How bad is this - cheating?

[Guiltyconscience90]

Last weekend after a night out I shared a taxi with friends, me and a married friend in the back seat and he spent the whole journey stroking my thigh/crotch.

I didn't do anything but didn't push him away and now i'm feeling terrible that I let him do it. How bad do you think that is?

He's the kind of creep who strokes a woman's leg regardless of invitation. You have that information and it's totally up to you what you do with it.

I'd certainly avoid being alone with him again.

Probably hasn't done it to just you. He sounds like a creep.

You'll most likely lose both of them as friends if you tell her.

I would stay far away from him in the future.

Regret is not assault. Did you say no? Did you push him away? You stated you let him, throwing around accusation of assault is VERY serious.

Would you be ok if your husband did something similar? Would you want him to tell you?

Yeah, letting another dude feel you up is pretty bad.

I don't think its assault, but I do think you should look at WHY you didn't push his hand away or tell him to stop. Do you have trouble saying "no" and is that something you should work on? Did you like it and that's why you feel guilty?

But take personal responsibility for yourself and your part in it, and don't make the same mistake twice.

He probably wants to have an affair with you. You said crotch as well which I hadn't noticed before. That sounds pretty full on. And you didn't say anything, so he's probably thinking you liked it. Better let him know!

When I was younger, I would have had problems with saying no to this. I was also much less inhibited and flirty when I had a drink so I could have given very wrong signals. I could imagine this happening to me a good few years ago and doing nothing. It may well be that he is also feeling bloody stupid and his inhibitions were down. Although he may also be doing it to other women. I’d let it go tbh and take the learning. But also make sure he is aware there is not going to be a repeat performance.

Your failure to remove his hand will likely have given him the signal that you could be up for an affair, so be on the alert next time you see him and be firm with him!

With regards to cheating, you haven't done anything other than be a deer in headlights. He on the other hand is clearly a cheater. Yes alcohol lowers the inhibitions etc. but that is not an excuse.

I expect he could talk his way out of a drunken, back of taxi, leg stroking though; so I probably wouldn't mention it at this point.

On the flip side, as a wife, I would want to know.

I think we ought to be careful telling OP what she should have done in that moment. Freezing is a completely normal response to an unwanted situation.

Also (and in the current climate I'm surprised this needs saying) women are socialised to appease and accommodate, not complain or hinder. It can be really difficult to flout those "rules".

If OP did nothing, it proves nothing. She's obviously feeling awful about it now and I don't see how "Why didn't you just" is at all helpful (as opposed to "if you find yourself in a similar situation in future you could try").

I think we ought to be careful telling OP what she should have done in that moment. Freezing is a completely normal response to an unwanted situation.

Also (and in the current climate I'm surprised this needs saying) women are socialised to appease and accommodate, not complain or hinder. It can be really difficult to flout those "rules".

If OP did nothing, it proves nothing. She's obviously feeling awful about it now and I don't see how "Why didn't you just" is at all helpful (as opposed to "if you find yourself in a similar situation in future you could try").

Entirely agree with MrsHathaway, it's all very well saying the OP should have pushed his hand away or said no but when you're in that situation and are taken by surprise by someone feeling you up when you don't expect it, it is common to freeze up, especially if you have been drinking which would slow down your normal reactions/thought processes. Telling people how they should have reacted is massively unhelpful, I always thought I would scream blue murder and kick someone in the privates if they touched me until I did end up being assaulted one day. My reaction then was fear and I froze. I then thought the whole thing was my fault for not forcefully getting rid of him. The guy who felt up the OP sounds like a total creep.

I didn't say she should have done something different. I said she should look at why she did what she did so that she'll have the power to do something different next time (because she doesn't seem happy with her response). Figuring out that you want to say "NO" is very empowering.

I'm not sure why so many people jump on the "it was assault" band wagon. May be it was. May be she was too drunk to think clearly or give consent. There isn't enough in the post to tell.

May be it was fun. May be she's a little hot for him. May be the reason she didn't stop him was because she was enjoying it, but in the light of day knows what a bad idea it was.

Who knows? Lots of options. There are a lot of details missing (which is fine, it's personal stuff).

The OPer isn't happy with how it all turned out, so it makes sense to take steps to not have a similar experience again.

By the way, I'm a sexual assault survivor. I think that figuring out if you need to work on saying "no" or if you were having a bit of fun is really important.

I was young and completely passive. And I grew up and learned to be very, very clear. I think that as women we do need to be very clear.

As much as it is bullshit for men to assault women, I also think it is bullshit for women to go along with things, regret it the next day, and call it assault to relieve their personal responsibility.

women are socialised to appease and accommodate, not complain or hinder. It can be really difficult to flout those "rules".

yes it can, which is why figuring out if you need to work on saying NO is important. Part of this depends on if you think women are inherently weak, or if we have real strength. I found my strength.

I don't think I'd tell her.
I would probably talk to him and tell him that he's not to do anything like that ever again and if he does you will tell his DW.

OP in fact DID nothing. She did NOT invite this man to stroke her body. He PRESUMED he could touch a women's body without premission. He also knew she more than likely would not stop it
Imagine the confidence to reach over and stroke a persons genitals...quite casually. In silence no doubt.
He also was confident she would say nothing as is often the case with this sort of creepy bastard.
Any woman touched like this is probably worried what the next step might be if you say or do anything. Usually just sit there and hope it is over quickly.
Did she reciprocate by stroking his gentials?
Not from what she says.
Did she enjoy it?
She sounds confused
He has taken advantadge. Sounds like a sleazy fuck.
If he has touched your gentials without your absolute consent then it is assault. Your body is private and not simply available because you are a bit pissed and he is an entitle fucker.

And another thing...I could give you a solid guarantee this man is not sitting around wondering if he has been cheating, whether OP is upset about his behaviour and most likely, least of all whether his wife would be hurt about his carry on.
And this sounds like a technique he has used before given his cool confidence. Likely there has never been an outcome before either.
Perhaps its time to change that.

If he has touched your gentials without your absolute consent then it is assault

Never once, in all the lovely and consensual sex I've had, has there been a pause when the man said, "may I touch your genitals?" Do others honestly have this conversation? Really? Please tell me about it.

It seems to me that people read each other's cues, which leaves room to misread, which is one should strive to be clear.

Hipnewname If sitting in the back of a cab with a friend with no suggestion of sex anywhere, is it presumed her genitals are available. To casually reach across and touch her?
Its good to hear that all your experiences with sex have been problem free and nice. It is not the case for everyone and to presume otherwise is a bit blinkered.
And yes I have been in more than 1 consensual situation with a new partner where I was asked if certain areas were available and I know lots of other women have too

twizzr; I think that is an appalling comment. Disturbing and I think you ought to just go away now. Adults talking

The OPer was vague, but talked about thigh. It sounds more like one thing lead to another than that he assaulted her.

Maybe it’s a cultural thing. I’m not British.

twizzr

That has to be the Dumbest thing i have ever read.

No hipnewname one thing did not lead to another. He stroked her thigh then her genitals. She did nothing.
Please read the post.
So how does being British make it alright to touch a women's genitals without any hint of the woman responding positively? Even if she does nothing, does that not strongly suggest she is not comfortable at the very least.
You lean over to a person. Place your hand on their body. They d o not respond as if they are enjoying it but you keep going anyway>
Are you telling me that you are OK with that? fThat it isn't imposing yourself on someone who is not willing?

Next time you are at a bus stop, turn around to the person next to you and stroke their thigh, touch their bum or whatever is availble and see how you get on.

Twizzr- how old are you????