He's say he will go for join custody if I go ahead with my plans to leave?!?

[potatoes13]

I've recently told my EA, angry horrible partner of my plans to leave with our 2 young children. I would allow him as much access as he wants at his convenience which would allow him to continue his high pressure well payed job. He's saying if I do leave he will go for joint custody (I will have to go back to work full time without maintenance) and put the childcare rather than let me have them???? I think he's trying to blackmail me into staying. He struggles at the best of times looking after them just for a day whilst I work?!!! Help!!!!

Yes, he probably is trying to make you stay with him.

If you normally care for the children while he works FT, a court would likely rule that the status quo for the dc should be maintained - ie. you should be main carer, with him having reasonable access.

I can't see many courts ruling to take dc away from the care of their mother so that the father can put them in childcare.

How far are you moving, and how would "as much access as he wants" work if you move some distance away?

How would he make shared care work?

How much contact does he have at the moment?

Lots of variables, and probably a lot of sabre rattling, but shared care is becoming more common so it's not as unlikely as it may have been years ago.

He's just saying that to make you stay with him. If you leave, I guarantee he' won't go for joint custody.

He’s blackmailing you into being at his beck and call. You’re buying into that by leaving and not having a formal agreement for set times for contact.

He wants the world to revolve around him. If the children are very young it may not be in their best interest for 50/50 shared custody.

I’d call his bluff and agree with him that going for a formal agreement would be best for the children. It would be more predictable for them and do best. It’d also be one less stick for him to continue to abuse you with so best. It’d also deflate his claims and take away his power.

Don't worry about his ranting op. Just get out and work everything out from a safe distance.

I left an abusive man 10 years ago. He said I could go but he'd keep the kids, I wouldn't cope on my own...blah blah blah. I got out safely with them and he was eventually awarded eow in court , he asked for no more than that.

Seek legal advice to protect yourself and try to block out his empty words for now.

Good luck.

Leave anyway, he is definitely calling your bluff, and don't agree to letting him have as much access as he wants "at his convenience". Absolutely no way.

A proper court agreement in the children's best interests is the way forward, not just for you and the children but so he loses any further control over you.

Be strong, you have done the hardest bit by making the decision and telling him.

Yes, he's trying to blackmail you. Very unlikely that will happen if he's working at his 'high pressure' job.

Call his bluff. Also don't tell him any more of your plans. Just go.

can you really imagine him collecting them, arranging the childcare, paying for it every week, taking them to/from school, cooking them dinner, having to stay in to look after them in the evenings.........how likely is it REALLY that this would actually be what happens for more than a few weeks?

Hes just trying to scare you into staying.

Oh, that's nothing but bullshit straight out of the Abusive and Controlling Men's Handbook. They all say that (or say they'll go for sole custody - ha haaaaa) and the percentage of them who even try for it must be about 1%. Actually having the children would throw far too much of a spanner into their busy lives of not really giving much of a shit about their kids.

It's a threat to keep you in line, that's all.

Call his bluff and just leave .
I've just been through something similar , once you call their bluff they have nothing left to control you with .

Thanks all, I've been to nice for far too long, I will only move about a mile away. I'll tell him if he wants joint custody that will be so. He doesn't think I can afford to be on my own either, I'm a nurse so can quite easily go and work 3 night (whilst he's got them!!!!!) and earn enough to live comfortably. Xx

My ex tried this but in reality he simply wasn’t prepared to do what was necessary to parent 50/50 without it interfering with his job.

When it came to it he simply couldn’t have the children 50% of the time as he worked away a lot of the time and started work early and finished late. I changed jobs, and took a pay cut, to allow me the flexibility I needed and got a really good childminder. He wasn’t prepared to change jobs or take a pay cut to allow him to do it. He now sees them EOW which suits us all

I wouldnt rely upon him, at this point to have the children to do your job. Arrange the job as if you were a single parent with no help. Then when he tries to control you by threatening to withhold childcare so you can’t go into work you don’t have to worry.

Don’t forget you can claim up to 70% of any childcare back and you will also be entitled to child tax credit, so you may be better off than you think.

If he works full time and you dont then joint custody seems unlikely as they’d be in childcare when they could be with their mother; also in the uk not many courts are keen on joint custody as it’s so confusing for children.
It sounds like a way to try and make you stay.

Its a classic line tbh.

My ex has said the same many a time and when I actually left he said "Don't think for a second you will have the children, I'll go for full custody". He has barely had them 2 days a week since the split and no overnights he literally does the bare minimum. I think also they say it to hurt you because I know my ex 100% wouldn't cope full time with the DCs, he struggles and gets stressed out after one day and says he can't possibly take BOTH out together (a toddler and 5yo)

My ExH was EA and threatened to have the kids taken off me if I left him. Apparently I was unfit to be a mother. I left anyway. He tried to go 50/50 but it would have been impossible due to him having to work to pay mortgage and debts. He ended up with every other weekend.

Ignore his attempts to blackmail you....just go! Best thing I ever did.

Call his bluff
'DP, I've been thinking about this and 50:50 would work really well for me. I can work more and have hobbies and a life. Let's get it all drawn up legally. I will contact a solicitor to sort it all out next week'

He will hate the thought of you having free time to pursue other interests and other people / friends.
Watch him back pedal massively!!
These EA men always pull this one and they never follow through.
They assume that using the kids against you will have you in knots and doing what ever you can to ensure that doesn't happen.
Wake-up call time for him.
Well done on taking a stand and getting away from abuse.

Absolutely as hellsbells said.

It's a classic bluff, as soon as I saw this my first Q would be 'how much does he do with the kids now'

There are plenty of involved dads who would quite rightly fight for 50/50 for all the right reasons.

Then there are the emotional abusers who use this line to blackmail and frighten you. Without fail, they all 'struggle' having the kids to themselves currently, prioritise their careers, don't pull their weight with the kids and never have.

So you call the bluff and yes watch him back pedal like an Olympic back-pedaller taking gold!

'Yes, about your suggestion of 50/50, on paper this is a good idea and I will be interested to talk it through and see how it could work. That will mean that I can work more and develop my career which will obviously put me in a stronger position. Also I presume we will both in the future have new partners - it would be much fairer for both of us to have equal free time to develop our new lives as well as equal time with the children, sharing the responsibility.'

I would put money on that being the last you hear of 50/50 as the sneers of 'you think I'm playing babysitter so you can go out shagging?' start up instead.

Result: you will have residency :)

They all say this.

Some may even be stupid enough to go to court over it like my STBXH. He hasn’t once ever prioritised the dc over his job. Has maintened he’s the primary carer whilst working 14 hour days. 🙄 He has fought for extra interim contact which I allowed, in reality I lost time with dc and MIL has looked after them whist he continues working long hours.

Final hearing for residency in five days, despite claiming im a danger to our dc, mentally unstable and an unsuitable mother, I’m 90% certain he’ll get EOW and not much more.

You'll get help. You'll manage. Staying is soul destroying. He's calling your bluff.

I don't have the cash to fight in court, what the hell do I do???

Do you really think HE wants to spend a lot of money on courts just to have to spend the rest of his money on childcare and staying in? Its unlikely to be a huge hollywood film court case, its much more likely he is bluffing. Besides that, you are their main carer and he works fulltime at a "high pressure" job, what judge would decide that the best thing for them would be to sit in care instead of with their mum?

He’s bluffing.

You can represent yourself. I know that sounds daft, but for a case that seems as open and shut as this might well be possible? At least it allows you to call his bluff right back at him.