Herpes in a long term 'monogamous' relationship

[sadandhumiliated]

I have nc for this, I’m a regular, and post on here under a different name.

Have been diagnosed with herpes this week. 30 years old, DP 33, together 5 years. Neither of us ever had any outbreaks in that time that we can think of before.

Had sex new year’s day and the day after DP mentioned a lesion on his penis that he thought was a result of a toothy BJ (tmi sorry ). With hindsight and research it appears this was a papercut lesion and 4-5 days later I had what has now been diagnosed as a herpes outbreak.

I’m utterly devastated and feel so low. I know herpes can stay dormant for a long time but DP claims he can’t remember an outbreak ever and the GUM nurse says it’s quite uncommon to stay dormant so long (I mean we’d be talking 5 years without an outbreak!) I’d have been quite lucky to have not caught it for all this time. Of course something that is staring me in the face is the possibility he’s cheated.

I feel so tainted, miserable and low. I know it’s ‘just a cold sore but on rude bits’ but I’m not stupid. People do not view it like that and there is huge stigma attached to it. Just need a hand hold really as have no one irl to talk to and feel my life is over right now. Don’t feel I can trust DP but feel trapped as Who would want me with this?!

Herpes is really common and I don't see it having a massive stigma attached to it at all. Anyone who is sexually active runs the risk of getting it, you are not tainted just unlucky.

I know someone who developed herpes 15 years into her marriage. Her DH did not have it and she had not had sex with anyone else. However, she did get the occasional cold sore so it is assumed that she transferred the virus to her genitals somehow.

Having cold sores does not have a stigma. Also there are loads of celebrities with Herpes (I saw a list once somewhere) so you're in good company .

userxx

There is a huge stigma attached to it. I didn't tell any of my friends when I caught it (I was 16 or 17), for fear of it getting out and being bullied. All STIs have a stigma actually, but incurable ones more so.

Also, the stigma around genital herpes is also because a lot of people don't realise it's in the same virus family as oral herpes etc! They don't realise that cold sores on the mouth are herpes.

I think a huge part of the stigma is that until recently people didn't realise that you could transfer oral herpes to the genitals - the orthodoxy used to be that if you suddenly got herpes out of the blue, your partner was cheating and that was that

I hate the thought of anyone feeling tainted because they've got a condition that is in no way their fault. It's painful enough as it is.

Massive respect from me to the other herpes sufferers on this thread who aren't afraid to talk about it and stick two fingers up to the stigma

Yeh I think people on here are just trying to make the op feel better by saying there isn't a stigma but I think it's best to be honest. That there is. My ex didn't know cold sores was herpes virus so agree with what tansilie said.

Why would you think it's best that there is a stigma?

Hi OP

I got diagnosed in 2011, though my first outbreak wasn’t as bad as yours I don’t think, just one sore. Then no other outbreaks until 2015 when I had one more sore. I’ve never passed it to anyone, and have had a few relationships since first diagnosed. I did some reading after my last outbreak in 2015 and since then I have taken monolaurin capsules and l-lysine tablets, both of which are supposed to suppress the virus, and have had no other outbreaks (either on mouth or genitals) since then. It’s probably not necessary to take both but there are other health benefits to both of the supplements (monolaurin is a good general immune system booster and l-lysine helps with acne), so I take both of them. Worth giving them a go.

Which herpes simplex is it op?

Herpes is massively manageable, as long as you know you have it.
Recognise the patches flaring up, and avoid sexual contact while the patches are developing.
Was married to a lovely guy, he disclosed herpes, but had worked out how to live with it.
I never caught it, credit his diligence and foresight. So it isn't a deal breaker, at all. Just something to acknowledge and work around. Hth

Hi OP. I was diagnosed 2 years ago. Felt awful and identify with your current experience. It was through a tiny 'cut'on genitals. In truth...it was probably second flare up...the first being ten years before after I had just had unprotected sex with my then to be husband. At the time I.put it down to a cut from thrush but now it makes sense. So it can lie dormant for years and the tiny cut resonates with me.
We divorced (unrelated😁) and I met a new partner 6 months ago. Hated telling him but he was fab and it has not bothered our relationship.
1 in 5 people have herpes xxx you feel awful now so just be kind to yourself...it will pass and become irrelevant. I took aciclovir daily. I don't anymore...sometimes just an ad hoc one if I am feeling run down. Best wishes

I get a flair up if I am overly stressed or not looking after myself properly lucky that I can sense when it's about to break out and apply Zovirax which stops the blisters appearing it always breaks out in the same place on the inside of my thigh.

Hi, I got herpes when I was 30. I was in a serious relationship and he didn't have it or any symptoms. It was horrible and painful and I was so upset because I thought he might leave me. Luckily he was open minded and accepting of the fact that it could have been dormant for years and that it didn't necessarily mean I had cheated and we stayed together. I think I have had the maximum of three outbreaks in the last 13 years and i actually even forgot I had it until I saw you posted and it reminded me as they were all early on. I am still with the same partner and it hasn't affected our lives at all. I had a child since then too with no issues. So try not to worry as the first outbreak is viscous and depressing but you can be lucky and not really suffer again after that.

The huge stigma is very sadly due to a drug companies advertising campaign, the stigma didn't really exist before this -
herpes.org.uk/stigma/
By the age of 90 almost everyone will have contracted herpes (either type one or two). It is crazy that something so common is seen as so shameful. After your first outbreak it will never be as bad, you have a mild skin condition that is self limiting. And so do a hell of a lot of other people. I'd second having a good read of Herpes.org,uk

Have just read the ‘stigma’ article.
Fascinating and horrifying at the same time.

Drug companies and the pursuit of profit.

The stigma is crazy. I get cold sores and have outbreaks 3-4 times a year. No one bats an eyelid at them but if they were on my genitals I would be considered 'dirty'. Shows the stupidity of the general population. Hope things settle down for you soon OP. You have nothing to feel bad about.

Tansilie - personally myself I don't see herpes as having a stigma, maybe that's just me but I would like to think the vast majority of people realise that having any sti doesn't make us "dirty" just bloody unlucky!

I know a number of people with herpes, both oral and genital. It can be managed. It's such a shame you couldn't talk to anyone about it, it must have been really hard at such a young age.

There are loads of people even on this thread who have it and don't realise OP so don't be worrying! It's par for the course if you're sexually active at all as there is no way really to protect against it, just pot luck really. Lots of people have it and don't know. Plenty of smug people who think they have been careful will have it too. Your first outbreak can be awful. You might get a few more in the coming years but increasingly mild.

You might get a few more in the coming years but increasingly mild
Not my experience unfortunately! Mine have been horrendous every time. 😕

I caught it at about 25. My then bf was convinced I has cheated. I hadn't. I think it was from a cold sore of his. Anyway I've not had a breakout on over 20 years. I believe subsequent ones are far less awful anyway.

Aw Fleece, that sucks. Typically it decreases massively.

HERA there lots of reliable studies that show you CAN she'd the virus during active stages. And towels can convey. I would always use a different bathtowel for this reason.
To the poster who said sanitary towels can give similar ragged and soreness, well, they clearly never had Herpes. It is like sitting on burning pins. You can't walk, can't per without horrendous pain ( advice is to per in the bath). You feel physically I'll and more pain than you knew possible. It is common not to be able to function with the first and sometimes subsequent outbreaks.

OP. Take heart. Although un usual, it is not outside the realms of possibility that it has lain dormant for 5 years. It does automatically condemn you DP to infidelity.
Women tend to get it worse. It is opportunistic (like Shingles) and comes from the same type of strain).
Subsequent bouts will not be as bad. If you need a day off next week. Take it. You have a legitimate reason. Take regular paracetamol and in between Acyclovir , Apply a gently non perfumed moisturiser like Dermol or Diprobase ( cream not ointment). All this may help.
You are ill, not dirty. I would be giving my DO the benefit of the doubt, as it is possible it has lain dormant and worrying about cheating on top of all of this must be eating you up.
It'll get better, promise.

Pee not per!

Just wanted to say that I worked in the emergency department for 2 years not so long ago and we seen LOADS of cases of herpes that people didn't realise that's what it was - most people assumed it was bad thrush! Horribly uncomfortable all the same and I hope you're feeling better soon

It does NOT automatically condemn you Do to infidelity. Sorry for typos. On phone

I have no experience of herpes, but another STI as I contacted warts. I identify with your feelings of horror, re stigma, feeling tainted etc. I promise that in a short amount of time you will feel A LOT better about it than you do now. I found it helpful to tell some friends because until I did it gave it the status of being a big dirty secret whereas people reacted in a helpful way and were supportive and having talked about it normalised it a bit.

I am single so have the prospect of having to tell any future partners about it; not something I'm looking forward to but I'll deal with it!

As the physical symptoms lessen it will be easier to deal with the mental aspect.