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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Angry at SIL

61 replies

Champagneandthestars · 10/01/2018 10:37

DH's brother has been recently freed from prison after serving 3 years (sentenced to 8) for possessing indecent images of children, sex with a 13 year old boy and making indecent images.

When he was first arrested BIL asked if he could stay with them (as not able to stay with his mum due to her location) SIL rightly put her foot down and said no. He is now out (after reoffending in prison so not a changed man) and he lived in their house for a week and spent Christmas with them! They have 2 girls, we have 2 boys - I feel like they think it's ok to have him round their girls as he offended against a male.

It feels like the whole family think we are unreasonable for not allowing our children in the same house as him. The girls have even expressed 'oh he's harmless'. I think if they had boys their outlook would be different and it really upsets me that they think they're 'all right' because they have girls and that we are unreasonable!

I feel most angry at SIL that she has allowed this to happen I feel to be 'a cool wife' who does whatever her husband asks. It's really made me dislike her. Where do we go from here?

OP posts:
another20 · 10/01/2018 10:49

Does the parole allow this? I would report it.

NeilPetark · 10/01/2018 10:52

I would have no issues with reporting this.

WatchingFromTheWings · 10/01/2018 10:57

Definitely report.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/01/2018 11:03

As others have said he's probably breaking his parole conditions here.
Report it.
And do NOT allow this vile man near your children.
And anyone who doesn't like that can fuck off quite frankly.
I'd be angry too OP.

Original poster
Champagneandthestars · 10/01/2018 11:09

He got in trouble for staying there - not enough though! They don't know about Christmas. They minimise his crimes horrendously and at family gatherings very much feel that we are preventing everyone being together. He sent us a Christmas card this year ffs. He never has before!

OP posts:
Ilovecamping · 10/01/2018 11:09

Stand your ground, adults concerned appear not to be protecting the children whatever sex.

Original poster
Champagneandthestars · 10/01/2018 11:11

I worry his MIL would allow contact behind our back. It's made me completely lose trust Sad.

OP posts:
ChaosNeverRains · 10/01/2018 11:11

Yep I’d definitely report and would refuse to have anything to do with any of them ever again. Someone who accepts a sex offender back into their life is as bad as the offender in my opinion and I wouldn’t trust their judgement with regards to keeping my children safe either.

But tbh it surprises me how many women there appear to be who stick by these lowlife scum. Only recently was having a conversation with someone who has a friend whose husband went to prison for similar offences and who has proclaimed that she loves him and that she will stick by him no matter what. She has been pretty much disowned by all her friends and even her child’s friends’ parents have refused to allow their children to go round to the house any more even though the dad is in prison.

What is wrong with these women?

Original poster
Champagneandthestars · 10/01/2018 11:13

To clarify, SIL is not married to offender, she is married to his brother, DH's brother.

OP posts:
regularbutpanickingabit · 10/01/2018 11:14

You need to report this, regardless of the fall out. There are likely to be stringent bail conditions and I highly doubt staying in a house with children for a week are included as being ok.
The worst for you will be family cutting you off. That's upsetting, of course, but most definitely better than the alternative if you end up complicity in his reoffending. Family blindness seems to be a common trait when an offender is released. For some crimes that blindness might be understandable and even excusable. For sex crimes against children? Nope. Never.

letsdolunch321 · 10/01/2018 11:15

Report & cut all contact with the family.

If DH wants to see the family, I would say “fine, you see them on your own as me & dd’s won’t be seeing the family

Mxyzptlk · 10/01/2018 11:15

Where do you go from here?

Report him for the contact he is having with children and keep your own children away from him.

Others' attitudes are their own affair and it's unlikely you can change them so all you can do is protect your own family. And if others don't like it, too bad for them.

Original poster
Champagneandthestars · 10/01/2018 11:17

They genuinely think it was an equal relationship between BIL and child, at worst he was entrapped by child Shock. Child's mother has been blamed Hmm. They were in court - we only found out from a newspaper the extent of the crimes and images. We are very much seen as the 'squares' of the family and have only just got back in contact after 10 years so it makes it difficult.

OP posts:
Mxyzptlk · 10/01/2018 11:20

And the indecent images? Another innocent mistake?

Keep well away from anyone who thinks this is okay.

What does your DH think about it?

mamas12 · 10/01/2018 11:23

Yep definitely report them all
Unfortunately the who,e family sounds like they are in the midst of cognitive dissonance
When you report could you also ask if the family need some kind of education courses especially their little girls. For all everyone knows they might have been victims but unable to speak out like I was
There is a reson these men are. It allowed around children because they will almost always reoffend

ChaosNeverRains · 10/01/2018 11:23

Well, if they/you have been nc for the past ten years I’d just go back to the status quo. It’s not as if there are close relationships to lose here, and the mil obviously already doesn’t really have a relationship with the GC from your side so I’d be inclined to keep it that way.

Oh, and report to whoever it is one reports to police? SS? All of the above?

regularbutpanickingabit · 10/01/2018 11:24

Geez. It gets worse. Please please don't waste any more time wanting to be liked or included by this family. There was a reason you weren't in touch for 10 years - what made you get back in touch?
To blame a 13 year old boy child for entrapment?? Have you met many 13 year old boys?? Seriously. This is appalling. Please report, you may well be saving another child or more from the actions of this hideous man and his family.

Situp · 10/01/2018 11:28

Report it.

OP you have one overriding responsibility here and that is the safeguarding of your children and those children you interact with.

Do not let any concerns over family politics or other peoples feelings get in the way of this.

He is an adult who made choices for whatever reason and his needs or wants should not in any way be more important than the protection of children who may be put at risk.

Wakeuptortoise · 10/01/2018 11:29

I would keep my dc well away. Forget what these people think of you and yours. I would also take steps to try and protect those little girls. They appear to have been or being groomed to accept this sex offender. They are all willfully ignoring hos offences. So what if you are a 'square'? I would rather be a square than complicit in allowing a serial predator near any children.
They sound like a bunch of arsehole and not my sort of people if they call you names and can't accept you are different.

FizzyGreenWater · 10/01/2018 11:32

Wow, report and time to go no contact again.

You really want these people and their outlook ANYWHERE near your children as they continue to grow up?!

Andrewofgg · 10/01/2018 11:33

Report; he is probably in breach of his conditions of licence. But in any event keep your sons away from him. To hell with their feelings.

MinorRSole · 10/01/2018 11:36

I agree with pp, back to nc is going to be the least stressful option. This is a whole sorry mess you don't want your dc's mixed up in.
Pretty telling that they are defending him and blaming the child. They all sound vile - run for the hills

KarmaStar · 10/01/2018 11:37

Stick to your guns OP
I'm pretty sure he should not be near any children and is in breach.
Speak to your local police.
Act now before he does an innocent child some harm

wrappedupinmyselflikeaspool · 10/01/2018 11:39

Stand your ground OP. I am a survivor of CSA who has written a book on the subject and I can tell you that even now I encounter people that minimise the danger that abusers pose and act as though its an overreaction to try to stay safe. What rubbish! Are they saying that everyone should wait until they are assaulted before they take any action? You wouldn't take that approach to crossing the road, would you? Look both ways and proceed with caution.

It's ok to err on the side of caution with your children and yourself. It docent matter what they think, though I know its really hard to stand up to people like that. But they are the fools, not you. You don't need their approval.

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 10/01/2018 11:40

Wow Shock

So... just to make sure I got it right.

Your DH’s brother has been convicted for images of child sexual abuse, taking these kinds of images and sexual acts with a child. He only got 3 years ( Angry ), then reoffended and your DH’s other brother and SIL let him be around their children?

Yes, report them (anonymously?) I probably wouldn’t go no contact because I’d be very afraid for their children...

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