What would you think if someone you were dating said this to you? [EDITED BY MNHQ]

[PeacefulBlessing]

I have been dating someone exclusively for a few months. There have been a couple of hiccups along the way, but things are all good.

He is a younger than me and good looking. He is approached by other women but doesn't flirt and always shuts them down.

I, on the other hand, am older than him, not hugely attractive, and don't wear much make up but I look ok. I'm not really happy at the moment because I am a stone or so heavier than I'm comfortable with. I have a bit of a tummy that I'm conscious of - esp during sex and I'm very aware that the women who are approaching him are younger than me, slimmer than me and, generally, prettier then me.

I've always had crap relationships - cheated on, told I wasn't good enough and that no one would want me. I've always believed that I'd need to be slimmer than I currently am (recent weight gain - I do need to lose it) in order for someone to be willing to commit or be exclusive, let alone care or love me.

Anyway, I made a comment the other day about needing to lose a bit of weight. Something along the lines of needing to cut back on the cheese after Christmas and he said that he would support me in doing (eg wouldn't buy me cheese!) so but that he didn't think I needed to lose weight. He said that he wouldn't love me any differently regardless of what size I was and that it was what is on the inside that counts and that I'm a beautiful person inside and out.

I just need a bit of clarity on this.

Is this a good thing because I can't help but feel it's a bit of a backhanded compliment.

I mean, I know that I'm nothing special, but I can't help but want to be with someone who is oblivious, or can't see my fat, wobbly bits, rather than loves me in spite of them. Basically, I just don't want to be fat and wobbly! I'm resisting the urge to end it because I'm not good enough for him.

I'm also not very good at this sort of thing.

Obviously, I am overweight so it would be a lie to pretend I'm not and I wouldn't want that anyway because it would be dishonest, but is it a backhanded compliment? Would you mind if a man said this to you?

I would look at counselling for your self esteem quite honestly based on what you've said.

He sounds like a keeper op! My ds is ten years younger than me!! I have multiple dc and need to lose at least 2 stone (dh cooking!) I know he adores me - but the same as you I need to love myself!!
His statement to you is exactly what my dh said to me when I confessed to having gone off sex because of how I feel about ME not how I feel about dh!!
Take a deep breath and allow that man into your life wholeheartedly!!
I have had shit put me down relationships and it has been hard to trust the words of dh!! But we are married with a toddler - its def real love!!

He said a nice thing and I think most people would recognise that. The fact that you are unsure suggests you need a bit of work on your self esteem.

I've had it all, ShatnersWig. It's not really made any difference. Well it has, I'm better generally than I used to be but this is a nut I just can't crack

Really, Fig? Your husband sounds lovely! I think I just wasn't really sure if it was a good thing.

Creme I just needed to know if it was a nice thing. Or whether the "it's what's on the inside that counts" was just a less direct of saying I was fat and ugly. But it seems not!

Thanks.

I think he was being very thoughtful to try and put your fears that you expressed to bed. He sounds lovely!

I think we focus far too much on age sometimes, and should look more on compatibility.

He can’t win

pudding it wasn't about the age, that doesn't bother me. I am worried about weight and attractiveness necause my mum told me that I was too fat/ugly to be loved and that was 3 stone ago!

Well hopefully there are no 'winners' or 'losers' in a relationship, 'Little

We can all see when another person has wobbly bits - it's just whether that dictates if they are attractive or not that changes. From what he's said he reassuring you that he's not bothered by wobbly bits, he finds you attractive but it's what's inside that counts. I'd say that's ideal.

If he said you look exactly perfect as you are, you the epitome of female beauty then that boosts your confidence NOW, but what if your body changes (it will, they all do)?

A healthy relationship (imo) does require you to find each others body attractive, but the main attraction MUST come from their personality or it'll never last. You don't have to be the hottest thing they've ever laid eyes on, that just empty.

Peaceful open your eyes and have a look at the world around you.

There are thousands of people who are overweight and don’t look like super models who are in happy, loving, committed relationships.

Being thin and pretty absolutely does not equal happy.

You can be happily married and thin and pretty and you can be miserable and thin and pretty. It’s irrelevant.

My DH and I have been together a very long time. He loved me and found me attractive at both a size 18 and a size 8. That’s how it’s meant to be!!

Your man sounds lovely.

He said he does not think you need to lose weight, that you're beautiful, but he will support you if you want to lose weight.

What do you think he should have said? I really can't see what else he could have replied that would not have upset you.

Sounds a bit like a girl I used to go out with.

I once said something along the lines of "Awww you big softie" or something, and she said "Less of the big! I know I could do with losing weight"

I was a bit Thats not quite what I was saying... But if you're unhappy with your weight, don't wallow in misery, be a bit proactive and I'll support you in it.

After that she seemed to think I didn't like her as much as I would do if she was thinner. Should probably have kept my mouth shut.

I’ve put on about 2 stone since I met DP and my belly is atrocious (2 babies inside a year and IBS). If I ever go on a health kick he’s always really supportive because it’s what makes me feel better, but insistent that I’m perfect to him as I am and he doesn’t want me to change.

He sounds like a decent bloke OP .

I think you’re looking for a reason to end it because your lack of self-esteem means you’re scared he will and you want to get in first. Don’t do it op, based on this he sounds like a decent bloke and you’ll regret it.

If he said you look exactly perfect as you are, you the epitome of female beauty then that boosts your confidence NOW, but what if your body changes

See that's the thing, if he'd said that I wouldn't have believed him. It wouldn't have reassured me or boosted my confidence. It would have felt disingenuous and dishonest. I would have made a mental note that he couldn't be trusted. But I guess you're right i just struggle massively with not confirming to beauty norms. I suppose I just can't imagine what he could find attractive about me.

Raasay I can see that. I'm just not very good at applying it to myself. And I've never had it before. This man has been a real eye opener. I just feel like I have to take some of the things he says and make sure I understand them to 'recalibrate' my thinking. To make sure they're not 'red flags'.

Katharina and Smeaton there's nothing else he could have said. I struggle with how I look. I think I'm more comfortable with pretending I haven't been seen. I would be happy if I were something I'm never going to be.

It's just a bit crap and means I'm far less 'confident' than I feel like I really am inside because I don't feel good enough.

It also means I'm less adventurous with sex than I'd like to be because I don't feel like I have the right to be sexual. I'm really more bothered by how I 'look' rather than how I 'feel' so I'm put off by anything that makes me more 'visible'.

I just worry that my arse is too big (it is) and my thighs are too chunky and now I have a tummy too .

After that she seemed to think I didn't like her as much as I would do if she was thinner. Should probably have kept my mouth shut.

I just assume this as a default. That someone would prefer me if I were thinner. But then, I've been told this more than once.

It was that he said it was what was on the inside that counts that I wasn't sure about. After being told I was too fat and ugly to be loved growing up, I had a friend who told me that men only tell women that it's what is on the inside that counts if they're physically unappealing. My exh always said that "it's what' on the inside that counts" was nonsense and that, if the outside wasn't appealing, no one cares what is on the inside.

c3pu, I would never throw it back at him though. I don't set traps or tests. If you're all saying I should accept it and it's a nice thing, I will accept it as that

Thanks Notreally and Angel. I think he is. Think I was worried it was a backhanded compliment not as an attempt at 'negging', more that he wanted to be kind. I don't know. He is lovely.

I just worry that my arse is too big (it is)

Too big for what though? To be found attractive? Well we know that's not true because your bf finds it attractive. Even a tiny bum is too big to fit in a baby chair! It's all relative and only matters in the context of poor health. The struggle is in you mind and how you view yourself (and it sounds like you have plenty of insight and do realise this).

It is so hard to shake off the horrible thoughts about our bodies that have been rammed down our throats since childhood. But it's so liberating to do so. Every time you think something along those lines, call yourself up on it as you would a friend "NO, my tummy is just fine as it. It does not matter if it sticks out a bit." etc.

Challenge the boundaries you have set for yourself regarding intimacy and your body a little bit at a time. They can be broken down and you will feel a lot better for it. If he would walk or dislike you because he saw you naked then it doesn't put you in a worse position than you are now, because you already feel your body is bad enough for that. Give him the opportunity (you don't want someone like that in your life anyway). I bet he won't though, and I can guarantee you will start to view your body more positively.

Your feelings about yourself are very common but so self-destructive. You are valuable and loveable and attractive and it's nothing to do with your body.

What do you find beautiful OP, or who do you find beautiful? I adore my mother’s face, although she’s never going to win a modeling contract. There’s a woman I know to say hi to on the school yard and honestly I’m a little intimidated by her because she exudes confidence and elegance and I’d say she’s an 18 or a 20 and I’d love to have what she has. Two of the loveliest mums I know, the kind of people who brighten up your day, are neither pretty or thin, but they shine from the inside.
And although it sounds a bit of a cliche some of the most unkind people I’ve known have been beautiful on the outside.
What about you? If you think about the people you love and admire, do looks come into it?

Everything Annwithnoe said**

Sounds to me that the problem is with your perceptions of yourself not your fella who sounds nice.

You've taken to heart everything other people have said in your past. Why do you hang on their every word or believe everything they say?

Time to start listening to the people who matter (your boyfriend) and believe what HE says. Sounds like you struggle to believe any compliments but automatically believe any negatives.

Take time to work on yourself and improve your confidence and self esteem or you may end up losing the people who are the nicest to you because you never believe them.

I understand the default thinking of "if I was thinner...", but I can honestly say that being with my husband has been a revelation. He loves me no matter what, and although there are times when the rest of the world don't see me as attractive I never feel less than completely beautiful and gorgeous to him. I know I'm not a supermodel, but I'm his supermodel, and actually, no-one else's opinion matters.

Let yourself believe your boyfriend when he says he loves you, because it sounds as though he really does - the you that everyone sees and the you that is inside that he sees.

Cut yourself a break, you sound like you've found a good 'un!

I can't believe your mum said that to you! What a cow (sorry). No wonder you're having issues when the person who is supposed to love you unconditionally and think you are the bees knees regardless of looks and personality says something so cruel. She must have major issues, don't let them become yours too.

You were putting yourself down and fishing for compliments. That's not a good thing to be doing. Stop it.

There is literally no response he could make in that situation that would please you. Don't put him in that situation.

Peaceful

I have a lovely friend. Seriously beautiful, slim, intelligent, kind. Loved by everyone.

We were going out one night and she had gorgeous new dress on. My DH passed through the hall as we were leaving and said “Hi X, great dress”

As we left I noticed she had tears in her eyes. She told me that her own husband never compliments her. Never notices her clothes or hair. Never says anything nice about her. She doesn’t feel sexy or pretty regardless of what she sees in the mirror.

What is on the inside does count. It counts in everybody.

If the people closest to you love you, suppprt you and build up your self esteem you’ll feel good about yourself regardless of how you look.

I’m sorry you haven’t had that in a relationship before but honestly, it’s how it’s meant to work.

Too big for what though? To be found attractive? Essentially, yes. I don't think that he has actually seen my bum, tbh . He says my face is 'beautiful' and that my skin is really soft and smooth, or that I look nice in a particular dress, but he wouldn't specifically compliment me if he didn't believe it because it would feel like a lie to him. And I'm happy with that.

I'm not cross with him, or anyone else, for not complimenting me on something that is not deserving of a compliment, but it pisses me off that I'm not deserving of physical compliments. If that makes more sense. And probably makes me really shallow

We had a day over Christmas when I was childfree and we spent the day in and naked. I had on a small 'robe', but I wasn't really 'naked' and he hasn't seen me fully naked. He told me I looked really sexy wearing it, so he will say things that he feels are true.

But thanks, Broken, I like the idea of breaking down some of my own boundaries. I still don't think I could let myself be 'seen' though.

Ann I have a friend who is 61. Slim, attractive, also wouldn't win a modelling contract, but she is 'beautiful'. Confident, successful, funny, kind, strong and resiliant.

I have another friend who is late 40s. She is pretty and I'm aware that anyone I date is fine with me until they meet her... she would never act upon it and she's had the same problem all through her life and she hates it because it's caused women to fall out with her - she's lost friends over it. I'd never fall out with her over it, but I can see whoever I am with casting her approving glances because she is very pretty. Not stunning, not beautiful - she doesn't wear make up or do her hair but she is very pretty. She's also strong, funny, intelligent, highly educated, successful, independent. But that's not what men are admiring about her!

There are more and, no, physical attractiveness does not come into it. I like qualities such as resilience, humour and intelligence. But then I'm a woman and not romantically or sexually interested in these women. I read on here all the time that, for example, porn use is justified because men are more visual than women and they like to look at 'perfect' women. If this weren't the case, then they would all be satisfied with their non-model-like partners and they are not.

That's what I can't get my head round, I suppose.

eurgh yes, I think there is some truth in what you say. I am aware that the problem is me and not him, but I've also had people say/do shitty things and just need to recalibrate, I suppose. I do struggle with compliments generally and accept criticism but I think I grew up with only criticisms so I was used to hearing those. I just disregard any compliments with a smile and a "thank you" because I don't really know what to do with them.

I don't really get physical compliments anyway and that's what I have used as 'evidence' that my self perception is not too far from the truth.

You were putting yourself down and fishing for compliments. That's not a good thing to be doing

Really not fishing for compliments. Not even really putting myself down. Just acknowledging my limitations and saying "yes, I am aware". Because I am. We're all aware of our strengths and limitations surely?