What would you think if someone you were dating said this to you? [EDITED BY MNHQ]

[PeacefulBlessing]

I have been dating someone exclusively for a few months. There have been a couple of hiccups along the way, but things are all good.

He is a younger than me and good looking. He is approached by other women but doesn't flirt and always shuts them down.

I, on the other hand, am older than him, not hugely attractive, and don't wear much make up but I look ok. I'm not really happy at the moment because I am a stone or so heavier than I'm comfortable with. I have a bit of a tummy that I'm conscious of - esp during sex and I'm very aware that the women who are approaching him are younger than me, slimmer than me and, generally, prettier then me.

I've always had crap relationships - cheated on, told I wasn't good enough and that no one would want me. I've always believed that I'd need to be slimmer than I currently am (recent weight gain - I do need to lose it) in order for someone to be willing to commit or be exclusive, let alone care or love me.

Anyway, I made a comment the other day about needing to lose a bit of weight. Something along the lines of needing to cut back on the cheese after Christmas and he said that he would support me in doing (eg wouldn't buy me cheese!) so but that he didn't think I needed to lose weight. He said that he wouldn't love me any differently regardless of what size I was and that it was what is on the inside that counts and that I'm a beautiful person inside and out.

I just need a bit of clarity on this.

Is this a good thing because I can't help but feel it's a bit of a backhanded compliment.

I mean, I know that I'm nothing special, but I can't help but want to be with someone who is oblivious, or can't see my fat, wobbly bits, rather than loves me in spite of them. Basically, I just don't want to be fat and wobbly! I'm resisting the urge to end it because I'm not good enough for him.

I'm also not very good at this sort of thing.

Obviously, I am overweight so it would be a lie to pretend I'm not and I wouldn't want that anyway because it would be dishonest, but is it a backhanded compliment? Would you mind if a man said this to you?

You were putting yourself down and fishing for compliments. That's not a good thing to be doing. Stop it.

I don't think that's fair at all trills. It's perfectly possible to have your head utterly messed up (in terms of the way you view yourbody) and make it very hard to have people say something nice. In the same vein it also makes people accept utter crap from unkind people and say nothing.

I'd say it feels rather like knowing that you are absolutely rotten at languages and your partner insisting that you speak French beautifully. You know that you don't so it's very hard to just accept the compliment - you want to say thanks, but I really don't! The analogy only goes as far as feeling though, because the person certainly can be beautiful to the other party. But it requires a big shift in self perception to be able to hear things like that and not disagree, it doesn't have to be attention seeking.

Thanks Flighty and Raasay. I can see that it's what it's supposed to be like. But I've never quite felt like it before and it's almost been 'necessary' to acknowledge that I know I'm not quite good enough because i've had men try and 'bring me down a peg or two' when I've tried to be confident. I've read all the "confidence is the most attractive quality" stuff on here. It's really not and some men really don't like a woman who is confident when they don't think she has any reason or right to be.

I'd say it feels rather like knowing that you are absolutely rotten at languages and your partner insisting that you speak French beautifully. You know that you don't so it's very hard to just accept the compliment - you want to say thanks, but I really don't!

Yes, that is exactly it.

Thingsdogetbetter

On an intellectual level I do get that it was her, but on an emotional level, I really struggle, tbh.

I challenged her on it once when a boy paid me a compliment and she laughed at me and said they'd say anything if they thought it would get them what they want. So I do get a bit stuck on it. Not that it did get them anything and not that I actually think they were trying to. The boys who were only interested in one thing weren't trying to get it from me!!

Peaceful if you were “perfect” would you dump your man every time you met someone better looking?

I hope not. Relationships aren’t just built on looks for men any more than they are for women.

I suspect he will like you better if you lose weight (even if he doesn't realise it), so as that's what you want to do anyway why don't you just get on with it?

Peaceful he sounds lovely. I was always a size 8/10 and my DH always chubby, then overweight later. Arse holes used to tease him and ask how he 'caught' me. I adored him and it was mutual. I never felt so loved in my life. I loved putting my arm around him and rubbing his belly and touching the curves in his face. To others he was just an ordinary looking, overweight bloke, but to me he was the most beautiful man I'd ever met, as his kindness and decency shone from him.

If he says he loves you the way you are, he means it and don't worry if your looks change. Love is much deeper than what someone looks like.

Anyone that thinks he will love you more really is very shallow and I feel sorry for them as they've obvious never felt truly loved.

*sorry I mean 'love you more, if you lose weight...

confidence is the most attractive quality" stuff on here. It's really not and some men really don't like a woman who is confident when they don't think she has any reason or right to be.

Remember, those aren't nice men though. You wouldn't want to be with one of those. Your body will not be everybody's cup of tea and that's OK, your body is mostly a tool anyway.

It is OK to accept that your boyfriend find you attractive even if you don't agree. How would your boyfriend fare in a line up of 1000 'attractive' young men? I bet he wouldn't come top. Does that matter or change how attractive he is to YOU? No. I imagine he feels similarly. You can acknowledge that you're not the most conventionally beautiful woman, but that really has naff all to do with how attractive your boyfriend finds you. Can you see those as two separate things?

Raasay of course I wouldn't. He and I complement each other very well.

Chrys I am doing. No more cheese! And have already lost a couple of pounds. I have put on weight over the past year because it was a tough one. I'm back on the case now though.

Jesus op you are self sabotaging! Your looking for problems that aren’t there, you will drive him away and then say “see I told you I was unloveable”. What he said was fine, the issue is with you are has nothing to do with the size of your arse!!

Threads like this annoy me

I feel sorry for men sometimes as they really cannot win!

What would you rather he said OP? “Yes you are overweight and I want you to lose some” ??? Because then you would’ve felt hurt complained on here about his comments and everyone would’ve told you to lose weight by ditching him

Okay realistically, as you’ve said yourself you need to lose weight, he probably would rather you lost some, but the fact is he told you he’d still love you regardless! That’s a GOOD thing! I fail to see the problem here other than you making one, sorry

Wow chippyway. Ever thought of doing a course in empathy???

OP is having a hard time and is trying to sort her head out and you leap in with a complete lack of sensitivity and understanding. Way to knock a sister!

I fancied the pants off of my ex girlfriend. She was a size 16. She dieted and went down to a 10-12 or so, and looked great, and I still fancied her.

She was happier when she was thinner, so I supported her when she was dieting (and didn't buy her cheese anymore) but always tried to make it clear that I'd fancy her no matter what her size, because she was beautiful and funny and clever and we just worked.

However, she never let me see her naked. Lights off, always. She had anxiety and couldn't accept any compliments and got embarrassed when I told her she looked good. That - and related issues - are what caused us to split up. Not her size.

Take the compliment, lose the weight if you want to, and stop sabotaging a relationship because your mother trained you badly

There you go then Peaceful you wouldn’t dump your man just because you encountered someone better looking, have the same respect for him.

Bants comments are pertinent, his exes anxieties and lack of self esteem where what contributed to the break up not her dress size. You don’t want to follow that path.

He would call great op.
Perhaps you are smarter,kinder,more interesting than anyone else he has dated.
I often look at supposedly good looking people and notice how much fakeness kthere seems to be about them.
Whether it is the strange shade of browny/orange smeared allover them. Or the fake hair colour and hair extensions. Or fake boobs or whatever. I wouldn't call it attractive at all.
I think people like those who are comfortable with themselves.

OP take the compliment and don't try and read between the lines. I am a bit of a chubber. DH has put on weight and lost it, had cancer and went thin as a rake, got better and put weight on, had cancer again and is covered in abdominal scars and has a saggy belly as a result. I could not give a tinkers rap what he looks like. I don't see it. I see him! I see the man I married and who has supported me through very difficult times and in turn has needed immense support and nursing. He is amazing. You are amazing. I don't care what shape he is. He could become a stellated dodecahedron for all I care. I love him no matter what. You have a keeper there who is not in any way shallow. He probably feels about you the way I feel about my DH. Treasure him.

PERF I get that completely. He has already told me that he has never felt comfortable enough with anyone else to be completely naked in front of them. I know why and it's possibly something I would have noticed had he not told me, but certainly not something that would have changed how I feel about him. I don't compare him unfavourably to other men.

It is OK to accept that your boyfriend find you attractive even if you don't agree. Yes, I can see that those are different things.

How would your boyfriend fare in a line up of 1000 'attractive' young men? I bet he wouldn't come top. Does that matter or change how attractive he is to YOU? No, he is very attractive to me, and clearly to others too, but he would not be at the top, objectively, no.

You can acknowledge that you're not the most conventionally beautiful woman, but that really has naff all to do with how attractive your boyfriend finds you. Can you see those as two separate things? I understand it semantically, but I do struggle with that a bit. I don't see how he can find me attractive seeing as I'm not conventionally attractive. There are reasons those things are deemed 'attractive' and others are not.

I know, Regular. That's what worries me.

Thanks, Bant. I can see that you are 'right', but I find it difficult to apply that to myself.

I'm currently a 14/16 - 40-31-42. From the front, I think I look ok. Just a bit of a tummy. From the back I look okish but not nice and I wouldn't willingly or comfortably be seen from that angle... From the side I look horrendous. I don't think anyone would want to see me from a more interesting angle!

I do need to lose some weight and I probably need to do some exercise too.

Emily I don't consider that fakeness to be attractive anyway. But I do know what attractive figures look like, and it isn't mine

Halloween What you and your husband have sounds beautiful. I have always thought I could only dream of that type of acceptance and love.

I still just can't see how he could find me attractive. That's what I'm struggling with. But It's not something anyone on here can answer either

I suppose I used to watch things like "How to Look Good Naked" hoping to come away from it feeling better about myself but there was never anything actually wrong with any of those women. It was all just their perception and the wrong underwear! But that's not the case with me. I have well fitting underwear, I dress to suit my figure, my hair is cut and coloured regularly... in many ways I'm 'content', even happy, with myself, but from the chest down? No.

But the women on HTLGN felt like you do, that's why they were on there. I'm sure if you went on it, plenty of other women would sigh and say that they didn't feel any better after watching you because you clearly just needed some good underwear etc.

Your childhood and previous relationship experiences have made it hard for you to see past your perception of beauty - but then you are holding your own body up to standards created on lies and unkindness. You can't win when you are fighting against that. You welcome the idea of rejecting beauty ideals for women, but are unable to apply it to yourself because you feel like you are the one who is actually awful looking. You aren't, I can assure you. There is nothing especially terrible about your bottom. It may be big or wobbly or cellulitey, but it's an ARSE. It's for sitting on and pooing out of and your bf thinks it's sexy. Don't overthink it, don't dwell on. Practice not overthinking it. It does make a difference.

Exercise and eating healthily are a good idea, but not if you are doing them exclusively to feel attractive. Madness and disappointment lies that way. The problem is in the way you have been trained (by yourself and ohthers) to view yourself. Running and lettuce won't change that!

I really feel for you because it's a horrible thought pattern to be stuck in, but just the fact you are thinking about it and posting shows that you have insight and a chance to shift the paradigm.

I'd think I'd found a gem. He obviously thinks you're beautiful on the outside as well as on the inside.

Accept it as a compliment. Be comfortable accepting compliments. If you're not naturally comfortable with it, work on accepting those compliments and believing it as genuine.

Seems like he can’t do right for doing wrong. You expressed an aim, he said he would support you in this but didn’t want you to think he was saying that as a way of agreeing that your weight is an issue.

There is nothing especially terrible about your bottom. It may be big or wobbly or cellulitey, but it's an ARSE. It's for sitting on and pooing out of

Well when you put it like that..! 😂 i know you're right (at this precise moment), but it's hard to sustain that belief.

I would never let on to him that I felt like this and I certainly wouldn't tie him up in knots with questions designed to trip him up and prove something. I know that this has to stay in my head.

I was 3 stone lighter when my mum/friend were saying what they were saying and I still felt like this so I know that losing weight isn't going to change this. But feeling fitter and more like myself will help.

I’ve read this whole thread and for the very most part people are full of good sensible advice, most of which I would echo. But what strikes me most is you’re still not getting it. Your boyfriend loves you inside and out. He said it himself. Some like stick insects (I’m one, by the way and I’m be no means happy with my body all the time); others like a few more curves. Chances are if he wanted to be with a size 6 woman, he wouldn’t be dating you anyway. He probably thinks you have a magnificent rack.
The point is, these are your issues, your self esteem. This is the paradigm that needs shifting. If he broke up with you because of your body, would they be a worthy partner to you in the first instance? From what you’ve said he sounds like a great catch. Practice accepting compliments. Accept them graciously in the spirit in which they are meant. Learning to believe them is up to you, by whichever means you choose, be it some counselling or self help. If you lose weight, he will support you and you’ll feel better about yourself, I have no doubt. But I bet it won’t make a whit of difference to your boyfriend as it sounds like he doesn’t base his feelings for you on whether you have a bit of a stomach or a six pack.