I'm exhausted

[xsarahmelx]

Hi just a bit of a rant I have been with my partner for 9 months everything always good but I sometimes feel like he wants more from me, if I don't text him back straight away he tells me I make him feel second best, when I go to work he always throws in digs about going to have fun and not bothering with him, and that the men in work just want to fk me and I love the attention. I am anxious and not confident and when we went out to a party one night I wore a slightly low top which showed abit of cleverage and when we got to the party I spent the first hour worrying about how I looked, I didn't no anyone so felt out my comfort zone and used my hair to hide my clevrage, the night went on I drank some wine and felt slightly merry which made me forget all my worries that I didn't need to feel as my boobs where not out the top was just lower than I'm used to, myboyfriend decided to tell me that a lad (behind me) was looking over at me and kept saying I was ok now and I wasn't hiding myself with my hair because I loved the attention which was a shock as I hadn't noticed anyone looking at me, I told him to stop being silly and enjoy our night together so went to carry on picking about how he feels like a d**k now cuz of that lad looking at his girl, we went to town and it carried on so i said we was going home, he says he's sorry and feels insecure and can't believe what he has and that's why he feels like this, we had a talk about babies recently we have 5 between us and none together but he says he wants one with me I have agreed in a year maybe but it's too soon and I like having some time for us, I then get called selfish and what about what he wants as he's 36 now and doesn't want to wait another year or so, he then tells me I only want my 2 kids and that's all that matters to me and constantly puts me down, even tho I tell him daily I Iove him, I show him affection, we have regular and great sex which he moans about saying we should have it more, and I try my hardest to make him feel good but it's like he won't except it that I want him and no one else but he is a very negative and depressing person for eg I will say I'm just going to text my sister and he will say hmmmm u won't just text me will you, he nags and picks and then is normal for a while then he is a pleasure to be around, there is no telling him because he will say you have started this and won't leave it and when I then feel upset and annoyed with him I don't want to be by him then and he will use that against me and say see u don't want me u don't want me to touch u I should be aloud to go near my girlfriend.... arggggg are all men this bloody deluded

Nothing good there. Controlling man who doesn't respect you. You're a fool if you stay with him another day. Seriously.

I could go out in a boob tube and hot pants and my husband would wish me well. He's treating you like property.

Read your post like it's stranger's - does that sound healthy to you? Seriously?

No, not all men are like this.

Some of them aren't possessive, controlling, manipulative and nasty.

Why would you stay with him. He sounds vile

Ranting is all very well and good but it will not make this go away.

If this is what he is like after 9 months he is well and truly on his way into grinding you down completely and dragging you down with him.

No, not all men are this deluded at all but this man is more than just deluded, he is abusive towards you. You need to get this person out of your day to day lives and he won't go quietly. This does not mean you should stay with him, the freedom from abuse will be worth it. Such men like this do NOT change. Abusive men can be nice sometimes but this is all part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. Do not enter into any joint relationship counselling with him, it is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what needs of yours is he meeting here?.

Do not for the love of all that is good have a child by this person!!!.

Things are only good for him, they are certainly not good for you at all.
His behaviours towards you are abusive because he is wanting absolute power and control over you. Controlling behaviours like this are abusive. He probably couldn't do enough for you in the beginning did he; this is how such men operate to draw their victim in.

Why are you together at all?. This is not a relationship you should at all be in. He is trying to control you by both words and actions.

He is also a crap example of a male role model for your children to witness as well.

I would suggest you contact Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. This individual targeted you because he sensed something within you (poor self worth, crap boundaries) that he can and has indeed exploited.

He sounds very controlling and emotionally abusive if I’m honest.

My man has seen me in TINY dresses with both legs and chest on show and he sees it as me making an effort to look nice for MYSELF, which is what it is or for him.

He knows (and has seen) other guys look but he also knows I’m his and trust me.

are all men this bloody deluded
Nope only horrible controlling men who try to make you feel bad.
Throw this one back.
He's horrible and there are so many red flags here, it's worrying that you need to ask.
Please look on-line at the Freedom Programme.
It's run by Womens Aid and will help you avoid controlling men in the future.

Pick your self-worth off the floor and dump this man. Do not move in with him, do NOT have babies with him. Then do the Freedom Programme or research into why you would stay with a man like this when there are nice men out there who would not treat you like shit. Totally echo PP- he is a nasty controller and you need to get him out of your life, and out of the life of your children.

Controlling dick.
Stop this now. it will get worse, you will spend your life justifying & end up in a miserable existence.
& 4 kids between you is more than enough, he just wants another to nail you

No not all men are like this.

He is controlling and emotionally abusive and this will get worse.

He has serious issues. I'd leave him.

Throw him to the curb so hard he bounces into traffic.

OP this is not normal and it sounds very much like it is him and not you with issues.

In my previous job I worked in a male dominated industry where I would be dressed up to go to events with hundreds of men and a handful of women. I went on work trips alone with male colleagues and DH never batted an eyelid.

DH would only comment on my clothes to tell me if there was a mark or hole in it and would never ever put me down when we are alone or with other people.

He is pulling you down to make himself feel better and that is really unhealthy for you.

You deserve better.

He is, gradually, wearing you down. If he is like this at 9 months, what's he going to be like after two years plus one baby?
And, really, isn't three kids enough for this person?! He is trying to trap you. Don't let him.

Have another child with this control freak and you will be trapped for life.

Is that what you want?

he sounds very controlling! is this really how you want to live the rest of your life! i would definitly not have a baby with this man!

Thank you everyone for your input and concerns, I agree he's being very controlling last night I had my friend round for a catch up and I also did her nails so we talked for hours, he sat in front room and every time I would involve him he would answer but the give me an annoyed look and shook his head, I didn't get what I had done wrong as it's like a guessing game most of the time, when she left it was lovely as I felt on top of the world having a good catch up with my best friend..... I closed the door and returned to my partner for him to tell me I'm a joke, I was shocked again and said what have I done he said I'm planning my life without even thinking about him and arranging things before consulting him, me and my friend talked about going for tea with all our kids and as it's just us girls and kids he's not happy, which totally baffles me as I don't get what the problem is, she also told me that for my big birthday which is coming up soon she wants to take me to a spa he also said over my dead body and again shocked me, we got into an argument and he's told me I just want to go because I want the attention and I want to start going out again, which I haven't been on a girls night out since we got together just to not cause his moods, the spa I said he was going to far now as he should be encouraging me to go and have a pamper but thinks I just want to go and cheat or find someone else, fed up and I'm feeling so hurt all the time, he's picked for past week and we have fell out so he is now saying he can't go near me again and I do this on purpose just so I don't have to sleep with him, I said u have started this and he's that deluded he says no you have done this us,
I live in my own house split up from kids dad 4 years ago after a 9 year relationship 5 years married, I got with a new man and was with him for 2 years, stayed single for a year because I wanted to concentrate on me and the kids and then met my now boyfriend, I knew him 10 year ago but always had partners and now we have got together, I no him well and all his family and he is a lovely kind hearted person, my kids love him and he is brilliant with them and wouldn't say a bad word infront of them so when we are alone that's when I get all the earache, I couldn't bare the kids seing me with another failed relationship as they just see the good parts, he always tells me I won't find anyone that will take on my kids and it makes him think why my last 2 relationships fail which makes my head believe it's me, I can't talk to family and friends because I don't want them to dislike him

Your update is really sad. Now you will feel you can’t have a friend round and can’t go out for your birthday as you will be trying not to upset him.

He sounds very cruel. So what if people dislike him? So what if it’s another failed relationship? Honestly please don’t stay with him. I can see him ramping it up now and he could get dangerous.

Also how embarrassing for your friend. She would have noticed and felt uncomfortable.

Not sure how old your children are but they will also pick up on the looks, the moods, the snide comments even if you say he is not arguing in front of them.

Run, fast and far, he’s a controlling nob - and this is after just 9 months? Don’t get stuck with him for a minute longer

You need to leave him for your kids sake.

What you’re showing them is worse than being single. If you have boys they’ll be picking up on controlling behaviours and thinking it’s acceptable to control women like that and if you have girls they’ll be thinking it’s ok to be treated like this...all subconscious and probably very subtle but you need to leave for their sake.

This is only the start - soon the gaslighting will start - he’ll convince you he’s right all the time and make you start believing another reality.

Do not have a baby with him it’s a control tool to keep you tied to him. Speak to woman’s aid you need some emotional support to get through this have you anyone in real life ? Your parents ? Friends?

He’s really not worth it OP. You have to leave him before he destroys your self worth.

OP sorry to hear about your situation.

You say you that you could not bare for your children to see you fail at another relationship. So you are prepared to put up with this abuse for the rest of your life? Willing to live in misery to save face? If so that could never be a good thing.

You are already changing your behaviour because you fear his reaction. That is the definition of an emotionally abused woman. Get out now.

You don't want your kids to see their poor mum being controlled by an abusive vile controlling asshole.
Because he will start doing this in front of them.
They will see you have no friends or social life as he isolates you more and more.
Take off the rise tinted glasses.
Pick your self-esteem up off of the floor and run fat and fast away from abuse.
Do NOT let this relationship be the one you model to your poor DC.
I dispair sometimes I really do.
Jeez.

I couldn't bare the kids seing me with another failed relationship as they just see the good parts

Better than them seeing you being bullied, and teaching them that it is okay to treat/to be treated this way. You are failing your kids by modelling this for them.

, he always tells me I won't find anyone that will take on my kids and it makes him think why my last 2 relationships fail which makes my head believe it's me,

He is a lying, manipulative bully. Stop listening to him right now. He is trying to control you, and succeeding.

I can't talk to family and friends because I don't want them to dislike him

They will dislike him because he is a bullying twat, and rightly so.

Stop making excuses, put your big girl panties on, and get rid of him right now before he ruins your and your kids life further.

There is no other choice, you can't change a man like this.

My thoughts - EMOTIONAL ABUSE!

Pick at you, erode your self esteem = Control

Being nice to your kids, will put him in a good light and you'll look the bad guy thus alienating you from your kids = Control

He isn't a nice guy OP. Nice guys don't alienate you or control you, they Nuture you.

I totally agree this is abuse. Please do you and especially your kids a favour and tell him to do one! He will not change op. The more you try and please him, the More he will ask of you . You cannot win....

Every time I tell him that I'm fed up and that he has warn me down, I'm exhausted or he's making me feel worthless and I try and end it he starts telling me that all this is because I don't come near him (which I did) when he's like this I won't Go near him, I get told he will make things better and that I need to see how much he loves me cuz I'm so special and he can't lose me, and that me saying I'm ending it is just a way of trying to hurt him and wants To no exactly what he's done and when I tell him he says but U need to show me something aswel