Practical advice needed, getting divorced, he owns his own business.

[Iceland22]

I’m heartbroken but he has made up his mind so I need to be practical.

Married 10 years. He started his business about five years ago.
The building that he operates his business from is owned by him (pension fund) and rented back to the business.
He earns about 3.5k per month which 3k is dividend, £500 salary.
I don’t know where to start.

We have two girls, in the past five years I’ve only worked full time for 18 months after having one child after another (maternity leave and redundancy). Girls are 6 and 4. I can’t face the thought of 50/50 access, I want them with me.

He decided tonight. He’s not going to change his mind. I need to be practical. What do I do now?

If he’s running a business and working evenings/school holidays/weekends then exactly how is 50% care going to work? Ask him that. Yes, the more days/eves he has the less maintenance he has to pay you. I don’t understand why some men are happy to pay a childminder to fetch the kids from school rather than pay their ex wife though. Just feels like weird punishment to me. Start calling your local family solicitors and book to go see one right now.

I’ve not ate since Saturday. My heart is breaking.
I’ve googled solicitors but how do I find the right one?
He’s being so cold.
Please someone tell me how to get through the next few days weeks months.

He has no plans to move out. How long can we live under one roof?

He's trying to get off with paying nothing. Do NOT move out. At all. No matter how hard it gets. See a solicitor now. The self-employment, the insistence on 50/50, it's to avoid maintenance. He wants the house, too.

Marking place. OP I have to go out right now but have lots of advice about handling this emotionally.

Thinking about you OP. Be strong and rely on professionals to guide you.

It’s taken all I have in me to do the school run. I’m sat here sobbing. I still love him.
Christmas without my kids hurts too much to think about.
It’s going to cost a fortune to get a settlement. I’ve given everything. I feel like my life is over.

Sorry to say this but you will feel shite for a while yet.
You will physically feel your heart breaking.
The pain is totally indescribable.
You won't stop crying for hours at a time.
It's tough, it's awful and it's soul destroying.
But..... there are loads of us on here who have been right where you are.
Everything right now is raw and the life you knew is over.
You've no idea what the future holds.
You will have to go through a whole grieving process and it's an absolute nightmare.
But we can all tell you... You do come out the other side.
Things do improve.
Your life is FAR from over.
There's a new, exciting one, just around the corner.

For now think practically. If he earns a lot more than you, even with 50:50 he may have to pay you so get yourself a lawyer.
Try a few in your area. If any offer a free half hour, use it.
The more you see the less he can see.
Once you've visited a few then see which one you think will work with you best.
Make your decision based on this.

Get real support around you. THIS IS THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO DO TODAY.
Tell people and get some support.
We can advise and be here for a hand hold but it's family and friends who will get you through this horrible time!

If you are struggling to eat (we all do) then just get some sugary tea or coffee down you.
Keep hydrated and your sugar levels up.
Sugary tea and ice-lollies got me through the 1st few weeks.
I couldn't do solid food. Just couldn't stomach it and would throw it back up.
Non lumpy soup may be OK as well.

it's a truly horrible time.

Hi again OP. I understand where you are too. It's shit and it hurts like hell. As Hellsbells says, although you say you feel like life is over, it really isn't. There will be a new life after this. But for now, there are some things you can do to get through this bit.

Get your support network strong. Do you have close friends who you trust? Choose them wisely - not those people who like a gossip, or will just tell you what they think you want to hear, but people who will really rally round and help you physically and emotionally. Do you have family support nearby? Ask for help where you need it.

You said you're struggling to eat - try to take something in, little and often. Your body needs the fuel to keep going. Keep drinking water. I ate most of my meals with my children when my ex left suddenly. Eating a child portion is better than eating nothing. If you find food makes you feel ill, try soup or broth, or porridge, or something that's easier to digest and doesn't need to be chewed.

Take each day in chunks. 10 minutes, an hour, a morning, an afternoon. Do you have times that are most difficult? Perhaps try to make them easier by talking to someone, or going for a walk, or something that you find more relaxing - a hot bath?

I remember the days were like being on a roller coaster. Please know that your feelings are all normal, and OK. Do you keep a journal? Writing about how you feel may help you to acknowledge and feel your emotions without them exploding. Journaling is a safe way to get those emotions out. If you keep them all inside, it's much harder to heal.

Be kind to yourself. This is a really shit time, and I can really hear your pain. What would your best friend say to you now? Self-care and compassion for yourself will be so important now. Talk to yourself with love, and ask how you can best support yourself right now. You sound like a lovely person, so be lovely to yourself. Maybe do an act of kindness for yourself every day - whatever makes you feel calmer and safer, do it. Buy yourself flowers, or walk in the sunshine, or lie in a bubble bath. You are worth it.

Are there areas where you can be in control of your environment? Do you have a safe place in the house where you can go, where you can feel that you are safe?

Sending love to you.

I had the CSA come after me when running a business, ex-was being nasty despite me paying well for my 2 kids, in the end, I just put the business into administration. I would try and get a reasonable settlement without resorting to CSA the tend to wind us guys up.

I am not trying to scare you or make you feel worse and you will be fine.

But you might want to focus on making yourself more financially secure by getting a job/better/more hours.

If a man doesn't want to pay they will get away with it - like the poster above says he put himself into administration rather than pay up and lots of men do similar (earn £3K say they earn £500 etc). The CSA or court won't do anything.

50/50 might end up suiting you better if he doesn't pay as you can do more work himself - also don't let him know that would bother you. He is probably only saying it to upset and destabilize you, he'd probably die if he had to do it!!

Good luck you will honestly be fine you won't always feel like this, get your power back.

I mean do more work yourself

Financially -

Get hold of accounts and information - as much as you can. You need to be informed so that you know what the situation is.

Get a lawyer instructed, esp as he runs a business. Ask for recommendations from others and research on Google lots. Many will offer a free half hour. Meet a few and ask them lots of questions. Has the business been valued recently? Are you a director or shareholder? Have you worked in the business?

Do you have a good handle on your finances? If not, get one. Are there things you can cut/reduce/save on? Find out exactly what you spend and on what so that you're informed. Even if he future looks very tight, It's better to know than to live with the fear of what is totally unknown.

It's early days but have a think about your employment. What could you do? What would you like to do?

Children - I understand your feelings but remember he's their dad and they love him. When my kids first used to go to their dad's I hated it, but I told myself he's their dad. They are half him, half me, and neither of us owns them. Research really does show that a good relationship with both parents is always best for children. Barring abuse etc of course.

There is probably too much for you to take in right now when emotions are running so high. Please take care of you.....

I already work full time but flexibly so can’t do more hours. Our eldest has non diagnosed adhd (school have sent for a referral but it’s obvious).
I’ve done a spreadsheet of the childcare and holidays since the eldest was born and I’ve done almost all the holiday care (with grandma) unless we’ve been away together.
I wish I’d kept a log of the weekends he has worked too but I only have his weekday overnights in my diary to plan childcare.
I was crying this morning and tried to put my arms around him and he shoved me away. I suppose I know what I’m dealing with now. I’ve asked two friends who work in the legal sector for recommendations for solicitors.
We rent one house house and have the one we live in too, both have a mortgage. But, there’s a decent amount of equity.
His business has potential to earn so much in the future and it pains me that I’ve made so many sacrifices when he’s worked long hours and been away and he’s going to reap all future rewards. It’s like I put my life on hold. I gave up a £50k job to be at home with the kids more.

Your financial contribution to the success of his business can be taken into account in your settlement. Get a really good lawyer who has a good reputation acting in divorces where there is a business to be taken into account. There may be ways to ensure you can benefit if there is a big growth in his business income.

It sounds as though you are likely to both have a decent home at the end?

How are you in yourself?

Thank you for replying. Honestly, I feel like dying.

I hear you OP.

What are you able to do to support yourself right now? Do you have local friends or family who can help and support you?

Please make sure you get a good solicitor - start another thread on here asking for recommendations in your area.

I have been where you are - it is hell - has there been any other indication that your marriage was in trouble - I hate to say this but could there be someone else - my x own business too just like you - ended up having an affair with someone he employed and is still with.

The 50/50 as others have said is to throw you off balance - the more emotional you are over this - and completely understandable - he has an advantage over you. If he is going to be nasty he will use the kids to destabilise you at every point .

How long has the business been through the pension? Your case will be complicated as mine was - get RL support tell family and friends - my situation all documented under my name on here

Take it little by little step by step - if you can get some time off work - hugs x

Business has been up and running 5 years but the building he operates from was purchased last year - his pension rents it back to the company.
We were in a bad place 18 months ago and I begged him to stay but it’s not been great. So although I’m shocked it’s not a total surprise.
I’ve told my sister and two people I know and trust are giving me solicitor recommendations tonight.
He’s not the man I married.

Do you have a joint account? Is it where your wages ar paid iubto? If so take a record of how much is in it and either keep an eye on it or move half to an account in your name and arrange for your salary to be changed to your account.

Get records of his monthly earnings both salary and any dividends, get copies of annual financial reports to show how much the business is earning.

His business accounts are online, so I can see them.
We both have separate accounts but pay a % into the joint account. He has 10k savings and we have joint savings too.
From everything I’ve read I’ll go for full financial disclosure which will cost more but at least I know he’s not hiding anything.

Take photos of what you see now. He still can change things and not provide details.

If you can access his business accounts then download as many statements as you can so you can show trend and frequency of income, outgoings, balance.....

Will this not show up in the financial disclosure?

Not if he moves things about between now and then.