Practical advice needed, getting divorced, he owns his own business.

[Iceland22]

I’m heartbroken but he has made up his mind so I need to be practical.

Married 10 years. He started his business about five years ago.
The building that he operates his business from is owned by him (pension fund) and rented back to the business.
He earns about 3.5k per month which 3k is dividend, £500 salary.
I don’t know where to start.

We have two girls, in the past five years I’ve only worked full time for 18 months after having one child after another (maternity leave and redundancy). Girls are 6 and 4. I can’t face the thought of 50/50 access, I want them with me.

He decided tonight. He’s not going to change his mind. I need to be practical. What do I do now?

I am sorry you find yourself in this predicament.
You must make a list of all the assets. House and its contents, car, what you know about his company and his earnings, contents of bank accounts , your earnings and go to see a solicitor. If your husband wants a divorce he will be planning his future without you. You could receive a letter from his solicitor any day, so be ready.
As for the children it may not be 50/50 but some kind of access and child support must be agreed.
Good luck.

Thank you for replying Posh.

photo's of each room makes listing house contents easier.

Another question sorry. What happens when you’re in limbo in terms of money? If he doesn’t pay into the joint account I can’t afford this house.

GO AND SEE A LAWYER. There are sneaky shitty ways for folk to attempt to ring fence their business assets, and try to make them non eligible as marital assets. The building as pension is raising a red flag for me.

Good luck.

Can you tell me why it’s a red flag? I’m clueless. I will see a lawyer, I want full financial disclosure, but I need to know what I’m looking for x

Just that he has clearly been taking legal advice regarding his finances, how he is paid, the pension/business premises.

If there is a business it will be complicated, and you will need a lawyer.

If you are worried that your H will stop paying for things like the mortgage after he leaves, then you definitely need a lawyer.

Dont think making a list is enough. Could end up your word against his. Copy/photograph any paperwork relating to his business/building/salary/bank accounts/mortgage etc that you can. Asap. And i mean immediately. And when he is out.
Work on the assumption that he will try and hide/ringfence assets and be a bastard. Not saying he will, but just in case.
Also log who is doing the childcare/pickups from school etc. If it's an evenish splits courts will consider 50:50 as a continuation of what the children are used to. The children's best interest are what is considered, not what the father or mother 'want'. So you need to frame the "i want them with me" in a way that makes it clear it is in THEIR best interest.
That said, if he is a hands-on dad who splits day to day care now, then he is entitled to have 50:50. Harsh as it sounds, he is leaving you, not the children.

He works away a lot and evenings too but does the nursery drop off. He doesn’t do school pick up.
Since having the kids I’ve onky worked full time for a year.
He has not once read with the eldest and the reading diary shows this. When he’s home he works some weekends too.

@ diddlemethis Putting a business property into in a SIPP (self invested personal pension) is one of the most tax efficient ways of family wealth planning. It should NOT be seen as a red flag at all. It's simply sound financial planning.

@ OP It will be part of his pension which you would naturally have a financial interest in following a divorce. The decision to use a SIPP is highly likely to be of significant financial benefit to you personally.

Sorry I’m the original poster - babe changed for some reason to Newstart.
He’s adamant he wants 50% care.

He's said he wants 50%, but does he really or is it just a way to not pay you maintenance. Has he thought it through? Chilren are expensive. Ask him how he plans to facilitate this? Manage the school runs? Taking days off work when kids are ill? How will he manage sleepless nights? No more working overtime etc. Business will have to take second place.
Get legal advise asap. If he doesn't share the care now the family judge would not be keen on changing the kids lives to such an extent. Who takes them to school now, who reads to them, who mops up their sick, who they come to when sick/upset etc are what will be taken into consideration.

What he is adament about, is not what the judge will care about. It's what will cause the least disruption to the children and what is in their best interest.

If he shares care now, then I'm afraid you may have to accept that 50/50 maybe in your children's best interest, regardless of how heartbeaking you find it.

Thank you. I’ve done all the childcare for the last three summer holidays, Easter and October break. He literally hardly has a day off. Will this count? I’ve worked but took holidays, half days, dropped at sports camp etc when the eldest is off school.
My body aches and I can’t stop crying. I have to go to work tomorrow too.
He earns far more than me - will he not have to pay anything if he gets 50%?

Regarding child maintenance when he has 50/50 you need to get yourself to shit hot lawyer (shl), tomorrow if possible. Take a day off work if you have to. As far as i am aware 50/50 means the neither parent pays maintenace as they are paying for them for the time they have them. Maybe other mn women can give more advise there.

You need copies of as much paperwork you can lay your hands on and a diary of all the time you have done the holidays, taken them to clubs etc. A diary of the few days he wasn't at work and if he actually looked after the kids without you there. Of course it counts if he was always working. He can't claim equally shared care if he was always at work.

It sounds to me like the 50/50 is a financial angle for him, rather than a desire to spend time with his kids.

Don't let him bamboozle you into anything. I think the next thing he will come out with is he will allow you (like he gets the ultimate say in it ffs!) full custody if you accept less maintenace than you are entirely to.

Shl and stop listening to his shite!

The only thing you can do now is to see a solicitor and I'd only communicate with him through the solicitor. I would refuse 50/50. But you might have to accept it. And don't be bribed over more maintenance and less time with your DC's. I'd be suspecting the shared care request was to enable him to pay less maintenance. On another thread I said you can't trust anyone. How true.

Advice not advise. And I'm an English teacher! Lol. Just very angry on your behalf!

He's obviously been planning this and is trying to bamboozle you while you are in shock. Tell him you will not discuss anything or agree nothing til shl! But get paperwork copies before telling him about shl!!. He obviously thinks he can get what he wants while you are weak and vulnerable. Allow him to think you are, while you get your ducks in a row and then shock the shit outa him!

You must be reeling already, but ... men tend to leave for someone else. It's worth preparing yourself for the possibility of him having another woman.

If he barely does any parenting now he is hardly likely to be able to do 50/50 when you split. Ask him how he's going to manage this. Is he going to downsize in his business? Take on extra staff?

Pound to a pinch of salt, even if he did do 50/50, he wouldn't last long.

Copy all docs/paperwork nd get yourself a lawyer.

Has he said why he wants a divorce?

No FanJoe - that's what I was thinking. Men usually need someone to look after them...

To be fair the relationship has been
Going downhill but I thought we were keeping on on for the kids. We had a row yesterday and we both got to the end of our tether. His leaving is sad, loosing my kids 50% of the time is fucking torture.

50/50 is most definitely a way to not have to pay any maintenance. My ex never paid a penny initially as he tried to hide his income by paying himself a dividend. If I recall correctly, the CSA at the time didn't take into account the dividend, only the actual salary part and eventually they said he had to pay the minimum of £5 per week (!!) ..... you really need a fantastic solicitor and money to get by in the meantime IF he doesn't provide for you and the children. So sorry you find yourself in this position x

Yes I've been awarded £9.30pw because STBXH pays himself minimum wage. They've passed it to the financial investigation team. He still hasn't paid the pittance. Twat.

He pays himself minimum wage, always has, but takes a huge dividend. Does this count?

Does anyone know if the csa take into account divided payments? That’s the bulk of his income.
He’s cold today, it’s so hard living in the same household.

You need a shl lawyer asap. Usually first half hour free. Until you get expert advise you are goinf to panic needlessly.
Step 1 make a shl appointment
Step 2 copy paperwork
Step 3 diary of childcare
Step 4 go see shl.