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Original poster

My partner keeps leaving me as I'm too soft and he hates seeing me being disrespected by my children

56 replies

love21 · 13/01/2018 08:15

Hi, I am new on here. Been crying for two days. My wonderful handsome bf has left me for the 4th time and told me that he has tried and tried but cannot bare to see my children talk to me like a piece of crap and he said I disrespect him by not letting us both address it. I am so soft and try to keep peace in the house and make everyone happy but it seems a hard task at times.
Sometimes we all get on famously and then an argument will happen and he will clear off in a mood or pack his few bits he keeps at mine, it makes me feel unsettled and sad as I want to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him. My children are 16 and 19 and my daughter has serious anxiety issues which are being treated - I think that's why I am soft on her as she can have extreme emotional outbursts etc. He says he loves me but now he has dumped me again. It is literally killing me not seeing him. He is my teddy bear.
I love my children more than anything in the whole world and I treat them well and I have told them how much I love them.
I just want a little bit for me. He is the one for me and I love him to the moon and back.
How can I get him back in my life.

OP posts:
0ccamsRazor · 13/01/2018 09:11

Why be with someone whom appears to be younger than your dc? Having a tantrum and being manipulative by pissing off when he feels like it.

He is not the grown up you want him to be.

He is not the man you want him to be.

Get some self respect Op.

Flowers
Ellisandra · 13/01/2018 09:13

Oh - and don't expect your girls to take you seriously asking for respect when you're allowing this man to disrespect you. You're the one showing them what you think you're worth.

Are you actually going to follow through about cancelling the holiday? What's your line in the sand? How many times do they have to swear at you to lose the holiday?

Wallofglass · 13/01/2018 09:15

Sorry but he doesn't sound wonderful and he is not your teddy bear.

Original poster
love21 · 13/01/2018 09:15

Thank you for your messages - I am mills and boon - I have read the collection twice. Thank you for your message Ellisandra it made sense, love and mountains. Going to toughen myself up today. Jobs and children and cooking today and then going for a few wines with a gf to cheer myself up and if he is in my local I shall just say Hi and move forward as hard as it's going to be. Being on here has given me a boost, thank you all. I will let you know how I get on soon. Early days and I can't promise anything but I am through with begging and pleading with him x

OP posts:
Cambionome · 13/01/2018 09:32

Good post Ellisandra.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/01/2018 09:58

Good post Ellisandra

Toughening yourself up can be a long and arduous process and I think you may need some counselling in order to help in this. I would also consider what you have learnt about relationships and unlearn all the crap that you have learnt along the way. You need also to read up on codependency within relationships.

If he is in your local ignore him. Do not be the first to approach him and say hi.

WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo · 13/01/2018 10:00

I find it ironic that he accuses your DC of being disrespectful when he's giving them a pretty ripe lesson in it every time he walks out and ghosts you for weeks on end.

He won't acknowledge your daughter's anxiety and instead sees it as a behavioural problem that needs disciplining - for that reason alone I'd be running for the hills. The instability of your relationship with him can't be helping her either.

C0untDucku1a · 13/01/2018 10:03

He is not the man for you. He is selfish and punishing you to try to change they way you treat your children.

Love does not hurt. Being in a relationship with a man who has no regard for your feelings hurts. And when you block and delete his number, go no contact for a month, youll realise that it wasnt even love you were feeling, because youll have distance and perspective. It was wanting to be loved.

dotdotdotmustdash · 13/01/2018 10:11

Please stop excusing your children's behaviour, they're not respecting you and it's not to do with their ages. I have a 21 and a 19yr old and they have never, ever sworn at me or called me names even in their most 'hormonal' times. I would struggle to spend time with a person who tolerated that from their children - the temptation to speak up would be too much!

Hermonie2016 · 13/01/2018 10:28

The quality of a relationship should be measured by how you get through the bad times.

He sulks, withdraws and punishes you when there is a dispute.

If it wasn't your children then he would find something else to sulk about.

Your children are not learning good lessons.
When he is upset he sulks, when they are upset they swear at you.The children are young and can learn healthy responses to negative emotions.
Your partner is really unlikely to learn better responses so this will be your life if you don't break free.

BhajiAllTheWay · 13/01/2018 14:38

OP don't " beg and plead" with him. You're giving him far too much power to swan off and return because he knows he can. This isn't right for you, don't let him dictate your worth. Dealing with volatile teens and difficult offspring can be hard,Ive been there. It sounds like he's making it worse. It's not a healthy dynamic. If he's gone, let him stay that way and focus on your family. You've 2 children you don't need a man-child as well.

Original poster
love21 · 14/01/2018 06:22

Just an update from me. I went out and had a few wines and came home and managed to get half of a sleep and had vivid dreams of him all night long and missed him so much my stomach was aching. He sent me a message saying he bailed out when I needed him most because he could not cope seeing me treated badly, then he texted saying he is going to get drunk and I replied that he could not really love me as he left me so often. he wants a handful of stuff he has at minefor work monday - I gotta put them in a bag and meet him to hand them over today and thats gonna hurt seeing him. He also texted to say - thanks for my freedom be wise! why text things like that.

OP posts:
Chaosofcalm · 14/01/2018 06:43

Why did you text stuff like that?

You need to destroy all the Mills and Boons books. At best they show unhealthy relationships and at worse they show abusive relationships.

You are too soft if you have taken back a man who has dumped you 3 times. You are obviously an adult women and like previous posters have said you need to respect yourself before others respect you. You need a decent parenting book or parenting course and you need to have better boundaries and self confidence before you enter into another relationship.

No one in this life is going to rescue you from yourself. You need to sort out these issues.

BattleCuntGalactica · 14/01/2018 06:43

To be honest it sounds like you do need to toughen up a bit, regardless of if he's in your life or not. If your kids ARE walking all over you, how hard do you think it is for him to watch them do that and you let them do it time and time again? Folks are busily saying he's a child and being unsupportive, but it sounds like he's been trying to deal with stuff and you just don't engage.

He's telling you he can't handle being around it, and him leaving is his decision to make. It seems like you need to meet him halfway at least.

Angelf1sh · 14/01/2018 06:44

Don’t meet him. Bag up the stuff and ask somebody else to hand it over. There’s nothing for you to gain by meeting him. He’s not going to stop being a prick overnight and you’ll just get upset if he doesn’t want to come back or let him if he does. You need to block and delete as he’s not right for you.

Anniegetyourgun · 14/01/2018 06:59

He's your (ex?) bf though, not their stepfather. He does not get to swan into the lives of two teenagers - one technically an adult - and order them around just because he is dating their mother. If they are walking all over you, do you really need a third person doing the same?

Isetan · 14/01/2018 07:57

How long were you with this guy? A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect and this is evident in your relationships with your children and with your bf. Funny how your bf can’t bear to see your children disrespecting you but has no problem with his own behaviour towards you. At best he’s a hypocrite and at worst, a manipulative dick. i suspect he’s calibrated your tolerance for abuse by observing your relationship dynamic with your children and this has no doubt informed his treatment of you. Everyone has a role to play in relationship dynamics, especially dysfunctional ones and your appears to be doormat.

What are the consequences for your children calling you names? Anxiety isn’t an excuse to abuse someone and you do your DD no favours by putting up with her abuse. Not everyone is as passive as you and in the real world most people won’t put up with her crap.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Your ‘love can conquer mountains’ rhetoric and non existent boundaries, makes a relationship with you an abusive dicks wet dream. So, forget the romantic fiction and Ex bf and focus on improving the dysfunctional relationship you have with your children.

Ellisandra · 14/01/2018 09:19

No.

Do not jump when he clicks his fingers and run to hand over his shit.
He knew damn well what he was doing when he left it there - he knows the fucking drill of dumping you, afterall.

If it's stuff he doesn't actually need - tell him no.
If it is work stuff (like tools, a laptop...) then if you live near his work, drop it off there today and text him after to say it's done.

Why have you "gotta" bag up his shit and meet him? No, your time is worth more than that.

If his work is too far for you, and he genuinely needs the stuff, tell him it's on your doorstep at 13:00. And don't answer the door.

Who the fuck does he think he is, dumping you for what - 4th or 5th? - time and expecting you to bring his crap to him?

Tell him to send an über driver.

Get some bloody self respect!

bastardkitty · 14/01/2018 09:24

It sounds like your kids and your exbf all treat you quite disrespectfully. His messages last night were about trying to reel you back in. I agree with PPs - bag his stuff and ask a friend to drop it round. Please don't keep playing his stupid game. He does not respect or love you. When you've got rid of him, start working on your relationship with your children and improving your boundaries. Basically your ex is pissed off because your children give you the runaround and he thinks that's his job.

BackInTheRoom · 14/01/2018 10:20

Boundary number 1.

Don't drop off exbf shit! Dump it outside for him to collect.

Boundary number 2.

Mouthy kids- Cut the wifi! Every time they tell you to F off, turn it off for an hour! That'll learn them.

dumbolickous · 14/01/2018 11:17

He's a control freak. And he's making you choose between him and your kids. Seriously? They are the normal ones!

girlwhowearsglasses · 14/01/2018 11:28

Don’t see him!

You don’t need another adolescent in your life.

Get some therapy for yourself because you will be a much happier adult woman and will be able to see adolescent behaviour more. Deal with the gong that are causing this relationship with your DCs - first off by looking after and caring for yourself; than by making sure the DCs are getting g help for themselves - daughter has anxiety - is she getting CBT or councelling or going to a group or on medication? Why not?

Sympathy and pity and love for someone close to you in difficulties does not mean giving in to them, it means helping them overcome the difficulty - and of course this is where your DP has failed because he has done the opposite and made you feel even less stable in the world. You certainly don’t need that!

girlwhowearsglasses · 14/01/2018 11:31

And please read some grown up adult fiction - you might enjoy it and it will widen your horizons!

Start with the Hamdmaids Tale,
Also the Yellow Wallpaper, read some historic fiction too like Jane Eyre or Northanger Abbey or North and South (off the top of my head)

Read Adrian Mole too - that’ll give you an interesting perspective

Original poster
love21 · 15/01/2018 05:44

Thank you for your messages, I met him for a beer and took his work clothes that he needed. It was ridiculously hard. Exchanged a hug and felt devastated as he is the love of my life. slept for an hour last night as my stomach and heart aching for him. I just wish we could try and give it the best shot ever. Im struggling to cope as I miss everything about him. Sorry

OP posts:
PeacefulBlessing · 15/01/2018 06:00

Good grief. You need to toughen up and grow up a bit. That is the most sugar coated nonsense I have ever read.

How on earth can you expect a man to treat you with respect when you neither respect yourself nor demand it from those closest to you.

No one believes in the Mills and Boon portrayal.of love. How can you have reached your 50s and not see that for yourself?

I'm sure you feel that your approach is the correct one, of course we all do, but it all sounds incredibly infuriating. I'm amazed he kept coming back.