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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How bad is this - cheating?

75 replies

Guiltyconscience90 · 09/01/2018 00:19

Last weekend after a night out I shared a taxi with friends, me and a married friend in the back seat and he spent the whole journey stroking my thigh/crotch.

I didn't do anything but didn't push him away and now i'm feeling terrible that I let him do it. How bad do you think that is?

OP posts:

LellyMcKelly · 09/01/2018 00:30

Pretty bad. Don’t let him do it again.

Royalcoronation · 09/01/2018 00:33

You have to ask?

MrsHathaway · 09/01/2018 00:42

Was he cheating? Possibly.

Was he assaulting you? Also possible.

Are you ok, OP?

GertieMotherwell · 09/01/2018 11:05

Are you asking if he was cheating or you?

hellsbellsmelons · 09/01/2018 11:44

Well don't let him do that again.
What a creep.
Slap his hand away and tell him to back off.
But if you liked it and would like things to go further then you have whole other thing going here.

yawlinhere · 09/01/2018 14:55

If you were both drunk maybe it was a bit of a "thrill" naughty thing for you both. Yes arguably he assaulted you if you didn't want it to happen, although in the moment maybe you also were wondering about it.

He may well regret it, keep a close eye on him next night out. Not too close an eye that he thinks you're interested though....

ShatnersWig · 09/01/2018 14:58

Why did you let him continue?

thoroughlymodernmilly · 09/01/2018 15:20

Oh god, this happened to me on NYE, and I've been stressing about it ever since. Good friend, not married but in a long term relationship with the mother of his children who was in the other room. I was too shocked to stop it immediately, and then someone else entered the room and he stopped. I'm sure I would've stopped him once my stupid, drunk brain had caught up with what was happening.

I don't know what to do about it, really. I think he's very unhappy in his life at the moment (he spent the entire day moaning about everything and anything), and I worry that in the wrong set of circumstances he could end up blowing up his life just to feel something 'good' in that moment. I want to reach out to him and help him work out whatever is going on with him, or at least prompt him to realise that this isn't okay. But I'm nervous because it could potentially create a rift in our relationship, a relationship I think we both value. Certainly the easiest thing to do would be just to let it go and pretend nothing happened and that everything is normal next time we see each other. Ack. Being a grown-up is hard.

Original poster

Guiltyconscience90 · 09/01/2018 16:37

I feel bad because although I didn’t do anything and don’t think I encouraged it I didn’t stop it either. I think he would have stopped it if I had stopped him.

Definitely not wanting it to happen again.

I meant does it mean we both cheated.

OP posts:

Angelf1sh · 09/01/2018 16:41

Why would you have cheated? You didn’t invite it and seemingly didn’t want it. Sounds like you were sexually assaulted to me.

Thymeout · 09/01/2018 18:45

He spent the whole journey stroking her thigh and Op did nothing to stop it. How is this sexual assault?

I'm not sure about the definition of 'cheating' but I'm pretty sure their partners wouldn't have approved.

annielouise · 09/01/2018 18:47

Were you scared to stop it or froze? Conversely did you enjoy or get a thrill from it? You don't say how you felt so we can't determine if it was assault or two people thrown together after a few drinks with their boundaries down.

Angelf1sh · 09/01/2018 18:55

Thymeout, she says she definitely doesn’t want it to happen again and (possibly I’m reading this in) it sounds to me like she didn’t want it then. Not articulating the word no doesn’t confirm consent.

Thesmallthings · 09/01/2018 18:59

I'd say for you it wasn't cheating. You didn't plan it and don't want it to happen again.it sounds like you where to shocked and or felt akwardnto stop. How long of a ride was it?

Snowman123 · 09/01/2018 19:22

I'm assuming alcohol was involved? Sounds like a combination of alcohol and not thinking straight put you in a position you regret.

If your not single, think about why you didn't reject his advances?

Then put it behind you & move on. Don't beat yourself up.

wagil · 09/01/2018 19:25

Were you sort of enjoying it? I can't tell from your posts.

PinkChestnut · 09/01/2018 19:28

Yes I would say it is cheating

monkeywithacowface · 09/01/2018 19:29

Sounds more like sexual assault than cheating

Original poster

Guiltyconscience90 · 09/01/2018 19:44

It was about a 10 minute journey maybe a bit longer.

It doesn't sound clear because I'm confused myself. At the time it felt ok I wasn't scared or alarmed (we had both been drinking) and I don't think of it as him assaulting me but now sober I regret not stopping him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Guiltyconscience90 · 09/01/2018 19:46

I am friends with his wife so feel guilty

OP posts:

Angelf1sh · 09/01/2018 19:56

Ok then no it doesn’t sound like an assault then.

PerfectlyDone · 09/01/2018 19:58

He at best behaved inappropriately, at worst assaulted you.

HE should be feeling guilty, not you.

Consider telling his wife, but be prepared that she might bite your head off...

My mind always boggles when I read on here about these situations: why would anybody think that that kind of an advance would be in any way, shape or form welcomes?! Far too many people with dicks are dicks

PerfectlyDone · 09/01/2018 19:59

I don't think of it as him assaulting me but now sober I regret not stopping him.

This is one of the problems with alcohol: it disinhibits us enough to do things we would not normally do. Problem alcohol drinking comes waaaaaaay before physical dependency.

mindutopia · 09/01/2018 20:05

Unless you are in a relationship with someone, you specifically didn't cheat. He did. It's not your responsibility to police his behaviour. That's gross on his part, especially if in retrospect it made you uncomfortable. But he's the one who's cheating.

Original poster

Guiltyconscience90 · 09/01/2018 20:32

would anyone actually want to know if this was their husband? I don't think I could tell his wife it sounds so pathetic to say 'he stroked my leg' and don't think it's worth upsetting her over

OP posts:

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