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Relationships

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Original poster

New gfs male friend ..........

62 replies

Jordan23 · 13/01/2018 05:42

Hello All. Sorry first post so go easy. :)

Just wanted your thoughts on this. I have been seeing my current girlfriend for 8 months. There is one male "friend" in her life who she remains in contact with but I know had romantic feelings for her in the past (she told me). She put him in his place in that she wasn't interested in anything more than platonic friendship. They chat on Facebook / phone occasionally and she has caught up with him (and another male friend - they are both single) for drinks and dinner in the recent past. She doesn't hide it from me at all. Though at times I do feel like I hear about these catch ups after they have been arranged (not consulted at all) and my preference would be if she had daytime coffee or lunch catch ups with them now we are exclusively dating.

This morning I saw on her fridge a hand written note from him thanking her after she let him stay in her flat for a few nights (she stayed somewhere else) and he signed off with........love you......

So although she is honest about the background and context of these male friends I can't help but find some of the interactions a bit odd .......I don't think my gf would be too pleased if I let a platonic female friend stay at my flat (who she knew had romantic feelings for me) and then stick on the fridge a letter she had written to me saying thanks and signing it "love you" for her to see / read while making a morning coffee

What do you think? Anything to be concerned about here? I feel he may still harbour romantic feelings for her and she isn't setting clear enough boundaries around their interactions......I trust her........not sure about him though.........I know it takes two to tango etc.....but not sure tbh and not used to this when I am in a relationship

For context.....my last relationship which lasted ten years my partner was more girly girl and mostly had female friends. Current partner is engineer, used to studying and working in male dominated industry and has admitted she feels more comfortable with males as friends usually ...............

So new dynamic for me .......appreciate any thoughts ......I have no interest trying to control what she does but I would like that appropriate boundaries are set (i have explained this to her) with these types of "relationships" now that we are in an exclusive relationship together with plans for the future

OP posts:

Sidelook · 13/01/2018 05:51

She has said that she has no romantic feelings towards him. She has always been upfront to you about it. She’s with you and not him, focus on that.

SequinsOnEverything · 13/01/2018 06:02

Do you prefer her to see her female friends in the day time too or is she allowed to see them in the evening?

Why would she consult you? Telling you after is fine imo.

To her this is a friendship and nothing more. Friends often say they love each other. Maybe he wants more, but she's not interested so it doesn't matter.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/01/2018 06:14

my preference would be if she had daytime coffee or lunch catch ups with them now we are exclusively dating

Bless. You don't own her, you shouldn't control her. If you don't trust her; break up.

If DH had tried that nonsense on me he would have been dumped unceremoniously. And when I met him two of my closest friends were men, one of whom had harboured feelings previously.

RainyApril · 13/01/2018 06:37

I think you're getting a hard time op, because women who post similar scenarios in here get very different responses.

But you can't choose her friends and it seems that she prefers male company, and that she works in a male dominated environment, so it is something you will have to get used to or decide that you can't tolerate and end it.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you having a gut feeling about this one particular friendship. Women who post here are always told to trust their gut instincts.

FWIW I don't think your gf is romantically interested in this man, otherwise she would be with him wouldn't she? But if he is telling her he loves her after admitting to romantic interest in the past then he may still be harbouring hope so she isn't being particularly kind to him or respectful to you.

calmandbright · 13/01/2018 06:38

You have to swallow your insecurity on this one I'm afraid. If you start bandying about terms like 'consult' and attempting to putt in place bizarre restrictions on her friendships you're going to lose her. I can understand your insecurity, you're human, but practice letting it go. She's chosen to be with you, and has been honest about the friendship. If you get moments of insecurity, remind yourself that it is an issue with you, NOT an external problem to be solved by forcing her to alter her relationships with other people. You can only work on your own feelings. Remind yourself that your girlfriend has chosen to be with you, that she is an autonomous being capable of making her own judgements about people and relationships. Forcing her to alter her friendships and behaviour will be a slippery slope to more controlling behaviour from you. What about the next time she gets on with someone you don't like?etc. Acknowledge the insecure feeling to yourself when it pops up, but don't give those irrational feelings any power. She has chosen to be with you.

EasterRobin · 13/01/2018 06:43

If she's known him for years, she would be dating him (not you) if they were interested in each other. If nothing has happened in the past when they were both single, it's very unlikely to happen now while she's not. I think you need to relax about her long term friends.

Shoxfordian · 13/01/2018 08:04

I agree that you can't use these feelings as an attempt to control her or tell her what time of day she can meet her friend- do you think people only have affairs at night?!

Maybe suggest that you meet her friends at some point if you haven't already.

Please don't try to control your gf though.

teaandcakeat8 · 13/01/2018 09:57

You're being controlling.

I have two best friends that are male and have known them both for years. Once upon a time they had 'romantic' feelings for me but we've moved way past that. I think in most male/female friendships at some point one or the other has thought 'what if' but if nothing has happened so far it's not going to.

FWIW I have shared a bed with my male friends, we get dinner/drinks, hang out at each other's houses etc. I would tell them I love them because I love all my friends -
I don't love them as I would love a partner.

I've had boyfriends and they've never questioned it. I'm afraid it's your issue to get over.

riledandharrassed · 13/01/2018 10:01

The fact that you’re implying you want her to “consult” you about HER plans in HER life rings alarm bells to me .

I’d be dropping you like a hot stone .

I have countless male friends that I speak to on the phone / text whatever and go out for dinner with . My DP has met these people ( I intro’d him because they are important people in my life ).

My dp is going on holiday with one of my guy best friends and their guy group in March for a lads weekend ( we have been together 3 years though so quite established).

mintich · 13/01/2018 10:05

I feel that if this story was the other way round, the advice would be different. If my fiance was going out with two females all the time and not inviting me, I wouldn't like it either

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 13/01/2018 10:12

Agree with pretty much all of the above. You are being controlling. I tell my closest friends (some of them male omg!) that I love them, because I do. I don’t want to sleep with them.

How long has she been friends with this person? You know an 8 month relationship really isn’t that long and I think it’s a bit scary you’re trying to push her friends away.

FWIW my partner had to put up with a male friend who fancied me for years. Friend and I mostly had a good friendship and we had so much fun (yes, going out at night and drinking also omg). DP put up with friend’s occasional nonsense for years, me telling friend repeatedly nothing would ever happen. Eventually I got sick of it and told him him fuck off because it was disrespectful to both me and DP. I’m still sad about it though. Hopefully your gf’s friend will wise up in time, but I really think you have nothing to worry about with them. You should be more worried your gf will find you controlling and dump you.

duckdarlington · 13/01/2018 10:12

You may be right in saying that your gf would be unhappy if it had happened the other way round and if so it is wrong that she does the same to you.
Honestly a proper healthy relationship requires trust and that means trusting your partner to have friends of the opposite sex.
My Partner has never really had girlfriends, one or two maybe but the majority of her closest friends now and from before I met her are male, she is free to see these friends just as I am free to see my female friends.
If theres no trust in the relationship and you think shes disrespecting your feelings then just get out, you will never be happy with this amount of jealousy.

BackInTheRoom · 13/01/2018 10:12

I'm not getting any red flags on this one. The reason why is she's doesn't seem to be trying to hide anything. I think it's just a learning curve for you dating someone who has more male friends and is used to operating in this male dominated industry. Ask to be included in some of her arrangement and get to know her friends?

Nctothisfornow · 13/01/2018 10:14

I can understand why you are feeling the way you do about this as i would also find it uncomfortable. The reason behind that though would be due to my own insecurities.

My ex wouldnt tell me about his arranged catch ups, instead he would lie about them. That was where the problem lay as he wasnt even prepared to help me deal with my insecurities. I couldnt get past "if there is nothing to hide, why lie"

Your gf is being open and honest with you. Try and work on your issues. As pp have said, if they have feelings for her and she was interested then she would be with them not you.
You cant work on your issues by putting rules in place for as and when she can see these friends. That is just placing a temporary band aid on your problem. It wont stick and eventually you will feel the only way to solve it is by encouraging her to stop going out with them.

You need to work out how to deal with your insecurities or realise this relationship isnt for you.

BackInTheRoom · 13/01/2018 10:15

Oh I meant to say, I agree with healthy boundaries too but maybe when you see the dynamics of her friendship groups you'll feel more comfortable?

Northernparent68 · 13/01/2018 10:17

It’s interesting you say she would nt like it if you acted in the way she does. Why do nt you end this relationship and find someone on your wavelength

Purplerain101 · 13/01/2018 10:18

I get where you’re coming from as my OH has a close female friend and I know she used to be in love with him a long time ago. I’m an insecure person so it does secretly bother me, but I also wouldn’t ever want to control who my OH can and can’t be friends with. It’s a recipe for disaster to start dictating things like that. She is being very open with you about him and not hiding anything so my guess is that she really does just see him as a purely platonic friend. If she fancied him and wanted more then she’d be trying to keep their friendship more hidden from you. If you feel threatened that he might worm his way in and take her away from you then you need to remember that she has chosen to be with you and has probably had ample opportunity to be with him when she’s been single but has chosen not to

anxiousnow · 13/01/2018 10:18

I have a completely platonic friend that would sign off "love you xxxx" so don't read too much into that. She is being open with you but I still get why you may have a little unsettled feeling. Can you suggest meeting her friends? Even though you trust you gf it will help show the male friend who may or may not still have feelings for her the reality that she is unavailable.

MadMags · 13/01/2018 10:20

Though at times I do feel like I hear about these catch ups after they have been arranged (not consulted at all) and my preference would be if she had daytime coffee or lunch catch ups with them now we are exclusively dating.

You’d be out on your arse if I was her.

DerelictWreck · 13/01/2018 10:21

If she had a gay female friend, would you still be so possessive and controlling?

riledandharrassed · 13/01/2018 10:22

Lol because if people are wanting to shag they are totally not going to do it in the daytime? 😂😂

Northernparent68 · 13/01/2018 10:23

Also I’d be wary of women who don’t get on with women, there’s usually a reason women do nt like them. I wondered if she enjoys stringing men on

Neolara · 13/01/2018 10:23

I think you will drive both yourself and your gf mad if you become hang up on this. You either trust your gf or you don't. If you don't, then break up. If you do, then back off and let her be friends with whoever she wants.

Ladyformation · 13/01/2018 10:23

Her boundaries sound fine to me.

Why are you actually insecure about this? Is it because you think something will happen between them? Is it because you think she's leading him on and you don't like what that says about her? Is it because she makes you feel foolish in public? If you can work it out, you can work through it. I'd have chucked you by now, so evidently she wants to make it work too

lovemylover · 13/01/2018 10:26

My son has lots of female friends ,it happens these days i think that people of the opposite sex can have friends without them being in a relationship,
I wouldnt worry

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