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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm exhausted

63 replies

xsarahmelx · 12/01/2018 12:47

Hi just a bit of a rant I have been with my partner for 9 months everything always good but I sometimes feel like he wants more from me, if I don't text him back straight away he tells me I make him feel second best, when I go to work he always throws in digs about going to have fun and not bothering with him, and that the men in work just want to fk me and I love the attention. I am anxious and not confident and when we went out to a party one night I wore a slightly low top which showed abit of cleverage and when we got to the party I spent the first hour worrying about how I looked, I didn't no anyone so felt out my comfort zone and used my hair to hide my clevrage, the night went on I drank some wine and felt slightly merry which made me forget all my worries that I didn't need to feel as my boobs where not out the top was just lower than I'm used to, myboyfriend decided to tell me that a lad (behind me) was looking over at me and kept saying I was ok now and I wasn't hiding myself with my hair because I loved the attention which was a shock as I hadn't noticed anyone looking at me, I told him to stop being silly and enjoy our night together so went to carry on picking about how he feels like a d**k now cuz of that lad looking at his girl, we went to town and it carried on so i said we was going home, he says he's sorry and feels insecure and can't believe what he has and that's why he feels like this, we had a talk about babies recently we have 5 between us and none together but he says he wants one with me I have agreed in a year maybe but it's too soon and I like having some time for us, I then get called selfish and what about what he wants as he's 36 now and doesn't want to wait another year or so, he then tells me I only want my 2 kids and that's all that matters to me and constantly puts me down, even tho I tell him daily I Iove him, I show him affection, we have regular and great sex which he moans about saying we should have it more, and I try my hardest to make him feel good but it's like he won't except it that I want him and no one else but he is a very negative and depressing person for eg I will say I'm just going to text my sister and he will say hmmmm u won't just text me will you, he nags and picks and then is normal for a while then he is a pleasure to be around, there is no telling him because he will say you have started this and won't leave it and when I then feel upset and annoyed with him I don't want to be by him then and he will use that against me and say see u don't want me u don't want me to touch u I should be aloud to go near my girlfriend.... arggggg are all men this bloody deluded

OP posts:

greenlids · 13/01/2018 09:22

he is a lovely kind hearted person

No - no he isn't. If he was, he wouldn't treat you like this. His behaviour is absolutely awful towards you. He is making you feel worthless and that nothing you do will ever be good enough. Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life?

Go back and re-read what you have written on this thread. If you had an adult daughter or close friend who came to you and told you that her dp was treating her like this what would you say?

Wallofglass · 13/01/2018 09:23

You are allowed to end it. You don't need reasons, you don't need to explain or 'show' him or he will tie you up in knots.

Cambionome · 13/01/2018 09:27

No no no. Don't listen to his controlling bullshit. Run, run fast and run far. This will only get worse.

Costacoffeeplease · 13/01/2018 09:35

How dare he not let you have your own opinion and reasons for finishing with him. Tell him to get to fuck

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/01/2018 09:44

Yet more BS from this guy; he is Room 101 abusive and is straight from the pages of that manual.

Abusive men always but always try and blame their chosen victim for their inherent ills. He does not want you to leave simply because he would then have to put the legwork in to find another victim to rule it over and or otherwise control.

Your own recovery from his abuses of you (and in turn your children who are also seeing this) will only properly start when you leave him.

Such men can take an awful long time, years even, to recover from.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up; did you see similar then too?.

dumbolickous · 13/01/2018 09:44

Bloody hell he's 36? Thought you were talking about some needy teen!
Get rid. He's absolutely not a 'lovely kind hearted 'person. He's a manipulative bastard!
And make no mistake, once he has total control of You he'll turn on your kids.

Khaleesi0 · 13/01/2018 09:58

I had an ex like this - hence the word ex... I spent 4 years with him. It started as comments about my 'tit tops' and escalated from there. I didn't realise my family all knew about his controlling ways as I thought I'd hidden it well, I slowly withdrew from my friends too as it wasn't worth the earache I'd get after seeing them.

He hated me doing or planning anything without him in mind, I used to get the comments about leaving him out.

Please don't have a baby with this man, it's the worst thing you could possibly do. You don't need his permission to break up or have to explain to him why, he just needs to accept that you're not happy and he needs to go.

Good luck, we're all rooting for you!

GertrudeCB · 13/01/2018 10:41

End it. He is a controlling childish knob .

oneggshellsallthetime · 13/01/2018 10:42

Your relationship should NOT be making you feel mentally exhausted!!!

These are NOT the behaviours of a kind and gentle and loving partner.

Better to have a dozen 'failed' relationships than become a mere shadow of your former, true self; living a life with a rock bottom or non-existent sense of self-esteem, plagued by a growing sense of self-doubt.

Please don't minimise the situation in your mind by thinking about the times he is apparently 'loving/kind/gentle' - this is the way he keeps you on the hook. The 'bait'. It is all calculated and all part of the control.

You must be strong and get rid of him. You know things aren't 'right' - you've posted on here.

The fact he couldn't even be nice when your friend was around speaks volumes. He was making you both uncomfortable so you'd think hard before having anyone else around.

He could have left you two to enjoy your evening together, or made an effort to behave. But he didn't. He had to know what you chatted about.

Cricrichan · 13/01/2018 10:51

Run run run run run and don't look back. And thank god he's shown what he's like before you have anything tying you to him. And if he's this bad now, I can guarantee he'll become 10 times worse once he 'has' you. He will isolate you so forget seeing your friends and family. He'll make it so difficult for you to do anything that isn't about him that you'll find it easier not to do it. You'll walk on eggshells and you'll have to second guess everything that you do. Also, worryingly, he may resent stuff that you do for your children that aren't his. Seriously op. Finish with him today and start living again.

Mine isn't as extreme and I didn't realise it until I had a few kids, was dependant on him financially etc but it's hard. The problem is that I do nothing wrong so there's nothing I can change to make it better. Also, I've concluded that he's also projecting. The reason why he thinks men fancy me or that I'm sleeping with other men etc is because he thinks that way. And he is also probably being unfaithful. With his job he certainly has plenty of opportunity. So he's paranoid that I'm doing what he's doing.

nousername123 · 13/01/2018 10:56

He's psychologically abusive and it will only get worse. Please don't have a child with him. He will be a nightmare. You can find someone better OP who isn't a controlling man child x

Darcychu · 13/01/2018 11:06

Wow that is one of my most controlling people ive read about from mumsnet, Ridiculous.

You need to dump him and make sure to tell him why your dumping him (that hes a controlling abusive bastard that needs to learn how to be in a relationship)

FinallyHere · 13/01/2018 11:58

Agree 100% that he is controlling you. I would advise you to start planning to get rid of him right away.

I do not think he deserves to know anything about you or your plans. Stop telling him what you don't like, it gives him the opportunity to formulate a response which to your battered ears sounds plausible. Just get him out, set a great example for your kids of what to do when you are in a bad situation. Don't just put up with it, get you and your loved ones out,

Mix56 · 13/01/2018 12:10

The second guessing is confusing, don't try to guess, or try to make him "come round", he won't.
There is no method so far found for repairing this controlling manipulative behaviour, (unless he decides he wants to, but he won't, why would he, this way he is King)
He is damaged goods.
My honest deep belief, is you say to him, particularly if its your house,
"This is not working for me, you must leave"
Do not be drawn into, why, who's fault it is, who must change.who's right, or wrong.
Stop it.
"No" is a full sentence.

Maelstrop · 13/01/2018 12:52

He’s not lovely or kind hearted, he’s a controlling and emotionally abusive twat. You’re going to work so you can have fun? Is he on glue? Over his dead body you go to the spa? Fuck that, OP, why on earth would you let anyone dictate to you like this? Are you a total doormat? Your kids will grow up thinking it’s normal for one partner to control the other, that’s so wrong.

BendyLikeBeckham · 13/01/2018 13:53

get the fuck out of there OP. run run and never look back. So many red flags here its like a convention of matadors in full regalia.

step away from the abusive bastard. Before it's even harder to do so and you and your kids are permanently damaged.

Nanny0gg · 13/01/2018 13:58

and he is a lovely kind hearted person,

NO HE ISN'T! He's horrible.

And it's only going to get worse.

Please get him wout of your house.

Does he work? What does he actually bring to the table?

sonjadog · 13/01/2018 14:27

This is not a good man. I am sure he has good sides, everyone does, but he is also controlling and he puts you down and makes you feel bad about yourself. Those are excellent reasons not to be in a relationship with someone.

You say you don't want your kids to see you break up with someone again, but wouldn't you rather they saw that you end a relationship that is bad for you, instead of stay in one which gradually erodes your self confidence and breaks your spirit? Wouldn't you rather they learnt that you don't have to put up with horrible behaviour in a relationship, and that it is okay to break up with people who are not kind to you?

Break up with this guy, be on your own for a while while you sort your head about and show your kids that relationships should add new elements to your life, not detract and make you less than you could be.

Merryoldgoat · 13/01/2018 15:09

He's a manipulative bully. I'd rather be single forever than spend even an hour with a man like him.

He's NOT kind. He's NOT lovely. He's controlling and dangerous and you are setting yourself up for a life of misery and one for your children too.

JustGettingStarted · 13/01/2018 15:37

You will never win an argument with him, because his intentions are to manipulate you while yours are to clear the air. So don't try to get him to see that he is wrong. He won't.

When you do dump him, he will change tacks and then admit he was wrong and promise to change. If you stand firm, he will change tacks again, probably to abusive stuff like saying no one else will have you.

All of it is shite and not to be taken at face value.

Bananalanacake · 13/01/2018 15:49

So he stayed in the room while you were chatting to your friend. That's controlling in itself. Normal people would leave you and friend alone for a good chat. Didn't you think that was odd.

Schiaparelli81 · 13/01/2018 15:54

He sounds vile.

Is it your house OP? Please make him leave and move on with your life.

I really would not have children with him. That would be a whole new nightmare.

hellsbellsmelons · 13/01/2018 16:22

I give up.
Live a shit life.
Full of abuse with a controlling bully.
Inflict it s your DC and watch them do the same as you are.
Only YOU can break cycle.
But I'm wasting my breath.
As you were.

Original poster

xsarahmelx · 13/01/2018 18:00

He works full time and has A very unsociable job which then he could go hours without talking to anyone, this is also why he over thinks and needs to hear from me so much through the day, he has his own mortgage and I have mine but stays with me mostly as I have my kids and he has his at weekend, when I tell him I'm not happy he goes in panic mode and excepts what he does and can't be sorry enough, I have gone through the I'll make you happy stage and I've broke his heart. And will ring me constantly begging to forgive him which then I sound like I'm being over the top n am I ending it for stupid reasons

OP posts:

ShawshanksRedemption · 13/01/2018 18:02

Here's what you told us OP:

If I don't text him back straight away he tells me I make him feel second best
When I go to work he always throws in digs about going to have fun and not bothering with him
That the men in work just want to f*k me and I love the attention
How he feels like a d*k now cuz of that lad looking at his girl (the party)
I then get called selfish and what about what he wants (when suggesting delaying having a baby with him)
Constantly puts me down
I will say I'm just going to text my sister and he will say hmmmm u won't just text me will you

And that was just in your first post alone! I haven't even included the spa day comment, your friend being round, etc.

Honest, if you have a DD, if this was her post above, what would your advice be?

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