I am feeling low today and hoping MN can help me understand something.
Background - Myself and DH both had appalling childhoods - neglect peppered with abuse. DV and too many children/chaotic too young parents in my house, alcoholism and neglect in his.
DH is a good husband and father - takes on the bulk of child care and ferries kids to all their activities etc. Also works full time. Over the last few years he has started to have 'rages' that are impossible to stop. They are based around his 'life being shit' people 'making him late' or 'wasting his money/time' etc. They are fairly short lived and usually last as long as the job or whatever he is doing - he then expects us to all 'forget it' because 'he was stressed'.
FIL has always had these rages and been physically abusive. We are NC with them after he pushed me over for being 'in his way' when I was 8 months pregnant.
My F has also always had rages - he once attacked me in a shopping centre because I did not congratulate him warmly enough when he told me he was marrying his gf of 2 months. My entire childhood was marred by an angry man spoiling every event - birthdays, holidays - everything - we were on egg shells and I remember the happiness when he was away from the house or we could get mum to ourselves.
I have 2DC. They are 12 and 14 and well behaved, kind children. They are occasionally rude, silly etc but generally they are the best you could hope for. I am sick of DH's rages and have, to my shame, started shouting back. I do not want the tense atmosphere in my house that spoiled my childhood. I also do not want my DC to leave home at 18 and never return as there is always a nasty atmosphere.
DH is generally fun and can be very childlike. It's an odd situation and I am now wondering if in fact it is me that makes all these men so angry - by being defiant and expecting them to be pleasant.
Is seems a coincidence that all 3 of these men have done this and I am now thinking it is me, a defiant, tough uncompromising woman, who makes these men so angry.
I just want a peaceful life. I love DH v much. We have been together since we were 18 and are probably co dependant due to our childhoods. These rages are a very small part of him and he is supportive and kind the rest of the time. I know he loves me intensely and would never betray me. I know DC are his no 1 priority. He doesn't drink at all, he spends all his time doing things for our family.
Does anyone have any advice? Is it me? Sorry this is long and muddled. Please be kind. Thank you