I have to let him in just to calm him down. Not anymore though. It will simply have to be a case of phoning the police. The last time I rang when he took our daughter after he'd physically hurt me. They never actually turned up! I should have followed it up but things just slipped back to normal.
He still actually wonders why I don't want sex with him 🤔 apparently I have a problem!
I'm definitely going to cancel the passports that's a great idea.
Going to confide in my manager tomorrow. Work are fantastic with me though (NHS) and I know my job will still be there once I've got things in place.
I'm feeling more positive already just planning this. I really have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I could stay with family they're all well aware of his behaviour. Both my son and I have massive anxiety about being out of our own environment. I can't stand being in the middle of other people's routines and noise! I like my own comforts.
I'm sure we will be fine in this flat with the police on speed dial! He has one key that I could quite easily take off his bunch without him noticing.

you are getting stronger by the hour linzi

So sorry to read this. What a vile specimen he sounds. Lots of good advice been given by other posters.

Good luck, once you get the ball rolling it is wonderful how much help is available.

When talking to relevent organisations tell them how
anxious/concerned you are as when the police were called previously they never arrived.

There may be a code name/number you can mention if needed when phoning for help again

Feel for you, this sounds such an awful environment for you and your children, please use all the support and resources you can access to put your plan in motion, maybe have locks changed if he has a key, stay strong, this will come to an end and your life will be happier, good luck

Hi Linzi, I don't have much to add to the advice you've been given except to second the idea to try your local Women's Aid if you struggle to get through on the national number. If you scroll down this link www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ til you get to 'Search by region or local authority' and enter your area it will give you details of your local services. Their opening hours tend to vary but they do seem to be easier to get hold of than the 24 hour number.

I hope you can get some RL support and start to see a way out for yourself and DC, I'm rooting for you

He’s got nowhere to live and the property is yours so why would they uproot the kids from your house? That’s unlikely. Go see a solicitor to get informed of your rights. Contact the benefits office and squeal him up! If he’s fit to work then they can stop him claiming and he will have to get off his arse and go to work. Then your worry of him getting them because he’s at home all day and you’re not disappears. Start making moves to eliminate each of your worries. Book to see a counsellor so you are seen to be making efforts at self improvement. Give up the weed and get rid of it from the house. See if you can do parenting and mental health improvement courses. Keep notes of everything you do. Keep all abusive texts/emails from him. Secretly record him ranting at you and/or the kids. Start building up all of your evidence! Start logging how much gaming time he has per day. All of this will go against him. He can’t just remove your daughter from the family home. Go see a legal professional who can put your mind at rest about that and once you’ve got rid of him sign up and finish your nursing training xxx

I know what you're saying is so right. I just can't shake off this guilt today 😥. I know I have nothing to feel guilty about and I'm damn sure he doesn't feel guilty about making me feel so pathetic and worthless.
I'm worried about the cost of going to court too.
Plan of action for today is to talk to my manager, contact my employee assistance programme for support and women's aid.
I've posted about this man before so can pull old posts....could this be used as evidence? I have a few recordings on my phone but he's caught me a couple of times and that didn't go well. I need a very discreet recorder that I can leave somewhere he won't notice.
I've mostly been very vocal when I've tried to get rid of him. GP, Psych, social services will all have a record. He even frightened my health visitor when my son was a baby by slamming a drink bottle into his other hand so pretty sure that'll be recorded somewhere.
Women's aid I've worked with before, my case even reached a MARAC meeting years ago and son was on child in need plan due to his abuse of me. He did a complete turn around and was amazing for about 3 weeks, by which time I was too frightened to go back to SS as I'd been warned any more arguments and my son would be straight on a child protection plan. So I just put up with it.
Thanks again for all the advice and support you have no idea how much it means to me x

and I have to let him in just to calm him down. - and does that work? does he calm down I bet her doesn't. Just that the anger comes inside, where the neighbours can#t see/hear. Next time, def call the police. Get the neighbours onside too if you can - if they see or hear him kick off, get them to call police stat.

I know it's hard, and it's a huge step, and there are loads of huge steps - but once you start on it, keep going.

You are doing well - make a list of things to do. Def get onto the Benefit Cheats website, and let his council know about the subletting - if nothing else it will keep him busy focusing on that!

I think I'd get down the police station and record the DV - most stations have a DV section. If they can flag your number up as 'high priority' they can get to you fast if you ring. You can also get good advice from them.

Don't worry too much about 'getting evidence' on film/record; as far as I know any such evidence is inadmissible unless the person knows about the recording. Anything 'written' tho (texts, emails etc) is ok. It's a good thing that SS WA etc are involved. They can help you if you trust them. If you show you are a good mother, putting your kids first, there is nothing to fear.

One step at a time. And KOKO!

I've told my manager everything. She is going to support me in any way she can. The safeguarding lead nurse is coming down any minute to have a chat with me. I'm terrified and feel it's all been taken out of my control 😥

not out of control - no way!!!! - it's called support :)

linzi - there is no way you can do all this by yourself. you don't have the contacts, the legal knowledge, the myriad different things that can be done to help you!

The more people who know, the more people who can help you and support you.

Tell the safeguarding lead everything. Tell the police everything. Tel WA everything - they cannot help unless they know everything!

Ok I've told her everything and it's going to MARAC. The threshold is 14 and I scored 20 😥 it's really hit it home how bad this is. The safeguarding lead was amazing. She contacting any relevant agencies and is coming back down tomorrow to phone women's aid with me.
I'm so scared 😩. She's promised me that if at any point I change my mind then that's ok so I feel I have some control left.

Please don't change your mind linzi. You said yourself - this is BAD!

Get over the first few hurdles - it does get easier. Please don't feel out of control - think of it as NOT handing control back to him!

You are doing so well. Keep going. Eyes on the prize...(a peaceful life, with your own money and your own life back - and your children happy and settled and calm)

KOKO

I know it’s all overwhelming once the train has left the station, so to speak, but it honestly is for the best, your confidence and judgment will be hugely rocked due to the abuse so try to allow others to guide you, they have your best interests at heart and will do the right thing even though it feels so big and scary to you at the moment, you are being really brave and this is the beginning of a better life, when you are less traumatised you will realise this was the turning point to the life you deserve

there are tears in my eyes reading this linzi. on your way to a peaceful life, perhaps a bumpy road ahead but you are strong enough to do this.

LINZI...please be reassured you are doing the very best for your Dcs, it is the fear of him that is making you wobble...that is what men like him do to keep you where they want you...enough.. no more.

Deep down you know this is absolutely terrible abuse and you cannot let it go on for your sake and your DCs...l know you know, they deserve a safe and peaceful future away from this monstrous man...and you WILL get rid of him difficult as it seems now.

You need to be brave and strong you have your Dcs future and yours in your hands, plough on take all the help and advice, lean on the people who are helping you, talk to them about your fears, they can see it so much more clearly and can help you through step by step...you will get there.

Wishing you strength and calm.

I'm so glad you have such wonderful people on your team

i agree that you need the police to flag your number up as priority and you need to give him no warning before you get him out, because if he were to get wind of this, it would put you in potential danger.

that's for another day though, there are other things to do before that, but the sooner he's gone, the sooner you will start to recover.

i know it's all bewildering when you admit to others just how bad things are and it must feel a bit freefall at the moment, but you need to trust these people, they are here to help you be safe

monstrous, that's a very accurate word for this man dragongirl