This is really sad - and I’d appreciate advice to keep me on the right course.
DH and I happily married for 15 years with daughters aged 2-14.
DD1 wrote me a letter at the beginning of the week to say that over the last year she’s been self harming.
DD is autistic and had a tough year at school last year - which I understand was when it flared up. DH was very against getting the ASD diagnosis. It was the worst row we’ve ever had -went on for days full pitched - which wrapped up with him saying ‘I know you’ll do it whatever you want anyway - but please don’t screw up our daughter’.
I showed DDs letter to DH immediately (even though it was addressed to only me - but it’s too big a thing to keep secret from him) but begged him to not react at DD. I came back from the School run, he’d not gone to work, gone back to bed. I hustled him out and we talked for 3 hours - and I haven’t a clue where the conversation went or what he wants to do. For sure lots of big emotions, lots of negativity towards the family and our life, lots about being estranged from the kids and locked out of important decisions with the kids (“no one ever talks to me”). Lots about how this must be a sign of us (read ‘me’ ) having not supported her properly growing up.
Concretely - he thinks this is entirely environmental - furious with School - wants to remove her immediately - wants to cut off her friends - basically very fixed on the idea that there is an enemy somewhere who has negatively influenced his daughter. Lots of “why do I even bother working to support such a toxic lifestyle”.
I then had to collect DD3. He slept the rest of the day, refused meals. I came to bed 10pm, he got up and drove somewhere. The next day he went to work - but lots of messages about how upset and tired he is. He rolled out the idea of his Mum coming to stay. His Mum is lovely - but I can’t help but see it as a reflexive wish from DH to have an ally in the household. (MiL very anti diagnosis too!).
Yesterday I went to GP, today I’m seeing School. I’ve obvisly also spent a lot of time with DD - and there’s a separate health situation running in parallel. I basically told DH I needed to be calm and focussed with DD - and us having this massive row which now feels like it’s about our marriage isn’t compatible with that - so I just need to press pause on the conversation.
In the evening we didn’t speak - but he made a big effort with cleaning the kitchen and assembling a storage unit and stuff... I think he’s trying not to be a dick.
He’s been not really top form all year - a lot of work stress - long hours. Tends to get home after 8pm, said he feels estranged from the family, getting wound up with very vanilla kid stress, fiddling with his phone at meals, not coming to bed until late, yelling at the cat, talking about emigrating because of the ‘state of politics’, gaining weight.
I don’t really know where this is taking us. Every time DDs autism comes up - we have a bigger row. I’m kind of at the point where I’m just cutting him out and doing what needs to be done by myself - but I’m really sad doing this - because I’m not sure where it leaves my marriage. He’s an amazing DH in so many ways (and for such a long time) - but this disagreement is just toxic - and I don’t know how to handle it.