He's say he will go for join custody if I go ahead with my plans to leave?!?

[potatoes13]

I've recently told my EA, angry horrible partner of my plans to leave with our 2 young children. I would allow him as much access as he wants at his convenience which would allow him to continue his high pressure well payed job. He's saying if I do leave he will go for joint custody (I will have to go back to work full time without maintenance) and put the childcare rather than let me have them???? I think he's trying to blackmail me into staying. He struggles at the best of times looking after them just for a day whilst I work?!!! Help!!!!

Take it one step at a time.

Separate and then you can give mediation a go if you feel safe enough.Court is needed if you can't agree in mediation.

He is using this as a fear tactic so I wouldnt rush to say 50:50 just say we will work it out.

I agree that ge's unlikely to want 50:50 as it will impact his life too much.

Make sure you claim child benefit and start a claim for tax credits.Also keep a diary of your childcare vs his.

All abusive arsehole exes make this threat. You're definitely doing the right thing by ending it. Stick to your plan.

Just point out how much 2.5 days of childcare a week, every week is going to cost, 3.5 days of food, half their clothing, extra-curricular etc ... way more than maintenance.

The abusive ones always say this. Call his bluff. Don't give him open access either. Get an agreement in place as soon as possible or you will never be rid of him

Plus- if he does 50/50, you'll have no childcare costs/worries!

It's a classic line, the abusive ex has lost control of you so it focuses on the kids. My ex tried it even tried ringing social services about stupid crap that was closed down immediately. It really is just a line in his the twat textbook.
Move on and don't fall for it. It's easier to say than do. Typically you've been made to feel like utter shite, you've seen through it but they will try to get the last dig in making you feel like a shit mum and that they will provide all this evidence to the court to prove it. No it's playing on all your doubts.
Ss and courts see through it.
Ask yourself, how many men do you know have managed to get sole custody? It's just a wanky threat. And if anything you walking away proves that you are a good mun by taking your kids away from a dysfunctional home environment. He will get eow and a night in the week if he's lucky.
Do not doubt yourself x

10 years on & still get this trotted out when life doesn't suit him. In those years I've told him to go right ahead as I've never stopped contact, has he ever pfffttt.

Keep strong. And don’t react to anything he says, easier said than done. I wouldn’t worry about court just yet, one step at a time. And you will get there. If you do end up going through court you can self rep. if you really have to. Sometimes it’s the only way, not sure if anybody else had the same, but for me he’d not listen to a thing I ever said so coming from a third party is/was the only way.

It really is another line in the shit they throw at you. Yes it's easier to see it in hindsight he's just playing to your worst fears.
99% of men have no intention of going for full custody. I dont even think they understand what it actually means. It really is the last insult they spout.

If you can prove domestic abuse there’s a chance you can get legal aid, although the threshold is getting higher all the time. This is why it’s so important to have a paper trail of any incidents (GP, school etc).

You can also represent yourself in family court if you can’t afford a solicitor.

He's trying to scare you, your situation sounds very familiar to me. Please feel free to message me if I can help, I am a year down the line from where you are now xx

IME, shoeshavesouls is right. Courts tend to err towards maintaining the status quo for the DC. The interests of the children are put ahead of the wants of the parents. Obviously better if the parents can work things out between themselves in such a way that it doesn't end up in court, though...

They all threaten this, Potatoes. My XH could barely lift his arse off the settee at the weekend, so dedicated was he to watching any available sport, yet he said it. Threatened not once, but twice, to get a psychiatric evaluation of me made by the court to assess whether I was a fit mother.

I consulted my solicitor, who said that any such application would be dismissed as malicious and without foundation, and laughed out of court. At that point I told my (STB)XH to bring it on and he never mentioned it again . Be prepared for your husband's next move to be to question your sanity. It's part of The Script.

Adding to the chorus of they all say this but don't go through with it.

You say he can't manage them for a day on their own. I'd bet my house on him backing down. He just wants to control you and make you miserable

Hahaha. As everyone else has said, this is a classic. My abusive ex did the square root of fuck all for DC, when we split he wanted full custody, then he wanted them alternate weeks, then it was all the school holidays. At first I was so scared I was physically sick - I'm not a particularly fussy or overprotective parent but a week in the sole company of my ex would have been awful for the DC. Then I realised what he was trying to do and called his bluff. Agreed on the extra days, with a view to building up more. Well, he never showed up. He came and picked them up for his four hours on a Sunday, but never once followed through on the extra days HE demanded.

Eventually even the Sundays petered out, he would go months without turning up or answering his phone. Very distressing for DC. The last time he phoned (after a 3 month absence) he demanded to take them out the following day, but we were booked to go and see a big event and I told him no, and not to bother contacting me again unless he was willing to stick to regular contact.

Of course this gave him ample fuel to accuse me of "stopping him seeing DC" but he had plenty of money and he was welcome to take me to court. Which he never did.

He has not seen the DC or made contact in any way in almost a decade. During that time I've known friends and relatives go through similar, as well as reading posts on Mumsnet where the man has said the same thing..it's almost word for word the same nonsense as my ex came out with, and in nearly ten years NOT ONE has pursued full custody, or even 50/50. At the most it's EOW. If the DC are lucky.

Custody cases take effort, and they simply don't care enough

I left with my son about 20 years ago. I still remember the horrible times I was trying to explain why I felt I had to leave,not threatening,not trying to take his son and banish him. Just saying it is not going to work and our relationship has no future. His dad grabbed him roughly and held him away from me so our son was reaching for me and crying and screaming. His dad said you can fuck off but there's no way he is going with you. I left with my son and his dad had ZERO interest in any form of custody, hardly bothered with contact. He is using your children to control you.

Plus the previous option to just say thanks, that will mean I can work around you having the kids will work a treat. And you will have free nights for dating.

You won't see him for dust.

Yes my first thought was 'how much parenting does he do at the moment' There's your answer OP. And i'd call his bluff like other PP's have said. He's using the kids as a stick to beat you.

Don't worry about not having money to fight it in court. I bet it won't get near a court. If it ever did, apply for legal aid.

The thing is, he's playing with your mind and scaring you. Once you're away from him, then you can think much more clearly.

My STBXH said he wanted 50/50. ANd also that he wanted to e full time carer once he'd sold his business. He can barely be arsed to stay in the same room with them for more than 10 minutes. He also actually told me he couldn't cope 2 weeks post new arrangement and I'd have to look after them full time. Twat.

OP-what do you think he would say if you said, ‘go ahead!’ ?

I wouldn't say "That sounds great, it will give me time to have a life" as if in the very unlikely event that he carries through his threat, he'll no doubt use that against you ("She told me she was happy to have shared custody, she said she'd be looking forward to going out and meeting other men"). I would respond to any threats like that with:

"I'm sure you'll ask for what you think is best for the children, as will I. If you want to let the court decide, that's fine with me. I think the children will have more stability with an at-home carer, but the courts may feel differently. If they feel your suggestion is better, then I suppose at least I'll be able to move forward in my career and personal life more quickly."

Whatever you say needs to make it clear that you are doing what's best for the children, but if he's going to force the issue, you'll keep getting on with your life regardless.

What vwlphb said. ^
Always talk and write in a business-like way, and always reason things based on what's best for the kids. And always write what you would be willing to be read out in court. (But as others have said - you very unlikely to go to court.)
Be strong, and calm. Look up 'grey rock' - it's good advice for not letting him wind you up.

Ive tried to talk to him this evening and said that I don't think that the youngest (2) would cope with 5 days away from me every other week as he anticipates etc..,,, and that we need to do what is best for the children etc...., but he wasn't interested.

So I took it down to his level and said well it might be nice for me to have some time to myself or earn extra cash, go to the gym or socialite, he's scuttled off upstairs to bed without a word!!!!!! We shall see what he comes up with next???

He's also told me if he has 50/50 custody he doesn't have to pay any maintenance, he earns a good wage and the government calculator seems to say basic rate (halved if he has them 50/50) plus £100ish per week?!?! So he will have to give me something's think. Xx

That's the way to do it OP. Don't have any of his nonsense

I've known two women irl who have divorced men who have tried to pull this trick. It didn't work in either case.

Ypu see there's your mistake OP - don't try talking to him. It's a waste of oxygen. Just deal with him briskly via email. Short and polite.