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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Angry at life Boyf

62 replies

entryno2 · 14/01/2018 00:09

Help I don't know what to do...

Been with my boyf 3.5 yrs
Just moved in with his mum to save some money for a house
All is going well except he's very moody, grumpy at angry at life at the mo

He's down because he's been made redundant last year and has taken a job he hates until he finds a perm one
It's early starts and he doesn't get enough sleep

Tonight we've gone out
Our first weekend lay in together in weeks and it's ended in tears
all day he's been effing and jeffing calling things sluts and cunts ( we are cleaning out my flat so he's calling this to things in the flat )
We e gone out had a drink and in a nut shell he's just got bit silly
Was rude to the taxi driver, was being silly in the hotel lobby and when we got to the room he turned moody so pulled him up on it which ended in me leaving and driving home !

I'm sick of walking on egg shells because he's tired
He's not just tired he's rude

I've tried talking to him
We've even split over it but always back to square one

I love him but I'm sad and unhappy
All I want is to make it work

My mum says leave
But I feel so scared

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 14/01/2018 00:10

Leave

BigSandyBalls2015 · 14/01/2018 00:10

Listen to your mum, he sounds awful and will drag you down

Original poster
entryno2 · 14/01/2018 00:15

My 2 friends say that's a relationship it's give and take

My mum hates him ! But as he has a good side it's always outweighed the bad
His mum said it's because he's unhappy in his job but my mum said it's his personality

I'm just so confused

OP posts:
MelloDee · 14/01/2018 00:16

In the 3.5 yrs together, how long has this moody/disrespectful attitude been going on for?

If it's just recently after losing his former job I'd say he's become very depressed and could do with seeking professional help. If it's not normally the way he is, professional help could help turn him back around. A job loss can have a significant negative impact on a person's mental state and without proper help it can be difficult to climb out of.

If this is usually the way he is and has been throughout most of your relationship, then I'd agree with your DM

Original poster
entryno2 · 14/01/2018 00:22

Feel bad for admitting it's been since I've known him
We split up over his moods last year
I know it sounds minor but they really get me down
Anyway he begged and begged
I was really hurt as there was a lot more to it. But we have it another go. We talked and talked and been through so much that I feel bad wanting to walk away when I know he's going through an awful time
But I often think should a relationship really be like this.
When he's so angry at life it makes me feel like I'm not enough
I've told him this
In fact I've tried talking to him lots but he hates talking and when I get upset it irritates him

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 14/01/2018 00:30

Your mum is a wise woman. You said yourself that you're not happy - what's the point? Can you imagine another 5 or 10 years of him? How does that make you feel. Not good, I'll bet.

Thermowoman · 14/01/2018 00:33

A relationship should make you happy. He sounds like n arsehole. You deserve better.

BertieBotts · 14/01/2018 00:50

This is not normal give and take, he's being emotionally/verbally abusive.

It's not your fault he's going through a hard time and it's not fair for him to take it out on you.

You can do better. Don't waste your time on him. It sounds like he doesn't need to be in a relationship with anyone right now.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 14/01/2018 00:58

You say:

I'm sad and unhappy

he has a good side it's always outweighed the bad

when I get upset it irritates him

If your daughter said this to you what would you tell her to do?

It’s time to go. If he hasn’t improved in 3.5 years he’s not going to get better now.

And in the future, if any man refers to either a woman or an inanimate object as a “slut” take that as an indicator he’s not worth your time.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 14/01/2018 01:15

I'd say if he behaves like that around his mum there isn't much hope he'll change. This is the real him.

MyKingdomForBrie · 14/01/2018 01:26

Listen to your mother woman, she speaks sense!

BattleCuntGalactica · 14/01/2018 01:48

He sounds like a toddler throwing a tantrum to be honest. I'd listen to your mum. Him being nice other times doesn't make up for the fact that he seems to be a weapon's grade jizztoad with his moods. Relieve yourself of the extra weight, he's never going to change.

LadyB49 · 14/01/2018 02:00

In you original post you said.....everything's going well but.....
Doesn't sound to me like it's going well at all.
And he's always been like this !!

Forget it. It's not going to work.
Tomorrow could be the start of your new life.
What are you scared of?

GottadoitGottadoit · 14/01/2018 02:21

It does NOT sound minor!

Joysmum · 14/01/2018 03:37

As you’ve said, he’s always been like it at times since you’ve known him so your mum is right, it’s his personality.

If it wasn’t his job it’ll be something else in life.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/01/2018 09:11

"I love him but I'm sad and unhappy
All I want is to make it work"

Love should not make you either sad or unhappy. Read up on the "sunken costs fallacy" in relationships because that can cause people to keep on making poor relationship decisions. You cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in any relationship, those approaches do not work. You wanting to make it work is a fallacy.

This man has shown you the nice/nasty cycle of abuse throughout your relationship and that cycle is a continuous one. This is who he is, its not your fault he is the ways he is and your mother is correct. This individual simply wants to drag you down with him. Such men hate women, all of them.

What are you so scared of, being alone?. If you can address your fears then you can be helped in facing them.

The worst thing in life is not to be alone but to end up with someone who makes you feel alone. Ultimately you need to move out asap and end this dysfunctional perhaps codependent relationship with this individual permanently and not have him back.

Womens Aid are worth talking to and I would also suggest you enrol on their Freedom Programme as men like this can and do take an awful long time to recover from.

Saz1995 · 14/01/2018 09:13

Tell him to do one.

EveningShadows · 14/01/2018 09:16

I’ve been through some hideously stressful times with my dh and he’s never once behaved like this.

Your partner is a grade A arsehole - he’ll never change and you need to leave, ASAP.

You are worth so much more.

piinkbubbles · 14/01/2018 09:19

Please leave this man. I was in the a similar situation with my ex, it doesn't get better it gets worse. He was depressed because he lost his, depressed because he hated his job, depressed because we didn't have lots of money... there was always something and he would never seek help for his supposed depression. It was just an excuse, everything was always someone else's fault.

It took me leaving him to realise he was an abusive bully. Please end it, you're mum is right.

AdalindSchade · 14/01/2018 09:22

He is who he is. You're trying to force a relationship with him that can never be possible because his personality will not allow it.

I expect your friends are trying to be diplomatic and not get too far involved whereas your mum is far more clear about it. Why are you putting his behaviour down to stress or his job when he has literally always been like that?

Wake up and open your eyes please! You're wasting your life on this one.

AliasGrape · 14/01/2018 09:24

Yes, relationships are give and take. What has he given lately.

My best friend had an ex like this, she excused it and put it down to stress/work etc for so long meanwhile she became a wreck, walking on eggshells. Thing she eventually realised is that she also had terrible stresses going on (had suffered an assault at work, it was handled very badly, she developed ptsd) but still managed not to be horrible to the people she cared about.

I’ve managed to cope with losing my mum, financial problems, house moves, horrible jobs etc etc without behaving in an aggressive and intimidating way to my partner or making him sad and scared. Yes sometimes I’m ratty and grumpy, as are we all, but I don’t behave like your boyfriend does and I’m willing to bet you don’t either. Work problems are not an excuse to treat your partner like shit. It sounds like he has bigger issues, they are his issues and not yours, you can’t fix them and you can’t make things work on your own.

Walk away now. If he really doesn’t want to lose you he’ll seek help for his anger issues and work on resolving them, then when he is in a better place you can think about whether you would be interested in resuming things. I very much doubt he’ll do this though, as I’m sure he’ll see everything as everyone else’s fault and have no awareness of his own behaviour.

OnTheRise · 14/01/2018 09:29

He's been moody all through your relationship.

His moods will only get worse the longer you're together.

He's going ot make you very unhappy if you stay with him.

FannyFifer · 14/01/2018 09:32

Walk away now & count yourself lucky you are not tied to a mortgage or have any kids with this abusive twat.

AliasGrape · 14/01/2018 09:35

And just to say, I do have some idea where your coming from. My DP suffers from anxiety, but rather than admit/ accept he was anxious he used to lash out get really angry and riled up over small things and become quite sweary - not at me but in general. Having grown up with a violent abusive dad, the merest hint of anger/aggression triggers panic in me and so I couldn’t cope with that. I told DP that, and that if he couldn’t stop it and work on better ways to deal with emotions than stomping about swearing then it was over. He’s not done it since - he actually went to the GP and sought help and, whilst there’s no easy fix, is doing much better and though he’s still capable of muttering obscenities at the butter because it won’t spread or something equally ridiculous, he realises he’s being daft now and laughs at himself.

LemonShark · 14/01/2018 09:36

When you drove home after being out drinking how many drinks had you had OP?

Agree with others. This isn't salvageable. Nor should you waste precious time trying.

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