Would he go for counselling or CBT therapy to address the trigger points and rages that he’s responsible for.
And he IS responsible for these rages and the hurt he causes during his temper tantrums, even if he’s happy to pretend he is not.
I remember reading somewhere that rage is a combination of powerlessness and fear. So, being very scared and yet not being able to close down or resolve that gut wrenching fear... so you hit out and rage. Basically like an ape beating his chest and throwing shit everywhere trying to scare off a threat that just isn’t going away.
Which means it’s an incredibly unproductive state. Anger can actually be healthy in some ways, but rage, not so much. And rage doesn’t resolve itself except by just getting tired, so all your partner is doing is inflicting his bad feelings and behaviour onto his innocent family, and getting temporary relief until his rage spills over again... and again... and again... because it won’t go away until he actually deals with it.
I have a lot of sympathy for you both. But you must know that you cannot take on his pain and carry his load in life. He has to deal with it. And it’s ok for you to say no, you cannot treat me of our children like this anymore. It’s ok to protect yourself and to protect your children. It’s not being defiant to do that. Please stop using that word about yourself.
Your partner needs to stop the raging. Full stop. And as that means he needs to deal with the reasons that he’s raging in the first place, empty promises of ‘I won’t do it again’ just won’t do. I realise he wants you to pretend that these rages don’t happen/ don’t do harm/ can get him instant forgiveness, but that’s him hiding from his duty as your partner and a father. That’s him pretending to himself. That’s him denying what he’s doing. That’s him denying the hurt he’s inflicting on you and his children.
Don’t agree to this. Don’t let him pretend and deny and minimise. Well, at least, he’s free to do all that to himself but make it clear you won’t join in with him.
I’m afraid that if a man refuses to face what he’s actually afraid of, in favour of hurting his wife and children instead, that makes him a Coward. And a Bully.
If he’s too busy letting himself off the hook and demanding you all join in the ‘let’s pretend daddy isn’t an abuser’ game, then the rages will never stop.
And you will either end up reliving history or leaving him.
That’s the choice he’s forcing you to make by being such a coward.
I can say that from the outside looking in. With me doing everything I am trying to break the cycle my parents left me with... so, I can be angry with this man on your behalf. He’s a coward. Hes a pathetic man child forcing you to be the only adult.
He’s weak and he’s an abuser. He’s too scared to look at his own behaviour and stop himself becoming what he’s always sworn he’d never become... an abusive bully just like his father. It’s so stupid because it’s simply his own weakness that’s got him to this state. And it’s his own weakness that is stopping him acting like a real husband and a real father, and getting help to change his behaviour.
That’s it really. I suggest you sit down and have a calm conversation with him (not using my words!). Tell him that you need to stop pretending that these rages are ok, normal or should be ‘forgotten’. Explain the harm they are doing on you and your children. And say you will support him in getting help to address the underlying reason for his rage. And I do think you need to be firm that unless the rages stop, you and your children cannot continue to live like that... with him. I’m afrajd you do really have to face that option. You cannot live with another abusive man, you really can’t.
And don’t accept any empty waaah I promise I’ll change nonsense. It has to be backed up by action. And he won’t be able to make long term change without addressing the underlying reasons for his rage. As it’s not anything you are doing (no! It’s REALLY NOT, and not anything that’s happening right now in your lives. Close that down. Refuse to engage in the blame game. Nothing you can do or say is to blame for another persons behaviour. You might be a right pain in the arse (!) but then a non abusive person would walk off, or refuse to engage, etc etc. No excuse for raging.
Remember these rages aren’t a natural type of anger or normal argument. Raging is different. So no. This is not about you.
Imagine this is you speaking, Repeat after me 
...”this is not about me. No one else is responsible for your raging. Not me. Not our children. No one. This is about you. I might be annoying but we’re not talking about that. We’re talking about your rages. It’s coming from inside you and you need to take responsibility for it and get help to change”.
Good luck. I hope he steps up and does get some courage to deal with his issues.