How bad is this - cheating?

[Guiltyconscience90]

Last weekend after a night out I shared a taxi with friends, me and a married friend in the back seat and he spent the whole journey stroking my thigh/crotch.

I didn't do anything but didn't push him away and now i'm feeling terrible that I let him do it. How bad do you think that is?

I think you are reading a lot into it. She never said she didn’t enjoy it. She didn’t say she wanted him to stop. She feels guilty about his wife, not traumatized about her body.

So you presume that she did enjoy and didn't want him to stop? hipNewName.
IF she;d had such a super time why is she on here talking about it?
If you read the thread, she has said she feels guilty about not stopping him.

No, I didn’t assume that. I said she should sort that out in her own head.

My use of the would “should” caused problems on the thread.

As far as why she feels guilty, it’s normal to do something, wake up the next day and realize it wasn’t a great idea. It’s called regret. Making a poor decision isn’t the same as being assaulted.

I'm with Hip on this. I think you're imagining an entirely different situation Lola. Presumably this all began with a hand on her knee? He didn't go straight for her crotch. He was trying it on and when she didn't move away or remove his hand, he took it as a signal that he could go further. And Op still didn't object even when he moved from her thigh to her crotch. This went on for 10 mins. How was he to know she'd have regrets the next day? He's a friend, not some random at a bus stop. Plenty of women have gone to clubs in the hope of getting off with a total stranger.

The only complication is the fact that he's married and Op probably knows his wife. She's surprised at his behaviour but even more at the fact she let him.

I would probably talk to him and tell him that he's not to do anything like that ever again and if he does you will tell his DW

I agree with this.

She let him?
She is responsible for his behaviour?
No man has any control?
He started at her leg and moved up?
You get off with a stranger with consent. She was not interested in getting off with him that is the difference.
Touching someone without their consent is sexual assault and you can dress up the situation anyway you please, he over stepped a boundary very casually.
She regrets not stopping him. He probably regrets nothing and it seems that there is a lot of focus on her behaviour and not on his.

If she does talk to him, she should probably also apologise for leading him on, giving him the wrong idea. How she explains that, is up to her.

I agree that she should make it clear that it was a mistake which won't be repeated but claiming any sort of victimhood or moral high ground is unjustified in the circumstances.

Thymeout is it the 21st century yet where you live ?
Apologise for his behaviour?
Has he approached to apologise for his behaviour.
Has he told his wife what he has done
Guessing no to the those questions.

Sorry. HER behaviour.
her behaviour which amounted to not very much. Instigated absolutely nothihng, gave him no signals...but still her problem.

No - she is responsible for her behaviour, which, for whatever reason, gave him the impression that his behaviour was OK.

And there are many women, as we see from other threads on this board, who would not be having regrets because they don't see anything wrong in allowing married men to make passes at them.

By doing nothing he presumes this is permission? Had she physically responded, to me this is a clear indication of consent.
He was sleazy and out of order.
This situation is her situation and nothing whatsoever to do with what other women might or might not do if a man makes a pass.
By this logic because some women are alright with it, others are too. Nonsense.

It’s all in the intention- if you liked it/ were enjoying it and now feel bad then you know you’ve done wrong.
If you didn’t like it or want it but felt afraid to say anything then you did not do anything wrong and should perhaps limit contact with said friend.
If you feel you encouraged it with your body language then he will probably have taken that as non-verbal consent.

(I am not minimising sexual assault, nor using the old ‘she loved it’ excuse, merely that non-verbal consent and encouragement DOES exist, if it didn’t then everytime my DP initiates sex and we don’t have an explicit confirming conversation prior, then it would be assault)

I wouldn’t want to know either way as long as it was a drunken mistake and nothing ever happened again. I think you feel too guilty not to say anything though - itd eat me up inside.

Although I agree with PP that he’s a sleaze and a despicable husband.

I wonder if the poster is asking herself did she do anything to encourage it? She does sound confused as to what occured but I get the sense from what she has written that she really didn't give him any reason to touch her.

What were the events leading up? They somehow ended up drunk in a taxi together just them two. Let's get real on the "he didn't ask permission"! Because I've certainly never asked a man if I can touch his weewee. But that's beside the point. You let your friends husband rub on ya. Yes, you should tell her. Say you were stunned and shocked, whatever, do NOT say he assaulted you unless you're set on also going to the police because that's a serious accusation, which you don't have much to go on other than "he didn't ask me permission but I didn't say no when he started ". Yes you should tell her.

I think any married woman on this thread would want someone to tell them if THEIR husband did that.

i have looked at the original post and it seems from what the OP says, he did this while other people were in the taxi.
did i read that right?

Ohhh I see that now too. Was no one talking to each other? How did no one notice that happening?

I can easily believe that no one saw anything. It sounds as if it was like 2 people playing footsie under the dinner table. You can only tell from people's expressions. It was dark and they were sitting in the back.

I wouldn't tell his wife and I wouldn't want to know. My imagination would run riot and the whole thing would get blown out of proportion. I'd wonder why Op hadn't put a stop to it.

needsanap, I just realised when I went back to double check. I think it makes it more galling if he has the audacity to feel up a woman in a car with other people around.
Makes more sense why you wouldn;t do anything, to my mind.
Thymeout of course no one would notice, which is the point with these types of men. Someone feels you up, in the dark, surrounded by people. Tell me a less sexy moment than that. It is appalling and he sounds disturbing.

I won't be apologising to him - I am certain that I was no different with him than I have ever been and did not do anything to encourage him. We have known each other quite a long time and nothing ever happened before.

Best sense I can make of it is that although I didn't instigate it and don't have any interest in him, at the time I willingly allowed it. That's the thing I don't really understand and have no excuse other than alcohol. I've said that I don't consider it assault - it was unexpected but I think he would have stopped if I moved.

And yes there were others in the car - small car so quite close together in the back, everyone was talking normally while it happened and the people in the front seat weren't aware.

I don't think I'm going to say anything to either am hoping to forget about it but will certainly make it clear it's not welcome if he does anything like that again.

If a woman did this to a man, would some still call assault?
Genuine question because I can't imagine it being taken seriously if a 'tipsy' male didn't stop the caressing.

I wasn't suggesting you should apologise to him for your behaviour before he made a move on you, but for 'willingly allowing it' and giving him the impression that you were OK with it. I think it's a case of least said, soonest mended. Drink less and give him as wide a berth as your social circle permits.

"That's the thing I don't really understand and have no excuse other than alcohol."

May be you were just feeling a bit lonely. My favorite self help writer (Louise Hay) said that if you've down something that you feel bad about, the best think you do simply not do it again.

Or just maybe the OP had nothing whatsoever to do with his behaviour and he is an asshole.
If a woman did this to a man, it would be assault as well and a man would be well within his rights to call it that and be just as angry and upset.

Don’t think it was anything to do with being lonely more very slow reactions to what I was letting him do.