Herpes in a long term 'monogamous' relationship

[sadandhumiliated]

I have nc for this, I’m a regular, and post on here under a different name.

Have been diagnosed with herpes this week. 30 years old, DP 33, together 5 years. Neither of us ever had any outbreaks in that time that we can think of before.

Had sex new year’s day and the day after DP mentioned a lesion on his penis that he thought was a result of a toothy BJ (tmi sorry ). With hindsight and research it appears this was a papercut lesion and 4-5 days later I had what has now been diagnosed as a herpes outbreak.

I’m utterly devastated and feel so low. I know herpes can stay dormant for a long time but DP claims he can’t remember an outbreak ever and the GUM nurse says it’s quite uncommon to stay dormant so long (I mean we’d be talking 5 years without an outbreak!) I’d have been quite lucky to have not caught it for all this time. Of course something that is staring me in the face is the possibility he’s cheated.

I feel so tainted, miserable and low. I know it’s ‘just a cold sore but on rude bits’ but I’m not stupid. People do not view it like that and there is huge stigma attached to it. Just need a hand hold really as have no one irl to talk to and feel my life is over right now. Don’t feel I can trust DP but feel trapped as Who would want me with this?!

Not read full thread yet, so someone may have already mentioned this, but just wanted to clarify something for the OP wrt cold sores.

Generally, cold sores (or oral herpes) is caused by HSV-1, and although it can lead to genital herpes, most cases of genital herpes are caused by HSV-2, which is slightly different.

Sorry, but the likelihood of you having caught it from a cold sore is really small. .
It's much more likely that your partner already had genital herpes and has passed it into you when you had sex whilst he had that sore. Generally, the first time you're exposed to the disease, you will show symptoms within 14 days, which fits with the 5 days that you've previously mentioned.

It best to be honest with the op that it does have a stigma and not to pretend it doesn't. Not that it's best it has a stigma. I would prefer if nothing had a stigma but sadly that's not true. My friend told me you can be prosectuted for giving someone herpes so I think that doesnt help with the stigma either.

Littlekitty - no offence but how old are you?

29 whats your point? My experience in real life is that there is a stigma. Have you read the link? Not sure why you think my age is relevant.

Nope I didn't read the link. You come across as being very young with the views you hold. No reason to be offended, I was just curious.

Littlekitty, prosecuted?😂 Would that be civil or criminal court?

I think partially the reason it has a stigma is because it is an unpleasant illness that no one wants, and can lead to romantic rejection, which no one wants obviously . A lot of people try to brush it off saying "oh most people hardly notice an outbreak" and "you just have one outbreak then you wont have another" and these things are not necessarily true. Actually it can be extremely fucking painful, and you can get outbreaks all the time.

(sorry OP not trying to make you feel bad, I just think people brushing it off are being unrealistic).

If anyone cares to read the facts about the criminal case google the below.

R v Golding [2014] EWCA Crim 889

OP I hope you're OK. There are a few half facts on here so make sure you make an appt with a professional who can give you full accurate information. When you have a moment sit down and write a list of questions you want to know answers to so when you have your appt you don't go blank (like I would).

Stigma is a subjective thing - what one person perceives as stigma another person is completely cool about. I follow the dating thread and FWIW, over the years, a couple of daters on there have been on dates, liked someone enough to have the "I have herpes" conversation and continued into a relationship with that person. People are often kinder and more open-minded than we give them credit for.

Last month there was a scandal on YouTube because Trisha Paytas made a video complaining that her ex boyfriend Avi Kaplan gave a girl herpes and lied that he got it from her. If you read the comments on the videos before she took them down you'd see there is a lot of stigma around herpes still. And it's kind of understandable. It's a contagious illness that sounds very painful and is something the sufferer will have for life, there is no positive spin to be put on that!

As for your boyfriend, if he has infected you through carelessness you have every right to be furious about that. When he noticed lesions on his penis he should have seen a doctor. If he's been having unprotected sex, he should have been getting tested. (Though I don't know if herpes shows up on tests when it's not active?)

I wouldn't be put off dating someone I liked because they have herpes either. I would just use condoms, and expect them to be careful about hygiene during an outbreak.

Sorry for multi posts, but I forgot to mention, a friend of mine has herpes (also got it from a careless partner) and as far as I'm aware she only had one outbreak, and then another when she had a cold when her immune system was probably depressed. I hope you feel better soon

Herpes is a skin on skin virus, condoms will reduce the risk but not prevent you from catching it.

Op, I hope you are ok.

Nonsense that the HSV1 strain cannot cause the HSV2 strain. My close friend developed genital herpes (but it was HSV1) strain. Neither her or her partner had cold sores and her partner was negative. They had been together for 5 years at this point but partner believed that she hadn’t cheated (which she hadn’t). She hasn’t had an outbreak since and has gone on to have two children without issue. So please don’t assume your partner has cheated. Also the nurse was very silly to suggest it’s unusual for an outbreak to occur after such a long time. A simple google shows this isn’t the case and Herpes outbreaks are often triggered by a low immune system or a cut in the genital area. Do you know which strain you have?

My partner has it, and he’s only had 2 very small outbreaks in 10 years. It really can lie dormant for years, no matter what the nurse said. I’ve never shown any symptoms and other than around those 2 times, we haven’t been careful in any way.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2026598/David-Golding-gave-girlfriend-Cara-Scott-herpes-JAILED-14-months.html

Yes criminal. Still laughing?

When I was 16, I developed extremely sore patches down below, they felt raw. I was in so much pain. I went to the gum clinic and swabs were taken and they said it was probably herpes. When the results came back they were negative but they said it probably was still herpes and maybe I'd waited too long to have it tested.

I spent the next 15+ years sure I had it. When I was about two months pregnant the patches came back and I was so upset I went straight to the gum clinic the next morning. The doctor was very lovely and said she was sure it wasn't herpes but took swabs anyway. Negative again. Still have no idea what they are and living in limbo waiting to see if it comes up again. I was heartbroken when I was 16 and thought that was it, I was "ruined".

From what I've read, the first outbreak is often so much worse than the rest and you may never get another. It feels like the worst thing ever now I know, but you won't always feel like this x

I found out I have herpes years after getting a very occasional small cut/sore in the same place - I'd been with my now DH for years and had been faithful and assume he had been. I never had a full outbreak so had no reason to go to a GUM clinic - I just thought something had rubbed and made me sore.

I fell pregnant and miscarried - within three months the lesion recurred a number of times. I went to the GUM clinic and found out I had herpes.

I don't know if my experience is unusual - which your nurse seems to suggest it is - but just wanted to share it with you so you know your husband saying he had recurring 'cut' without any obvious 'outbreak' is definitely a possibility.

My lesion has only reappeared about twice in the last 5 years. As far as we know DH doesn't have herpes - he's certainly never had any symptoms

and for you. I remember how awful I felt when I found out I had it but I never really think about it now.

This charity is the best for getting information and support. Some of the others around can be awful herpes.org.uk/

Oh bless your cotton socks. So, speaking as a woman, is it different for men, maybe, not so easy for us to 'air' our bits. First outbreaks are worst, it can improve over the years until you get to a point where you can have multiple, years clear. I have had it for over 25 years. The intensity of an outbreak can certainly change from cold sore size outbreaks to pin prick itchy annoyances.

When I was suffering frequently in the early years I read about the herb cats claw. Topical and oral application seemed to change things for me big time. I split the caps open. Also getting enough sun and sleep. Balance. Lots of Vit c also helped lessen or stop outbreaks.

I have had to tell partners over the years and have had varying responses from 'oh yeah, me too'! , ' just warn me when', to getting tested together before stopping barrier protection.

I know it's a shock but there is nothing dirty about you, take care of your health and try and work out what triggers an outbreak for you. It will get so much better in time.

As for getting it this long into a relationship, I don't think it has to mean he cheated. Economical with the truth maybe? I think it would be rare he wouldnt know but not totally impossible.

I am just going to repeat, Cats Claw the herb gave me back control.

There’s a lot of well-intended but inaccurate information on this thread. I suggest you look up some facts about types one and two - there’s loads online.

HSV-1 is increasingly being diagnosed genitally due to the rising (excuse the pun!) popularity of oral sex. I know three people who have type 1 genitally but none with type 2. You can find out whether you have type 1 or 2 antibodies (or both) - though not where in the body they’ve taken up residence - through a blood test.

I am still laughing. Sometimes truely ridiculous things make it through the courts. I suspect there a lot more to that case than the Daily Mail has focused on and sometimes you do get a severely incompetent or stupid judge.

Grammar

I was told by my gyn that it cannot be passed on through objects as the virus dies away from the body very quickly. Perhaps that's only Type 2, but herpes.org also mentioned not catching it through objects.

Just had a check on another website which states it's 'virtually impossible' to catch it from a towel.

"The Court found that Mr Golding understood both that he had the infection and how it is transmitted, and by not preventing transmission – or disclosing his condition thereby allowing the complainant to make an informed decision whether or not she wanted to risk acquiring herpes – was guilty of reckless grievous bodily harm under Section 20 of the Offences Against The Person Act 1861."

I'm sure the man who was sent to prison didn't find it funny.

www.stdtestexpress.com/blog/can-the-herpes-virus-remain-dormant-for-a-period-of-up-to-30-years-before-any-symptoms-are-evident/

OP, I hope the above link works. The person posting is reassured that it's possible to have the first outbreak after lying dormant for 30 years!

Sorry you've had such upsetting news.

I just wanted to give you more positivity still after some heartwarming posts here.

My husband and I were both diagnosed at the same time shortly after we started dating/sleeping together. Neither of us had had any memory of outbreaks before so we were both very surprised to learn we had herpes.

The first outbreak, like yours, was awful and I had a few more after which were milder. I can honestly say that I haven't had any more outbreaks in the last eight or more years. Not one.

I gave birth to two children with no trouble whatsoever having notified the midwives during the pregnancy.