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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner and kids keep arguing

69 replies

Essex123 · 13/01/2018 22:09

I have two girls aged 20 and 15 and have been with my new partner for 6 years. Over the years we have had issues as he can be quite a control freak and is quite paranoid often sparking arguments over nothing.
Myself and partner had a baby four months ago whom my girls adore.
Tonight as we ate dinner baby was screaming, and once my daughter finished her meal she asked my partner if he wanted her to take the baby so he could eat his dinner, with that he swore at us all and starting acting like we were suggesting he couldn't settle the baby and we all could, again totally paranoid. My daughter confronted him about being rude and he swore again at us saying f... us all. They want him to leave and I do feel we have run our course but although it is my flat he refuses to leave because of the baby, he states he's not leaving without his son!!!!. I am fed up of all of this but he seems to think he has a right to be here when he doesn't officially live here, just comes regularly since baby has been born.
He is a real mummy's boy who thinks he does no wrong, and always blames everything else for his behaviour, think this is why he is like he is, but I cannot continue with his childish ways making our home have a horrible atmosphere, he has a key to my house which he has refused to give back before, and he always tries to be nice when I ask for key back, anyone else been in similar situation?
Also he can row with me, but has no right to bring my kids into it and be nasty to them in their own home.

OP posts:
dizzy174 · 13/01/2018 22:11

i would change the locks while he is out

DearMrDilkington · 13/01/2018 22:14

Has he always spoken to your daughters like that?

YellowMakesMeSmile · 13/01/2018 22:15

Why on earth would you have tied yourself to him with a baby knowing how he treated you and your other children?

Change the locks, set up contact and show your daughters that's not what they should expect as the norm in a relationship.

Original poster
Essex123 · 13/01/2018 22:16

Normally just me he says horrible things too, but lately he has said horrible things to them, I just ignore what he says to me but the girls won't which is totally understandable

OP posts:
peanut2017 · 13/01/2018 22:19

Not a good environment for any of you to be in. Think you need to get a plan together to protect you and your children. He sounds awful and you must be living on eggshells. Especially hard for you after having a baby recently

Lifeisabeach09 · 13/01/2018 22:22

Property is in your name. Call the police and get them to remove in. He is verbally and emotionally abusive. Then change the locks.

Lifeisabeach09 · 13/01/2018 22:23

*remove him

Wherearemymarbles · 13/01/2018 22:35

Sounds like an awfully long 6 years to me.

Anyway change the locks and kick him out

Springiscoming123 · 13/01/2018 22:36

you have been with him 6yrs and he stays over

which means he is happy for you to claim as many benefits as a "single" parent why he dosent have to support his partner and child

this should of told you everything and you've had a baby with him

get rid its only going to get worse,lukily your daughters sound great and will support you with him gone

LovingLola · 13/01/2018 22:38

Why on earth did you have a baby with this ghastly man? Now you are stuck with him for the next 18 years. I feel so sorry for your children.

Barmymammy · 13/01/2018 22:38

You need to get out of this damaging relationship ASAP. I’m so sorry you and your girls are going through this. Women’s Aid will be able to advise you, as this is domestic abuse. 💐

Floralnomad · 13/01/2018 22:42

Change the locks when he is out , why you had a baby with him is beyond me .

HadronCollider · 13/01/2018 22:53

Why all the 'Why did you have baby together' comments. She can hardly change it. What's important is supporting a woman in an emotionally abusive relationship to get rid. All the 'but how could you posts' are a little besides the point.

OP as has been said a phonecall to the police is what's needed with changed locks. Then I suggest womens aid and the Freedom Program as you sound like your self-esteem has taken a bit of a battering as you have put up with his abusive behaviour and could only see it in relation to your girls, but have hitherto been accepting of it towards yourself. If you cant police straight away, Ring WA at the earliest opportunity.

Barmymammy · 13/01/2018 22:53

Can posters please stop flaming the OP, she needs our help not criticism.

SandyY2K · 13/01/2018 22:56

Get rid.... he either leaves voluntarily or you call the police to remove him ... his choice.

Have some support when you tell him this.

I don't understand why you stayed with a man like this for 6 years....much less had a child with him.

HadronCollider · 13/01/2018 23:06

I don't understand why you stayed with a man like this for 6 years....much less had a child with him

Because women who are in abusive relatiobships are usually suffering from severely low self-esteem which affects their judgement and how they perceive the relationship and how they define love.

So it's great that when they finally gather the strength to get rid of their abusers and the abuser refuses to leave and is threatening, they can discreetly seek help from other women anonymously on the phone etc without judgements over things they can do nothing about.

Well thats how its supposed to be in theoryHmm.

butterfly56 · 13/01/2018 23:07

Why are you allowing this abusive man into your home?
The only way to get him out is to change the locks and do not let him back.
If he wants to see his son then he can make arrangements through the courts.

Longdistance · 13/01/2018 23:14

He sounds like a complete loser. Your dd offered to settle your baby, and he swore and got arsey. What a cunt?! No need for him to be like that, and quite frankly if it’s your flat, he can fuck off.

As for taking his ds, no chance.

SandyY2K · 13/01/2018 23:21

@HadronCollider

It's an open forum. You have your views...I have mine.
Women need to make wise choices... not bring a child into such a terrible relationship. Judge away won't you.

Original poster
Essex123 · 13/01/2018 23:43

Yeah thanks for all of the why did I stay with him, makes me feel great, plus I work full time so don't presume that I'm on benefits because I pay my way in this world and do not claim benefits.
Thanks for all of the supportive comments I really do appreciate it

OP posts:
StaplesCorner · 13/01/2018 23:45

Although this is awful you are surely in a much better situation than many women whose name is not on the rent book or mortgage - you can simply change the locks. When you say he won't "go" do you mean he wont stop coming round? You must not tell him your intentions but just get a locksmith in then let him know he needs to make formal arrangements for seeing his son. That's only the first step of course, but its a really good one that is open to you first thing on Monday.

Springiscoming123 · 13/01/2018 23:48

that was me regarding benefits and i apologise,but if you have been together 6yrs why dosent he live with you,does he work?help with the extra cost of your babe?

you have enough on with a newborn you dont need him acting like this but you really do need to make some big changes

HadronCollider · 13/01/2018 23:49

Of course women should make wise choices (as if everyone does all the time). My point is not all women are in a healthy enough state to always make wise choices obvious as they may seem.

I dont think its 'wise' to castigate a woman over past choices she can do nothing about and who may (potentially) still have an abuser in her house she cannot get rid off when she's mustered up the courage to ask for ask for help, when it may (potentially) cause her to lose what small confidence she have.

HadronCollider · 13/01/2018 23:49

has.

Original poster
Essex123 · 13/01/2018 23:49

Talk about kick someone when their down, wish I'd never posted, all I know that my response to someone would of been to offer support and kindness, not basically make me feel worse about myself than I already do.
Hope you never make mistakes in life and get treated like this, as not what I expected at all from this site, but thank you again for those who have not judged me.

OP posts:
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