Abusive partner....please help

[linziluv123]

Hi, I really need some advice. My partner is abusing me and has done for 10 years. I’m finally at the point where I can’t go on anymore.
He’s simply horrible to me everyday, says unkind things to me in front of the kids all the time. He blames me for everything that goes wrong. A recent example is Friday, he wanted to put a bid on something on eBay, I asked him his maximum bid. I entered his maximum bid seconds before the end. He didn’t win it so went absolutely mental at me calling me all sorts of nasty things. Basically he didn’t understand how ebay works. Kept telling me the item was worth X amount. He told my 6 year old I’m a druggy too during his rant. (I smoke maybe half a spliff in the garden of an evening, don’t touch anything else, alcohol included. I have give up completely now though so he can’t use it against against me). He said he was leaving but never did. Just sat there with bags packed and coat on sniping at me all night.
I could give you examples of this of about 3-4 times a week from him.
He threatens to leave me and live with his mum, but says he’s taking my 6yo daughter, splitting her up from her 9yo autistic brother (both his children). He’s done it before so I know it’s not just talk.
I’ve had police and SS involvement over the years but it’s only ever me expected to jump through hoops, never him. He’s been allowed to act in this way all his life just cuz he’s bigger and louder than most people.
My mental health has been shocking for 10 years with multiple admissions and medication regimes. My dad hated him but sadly died in August. Around the time he died I just got shouted at and made to feel like shit then too. He even brings it up now saying my dad would be ashamed of me. It hurts so much.
I work full time, he hasn’t worked in 15 years. He’s “disabled” you see. When I finish work I literally have to do everything in the house. He sits at home either sleeping or gaming all day whilst I’m at work. At weekends he has to lie in until 11 and I have to constantly try and keep the kids quiet else he gets up shouting at us all.
I wanted to visit a friend who really needed me yesterday but he wouldn’t allow it. He went to his mates interest.
He’s been violent before but hasn’t been for a while. I admit that I did something bad last year, think financial infidelity. No excuses but my mental health was exceptionally poor and I made some shocking decisions. On the front of it he forgave me but realistically he absolutely loves having yet another stick to beat me with.
I make it easy for him to be awful to me really by doing stupid things but I honestly feel he sets me up for failure. I’m desperate to go to uni and complete my Nurse training but he won’t allow it as we would lose £5000 a year. I’ve suggested he got a job but he won’t.
People think he’s a great hands on Dad but they don’t hear the way he shouts at them. Tells them to shut up then shouts at them for repeating it! He makes it clear he prefers our daughter and I know this is because my son will only ever try and stick up for me. He blames me for my son being autistic, says it’s because of my mental health. I honestly don’t think I’d have mental health problems if it wasn’t for him!
He knows I’m terrible with the finances, yet won’t take over them, he’d rather let me fuck them up so he can shout at me more.
I dread finishing work everyday. I never know if he’s going to have a go at me. He demands to drive a fast boy racer type car despite having no job, but I’m responsible for paying for it, so it’s my fault when things start to go wrong with the car.
He threatens to tell his mum what I did last year and that keeps me “in check” I really would be mortified if she found out as I’m so ashamed. He doesn’t even show remorse or apologise anymore. There are literally no redeeming features anymore. It’s my fault by default every time.
So why don’t I leave? I’m terrified. He will try and ruin my life. The flat is in my name only so could kick him out but he will take everything his mum has bought, which is more or less everything. He’d leave me without a sofa or bed, even said he’d rip up the carpets. He’d make going to Work a nightmare. I rely on him to take the kids to school and pick them up. I had 6 months off sick last year so don’t want to take the piss at work.
I’m scared as I’ve no real evidence of the abuse. It’s all emotional although there will be past reports about it as SS banned him from seeing our children for 3 months back in 2012. He convinced me and SS that he’d changed, I really believed he had. I think I’m ashamed to ask for help this time as I chose to go back to him. I’m just so afraid of the alternative.
I’m sorry this is so long, I really could go on forever about how he treats me but you get the gist.
Please can anybody advise on what to do. I’m scared he will get full custody as he is technically their main carer as I work. I can’t have my children brought up by him and my son would hate to be away from me. I feel so trapped.

You need to speak to Womans Aid and start taking steps to get out of this.

Someone will be along shortly I am sure with better and more in depth advice OP. But you need to get out of this

I second contacting Women's Aid. Nobody should have to live like this. I'm no good at advice either, I'm afraid.

I know I need to get out of this 😥 if not for me for my kids sake! I just feel like it's all so much harder to prove as he hasn't hit me in so long.
Thanks for your replies x

What does 'disabled' mean? You feel he could work? Does he get disability payments?

Sounds like a horrid situation

You need to stop smoking weed. You are breaking the law and social services will look very unfavourable on this if he reports you.

I say "disabled" as he is in receipt of PIP due to an operation on his back when he slipped a disc around 18 years ago. He manages perfectly well and even does a martial art once a week so yeah, I do feel like there is something he could do.

Thethoughtfox I have given up. Not touched it since Xmas. Tbh though it's always been my way of coping with my situation. Social services were well aware I was smoking it eats ago but as I could show them I kept it well away from the kids, they weren't all too concerned about it as it was a minor thing in the grand scheme of things.

Find it inconceivable that ss would give him full custody of the children after banning him from seeing them for three months. If they thought shame was stopping you asking for help they would be horrified. The shame is his, not yours.
Your ss worker is praying that you come back for help if he didn't really change. They have seen this all before. Many many times because, unfortunately, you are not alone in this situation! Please accept you need help. Ring Woman's Aid and ss.

He cannot just take your daughter. The courts would take a very dim view of him splitting up siblings! Change locks when he is out. Tell police you fear for your safety and the safety of your children. Again they have seen this before. They won't be expecting physical proof. He's been banned from seeing his children by ss before. He has form!

Decide on your battles. The house is yours. That's an enviable position to be in for a abuse situation (if there is such a thing as enviable position in these circumstances ).
Sod the carpets and sofa etc. Let him PROVE his MOTHER supplied them and they were not a gift to you. SHE will have to want them back in the first place. He can't just take HER stuff, let them take you to court. And then give them back if you have to. There are charities that will help you refurnish - Woman's Aid can help with this. Again the courts will take dim view of a father depriving his children out of spite.

sod being ashamed if his mother finds about whatever happened last year. You made one error in judgement. He's made hundreds. Think his mother won't be ashamed of his behaviour? She brought him up. I'd be mortified if i was her!

Sod expecting him to help get them to school so you can work. There are ways of getting round being dependent on him for this. Working single mum's do it all the time. You will too.
You have been finacially supporting your children and him for years regardless of your mh issues. That makes you an amazingly strong woman! The extra money from not supporting him can go on breakfast and sfter school clubs.
You are not trapped. He has persuaded you you are. Stop believing his manipulative lies. Ask for help, get your ducks in a row and break out of this cage he has you believing in.

Thingsdogetbetter you just made me cry. Thanks so much for taking the time to reply in so much depth. I know deep down you are right. I'm just so scared of change. Should I speak to women's aid as the first port of call or should I speak to SS myself? It's been years since we had involvement so don't have a social worker currently. As lovely as she was, I think she was quite inexperienced and got taken in by him. He is very charismatic when he wants to be.
His mum knows an awful lot of he violence and abuse but aside from calling him on it and taking my side when he starts in front of her but I think she's scared of him cutting her out. Which he won't do for good as he's set to inherit a fair bit and that's the important thing to him.

Grr total name change fail there. Gone from Ipad to phone but not changed my name. Sorry if that makes it harder to follow

Go for woman's aid first, they have vast experience in these situations. I understand that they can be quite hard to reach because of the number of calls -depressing in itself - but don't weaken you CAN do this. You desire happiness!!

Change is scary. But change is always short term by definition. You need to be looking long term. Your own home without abuse. Improved mh. Happier children with a happier mum. Being able to close your door on the outside world and know it's your haven, not the daily battleground it is now. Isn't that worth a bit of sort term fear and upheaval?!

Yes you are right. I guess I'm frightened of not being believed and he gets full custody of the kids. I truly believe he will damage them beyond repair if that happens 😞

Not finding out what help you can get and your legal rights is just perpetuating this fear. Your thinking worse case, without any evidence that will be what happens. Get yourself informed and then make a decision. Being informed is a lot less frightening then letting your imagination of worse case scenarios make decisions for you!

knowledge is power - good luck

You're absolutely right. I'm going to start making plans to get him out. It's daft but I'm also feeling some misplaced loyalty towards him although he doesn't deserve it. I'll phone women's aid tomorrow to at least listen to what they advise.

Find your local Woman's Aid number and call that. I found it impossible to get through on the national number as it was so busy but I was able to get through to the local branch easily and they were very helpful.

please keep us update linzi

God I really feel for you, what an awful way to live. I know you're scared but doesn't the thought of living the rest of your life like this scare you more?
I hope you get some good advice from Women's aid. You are very lucky that your flat is in your name. You are perfectly within your rights to throw his stuff out and change the locks. I know you don't want to antagonise him but he's not going to be happy when you end things anyway. He cannot just take your children away and its highly unlikely he would get custody either.

Speak to Woman's aid, look into breakfast/after school clubs or childminders to solve the school drop off issue and then take action to get this leech out of your life.
You deserve happiness and so do your children. Best of luck x

Oh I'll keep you updated. I'm desperate for support through this and I already feel better having wrote it all out. Thanks again for the replies I will post when I've got in touch with women's aid x

just a thought but pip for disabled - but can do martial arts. thought you had to be fit to that

WA are awesome. Sometimes difficult to get hold of because they're so busy, so keep trying.

One of the reasons you feel you can't leave is because he is constantly chipping away at you. Once you are free of him, then you'll see much more clearly. Bit of a vicious circle. But keep talking and posting and researching. As PP upthread said, knowledge is power.

It's not a hugely energetic martial art but I'm not convinced there's not a single job he could do. He couldn't cope working under someone anyway he wouldn't last 5 minutes. He doesn't like to be told.

but is he eligible for the benefit he is receiving? is he committing benefit fraud. sorry not that that is relevant - just a thought.

If you really want to get out, plan your exit NOW.

You probably know the drill already, passports, financial information any essential documentation.

Have you got your own resources? Are your finances controlled by partner or have you access to your own funds?

I know it is not an easy thing to leave or kick him out either. But if you have decided to go, get your ducks in a row and plan your exit well.

Many women do not have the opportunity to plan before they are strangled and killed. Take note.

I wish you all the luck in the world.