DH and I relationship imploding after DD self harm revelation

[StripeySoul]

This is really sad - and I’d appreciate advice to keep me on the right course.

DH and I happily married for 15 years with daughters aged 2-14.

DD1 wrote me a letter at the beginning of the week to say that over the last year she’s been self harming.

DD is autistic and had a tough year at school last year - which I understand was when it flared up. DH was very against getting the ASD diagnosis. It was the worst row we’ve ever had -went on for days full pitched - which wrapped up with him saying ‘I know you’ll do it whatever you want anyway - but please don’t screw up our daughter’.

I showed DDs letter to DH immediately (even though it was addressed to only me - but it’s too big a thing to keep secret from him) but begged him to not react at DD. I came back from the School run, he’d not gone to work, gone back to bed. I hustled him out and we talked for 3 hours - and I haven’t a clue where the conversation went or what he wants to do. For sure lots of big emotions, lots of negativity towards the family and our life, lots about being estranged from the kids and locked out of important decisions with the kids (“no one ever talks to me”). Lots about how this must be a sign of us (read ‘me’ ) having not supported her properly growing up.

Concretely - he thinks this is entirely environmental - furious with School - wants to remove her immediately - wants to cut off her friends - basically very fixed on the idea that there is an enemy somewhere who has negatively influenced his daughter. Lots of “why do I even bother working to support such a toxic lifestyle”.

I then had to collect DD3. He slept the rest of the day, refused meals. I came to bed 10pm, he got up and drove somewhere. The next day he went to work - but lots of messages about how upset and tired he is. He rolled out the idea of his Mum coming to stay. His Mum is lovely - but I can’t help but see it as a reflexive wish from DH to have an ally in the household. (MiL very anti diagnosis too!).

Yesterday I went to GP, today I’m seeing School. I’ve obvisly also spent a lot of time with DD - and there’s a separate health situation running in parallel. I basically told DH I needed to be calm and focussed with DD - and us having this massive row which now feels like it’s about our marriage isn’t compatible with that - so I just need to press pause on the conversation.

In the evening we didn’t speak - but he made a big effort with cleaning the kitchen and assembling a storage unit and stuff... I think he’s trying not to be a dick.

He’s been not really top form all year - a lot of work stress - long hours. Tends to get home after 8pm, said he feels estranged from the family, getting wound up with very vanilla kid stress, fiddling with his phone at meals, not coming to bed until late, yelling at the cat, talking about emigrating because of the ‘state of politics’, gaining weight.

I don’t really know where this is taking us. Every time DDs autism comes up - we have a bigger row. I’m kind of at the point where I’m just cutting him out and doing what needs to be done by myself - but I’m really sad doing this - because I’m not sure where it leaves my marriage. He’s an amazing DH in so many ways (and for such a long time) - but this disagreement is just toxic - and I don’t know how to handle it.

He's making all his daughters problems about himself!

Yep I read that as well

He may well be Austria in himself - has he been diagnosed?
Very self centred attitude from him.

Dh didn't think Ds1 had a ASD. Seeing it all written down in the diagnosis letter hit him hard (Dh). I don't think it's that unusual.

There is also the issue that seeing the diagnosis and recognising himself in some of the ‘symptoms’, this means acknowledging that he is in the spectrum too. Which will be doubly hard for him, one because realising you are in the spectrum can be hard but also because he will have been brought up being against said diagnosis.

I think he needs counselling for himself and a trip to the GP to check for depression (his outlook on life in general is very gloomy).

Have you seen the website ‘Different Together’. It’s about relationhsip where one person is NT and the other on the spectrum. They might have some insight on how to handle the situation.
But having said that, I think you are totally right about putting your dd first and looking after her. And putting this issue with your DH aside until you have a better idea of what’s happening for your dd.

I agree with hermione with the caveat that actually you can’t be expected to carry him, make up for his destructive and harmful behaviour, take insults levelled towards you and DD by him AND support DD and since she is a child she should come first.

My father is on the spectrum but never behaved like this.

You can be on the spectrum and still be an arse.

I've never known someone personally who self harms but I know it goes on. My first instinct, if a family member was doing so, would be to read up on it, not fling out ignorant, obnoxious comments.

He hasn't said anything to her.

I told him to not react at all - and he didn't.

This is us talking

I didn't mean to her I meant to you.

First thing that occurred to me was he is on the spectrum himself which would explain why he and MIL are so anti labelling. Worked in schools all my life, problems are no caused by labels but by oarents who fear the labels. There is an epidemic of self harming amongst teens at the moment, but every parent thinks that it is their child and maybe obe other dojng it. The reality is it is not a middle class fad, it is often a response to feeling out if control and unhappy.

Thank goodness your child told you about it. She wants your help. I would ask her if you can both get Dad involved to give you some support. He may find it easier to be inside the tent rather than outside and that would be more constructive for you daughter.

You are right to tell him you need to focus on DD at this time, both of you. Now is not the right time fir a big decision/conversation about your relationship. You are both unhappy because your child is unhappy. There are excellent on lone resources for coming to terms with this issue that are worth all three of you looking at.

Thank you everyone

Can I have another hand hold?

Of course

How are you doing Stripey? My first thought was 'its all about him'.

My DD 13 was self harming a while ago. I'm in the middle of a traumatic divorce and it actually spurred me on to get my kids out of there. My DD begged me not to tell my STBXH because she said in her own words, 'he'll make it about him'

What's your DD's and DH's relationship like as a matter of interest?

I think the other PPs are spot on and you're right to concentrate on your DD and park your DH for now. He's a big boy now. But i might be slightly biased

Ok so he's on the spectrum (you strongly believe). And he's been brought up by a woman who is "very anti diagnosis".

I wonder how that felt, growing up? How much masking he's learnt to do, how much "fitting in" he had to do if no allowance was made for him. I wonder what messages about "having something wrong with you" he imbibed?

What’s going on?
There for a hand hold too.

He's trying - took day off work - doing a big push on .

In the evening - I thought it was 'getting better' - and I stupidly triggered another round.

I have a very close mate (very very close - but that's another thread) - and I asked if it was OK to go to her house in the evening to get a break. It was taken personally as ' you've barely said a word to me in two days - why are you going to talk outside instead' & segued into him saying he was really unhappy I'd even told my mate the situation with DD.

He then said how unhappy he was.

That he feels him and DD have drifted - and that I'm now in charge of 'defining all the rules' about how he can speak to her - by categorically telling him to not confront DD the morning of the letter - and by feeding in all this autism vocabulary that he hates.

He feels that DD doesn't really talk to him - and that he's a bit of an outsider and a spare part in all of this.

Doesn't accept it's a him MH issue. Sees it all as spinning around the autism fracture line.

And acnowledged that it was quite shit for me to be doing so much alone and unsupported on this this week.

He sounds like my H who has some clear autistic traits.
Communication with the dcs has always been fractured, only saved recently by them sharing a special interest with him.
I’m not surprised he is feeling like a spare part.
But he is refusing to acknowledge he is on the spectrum and sees that as pandering to someone, it’s going to make things much harder.

Have you asked him what he wants to do to repair that fractured relationship with his dd? And nope starting to go in a rant about the self harming isn’t going to help. It has to be about soend8ng time together doing something enjoyable.

And how he can be more than a spare part?

My H has actually needed (well still needs) to have things spelled out to him as to what he could do with the dcs that would be helpful.

All that of course doesn’t have to be about autism or the self harming but just about their relationship as a daughter/father.
That way he will feel more involved even if you are still in the driving seat iyswim?

I'm hiding in bed - and the floor is bouncing from hammering from the front room. So having a practical plan has certainly helped something .

I pointed out that DD talks to me because I've made a massive effort over last year in particular with taking her out 1:1, getting into her interests, meeting her friends, doing stuff together etc. He said he's just too busy with work to be able to do stuff like that.

I feel like it's such a positive that DD spoke to me - but it's getting taken almost enviously. I'm so happy that although she says she's self harming - she doesn't have any obvious marks so it can't have taken too much hold ; he's just horrified by the whole concept and says he feels he 'couldn't take it' if it got worse in the future .

I need to regroup and focus on DD and keeping things seeming normal - but it's so counter my normal habits to just ignore DH having this massive crisis.

You won’t be able to look afetr your dd, and yourself (remember you can’t give from an empty cup. Looking after yourself is essential there) and looking after your DH.

Your DH just cannot expect to have a good relationship with his dd wo putting the work in.
Being busy at work is just an excuse. If he is in the spectrum, the 1:1 time with her, gett8ng to know her and be interested in what she likes will probably be quite hard for him. Easier to say he doesn’t have time (aka it’s not his fault).
You can’t fix that for him unfortunately.

He’s making it all about him. Maybe, like others have said, it IS about him in some way.

However....this is not your priority. The problem is that he really does not want to be on your team does he? It seems that quite the worst person to deal with, in co-supporting your ASD DD, is someone who is in denial about their own spectrum traits. You are the enemy here for him. He sees you as either ‘making it up’, ‘going along with’ other enemies i.e. teachers and medical professionals, who are all ‘conspiring’ against him and his views. Obviously it’s not a conspiracy, but he would rather put you in the enemy camp rather than accept that your DD has a lifelong ASD condition. That shows you where his priorities are and it is not helpful, to say the least.

Naturally this is concerning.Because, 1. He can give you no support whilst he is sticking to his denial,a and 2. He is actively working against you, just at the time that your DD needs concerted help.

I think you need to plough on in getting all strands of help for your DD without his support, and consider whether you can put up with him being such a drag on this. Yes, he obviously has serious issues of his own - possibly caused by his own battles with ASD traits -but you can’t sort him out. It could be the deal-breaker if HE doesn’t get help. It may need an ultimatum from you demanding that he takes himself off to the GP and/or ASD assessment for himself.

You are doing the right thing by your DD and her needs come first.

My son was diagnosed with ASD aged 4, about a year after I split up from his dad. I am convinced that his dad has pronounced ASD traits himself, and that his behaviour towards me in the run-up to our split was in some way related. That time was terrible, he was abusive and I had to shoulder all the grief and stress of my son’s diagnosis and condition myself. ExH has never engaged with his son’s ASD. I do all the work with teachers, medics, local authority etc. It is a hard burden...but I often thank my stars that I am not doing all that AND expending huge effort trying to keep an arse of an H engaged and board. I know it would have been a nightmare and I would have shed many more tears.

It’s such a tough one OP. Sorry this has got ever so long, but if he can’t support you on this, you have to go it alone. Do not let him or his obstructive mother get in the way.

Thank you - hermione - and hill for sharing your story

I think Barbarian mum's post is very insightful. I feel quite sorry for your DH. He is struggling here. People seem to stop making allowances for children with autism once they become adults.

Yeah, but it’s not really him that is the priority here. It’s a vulnerable teen who is self harming and has just been diagnosed with ASD.

Of course it is sad that there are many older people on the spectrum who were never diagnosed and may be struggling with life but it is also true that being on the spectrum isn’t the same as being an arse.

There is no room in the OP’s life ATM for feeling sorry for her H and it’s pointless anyway. He needs to stop feeling sorry for himself too and actually do something to make it better, even if it is just asking OP or anyone else for help.