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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Getting ones own back

92 replies

KnittyNattyNoo · 10/01/2018 18:42

Ive been inbed -ill with flu -and have been on MN as its a great time waster! All these threads about the OW made me think about my ex and his OW over 20 years ago..Anyhow I found her on Facebook and had an urge to message her and tell her I'd been sleeping with her husband - who she looks very happy with along with 2 lovely daughters.

She ruined my life, and I so want to ruin hers...stop me someone...!

OP posts:

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 12/01/2018 13:52

I support your desire for revenge but not like this cuz of the kids and husband.

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 12/01/2018 13:53

I dont think you sound crazy btw

constantchange · 12/01/2018 13:53

Or, iron, we have had failed and/or shit relationships, but we're sane enough to realise that destroying multiple other people's lives in "revenge" is 1) Petty 2) Pointless 3) Unhinged

StormTreader · 12/01/2018 13:58

He didnt have to have an affair with her. He didnt have to leave for her. He chose, and chose, and chose to get to that point. The hate youre feeling should be directed at him.

IntoTheFloodAgain · 12/01/2018 14:01

But its 20 years later @iron. At some point people have to move on and take responsibility for their own happiness and not keep blaming others.

BitOutOfPractice · 12/01/2018 14:04

Is her husband your exH?

sirlee66 · 12/01/2018 14:07

How long were you with this guy before he left you for another women?

If you were married and had been together for years and years... Then I'd almost want you to get revenge...

If you were only together for a few months then... The guys a scum bag and I'm sorry that it happened to you but at least you found out what a scummer he was if he would cheat on you. Especially while you were preggers!!! In that case, leave them alone to live out their stupid slutty lives. He'll cheat on her (if he hasn't already) and karma will do the revenge for you.

GeriT · 12/01/2018 14:30

I'm sorry you feel the way you do.

Just think back to how you felt 20 years ago - would you really like to inflict that on someone else.

I know I wouldn't wish what I am going through on anyone.

Myheartbelongsto · 12/01/2018 16:54

I'd do it.

First I'd get won personal details like car reg and mention that when I told her.

I'm not batshit.

Myheartbelongsto · 12/01/2018 16:55

But its inflicting it on the ow. Give her a taste of her own medicine.

constantchange · 12/01/2018 16:58

Jesus, what sort of shitty world would we be living in if we all sought revenge for every wrongdoing we had done to us?

Redguitar2 · 12/01/2018 17:01

I dont think you sound crazy btw

Really?! 20 years later and OP is still vengeful and full of anger? Wanting to destroy a happy family? That isn't crazy?! Jeez there are some nut bars around today!

Guavaf1sh · 12/01/2018 17:05

Revenge is horrible and you sound very unpleasant. Doing this 20 years later adds another layer of crazy to it. An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth makes the whole world blind and toothless

fpurplea · 12/01/2018 17:38

OP, it's been 20 years. I get it. I'm the world's worst ruminator, I can detail grudges from 20 years ago. I still FB stalk people sometimes, but that's it. They are not responsible for how I feel anymore, I am, and 20 years later, so are you. If you were old enough to have a husband and three kids 20 years ago, you're old enough now to pull on your grown-up pants and work on dealing with this better.

It's a great fantasy, but it is no way a great idea. On two extremes of the spectrum, she'll either believe you and they'll break up, in which case you'll have a momentary thrill of watching the carnage unfold, and then end up wracked with guilt as you see another innocent family going through what you went through. On the other end, they'll laugh it off together, a bit of detective work gives them your name and they can potentially accuse you of harassment, while smushing your name into the mud for your nutjob antics.

Anyway, do you really want to be that homebreaking woman, OP? Even as pretend?

statetrooperstacey · 12/01/2018 17:52

Just actually shag him. Don't bother with the postcard.

Fitbitironic · 12/01/2018 23:27

Jesus, what sort of shitty world would we be living in if we all sought revenge for every wrongdoing we had done to us?
Maybe ppl would think twice about being a shit in the first place?

hollowtree · 12/01/2018 23:35

When I was pregnant I was basically Hitler so I would have just gone mental at the time and been so much worse than you.

20 years on It would have festered and I would be wors again.

Try not to do it because you deserve the moral high ground. But if you did it I wouldn't judge you

hollowtree · 12/01/2018 23:36

Still try not to though

Iwouldmarrythebeast · 13/01/2018 09:50

Great fantasy. And that’s what it needs to stay as. Think how this could unravel for you, you could potentially end up with the police getting involved.

Walkaboutwendy · 13/01/2018 10:28

It's a cowardly way of taking revenge. If you've got something to say to her about the pain she caused then say it direct. Don't hide behind poison pen letters.

Angelf1sh · 13/01/2018 10:45

You need therapy OP, it’s been 20 years ffs and I speak as an expert grudge holder. Even still having the fantasy of it 20 years later is beyond unhealthy.

Anyone who thinks that this is a good idea should also get the name of a therapist.

Offred · 13/01/2018 11:09

Maybe ppl would think twice about being a shit in the first place?

That’s basically the thinking around having the death penalty for murder. It doesn’t work.

Generally people believe they won’t get caught doing bad stuff or that the stuff they are doing is not really that bad or that other people who get punished are bad people but that they are not.

Fitbitironic · 13/01/2018 11:17

Anyone who thinks that this is a good idea should also get the name of a therapist.

Thanks angelf1sh. The only reason I need a therapist is due to dp's shitty attitude and behaviour though. If someone sent him a poison pen letter letting him know how horrible he's been (as he hasn't taken it onboard from me, seems another view might hold more weight with him), I'd be quite happy with the that. Not quite the same situation, but it irritates me that some ppl seem oblivious to how their bad behaviour impacts on others. It doesn't seem right to me.

Fitbitironic · 13/01/2018 11:19

offred I was thinking more along the lines of if you cheat, prepare to be named and shamed as a deceitful and untrustworthy person to everyone who knows (of) you. I get your point about the death penalty though.

Emboo19 · 13/01/2018 11:21

I think this is a really unhealthy way to feel 20 years after the event! Sorry Op, but I think you need therapy or something.

But then I don’t get the ‘ruined’ life part either. Of course anything like that would have an effect and change your life. But ruined it, why exactly was it ruined?
You found out what kind of man your ex really was and got rid. I’d consider that improved not ruined.

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