Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

New gfs male friend ..........

62 replies

Jordan23 · 13/01/2018 05:42

Hello All. Sorry first post so go easy. :)

Just wanted your thoughts on this. I have been seeing my current girlfriend for 8 months. There is one male "friend" in her life who she remains in contact with but I know had romantic feelings for her in the past (she told me). She put him in his place in that she wasn't interested in anything more than platonic friendship. They chat on Facebook / phone occasionally and she has caught up with him (and another male friend - they are both single) for drinks and dinner in the recent past. She doesn't hide it from me at all. Though at times I do feel like I hear about these catch ups after they have been arranged (not consulted at all) and my preference would be if she had daytime coffee or lunch catch ups with them now we are exclusively dating.

This morning I saw on her fridge a hand written note from him thanking her after she let him stay in her flat for a few nights (she stayed somewhere else) and he signed off with........love you......

So although she is honest about the background and context of these male friends I can't help but find some of the interactions a bit odd .......I don't think my gf would be too pleased if I let a platonic female friend stay at my flat (who she knew had romantic feelings for me) and then stick on the fridge a letter she had written to me saying thanks and signing it "love you" for her to see / read while making a morning coffee

What do you think? Anything to be concerned about here? I feel he may still harbour romantic feelings for her and she isn't setting clear enough boundaries around their interactions......I trust her........not sure about him though.........I know it takes two to tango etc.....but not sure tbh and not used to this when I am in a relationship

For context.....my last relationship which lasted ten years my partner was more girly girl and mostly had female friends. Current partner is engineer, used to studying and working in male dominated industry and has admitted she feels more comfortable with males as friends usually ...............

So new dynamic for me .......appreciate any thoughts ......I have no interest trying to control what she does but I would like that appropriate boundaries are set (i have explained this to her) with these types of "relationships" now that we are in an exclusive relationship together with plans for the future

OP posts:

Coyoacan · 13/01/2018 17:13

And, for the record, I would say the same thing if it was a woman complaining about her bf's female friends.

MistressDeeCee · 13/01/2018 17:36

You're not being controlling OP but as you're a man you'll be accused of being so. No matter what's said on here I think very rare is the person, male or female, who would be happy with this..why would you be? It's like having a "third wheel" in your relationship.

Of the people saying oh it's fine, I'd be surprised if they even have this in their relationship and a partner who's cool with it

I'm wondering if ultimately this will drive you apart. I find women who say they get on with men better, to be a bit silly. Actively assessing friendships via gender and what's the purpose in telling you that anyway. Friends are friends, surely. What's she saying to him?

Just talk to her about it. Don't let anyone tell you it's not ok to expect some boundaries in your relationship tho, unless it's an open relationship. I don't mind OH having female friends - but if he'd had female friends sleeping at his or ones he needs daily chats with etc I wouldn't have said much after all it's his life and I don't believe at all in trying to enforce change-

but I wouldn't have bothered to get into any serious relationship with him as it's just not a dynamic that interests me. Too many cooks n all that...I like an easier life relationship.

Hope you manage to sort it out.

debbs77 · 13/01/2018 17:39

I have a male friend who is married and I'm single. He comes round about once every 6 weeks. He always signs off messages with love you. Because he does! We love each other as friends

crazymumofthree · 13/01/2018 17:43

I think it speaks volumes the fact that she is open with you about it, have you met these friends? Would this put you at ease a little more? From reading your post I can't see anything wrong or to be worried about.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/01/2018 18:02

I'd be surprised if they even have this in their relationship and a partner who's cool with it

Be surprised then. DH is completely fine with it. He even runs with my male friend when they're around. All fine and dandy and above board. But then DH is very secure and confident (and much hotter than any of my male friends) so doesn't feel the need to specify when I see them. I am fully capable of seeing them for dinner without having sex. IKR? Amazing.

RainyApril · 13/01/2018 18:11

But surely your imagination stretches to how someone, maybe someone not 'much hotter', or less confident, or with different life experiences, might feel differently?

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/01/2018 18:18

Absolutely. But it doesn't give them the right to control their partner in any way.

MistressDeeCee · 13/01/2018 19:57

MrsTerryPrachett then good for you, you got the sarky in along with the smug too.

I'm sure most women have a man. & male friends that know their husbands too. It's no biggie it's part of everyday life and really nothing to show off about as if it makes you edgy. I don't think I've even come across eomen in real life who dont have male friends, married or not.

But MN is a world of it's own isn't it. Often not related to the real. Except perhaps the Relationships board..

In the OPs case doesn't sound as if he's trying to control friendships, simply that the boundaries (lack of?) make him uncomfortable. It's not the "my gf can't have friends" topic that some are trying to twist it into

I wouldn't bother to be with a man that has women friends sleeping over or declaring love, whatever. The last thing on my mind would be wringing my hands worrying in case someone thinks I'm insecure. It's ok to have your own boundaries in the face of what others want.

It never works when boundaries aren't compatibile, as in OP's case. Just becomes a load of angst and there's no fun in that so the writing's on the wall anyway.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/01/2018 20:22

He wants a say in when she is allowed to see her friends. That's deeply worrying.

I might change my NN to SmugAndSarky.

RainyApril · 13/01/2018 21:02

I think the controlling men to worry about probably aren't on mn asking whether it's ok to broach a subject with their gf or not.

MrsSk · 13/01/2018 21:08

My bf of too many years to mention is male and yes I do love him....sleeping with no no thanks that would be like incest.

Coyoacan · 14/01/2018 02:53

I wouldn't bother to be with a man that has women friends sleeping over or declaring love, whatever

You see the wonderful thing in this world is that we all have different tastes in partners. So I wouldn't fancy your man and you wouldn't want mine. However the OP has got together with someone who has friendships and a way of being with her friends that he does not approve of. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her friendships, he just doesn't want her to have them, so I reckon he should find someone who doesn't have any friends or does value friends and live happily ever after.

Flip

1 2 3