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Relationships

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Original poster

New gfs male friend ..........

62 replies

Jordan23 · 13/01/2018 05:42

Hello All. Sorry first post so go easy. :)

Just wanted your thoughts on this. I have been seeing my current girlfriend for 8 months. There is one male "friend" in her life who she remains in contact with but I know had romantic feelings for her in the past (she told me). She put him in his place in that she wasn't interested in anything more than platonic friendship. They chat on Facebook / phone occasionally and she has caught up with him (and another male friend - they are both single) for drinks and dinner in the recent past. She doesn't hide it from me at all. Though at times I do feel like I hear about these catch ups after they have been arranged (not consulted at all) and my preference would be if she had daytime coffee or lunch catch ups with them now we are exclusively dating.

This morning I saw on her fridge a hand written note from him thanking her after she let him stay in her flat for a few nights (she stayed somewhere else) and he signed off with........love you......

So although she is honest about the background and context of these male friends I can't help but find some of the interactions a bit odd .......I don't think my gf would be too pleased if I let a platonic female friend stay at my flat (who she knew had romantic feelings for me) and then stick on the fridge a letter she had written to me saying thanks and signing it "love you" for her to see / read while making a morning coffee

What do you think? Anything to be concerned about here? I feel he may still harbour romantic feelings for her and she isn't setting clear enough boundaries around their interactions......I trust her........not sure about him though.........I know it takes two to tango etc.....but not sure tbh and not used to this when I am in a relationship

For context.....my last relationship which lasted ten years my partner was more girly girl and mostly had female friends. Current partner is engineer, used to studying and working in male dominated industry and has admitted she feels more comfortable with males as friends usually ...............

So new dynamic for me .......appreciate any thoughts ......I have no interest trying to control what she does but I would like that appropriate boundaries are set (i have explained this to her) with these types of "relationships" now that we are in an exclusive relationship together with plans for the future

OP posts:

Rudgie47 · 13/01/2018 10:27

You sound controlling, she doesnt have to consult you about seeing a friend. Honestly who do you think you are? She can see who she wants when she wants, its non of your business.

SandyY2K · 13/01/2018 10:29

I think you're getting a hard time op, because women who post similar scenarios in here get very different responses.

100% agree with this.

ShutTheFridgeUp · 13/01/2018 10:29

Your preference for when she sees her friends really doesn't matter, you are neither her boss nor her keeper. You are creating issues that don't exists. You either trust her or you don't and his feelings towards her really don't matter one bit when she has told you what the deal is.

HolyShet · 13/01/2018 10:30

my preference would be if she had daytime coffee or lunch catch ups with them now we are exclusively dating.

bloody hell, have you heard yourself?

what is making you so insecure - her behaviour, openess and honesty sound just fine to me

SandyY2K · 13/01/2018 10:40

In your girlfriend's position, I would have let you know (not consult) in advance that he was staying at my flat.

It just seems that you get informed after the fact... showing little consideration for your feelings.

In a situation like this .. a partner who wants you to feel secure would do something ..like at least introduce you.. so you can get to know him and for you to feel comfortable about it.

I believe she has been honest with you...but when you love and care about someone...it makes sense to put in the effort to make them feel secure.

Ultimately... you need to decide if you can handle a relationship with her .. given the circumstances and walk away if you can't.

I personally would not stay in a relationship where my boyfriend had his female friend staying over...even if he wasn't there and who had feelings for him.

I would never seek to control him ...if just walk away. There are millions of other guys I wouldn't face this hassle with.

You know yourself best...but she'll always have men around her in this manner .... how serious is the relationship? And remember it's how You feel about it no anonymous posters who (without a doubt) would say otherwise if you were female.

SleepingInYourFlowerbed · 13/01/2018 10:46

If she wants to be with this friend then that will happen whether you impose rules on when and how she can see him or not. You have to deal with your insecurities, not restrict her.

Cricrichan · 13/01/2018 10:58

He's her friend. If she'd wanted a relationship with him, there's nothing stopping her from it. She's chosen you. She's open about it and treats him exactly how she would a female friend. I don't see a problem.

I've had guys I'm not interested in fancy me before and I could things off (in a cruel to be kind way) until they find someone though.

MadMags · 13/01/2018 11:00

I’ve seen countless threads where a woman has had her arse handed to her because she posts about her husband’s/boyfriend’s female friend.

Maybe you’ve missed every single one of them?

teaandcakeat8 · 13/01/2018 11:22

Actually, he stayed in her flat but she wasn't even there?

Why on earth would she tell you beforehand about this?! Unless it was mentioned in conversation I wouldn't think to 'inform' anyone of this fact.

HolyShet · 13/01/2018 11:35

I'd reply in the same way to a woman, esp given the unreasonably controlling tone of mistrust, though I find it even more sinister in a man tbh

If you want this relationship to work you need to accept that their romantic relationship (onesided) was in the past

Grow up, let it go.

Emboo19 · 13/01/2018 11:41

I think you need to relax.
These are friends who pre date your relationship and I’m sorry but any one trying to control when I see my friends male or female whom I’ve known much longer than them would be told where to go.

8 months is still a relatively new relationship and she’s being honest with you. If you’re really not ok with it, I’d be inclined to think it’s not the right relationship for you.

I have a few close male friends, and wouldn’t think twice about going out for dinner etc with them and they often stay over or I stay at there’s and that’s staying together (sometimes in the same room). Never even a tiny bit been tempted to have sex with them, even when single!!

Emboo19 · 13/01/2018 11:47

Oh and I’m not a hypocrite. I’ve been seeing someone for a few months and he has a close female friend, they actually dated for a short time and decided they were better as friends. I actually really like that he has a good female friend, I think they offer a different perspective to male ones (sometimes) and the fact he’s a good friend and has made a effort to maintain the friendship is appealing to me.

They live in different cities and he stays with her or her with him if they meet up!

RainyApril · 13/01/2018 12:07

There's a lot of sarcasm about the fact op would prefer them to meet during the day, all the comments about affairs happening during the daytime is obviously true.

But if my dp had a close female friend who used to fancy him, I think I'd feel a bit worried too, and meeting for lunch or coffee is less intimate somehow than going out for dinner or cocktails.

Op hasn't said or done anything yet. He's not tried to manipulate or control her, he's just worried and asking for advice.

Op, you can't stop this friendship, you just can't and you know it would be wrong to try. But feeling insecure, not really liking it, feeling suspicious of his motives, all understandable imo.

MsGameandWatching · 13/01/2018 12:16

I do feel like I hear about these catch ups after they have been arranged (not consulted at all) and my preference would be if she had daytime coffee or lunch catch ups with them now we are exclusively dating

Get her on here pronto! I need to tell her to keep a very close eye for further controlling behaviour and be ready to dump you swiftly when it emerges.

SandyY2K · 13/01/2018 12:40

But if my dp had a close female friend who used to fancy him, I think I'd feel a bit worried too

I agree with you.

and meeting for lunch or coffee is less intimate somehow than going out for dinner or cocktails.

^^This too.

Op hasn't said or done anything yet. He's not tried to manipulate or control her, he's just worried and asking for advice.

Yeah. There's a way that men posting get jumped on and attacked quite often. ..
He's not done anything to control her from what I read.

Expressing discomfort with a situation isn't the same as controlling.

Your GF is who she is and won't change. ..nor should she. It could be that this issue makes the two of you incompatible.

Don't invest more time and energy in the relationship if it's an issue for you.

There isn't always a general right or wrong. .it's what's right for you.

I deliver marriage preparation courses and we always say that above all, the couple are the experts. .. in their relationship. Nobody else can tell you what you should or should not find acceptable.

Even a relationship counsellor wouldn't tell you how to feel about it.

You not being comfortable with it does not mean you're some kind of monster.

Treacletoots · 13/01/2018 13:00

Bloody hell! This poor guy! In his circumstances I would also feel a little nervous. I suspect it's completely platonic but if after 8 months she hasnt offered to introduce him to her friends it's at best a bit insensitive.

I have several close male friends and I've always encouraged my DH to meet them. I think it's a nice thing to do and we are are fairly like minded people too, so get on well!

I genuinely don't think anything is going on, like others have said, it would have happened already but I do think she should make the effort to introduce you at the very least. She's acting a little bit still like a single person IMHO. Although, I have to admit I moved in with my partner after 3 months, 8 months seems a pretty reasonable commitment for someone so I would hope she'd consider your thoughts a little more on some things!

HeebieJeebies456 · 13/01/2018 13:35

why not just do the same to her......

MadMags · 13/01/2018 13:49

What does that mean?!

OurMiracle1106 · 13/01/2018 14:34

I flat share with someone who I was once intimate with. (Been over 3 years since that) my boyfriend has met him, had drinks with him and has no issue with me continuing to be friends with this person and continuing living where I do.

He knows myself and my flatmate get drunk together occasionally and have each other’s backs. For some men I appreciate this would feel too much, because I have remained living here but me and his girlfriend are close friends now- so if there’s anything to be concerned about it’s the two women ganging up on them

IMO if she was hiding it from you then you would be justified being concerned about it; she isn’t so there isn’t nothing to worry about.

And I tend to do a FYI to my other half in regards to plans unless I think/know they might be wanting to see me ie xmas

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/01/2018 14:39

Couple of points about men getting different advice to women on here...

First, men can choose to post on reddit, or any of the thousands of male-oriented sites. If they want to hear, 'she's a bitch mate, bin her off' there is literally the whole rest of the internet. They post here to get MN advice.

Jealous, controlling men kill women. With frightening regularity. The converse is not the case. That's an extreme but the fact is that controlling behaviour in men is massively more dangerous than in women so the advice would obviously be different.

Alwayscommuting · 13/01/2018 14:46

To me it depends what she does and doesn’t allow you to do. If you are “allowed” to see your friends when you like and help them out when you can then she should be able to expect to do the same. I think a strong relationship should be built on being able to trust each other. She’s comfortable to be able to tell you who she’s with. Imposing rules on that could either make her resent you because you’ve stopped her seeing friends or could make her lie to you about who she’s with and when.

RainyApril · 13/01/2018 15:25

If op was a controlling, manipulative dick he would've said or done something about the situation over the past eight months. Instead, he's come to a female dominated forum to ask for advice. There's a way to offer that advice thoughtfully and usefully imo.

AlonsosLeftPinky · 13/01/2018 15:33

You don't seem to trust her, why is that? Ultimately, it's not a strange thing for someone to have dinner or drinks with a friend and everyone should be free to have friendships.

It's perfectly natural that when you work in a heavily male dominated environment and have typically male interests, you'll form friendships more readily with men.

I'm the same, in that I work in a very similar role and have always had masculine hobbies and interests, though not exclusively and I'm very feminine in my demeanor and appearance.

I frequently have dinner or drinks with either male friends or men I work with and can say there's nothing datelike about it, it's literally just a chat and food, or watching a film or band or whatever.

If you're expecting her to change a fundamental part of who she is to suit your outlook, or to ask permission of you to be who she is then I think you have to question whether you're really suited.

PNGirl · 13/01/2018 16:02

To be fair, I think women posting about their male partner and a female friend are often referring to a brand new friend from work or the oft-mentioned "hobby". People post saying that the man is with the OP not the friend so to focus on that but I often think "Yeah, cause he met the OP first!"

In this case the friendship pre-dates the relationship so I think it's just something to get used to but I would want to know if he tried it on with her in the future.

Coyoacan · 13/01/2018 17:12

I think you are a bad fit. She is an open and honest person and you are jealous, insecure and controlling. There is no way you should have any say in who stays in her house or at what time she sees her friends.

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