What would you think if someone you were dating said this to you? [EDITED BY MNHQ]

[PeacefulBlessing]

I have been dating someone exclusively for a few months. There have been a couple of hiccups along the way, but things are all good.

He is a younger than me and good looking. He is approached by other women but doesn't flirt and always shuts them down.

I, on the other hand, am older than him, not hugely attractive, and don't wear much make up but I look ok. I'm not really happy at the moment because I am a stone or so heavier than I'm comfortable with. I have a bit of a tummy that I'm conscious of - esp during sex and I'm very aware that the women who are approaching him are younger than me, slimmer than me and, generally, prettier then me.

I've always had crap relationships - cheated on, told I wasn't good enough and that no one would want me. I've always believed that I'd need to be slimmer than I currently am (recent weight gain - I do need to lose it) in order for someone to be willing to commit or be exclusive, let alone care or love me.

Anyway, I made a comment the other day about needing to lose a bit of weight. Something along the lines of needing to cut back on the cheese after Christmas and he said that he would support me in doing (eg wouldn't buy me cheese!) so but that he didn't think I needed to lose weight. He said that he wouldn't love me any differently regardless of what size I was and that it was what is on the inside that counts and that I'm a beautiful person inside and out.

I just need a bit of clarity on this.

Is this a good thing because I can't help but feel it's a bit of a backhanded compliment.

I mean, I know that I'm nothing special, but I can't help but want to be with someone who is oblivious, or can't see my fat, wobbly bits, rather than loves me in spite of them. Basically, I just don't want to be fat and wobbly! I'm resisting the urge to end it because I'm not good enough for him.

I'm also not very good at this sort of thing.

Obviously, I am overweight so it would be a lie to pretend I'm not and I wouldn't want that anyway because it would be dishonest, but is it a backhanded compliment? Would you mind if a man said this to you?

he doesn’t base his feelings for you on whether you have a bit of a stomach or a six pack

No... I do see that, when you put it like this, that it is me.

That bit you said earlier about confidence supposedly being the most attractive thing and you not really buying it... I possibly agree.

It's not the confidence that's attractive per se, more the person just being completely themself without any shame. Lack of confidence can end up being unattractive though. Rather like if a valued friend kept moaning on about what a useless and horrible person they, that nobody liked them, that they were a terrible friend. There would be only so much you could take before it actually started getting in the way of the friendship.

It's a lot easier to see your value as a friend than your value as a physically attractive woman, but that's because of the constant gnawing narrative pushed on us that outer beauty really is the ultimate attribute to strive for. Reject it. The more you can your head round to that way of thinking (and genuinely applying it to yourself), the more attractive you will be. You cannot change who you are (other than a bit of weight in either direction which doesn't make that much difference). The happiest, most self-accepting version of you will be the most attractive one.

OP - just a bit of a similar experience. I've been overweight since I was about 16. Not horrifically so, but size 16ish and brought up in a big, very materialistic family with shitty values. I was told repeatedly by my aunt and grandmother that I'd never meet anyone whilst I was fat, that I was arrogant to expect someone to like me as I was and other lovely assorted shit like that.

I got more depressed, ate more and got fatter.

Thankfully I realised they were toxic and stopped listening to them.

I met my husband 12 years ago. I was around 3 stone overweight and he was younger, gym toned and good looking. He saw ME and that's what he fell in love with. I'm fatter and seriously need to lose weight (very much a priority once my baby is born) but he's not stopped loving me for a second. He's not in denial about my weight, doesn't pretend I'm some 'stunna' and would rather I lost some for health reasons, but this is secondary to him loving me and caring about me as a person which is most important.

Sounds like your DP is the same. He sounds like a keeper!

He's not in denial about my weight, doesn't pretend I'm some 'stunna' and would rather I lost some for health reasons, but this is secondary to him loving me and caring about me as a person which is most important.

He sounds lovely!

I suppose I've always struggled with the idea that the authentic 'me' isn't really worth loving and that's why I find it difficult to think that he could genuinely love me in spite of how I look.

I don't know. I know the answer is to be happy in myself. It's just tricky doing it!

It would be nice if we could all have partners that literally "didn't see" our flaws, and actually saw us as supermodels, like in the movie Shallow Hal. But that just isn't reality. But what we can hope for is the next best thing - someone that loves us anyway. It sounds like you have that!

It's really tricky Peaceful - I honestly understand. But don't sabotage what sounds like a really nice and healthy relationship.

My husband always says he hates how I chase compliments away. It's true - it's like I can't believe anyone really sees me like that. It's not healthy and I'm working on it abs making progress.

@PeacefulBlessing - there are too many things for me to address here . But I just wanted to say that you sound nice, your boyfriend obviously agrees, so enjoy it. People don't have to say nice things, most do so because they want so, and know that it makes the other person smile or feel good about themselves.

I used to be like you but now I am old and grumpy, I don't care so much. I need to lose a shit load of weight, and since Xmas, I feel like a boat about to set sail (not in a good way!). So accept your boyfriend's compliments with a smile, and accept his support for weight loss/exercise - if you think it would help with motivation etc.

I was like you. Then I lost weight. And I still hated myself, found reasons to be negative. You are fixated on the weight but actually it’s your self esteem. Losing weight will help, but you won’t magically lose a stone and love yourself.

This isn’t about him. He sounds lovely. This is all you.

I shall try, Merry. I don't chase compliments away. I do accept them graciously, but it's more of a courtesy response. I do dismiss them in reality and add my own caveats to what I hear, I guess.

Ugh, it's hard to explain. He is quite 'simplistic' in some ways and very straightforward. He's not interested in game playing or lying so this isn't anything he's said specifically. I suppose it's more what he hasn't said, on reflection. I was just concerned that, because he is so honest, commenting on what is on the inside and not complimenting me physically means that he doesn't find me attractive. As much as I don't want to be with someone who lies, or who only cares about the physical, I don't want to be with someone who overlooks my physical appearance because they like 'me'. If that makes sense. I guess I just want to be the whole package for someone and it would make me a bit sad for them and me if I'm not.

I've always struggled with self image. I've had counselling but it hasn't really made a difference because the "what if..?" "Yeah, but..!" voice is always shouting loudly in the background.

Thanks, chatwoo I suppose the answer is just to lose the weight I know I need to and feel better about myself for myself.

Or switch my brain off!

Olivia I know the answer isn't all about losing weight. I do think that I'd feel better if I lost it.

He is lovely.

Did you manage to improve your self esteem? How did you do it?

I've done all the things you're supposed to do and I can see/feel a small improvement generally (eg in terms of how I see my place in the world) but, in terms of this, I can't seem to get over that last bump in the road.

I recognise the wish to switch my brain off!!

Honestly, I still have my moments but what helped me was counselling. It stemmed from deep rooted issues from my childhood. I had to do a lot of work to unpick it all.

Self-sabotage was strong and I felt like I didn't deserve love and adoration from my partner. But he loves the bones of me, just for who I am. And I can't tell him not to/control that. He just does.

I married him!!

I would try counselling op.