My partner keeps leaving me as I'm too soft and he hates seeing me being disrespected by my children

[love21]

Hi, I am new on here. Been crying for two days. My wonderful handsome bf has left me for the 4th time and told me that he has tried and tried but cannot bare to see my children talk to me like a piece of crap and he said I disrespect him by not letting us both address it. I am so soft and try to keep peace in the house and make everyone happy but it seems a hard task at times.
Sometimes we all get on famously and then an argument will happen and he will clear off in a mood or pack his few bits he keeps at mine, it makes me feel unsettled and sad as I want to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him. My children are 16 and 19 and my daughter has serious anxiety issues which are being treated - I think that's why I am soft on her as she can have extreme emotional outbursts etc. He says he loves me but now he has dumped me again. It is literally killing me not seeing him. He is my teddy bear.
I love my children more than anything in the whole world and I treat them well and I have told them how much I love them.
I just want a little bit for me. He is the one for me and I love him to the moon and back.
How can I get him back in my life.

You sound codependent and he sounds jealous of the attention you give your children.

Don't waste your time with this man.

He's an unsupportive prick.

Why do you want him back? You can do loads better. Plenty of nice single men out there.

He doesn't seem very wonderful if he just walks out on you all the time

Focus on your girls and don't chase after him

He's not the one for you.
He doesn't blend with your family.

Focus on your children for now. You'll find someone that will recognise you come as a package, and has a similar parenting style to you.

My wonderful handsome bf. He is my teddy bear. He is the one for me and I love him to the moon and back.

Are you sure it is the children that are 16 and 19?

It seems like you need to do three things. Firstly stop letting your kids treat you like crap ( if this is indeed what they do). Put in place rules and boundaries and follow through. They won't love you any less and may respect you more. Secondly find yourself again. Get some me time and rediscover hobbies and friends. Then if you feel inclined you can find a man who will stick by you, and not one who walks off at the first sign of trouble. Good luck.

What did you get out of this relationship with this man who put you in a peacekeeping role?.

I would also read up on co-dependency. You seem to be confusing love with this and he is certainly jealous of your children. He is certainly not your teddy bear, more like a grizzly bear manchild. If he did truly love you, he would not have treated you like you have been at his hands.

I would also consider what you have learnt about relationships to date and unlearn all the crap through counselling. The Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid could be of help to you as well.

Well is he right? Do your children treat you like crap? It must be frustrating for him to see this happening and not be able to do anything.

Having said that, it’s not exactly loving behaviour to leave the woman he supposedly loves continually. It’s like an emotional torture.

Personally I would sit down with him, come up with a proposed strategy with the kids where you are both on the same page and allow him more of a say in the discipline because if you’re going to get married he’ll be their stepdad. As long as he’s not proposing on beating them of course. And make sure he understands your DDs condition.

Good luck.

Thank you for your replies, I feel stronger just reading them as I did question how he could keep hurting me by disappearing every few weeks if he truly loved me. I'm going out for a few drinks with a gf later to talk and then maybe book a weekend away with family as I feel so lost lonely and down. Love hurts.

Talking to such men though can be a wasted effort, its their way or the highway as far as they are concerned. Also he has walked out on them more than once before now. These kids as well need stability and he by leaving repeatedly has not helped in that respect either.

This happened to my friend very recently, he was very critical of her 4 year olds behaviour, old her there was something clearly wrong with him. She recognised there was an issue but it was her who was the issue as she didn’t discipline him enough (where appropriate) and she accepts this. She told her DP that if he couldn’t handle parenting, then don’t come back. She told him if he wanted to come back, he had one chance, and he was never to be critical of her DS again and if and when he was he would be out of the door. He did go back and things have been much better.

I don’t think there’s necessarily anything wrong with him standing his ground. I have known friendships breakdown because of the behaviour of children (grown adult children) and friends not wanting to stand back and witness the destruction that children can cause with their behaviour. There’s only so much you can do before you have to walk away because being around it isn’t nice.

I don’t think he should keep coming and going but maybe you need to sit down and have a conversation with him about what your expectations are and the boundaries with your children and what his expectations are.

We don’t know your children’s behaviour so he may be being reasonable just not executing it that well!

Sounds to me like he just goes off and has a bit of the single life every few weeks and then blames it all on you.

If you want to continue the relationship with him, then he shouldn’t be at your house. Your relationship with him should be separated from your children. Then you can focus on them on a day to day basis.

You can see him on a dating basis and he can live at his own place. And of course make his own meals, clean his own kitchen floor etc. This will give you extra time and energy to give him your full attention. Which it sound like he wants.

I have read about codependency and I think to some extent I am, I've been a bit weak lately too as life has thrown a few curve balls at me.
I was so happy and in love and thought love moved mountains, I didn't expect this back and forth relationship. I wanted a rock who stayed with me through thick and thin. Really scared to be mid fifty single and lonely and hurting. I'm going for a few drinks later to relax as I can't eat.

My children sometimes swear at me and as much as I tell them not to they still do, its not all the time, usually when they are moody teenagers or my daughter is stressed. I have asked them to stop or I'm not taking them on a holiday this year as I do want a little respect and appreciation, but despite this I was hoping to have him by my side and supporting me and he has gone without any talking.

The worst thing in life however, is not to be alone but to end up with someone who makes you feel alone. There's a difference. Also better to be "alone" than to be badly accompanied as you yourself have been. He was and is clearly not the man you thought he was, you perhaps overinvested in him as well.

And do read up on codependency a lot further particularly as you do think you are codependent. That all needs to be unlearnt as well.

I was so happy and in love and thought love moved mountains

OP you sound lovely but something of a hopeless romantic .

I think you need to sort out your DDs first. Why don’t you give us examples of your DDs behaviour and how you deal with it? Do they swear around you or at you?

You say that love hurts. It shouldn't. If love hurts in Your relationship then it is not really love sorry op X

@love21

Go google a self help book on how to parent teens. Maybe once you're in control of your home/family, it might give you more confidence and the ability to assert your authority. You'd feel so much better about your self because I don't know whether it's just me but I sense how defeated your posts are?

I have been called all the usual swear word names and told to f- off when I get firm. I have said it hurts me to be spoken to like this. It stops and then starts again. They respect me sometimes but not enough. I am still trying but they are at an age where they don't listen as much. They seemed to see my weakness each-time he dumped me and they would notice I was upset or quiet.

With the reply love should not hurt - I dunno.....I feel pretty crap and I miss his cuddles most of all.

He left you four times?! Did you beg him to come back or did he decide "to give you another chance" because personally neither of those situations would work for me.
Get more assertive with your dds, a calm "I don't appreciate being spoken to that way" is a start.
And as for being single in your 50s-well there's worse things, like being arsed around by some sulky man. Fuck that shit.

You do sound a little unrealistic. Your phrasing is all mills and boons teenage girl, so I'm surprised you're mid fifties and wrtiing that stuff, and I'm assuming your partner is the same age range, if not older.

The headline issue here may well be the kids, but there is clearly deeper issues in the relationship, otherwise he wouldn't keep ending it.

Do you feel able to take adult conversations with him? To sit down and talk like adults to resolve issues? Do you converse in real life without all the young teenage girl stuff?

As said, the kids might be his excuse, but something more is going on in terms of the relationship. I would cut all the girly heart and flower crap and start to talk like adults.

You let him leave and then come back four times?

I think he's right, you are too soft and illustrating his point. The FIRST time he left should have been the last time. You kept taking him back? Why? If he wants out, let him go. The kids (although they aren't kids are they, they are young adults) come first.

But you're only feeling hurt because he doesn't love you. He's not there with the cuddles because it's not love.

Love doesn't hurt.
Nor does love 'move mountains'.

And frankly - a man is not a teddy bear You want cuddles - get a bloody dog!

Have you ever heard the phrase 'love is a verb'? Or 'love is an action'?

Love is not something from a scruffy teddy card from Clintons. Love is actively supporting your partner, caring for them, compromising for them - a loving partner helps them to move their own mountains, a loving partner helps them find other ways round a mountain that can't be moved, a loving partner helps them when they simply can't do anything but stare at the mountain.

"Love" is nothing. What matters is how people behave. It's an utter bullshit phrase and if in your 50s you're still hanging on to phrases like that, a bit of therapy might help. Otherwise you'll take this idiot back for a 5th time because "I love him"

Please reassess your relationship with him first as it seems he leaves, comes back, leaves each time causing huge upset to your household. This is deeply disrespectful and needs addressing so you can support your daughter with her anxiety and look at whether appropriate boundaries are in place with the kids.

I would spend no more than 1 day assessing your relationship with this man, it either works of is doesn't but someone into and out of your life suggests it's not working and he isn't wanting to make any effort to resolve things (he talks with his feet!) So your can prioritise those more important. Good luck