Abusive partner....please help

[linziluv123]

Hi, I really need some advice. My partner is abusing me and has done for 10 years. I’m finally at the point where I can’t go on anymore.
He’s simply horrible to me everyday, says unkind things to me in front of the kids all the time. He blames me for everything that goes wrong. A recent example is Friday, he wanted to put a bid on something on eBay, I asked him his maximum bid. I entered his maximum bid seconds before the end. He didn’t win it so went absolutely mental at me calling me all sorts of nasty things. Basically he didn’t understand how ebay works. Kept telling me the item was worth X amount. He told my 6 year old I’m a druggy too during his rant. (I smoke maybe half a spliff in the garden of an evening, don’t touch anything else, alcohol included. I have give up completely now though so he can’t use it against against me). He said he was leaving but never did. Just sat there with bags packed and coat on sniping at me all night.
I could give you examples of this of about 3-4 times a week from him.
He threatens to leave me and live with his mum, but says he’s taking my 6yo daughter, splitting her up from her 9yo autistic brother (both his children). He’s done it before so I know it’s not just talk.
I’ve had police and SS involvement over the years but it’s only ever me expected to jump through hoops, never him. He’s been allowed to act in this way all his life just cuz he’s bigger and louder than most people.
My mental health has been shocking for 10 years with multiple admissions and medication regimes. My dad hated him but sadly died in August. Around the time he died I just got shouted at and made to feel like shit then too. He even brings it up now saying my dad would be ashamed of me. It hurts so much.
I work full time, he hasn’t worked in 15 years. He’s “disabled” you see. When I finish work I literally have to do everything in the house. He sits at home either sleeping or gaming all day whilst I’m at work. At weekends he has to lie in until 11 and I have to constantly try and keep the kids quiet else he gets up shouting at us all.
I wanted to visit a friend who really needed me yesterday but he wouldn’t allow it. He went to his mates interest.
He’s been violent before but hasn’t been for a while. I admit that I did something bad last year, think financial infidelity. No excuses but my mental health was exceptionally poor and I made some shocking decisions. On the front of it he forgave me but realistically he absolutely loves having yet another stick to beat me with.
I make it easy for him to be awful to me really by doing stupid things but I honestly feel he sets me up for failure. I’m desperate to go to uni and complete my Nurse training but he won’t allow it as we would lose £5000 a year. I’ve suggested he got a job but he won’t.
People think he’s a great hands on Dad but they don’t hear the way he shouts at them. Tells them to shut up then shouts at them for repeating it! He makes it clear he prefers our daughter and I know this is because my son will only ever try and stick up for me. He blames me for my son being autistic, says it’s because of my mental health. I honestly don’t think I’d have mental health problems if it wasn’t for him!
He knows I’m terrible with the finances, yet won’t take over them, he’d rather let me fuck them up so he can shout at me more.
I dread finishing work everyday. I never know if he’s going to have a go at me. He demands to drive a fast boy racer type car despite having no job, but I’m responsible for paying for it, so it’s my fault when things start to go wrong with the car.
He threatens to tell his mum what I did last year and that keeps me “in check” I really would be mortified if she found out as I’m so ashamed. He doesn’t even show remorse or apologise anymore. There are literally no redeeming features anymore. It’s my fault by default every time.
So why don’t I leave? I’m terrified. He will try and ruin my life. The flat is in my name only so could kick him out but he will take everything his mum has bought, which is more or less everything. He’d leave me without a sofa or bed, even said he’d rip up the carpets. He’d make going to Work a nightmare. I rely on him to take the kids to school and pick them up. I had 6 months off sick last year so don’t want to take the piss at work.
I’m scared as I’ve no real evidence of the abuse. It’s all emotional although there will be past reports about it as SS banned him from seeing our children for 3 months back in 2012. He convinced me and SS that he’d changed, I really believed he had. I think I’m ashamed to ask for help this time as I chose to go back to him. I’m just so afraid of the alternative.
I’m sorry this is so long, I really could go on forever about how he treats me but you get the gist.
Please can anybody advise on what to do. I’m scared he will get full custody as he is technically their main carer as I work. I can’t have my children brought up by him and my son would hate to be away from me. I feel so trapped.

Thanks Dragongirl. My beautiful babies are what is going to get me through this. I've lost years of their childhood. I feel I've neglected them because of him because his needs have had to take priority. My son hasn't done homework in a long time as it requires a battle that I simply have no energy for. I hardly read to them and I definitely let them have too much screen time. I promised them that all that will change. I will be a better mum and certainly a happier one.
Silly things like I'm not allowed to shop at Aldi as he's too good for that, the food is shit apparently (he's never tried it). I have no choice but to buy him marks and Spencer's, slumming it with Tesco's now and again . He's so racist and sexist too. If you asked my kids who the "shit" driver in front was, they'd say a woman. It's disgusting. He judges everyone and thinks he's better than anybody else. He has two friends on the whole planet that he would be horrified for them to find out what he's really like, he acts like a different man in front of them that's how I know he can control it.
I'll tell him things that he'll later swear blind I never told him.
I worry as the kids see him as the "fun" parent a lot of the time. Sings with them, plays with them, carries them to bed (on his "bad back")....I have no time or energy to play and have fun....there aren't enough hours in the day. I retire to bed every night at 9 so I can escape 😫

I do feel I owe his mum a letter. I never want her out of my kids lives she's been an amazing grandmother. She knows she failed him, I think that's why she tries to compensate by helping us so much. I feel she tries to help me by keeping him as sweet as possible. If the car breaks down and we have no money, she will cover it. She gets the kids beautiful clothes, carpeted my flat and bought our bed. I honestly would have nothing without her and she's never made me feel i owe her anything. His step dad is amazing too and has been in his life since he was 2. Both parents worked multiple jobs all their lives. I really fail to see where they went so wrong with him. His sisters are all in normal, non abusive relationships too. It's odd.
They have always stuck up for me when he's started in front of them, he's made his mum cry on more than one occasion with his nasty mouth. She was close to cutting him out of her will entirely she told me. Bless her she's not the most intelligent woman by any means, I genuinely believe she just doesn't know how to deal with it at all.

well op, just think how nice it will be to actually read with your Dcs and have time and energy for them!
You have done the best you can but now you have an opportunity to really change their lives and their futures for the better, if you stayed he would corrupt their minds until they became like him or just permanently distressed.

It does seem like you have lots of support from his mum and extended family, and hopefully that can continue, after he has gone from your flat.
Do tell his DM how it has been no holds barred, it really sounds like she will be a great help and see and love her GCs, which will help them feel secure and get over the horrible behavior they have witnessed from their father.
How are your plans going?

Sending you strength and support for tomorrow.

This time tomorrow he may be gone!!!!!

I'm definitely going to at least try and maintain a relationship with his Mum and I will tell her everything.
I don't have plans as such yet. I'm still coming to terms with the idea. I have cancelled the kids passports, got support in place, still currently going through all my fears one by one and working through them, will phone women's aid today and see what they can advise. I'm in no way ready to simply say to him to leave. I can't see him going today of his own accord either. What I won't do is let him kick off again. I absolutely will use the police if needs be.

Linz - I have read the whole thread and you sound stronger and stronger with every post, you can do this. Wishing you all the strength in the world. Make 2018 your year x

Echoing User5, you're doing great Linzi, keep going. Much as we'd all like to see you away from him asap you have to do this at your own pace, you sound calm and determined now and that's a massive achievement in such a short time. Just keep working through the things you need to have in place, I suspect your strength will grow as you go along and there will come a point where you feel ready.

So far today I've felt nothing but guilt. I'm feeling guilty that he's going to leave with nothing. Feel guilty that I know he will never ever have a proper family again. Feel guilty that I know he's going to be so upset about the kids. He does love them I know he does but I've told him time and again that love alone is not enough.
I know deep down he has nobody else but himself to blame for all of this but it doesn't make it any easier. He lost any right to my loyalty years ago though.
God I'm so mixed up and confused. The kids were really cuddly with me last night, my son is anyway but was a nice surprise from my daughter. All I can do is show them I love them with every ounce of my being and promise them life will get better.

Good morning op, sorry you are feeling so rotten this morning, it will pass l promise, he has made you feel bad for everything for so many years it has become a habit.

Here's a thought.... when you feel guilt...leaving you could be the making of him, he could get a job, have his own money, build a better relationship with his seemingly nice family, he could even get help for his anger issues.......if he chooses to not do those things then that is entirely up to him.

He has all those options, some people have no family, serious disabilities, no kids and yet manage to live well, he has all those things mentioned above yet chooses to be an abusive bully...STOP with the guilt, he should be feeling guilty for the appaling way he has treated you and his Dcs.

One question Op for you...Why do you not deserve to be happy and have what you want?

He's made me feel I owe it to him to be his whipping boy due to some of the poor decisions I've made that have affected him. That's why I believe he never shows he's sorry, he genuinely thinks it's ok to abuse me because I've done things all wrong 😩. Like I said, it's all I've known in adult relationships. I know it's not normal as I talk to colleagues and can see how different their lives are but I guess it's just a case of it's what I'm used to.

I can see your point totally, he is the longest standing relationship you have had and it is your point of reference for what is 'normal'

Then you see others through your work and see it is not in any way normal, let alone loving or supportive, which relationships should be.

People's responses here are showing you that life is not normally, as harsh and unkind as yours has been, but he is constantly belittling and scaring you and mentally manipulating you into believing you are wrong, we are all saying NO HE IS NASTY AND WRONG! You have not done anything to cause this.

We respond according to our life experiences, ie if my DH hit me even once, l would leave the same day even after 15 yrs of good marriage as to me it is so totally unacceptable to hit someone.

Also you talk about your poor decisions, but you have had to struggle so hard just to survive his abuse, you have made the only decisions you felt were open to you at that moment! Give yourself some credit.

Believe me we all make the most monumentally stupid decisions, we all get things wrong, the difference is you are not forgiving yourself, and accepting it is in the past and what matters now is the decisions you make today and tomorrow.

Nothing you have ever done, excuses or gives him permission to be violent and abusive,
Nothing you have ever said, has caused him to be violent and abusive.

He is violent and abusive because he chooses to be.

You don't have to live with it, OP you deserve so much better.

Do you not feel angry at him?

I feel intense anger at times. So angry I get to understand how people can snap and kill. I wouldn't obviously as I have total control of my temper. He's attacked me before now, I've been unmarked and he's got marks from me trying to protect myself! He then says that he will get be arrested and I stupidly believed he would try that! He's often said he'd rather our kids in care than with me. He will do anything he can to make me look as awful as he can 😩

OP that anger can be a great strength to you, l don't mean to fight back! but when you feel those negative thoughts,

I am so stupid/I am the problem/I have to do as he says/ He thinks l am a bad mother..etc

Find your anger and kick those thoughts away, replace with

He is a nasty abusive bully/ he doesn't care for me or Dcs/ I do NOT have to do as he says in MY flat, with MY money/ I do not care what he says/ I will get free of him/ How DARE he. etc

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

We feel stronger when angry and it can help to get you free of him.

Do you know if he has followed through with his threat to leave today yet?

I so want this to get better for you OP

He can but try Linzi. But he won't. It's just another threat to keep you in line - along with 'I'll get custody, I'll take the kids far away' you'll never get the kids because you are an unfit mother...'

It's all threats. They know that if they threaten the kids, we do anything to keep them. But they actually have no interest in 'having' the kids, or fighting for them, or any of it. They don't want the work involved in looking after their own kids.

And as for making you look bad - the courts have seen it all before. In fact any father making this declaration is usually shown as being bitter and abusive - not someone you want to hand the kids to! And if he thinks he can tell them you are 'unfit' - well, he had no problem leaving them with you, letting you do all the work; if he really thought you were unfit, he'd be taking on the work, doing it all, as you couldnt'..

The only thing he can do is tell people how 'bad' you are - and if you have the right people behind you, these 'people' won't matter. Let him talk and bitch. You have professionals on Team Linzi. Not drunks down the pub.

You're so right about the anger thing. I find I'm much more
In control when I'm angry. Can say what I need to say without getting mixed up and upset. I can also remember what has been said as my head is clearer. Usually I'm hysterical and don't remember a thing that kicked it off!

Is there an update? I've been following your thread since the start, whilst Ive been stuck on the settee suffering the horrible cold bug that's going round. I'm hoping that everything is ok. Fingers xxx'd for you

Hi Maggie, not much to update yet. I'm waiting on somebody contacting me as the MARAC form has been sent off now. My boss reiterated again today that she was there for me to support in any way, if I needed any time for appointments or anything like that then I could go no problem. She's also said my job is secure no matter what happens. Obviously my patients come first so if I start finding it difficult to keep it together in Work I may need some time off but will worry about that if it happens.
I'm feeling really strong actually.
I guess I don't really know how this is going to pan out....do I sit it out until he next kicks off and makes it easier for me to kick him out? I really don't feel able to just tell him to go whilst I seemingly have no reason to do so....I need to feel anger like a pp said....my coping mechanism for years has just been to simply brush it under the carpet and move on. I don't feel any emotion towards the things he's done at the moment. I hope I'm making sense 😫

What you wrote about his mother OP - how sad, sad, SAD that she worries about him so much, and yet she is doing exactly the things that allow him to carry on being a broken, rubbish excuse of a man. She has enabled him, by not confronting him and by rushing around trying to fix all the shit that his appalling behaviour has created.

Thing is, you are doing just the same. You are worrying about how awful it will be for him etc etc. But YOU are enabling him to carry on being a shit. If you really cared for him - him, not for his emotional state - which belongs to HIM not you btw, - but for HIM as a man, a human being - then you would kick him out so that he has a chance to go and live a real life with real consequences for his actions. In protecting him you are keeping him broken and really, truly disabled. And what you have done to yourself, the cost of all this is far worse and you now need to care for yourself, to have some compassion for yourself.

You are allowed to be angry you know. At every minute of your brilliant future life without him that you are wasting...

Thanks, I was getting worried something bad had happened.
You'll do and I think from my own experience you've got to do it when it's the right time for you and to make sure that everything is in place to be sure it will work out.
I agree with haffiana in that he has sought out someone who will be like his mother protecting him from himself and colluding with his bullying behaviour. He sounds like a petulant child who wants his own way all the time. Bullies in my experience are just overgrown kids that pick on people to make themselves feel big. He'll shout and bawl and make threats when you stand up to him but in the end he'll survive because he'll find someone else to play with and the cycle will start again unless he makes big changes to himself. But why should you sacrifice your live to him and your children's lives. You sound like you have the potential for a great life - you just have to past this next few days to get though to your new life - everyday will be another day of your new life - without this big millstone round your neck dragging you down. Xx

I absolutely agree. My mum has always said he acts like a petulant child, throwing his toys out when he doesn't get his own way.
I'm trying to distance myself emotionally and harden my heart but it's so so hard. There have been good times, obviously, times when we've laughed and had fun and I'd be lying if I didn't say I love him very much and I'm so very sad it's come to this. I pity him as he will never ever find true happiness.
Like you say though, I shouldn't have to sacrifice myself and my kids. He's had numerous opportunities to change, he could have had such a good life.
I have a big problem in that I'm really, really bothered what people think of me. It makes me anxious just thinking about what he's going to lead people to believe about me. It upsets me to be hated by anybody and he's going to hate me so much when he finds out about all of this. Although, I'd rather her kept that hatred up as I feel it'll make it a lot easier for me to make the break and stay strong. Him crying and showing he's sorry is what I dread. I know it'd be an act but it still won't help me from feeling immense guilt.

Oh god I'm having a massive wobble today. My anxiety symptoms are crippling me. I've made an appointment with my favourite GP for Friday so will ask him to prescribe propanalol or something to take the edge off. I've spent 10 years being medicated for no real reason and I don't want to go down that route again if I can help it.
I'm in work now but feeling sick with worry. I feel like I've just blown my whole world apart. I want him to go, I need him to go but I also don't want him to go. I don't want things to change and I'm scared.
I really don't feel strong enough anymore 😢

Hang in there LINZI, it is to be expected to feel scared and upset when you are making such a huge change.
Change is always scary, but your and your Dcs futures will be so much happier and healthier without him in your home.

Don't worry about taking anything that helps right now, just to get you through this time, you can stop after and it will be so much easier. See your lovely GP, get support, you have some great support around you, talk to people here who have been through it and they will give you great support.

Accept your feelings they will pass and you will survive. Thinking of you today .

One day at a time - just keep getting though one day then the next day.
You are bound to feel a lots of emotions- regret anger sadness self doubt, go with them they're part of the process- get whatever help you need to get through this - it will be worth it to get a life for yourself and your DC

I was married to an alcoholic- I kept my life locked into separate compartments- work family, friends and Home - I thought his drinking was my fault and tried very hard to keep it a secret. I was worried about what people would think of me - that they'd blame me and judge me for being with an alcoholic. But once I'd left I was amazed at how many people knew and the support I got from them. No one will will judge you - look at the support and acceptance you've got from us and we don't know you in RL. I think if people believe him and his stories then they aren't worth having as friends anyway.

Morning, You are entitled to a wobble - we all have them at times.

If your boss who sounds very understanding is around have a chat with her about how you are feeling .

You are doing so well x

The wobbles are utterly natural. Our brains have this horrible mechanism called something like Euphoric Recall (it's actually the reason drug addicts remember the highs but forget the crashes etc.) - basically the good memories come to the fore and the negatives ones are suppressed.

Your situation sounds so much like my girlfriend's with her ex, particularly -

• Constant anger if she didn't get things right despite relying on her for everything.
• her being utterly paralysed by the thought of what people think.
• Anything she'd done wrong being used against her having full custody, despite there being hardly anything and him having enough to fill an encyclopedia!
• Her feeling crushing guilt, because she was so used to looking after him and also she was sure he'd never meet anyone else and be alone.
• His mum and family knowing full well that he treated her like shit, but her still worrying about them and feeling like she was letting them down!

...there's more, but I think she'd understand what you're going through!

The thing she still can't forget is how much she wobbled, even when she started to feel so much happier and freer, the guilt could come back and suddenly all the shouting, all the negative influence on the kids, all of the bad stuff would hide somewhere in her head when she tried to recall it.

What she did was this: Gave her sister a list of all the reasons she could think of why she was leaving him. And whenever the guilt or doubt really rose up she'd call her sister, who would start ready the list. I say start to read, because it really only took the first two or three points to do the trick!

Oh, and it was the best thing she ever did. She felt stronger than she ever had. It was hard but it was worth it.

The bit that struck me was what you said about dreading coming home from work. When she first got to the point where she seriously considered leaving him, she confided in her parents, and her dad said that if you ever get to the point in a relationship where work is your happy place and you dread going home, you're living a half life and always will until you deal with the source of this misery.

You're blatantly strong enough to do this.