DH and I relationship imploding after DD self harm revelation

[StripeySoul]

This is really sad - and I’d appreciate advice to keep me on the right course.

DH and I happily married for 15 years with daughters aged 2-14.

DD1 wrote me a letter at the beginning of the week to say that over the last year she’s been self harming.

DD is autistic and had a tough year at school last year - which I understand was when it flared up. DH was very against getting the ASD diagnosis. It was the worst row we’ve ever had -went on for days full pitched - which wrapped up with him saying ‘I know you’ll do it whatever you want anyway - but please don’t screw up our daughter’.

I showed DDs letter to DH immediately (even though it was addressed to only me - but it’s too big a thing to keep secret from him) but begged him to not react at DD. I came back from the School run, he’d not gone to work, gone back to bed. I hustled him out and we talked for 3 hours - and I haven’t a clue where the conversation went or what he wants to do. For sure lots of big emotions, lots of negativity towards the family and our life, lots about being estranged from the kids and locked out of important decisions with the kids (“no one ever talks to me”). Lots about how this must be a sign of us (read ‘me’ ) having not supported her properly growing up.

Concretely - he thinks this is entirely environmental - furious with School - wants to remove her immediately - wants to cut off her friends - basically very fixed on the idea that there is an enemy somewhere who has negatively influenced his daughter. Lots of “why do I even bother working to support such a toxic lifestyle”.

I then had to collect DD3. He slept the rest of the day, refused meals. I came to bed 10pm, he got up and drove somewhere. The next day he went to work - but lots of messages about how upset and tired he is. He rolled out the idea of his Mum coming to stay. His Mum is lovely - but I can’t help but see it as a reflexive wish from DH to have an ally in the household. (MiL very anti diagnosis too!).

Yesterday I went to GP, today I’m seeing School. I’ve obvisly also spent a lot of time with DD - and there’s a separate health situation running in parallel. I basically told DH I needed to be calm and focussed with DD - and us having this massive row which now feels like it’s about our marriage isn’t compatible with that - so I just need to press pause on the conversation.

In the evening we didn’t speak - but he made a big effort with cleaning the kitchen and assembling a storage unit and stuff... I think he’s trying not to be a dick.

He’s been not really top form all year - a lot of work stress - long hours. Tends to get home after 8pm, said he feels estranged from the family, getting wound up with very vanilla kid stress, fiddling with his phone at meals, not coming to bed until late, yelling at the cat, talking about emigrating because of the ‘state of politics’, gaining weight.

I don’t really know where this is taking us. Every time DDs autism comes up - we have a bigger row. I’m kind of at the point where I’m just cutting him out and doing what needs to be done by myself - but I’m really sad doing this - because I’m not sure where it leaves my marriage. He’s an amazing DH in so many ways (and for such a long time) - but this disagreement is just toxic - and I don’t know how to handle it.

OP- have a hug
I am going through something very similar my self at the moment.
I am pressing on with liaising with my DS school etc and dealing with it and my DH needs to deal with it.
I have realised that my DH almost certainly has Aspergers as well as DS.
DH doesn’t want him or DS to have a label and is in denial/ minimising all of this.
My view is that , this is my son and a line is crossed and I will do whatever it takes to help my son and DH will have to get on with it.
It’s tough because I am shouldering this alone.
I can see your DD needs emotional support and if your DH is like mine - he just can’t do that and doing DIY is his way
All of this sucks OP and I am wishing 2018 could go and f**k itself already
What support do you have? Friends? Confidants? Hobbies?

middleage hi - it is incredibly lonely shouldering this on your own. Especially when the other parent is obstructive or in denial. You’re right to brace yourself and get the best support for your son. It sounds like you’re doing a great job, just like OP.

You can’t change your DH. Not wanting a label is a stupid argument. A diagnosis (aka ‘label’)is useful, and it unlocks all the support. It doesn’t make life more difficult. It gives you an explanation. Doesn’t solve anything on its own, doesn’t make stuff hurt less, but pretending that you don’t have a problem because you haven’t named it, is just plain irrational. Very frustrating and not worth wasting any more energy on.

It’s like saying ‘If I don’t open my bank statement, then I won’t have an overdraft.’ If you look at it, then you can address it. Grrr! Good luck!

Tinkly I’m sure that the OP’s DH is struggling. Just like mine is struggling too. Or how Hill’s ex was struggling.

The problem is that you can only make so much allowances before you end up dealing with two children rather than one.
As an adult, the adult with AS still has the same responsibilities than the NT parent towards the child.
It could be the same with one parent had serious MH issues or a heath condition of some sort.
Yes you can make some allowances, up to a point. But the person who will always come first is the child/teen. And you can’t allow said allowances to impact negatively into the child (eg not treat the self harming as a serious MH issue because the other parent can’t cope with it).
The balance can be tricky to find. And it’s always hard to see someone you cherish struggling. But it doesn’t mean it’s the child who should suffer.
I say that as someone with a chronic illness, who has an H with some autistic traits (at least), and a child who needed a lot of support and intervention when they were young...

middleage I have a very close mate who's hand held me through the diagnosis and all the meeting and wobbles and stuff.

Only problem is that DH is now jealous and unhappy that she's ended up getting this very privileged status - that I tell her so much and listen to her advice.

I think a lot of us realise that our Spouse is clearly Autistic after our kids go through the diagnosis.. tbh, I kicked myself over it.. my brother has ASD, as do I and my son, and I missed that H had it as well!

At the moment it does sound like he's unhappy and depressed, but, like I told my stbexh that he is a grown adult, he needs to sort his own fucking problems out.. your priority right now needs to be your DD and he needs to suck it up and stfu.

I know that sounds harsh, but your DH's refusal to accept her diagnosis is not going to help her or himself, and I would, quite honestly, read him the riot act, either he gets behind you or he gets lost.

I don’t even know what to say here. So much of your time and mental energy is going into thinking about your husband when at the moment your priority is your daughter.
Is your dd in any counselling?

I got an apology last night.

That's a start to rebuild at least.

VeryStressedMum - she's about to start a block of private OT which I hope will make her generally more comfortable. Seeing CAMHS in two weeks too - which may yield something SH specific.

My DD was cutting herself in Yr7, I was devastated! You do have to be aware though that it is a bit of a thing now, certainly not always a last resort for the semi-suicidal. I think sometimes that my DD wears her scars as bit of a badge of honour tbh.

OK my dd has self harmed, cutting and self poisoning, diagnosed with anxiety and depression and then ADHD at 17 (this was the underlying cause and I had not a clue - but looking back). It started at 15 and she confided in me. She has had therapy, had a consultant psychiatrist. Over 18-24 months must have attended 30+ apts/therapy sessions. Is on fluoxetine, ritalin, has propranolol in the store cupboard. Getting help was an uphill battle because CAMHS didn't want to know and neither did our GP until i read the riot act.

DH is a workaholic and not here much. He is not on the spectrum but has no time for pills or doctors. DD didn't want him to know so he doesn't. I suspect he knows something of it and he knows that I know. I will tell him one day, probably this year. He will handle it once solved. I just knew him well enough to know it wasn't the time and there was a point where we were in too deep to tell. But ultimately I had always to respect my dd's wishes and protect him too. His mother would have encouraged denial too - I am quite sure the family's dirty little secret is that FIL was high functioning aspergers. Never ever acknowledged. And when i look back DH's brilliant middle sister lives a very alternative life and has never had a proper job.

If it's any consolation DD has recovered. It was a roller coaster but I couldn't have handled getting her better and handled having to help DH understand at the same time.

I think it does sound as though you and/or your DH would benefit from some couples counselling. Relate are doing a lot of work with teens now and although tbere is a small charge it is modest compared to others. We found them excellent and I wonder if they could help you all.

Billy I think the 'peer influence' thing was what DH was getting at. The possibility that it was a 'thing' among DD friends rather than coming from DD herself...

Raindrops were CAMHS any use? I've a dragging feeling that despite me doing the 'right thing' getting her in the system - they'll actually do nothing but stir and blame.

CAMHS were useless. Eventually provided a course of counselling with a partner that i could have accessed anyway. Get her down with Heads Together in the meantime.

My advice to any parent dealing with CAMHS is to write after every assessment confirming what has been agreed and what they bave said they will deliver and time frame. Or indeed what they say theyvwon't deliver. When youbwrite reaffirm your contact details, one delay was because they had lost these. If they say they can do nothing note that in writing to their ceo, your gp and your mp and note you disagree if you do and youbwill not be the one held responsible for the consequences. Everything recorded for audit trail. Keep it all professional no first name terms, it's a professional relationship and needs to be kept that way.

Could yr dh have autism...could he of been hiding it all these years,now it's scary close and cant cope

Stripey, I am loathe to say CAMHS will not be any help where you are but IME with ASD Dd they have been a total counterproductive shambles.

I do believe she is now getting the support she needs from CAMHS but it has taken a looooong time, a lot of manoeuvring around their stupid inflexible ‘thresholds’ and complaining repeatedly all the way to the clinical director.

They have written numerous (self protective) lies in her notes which have harmed her ability to get support and they have frequently tried to offload their responsibility by saying stupid things like ‘this is ASD not MH’

In my area their first tier service is basically parenting interventions of a general nature. After speaking to the course provider about whether they were appropriate for DC with ASD and discovering that they weren’t I refused to go on it and requested an ASD specific course. DD was too unwell to access first tier so they discharged her!!!

Lower tier services are provided by junior staff who IMO lack any understanding of ASD. One of them actually told me, while DD was under s136 in hospital for paranoid delusions (the doctors were trying to rape her) and trying to kill herself, that people with ASD can’t have psychosis!

Then she wasn’t able to access higher tier services because she hadn’t engaged with lower tier services.

She is now accessing a psychiatrist and psychologist and is fortunately well enough to engage but they refused to make any reasonable adjustments for her ASD (travelling is a trigger).

I’m extremely angry with them. I threatened to sue them at one point and engaged a solicitor and that is the point when they made an appointment to see a psych.

Now we have gone from one extreme to the other. In the beginning they would only see me, gave bullshit advice re parenting that was general, suggested parenting courses such as triple p and incredible years, I expressed concerns that actually what I felt she needed was actual support for her mental health from a professional that was not me as she was already too dependent on me and I was worried she would begin to feel engulfed.

Now they will not speak to me at all, or with the CIN so they are working in the dark re what the holistic issues are and are only working with her on what she tells them. They have made some stupid assumptions such as that her issues with swearing come from exposure to stuff on the internet rather than as an ASD coping mechanism (it precedes her even accessing the Internet) and they are unaware that we all feel that the main priority is working on her feelings about education and helping her back to school.

They keep writing in the reports ‘mum is confident she can keep her safe’ despite not actually asking me if I am...

But overall I am extremely happy with how the psych speaks to DD and the relationship they have so there is a lot I let slide as the reports they write feed into the CIN structure which is aware of and shares my issues with them.

They don’t really bother to respond to social care or me TBH.

It sounds utterly draining, I really feel
for you.

He's emailed in to work to say he'll be working from home all next week.....

CAHMS varies a lot from area to area (and between individuals). They are over stretched. But at least trying them is the first step.