Herpes in a long term 'monogamous' relationship

[sadandhumiliated]

I have nc for this, I’m a regular, and post on here under a different name.

Have been diagnosed with herpes this week. 30 years old, DP 33, together 5 years. Neither of us ever had any outbreaks in that time that we can think of before.

Had sex new year’s day and the day after DP mentioned a lesion on his penis that he thought was a result of a toothy BJ (tmi sorry ). With hindsight and research it appears this was a papercut lesion and 4-5 days later I had what has now been diagnosed as a herpes outbreak.

I’m utterly devastated and feel so low. I know herpes can stay dormant for a long time but DP claims he can’t remember an outbreak ever and the GUM nurse says it’s quite uncommon to stay dormant so long (I mean we’d be talking 5 years without an outbreak!) I’d have been quite lucky to have not caught it for all this time. Of course something that is staring me in the face is the possibility he’s cheated.

I feel so tainted, miserable and low. I know it’s ‘just a cold sore but on rude bits’ but I’m not stupid. People do not view it like that and there is huge stigma attached to it. Just need a hand hold really as have no one irl to talk to and feel my life is over right now. Don’t feel I can trust DP but feel trapped as Who would want me with this?!

OP, sorry you're so upset but you really don't need to be. I have had genital herpes since I was 29, I'm 56 now. Yep, first few outbreaks were the worst but not unbearable. It's a cold sore down below, nothing more or less. I can count the total number of outbreaks on my fingers with some left over. What made the biggest difference was general health - sleep, exercise and nourishment. No outbreaks at all since my mid-30s, and then only when I was run down/really ill with something else. I don't feel tainted or dirty and neither need you. The way herpes has been talked about in articles etc is just terrible. It's not a plague. It CAN lie dormant for years. HSV1 or 2 doesn't really matter. Just because oral is usually 1 and genital usually 2, doesn't mean oral sex can't spread 1 or 2 upwards or downwards. And it doesn't have to be oral sex, it could just be skin contact. My OH and I still have no idea who gave it to who - it just appeared after sex (non-oral) one day about 18 months into relationship, loads of sexy sex in those early days (sigh), both of us sore, neither of us had had the symptoms genitally before but I'd had oral cold sores as a kid and she'd had similar pain years before but no sores.
Look after your immune system & it will look after you. I have long since forgotten I have it.

90% of the population has it OP. Just takes something to cause an outbreak! GUM Consultant told me that.

Be glad your Primary outbreak didn't leave you paralysed and on a Catheter at 7 months pregnant or needing Gas & Air to urinate!
Sounds like you've been fairly lucky with it! X

Thanks all for your kind words and positivity. Feeling much more positive after opening up to my mum and a couple of friends and no one has been horrified, which made me feel so much better about things. I also feel I am turning a corner with the outbreak as it’s all feeling a lot less itchy which is helping me to feel more human again thank you again XX

Zovirax the topical cream is worth keeping close by too!

I’m sorry but I tend to believe your husband. He could have lied and ‘remembered’ an incident before he met you. Also, that’s rubbish about no out break in 5 years - I’ve not had one in 10 years? Also, you can get your blood tested to see which herpes you have. I did and had both 1 & 2 - but I have only had one cold sore on my lip in my life and that was 40 years ago - but dr confirmed I did have the virus. The virus gets active and can spread skin cells which passes it on - doesn’t mean you see or feel a lesion. My friend who had it thought you needed to lesion active to pass it on, and Unfort she gave it to her boyfriend.

I feel for you, I caught herpes from DPs coldsore about 10 years ago, stupidly neither of us thought about the possibilty, and my first outbreak was horrendous. Get some instillagel from the pharmacy, really soothes the pain and take plenty of nurofen. An l-lysine supplement can also help to prevent a recurrence.

Hi, I wanted to post post as I totally relate to you. I caught it 2 years ago, just after meeting dp - now dh.

I was so poorly to begin with, honestly I know what you are going through and it's awful.

But it does get better. Take vitamins everyday to boost your immune system to lessen the outbreaks. Tea tree oil is great too.

My dp went into denial mode when he found out I had it and to be honest didn't speak to me for a few weeks. Gum clinic said I had 99.9% caught it from him as I didn't have many sexual partners before him (only 4) and it had been 9 months since I slept with anyone.

Dp never gets outbreaks, never had one ever. Even after all this time he doesn't get them. So he would of been totally unaware that he had it if he hadn't met me.

Fast forward to now, it's not something we ever talk about really. It's not an issue to us. I was gutted to begin with, heartbroken even. But it's not the end of the world. Loads of people have it, they just don't have a clue.

I really do hope you are ok and feeling abit better x

Swab results came back... it’s HSV1. I didn’t think when asking the nurse. Can someone a bit more knowledgable explain; I know this means it’s the cold sore virus. I know this means it could come from oral sex, is that the only means of transmission or if say DP had a lesion can it spread genital to genital if it’s HSV1? Does it have to be oral - genital? I’m a bit confused by what I’m reading online. Neither of us have ever had cold sores you see.

YellowLily Either HSV1 and HSV2 can be oral or genital. In the old days when oral sex was less prevalent there was more of a distinction so HSV1 was predominantly oral and HSV2 genital but this is no longer the case as sexual practices have become more liberal and oral sex the norm. So you can spread either virus mouth to mouth, mouth to genitals, genitals to mouth or genitals to genitals. HSV1 spreads more readily mouth to mouth but it will spread the other ways too.

Most people have the cold sore virus in their bodies but only a small percentage of those get cold sores or genital herpes. If you read through the full thread you'll see plenty of instances where herpes has been transmitted with no apparent symptoms or the symptom was like a small cut rather than a full blown break out. If your DP had a sore spot on his mouth or penis that he thought was a cut it might have been a break out.

Op I had something similar with my dh when we first got together. Neither of us had cheated and it wasn't until I was asking the Dr about a wart I've had for as long as I can remember (not related) to be told it's part of the same family (She also said some technical stuff I can't remember) but the motto was it must of flared up coz dh must have the wart virus too.
Hope this helps put your mind at rest.

I don't see a massive stigma attached to it OP. You've been unlucky. I was given chlamydia when I was about 21 and in a LTR. I have to disclose it at various medical appointments and resent it as I caught it from a long term partner and had only slept with one man in my whole life so I know having an STD means nothing about you as a person and is not something that can be used to form a judgement.

It is common and after this initial flare up you will have likely years and years of nothing. Please don't beat yourself up over this.

Dear sadandhumiliated. The first outbreak is by far the worse. I haven't had one in over nine years. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I think you'll see things in a less negative light with the passing of time.

Hi OP,

I don't (think I) have herpes, but I do get cold sores ALL THE TIME. Recently myself and a friend went out for a few drinks together, I noticed that my glass was a bit dirty (after us taking the first few sips) but we used straws for the rest of the night. Within a few days we had both broken out in cold sore, lots of them!

You said you had sex on NYE, is there a chance that one of you got a dirty glass in the days leading up to this and never noticed, then oral and sex helped spread it?

Once I have an inkling of a cold sore coming up there is no oral sex for either of us until they are well and truly dead! I know HSV-1 is normally cold sores, but HSV-1 can also cause genital herpes. HSV-2 is genital only.

You need to have a very honest talk with your partner, and if you haven't already get checked for other STIs.

It’s unusual for it to ‘lay dormant’ for so long BUT it’s very possible that your husband may have experienced an outbreak years ago and just never noticed. Over 80% of people with genital herpes don’t actually notice the symptoms because they are so mild or they think they have a little ingrown hair or pimple that they don’t give a second thought and forget all about once it clears up. So it’s possible your husband has experienced symptoms in the past and just never realised. It’s also common for years to go by between outbreaks (and many people stop getting outbreaks altogether)

I fully sympathise with your situation entirely and I hope you are ok. How did it turn out in the end? Are you still with him?

@dementedpixie

Have either of you had cold sores as they can spread to the genitals via oral sex?

I get cold sores, no idea where I caught it. I haven't gotten one for over a decade, it can lie dormant for a long time. Maybe your DH has carried it for a long time, some people are barley effected by the virus. You can carry it asymptomaticly. It sounds though, like you've only just caught it off him as first outbreak is usually the worst one. It should clear in 2-3 weeks and probably won't be as had next time. I used to be able to work out when I was going to get a coldsore and treat it before it appeared, makes it less painful and doesn't last as long. Afaik DH doesn't have it, been together 20+ years. He's never had a sore, but could still be carrying it.

Should have looked closer, zombie 🤦