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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has left me. Help and advice desperately needed please.

58 replies

Tazmum01 · 06/01/2018 21:48

Trying not to drip feed, so here goes.
My DH walked out on me mid December after a shitty shitty year. I've been off work with depression/anxiety since September and he finally decided that he didn't want to 'handle all this shit' anymore.
He came home a couple of days before Christmas, moving all his stuff back and we talked loads and decided that we would both give it 100% and try to save our marriage. First couple of days were great, but his heart wasn't in it and I knew it was a matter of time before he left again, despite what he was saying.
I honestly gave it my all, enthusiasm for us and the kids, running round like a blue arsed fly trying to make him and kids happy. Maybe I tried too hard?
He left me again earlier this week, this time for good and I'm heartbroken. I can't eat or sleep and feel like all my recovery from my black time is out of the window. I've hit rock bottom.
I've got no friends to talk to, don't want to tell my parents (can't handle their judgement, especially from my mother)
The bottom line is I don't know what to do, where to turn and he won't answer calls or messages except with a thumbs up or one word answer.
I know it's over for him, but I'm so lost.
I feel like he's made a fool out of me, did he just want company over the holiday?
I really need help to stay strong. I'm doing my best to keep a smile on my face for the kids, but I'm struggling.

Please, please any positive comments or words of wisdom will be gratefully received. Tell me how you coped if you went through anything similar. I really need help.
I know I put him through hell this last year, but I'm now on medication, going to a group and trying to help myself recover from all of this. I just feel deserted when I'm finally on the way back up to the old me.

OP posts:
ohamIreally · 06/01/2018 22:08

Hello Lovely. I'm so sorry this has happened and I know how hard it is. My husband left suddenly with no warning and I had to keep things going for DD just as you are having to. Cry when you need to when alone, eat and stay hydrated, go to bed early, come on mumsnet and above all don't be ashamed or embarrassed to tell your friends- that's what really got me through the dark times. It might not feel like it but it will get better and one day you will look back and marvel at how far you've come.

ilovekitkats · 06/01/2018 23:29

You cope by the cliches, literally one day at a time, one step at a time.

When it happened to me I was heartbroken and couldn’t see how I would ever get over it, but I did, in time.

Look after yourself, if you can’t eat much, eat biscuits or crackers, a banana, drink plenty of water.

You are grieving and need to go through that process. If you are on medication , get it reviewed by your doctor and let them know what’s happened.

It’s an awful thing to go through, but I promise you, it does get better.

Abbylee · 06/01/2018 23:49

I'm so sorry. Everyone of us goes through this. I tell my children this and it is true...it happened to me more than once.
Sometimes our hearts or dreana are broken and we think we will never recover. Every time this happened (except when my mother died) what was lost was replaced with something or somebody so much unexpectedly better. Including my husband whom I met when my heart was broken.

Take a shower everyday, take your meds, put decent clothes on, take care of your children and put one foot in front of the other... do not allow yourself to become bitter.

Seek help if you need or want to.

Heartbreak is live throughable. Flowers

Original poster
Tazmum01 · 06/01/2018 23:56

Thank you so much for your support, I'm really struggling today. ohamireally, so sorry to hear what you went through, I know things will get better. One day at a time, truly words to live by, ilovekitkats.
Thank you again x
Kids all in bed and this is my worst time. I'm in bed, but my mind is racing. I know I won't sleep even though I feel exhausted.
He came earlier and collected the last of his things and that floored me.
I sent him a huge message earlier telling him all the things that I haven't had the chance to say. No reply, but I didn't expect one.
Tomorrow will be better.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tazmum01 · 07/01/2018 00:31

Thank you Abbylee. You talk complete sense, I know it will get better. Thank you sweetheart.
This is just a rough patch in my life, it won't last xxx

OP posts:
Poshindevon · 07/01/2018 06:48

Please try not to contact your husband. Sending messages and waiting for an answer that will not come is not helping you.
Learning to let go is very hard but you need to do this. Try not to dwell on the past.
You say your meds are kicking in and your going to a group. Those are positives.
Take AbbyLees advice.
Dont be hard on yourself, each day find something positive to lift your spirits no matter how small. Have your hair done, pamper yourself , dont let your husband see you wallowing in self pity.
Tell your parents/in your own time when you feel up to it
Believe me. This time will pass and you will come out strongerFlowers

NotAChristmasCakePop · 07/01/2018 07:28

Oh this sounds very very tough. Hope you got some sleep. I agree with everyone else and just do the basics to get by. Make sure you eat something, drink plenty of fluids and try and focus on things to keep you busy-ish.

There are some good videos on youtube for meditation/relaxation - may be worth putting one on in bed?

TomHardysBitontheside · 07/01/2018 07:44

Taz we have all been through this. It’s a horrible time. And I imagine you have so many unanswered questions.

My ex finally left a years ago, after coming home for a few months. I literally took each day at a time at first. It’s really important you look after yourself. Get lots of sleep. Eat and drink properly. It’s a huge cliche, but time really is a great healer.

After a while you will feel strong enough to start telling people. I was lucky as I had very supportive friends who literally carried me through the first few months.

I also kept an online diary that I found really cathartic.

You will get stronger.

ohamIreally · 07/01/2018 08:00

I just saw you said you don't have friends to talk to. I know you said you'd been signed off work and this may seem like the worst time to go back but would it not provide a distraction and a routine to go back if the meds are kicking in now? The PP who advised not to become bitter is correct - do not poison your own life with bitterness. Him taking the last of his things will have floored you - each time my ex came and took things it floored me anew but it's done now. Slowly you will make the place your own. I would start with new bedding (sales are still on) and make your room a haven for yourself. You have a long haul in front of you but many of us have been there and are here to hold your hand.

Original poster
Tazmum01 · 07/01/2018 11:12

Posh, I've blocked him on all things that I can. Messenger, on my mobile, snap chat and WhatsApp. Good advice, at least I'm not checking my phone every two minutes

OP posts:
Original poster
Tazmum01 · 07/01/2018 11:20

NotA, I'm struggling to eat, but I'm keeping a food diary and at least it's got fruit and veg on it. I've got myself some multivitamins and I'm talking those. Made list after list of all sorts. Things I didn't like about him, jobs to do, music to listen to. It is helping, but I'm pacing around a lot. I'll try the relaxation, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tazmum01 · 07/01/2018 11:23

Tom, I'm drinking plenty, but not eating so much. I've been hammering the gym and doing little exercises in the house for a distraction. Kids are all back at school tomorrow and that's going to be hard. I feel so lonely already and tomorrow will be bad. Going to make a plan for my day. I'll walk the dog perhaps, get out of the house, because although this is my safe zone (especially the kitchen for some reason) I feel better when I'm out and driving.
Thank you x

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 07/01/2018 11:27

Talk to your GP, so they can consider whether your meds need adjusting to help you with this.

How sorted are you financially?

DaphneduM · 07/01/2018 11:30

Taz, you're doing all the right things. So positive that you're going to a support group. Cliche driven, but as everyone is saying, it will get easier. While I understand the situation regarding your Mum, is there maybe an older person who can help you? I have found that weirdly someone always comes into help at the worst times of life. If things get really bad, do remember the Samaritans, who are always there to listen.

Bant · 07/01/2018 11:30

Where did he move to, when he moved out the first time. Was he in a hotel, had he organised a house for himself, was he staying with family or friends, or was there an OW?

Original poster
Tazmum01 · 07/01/2018 11:31

ohami, I've got one girl that I message from work, to say I have no-one is being unfair to her. She suffered the same thing years ago and talk via messenger, but as for IRL, I'm pretty much alone. I've learnt a lot about myself since this has been going on and while I've always thought of myself as an introvert who's happy with my own company and can entertain myself, I'm not. While we were together all I craved was since leave and quiet from him and the kids. I guess you should be careful what you wish for.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tazmum01 · 07/01/2018 11:32

*some peace and quiet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tazmum01 · 07/01/2018 11:33

ohami, the first thing I did when he left was change the bedding and buy myself a new duvet. Little things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tazmum01 · 07/01/2018 11:37

MrsBert, I've got an appointment with my GP in next over a week, she's been absolutely amazing with me. She's great. I'll ask about upping the meds when I go next.
Thank you. Worried about finances, but I paid the majority of it anyway. It scares me silly, trying not to put the heating on too much and being frugal with food, but can't cut back too much, so got kids to feed. Going to make a plan of finances. Luckily, house is paid for, but when he's wants his half I'm going to struggle.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tazmum01 · 07/01/2018 11:43

Daphne, I more or less lost touch with my few pals, in fact there was only one woman but I lost touch with her last year. She's the wife of his BF and not sure I could reach out to her now.
I'm plodding on, but it's raw and hard at the moment, I know it will ease.
Stupidly, I'm imagining myself to be a character in a book or movie and telling myself that it all turns out well and this is just a bad parch, that we get back together eventually and I have to be patient and live through it. Stupid, after how he's been, but it makes it a little easier.
Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
Tazmum01 · 07/01/2018 11:48

Bant, I saw a strange key on his keyring a while ago, before any of this. I asked him about it and he said it was a locker key from work. It bloody wasn't, it was a house key. He'd had it a while. He said he'd gone to stay with a friend, a man from work. Who knows? I instantly suspected OW, but he said not??
This is what I'm most paranoid about, the thought of him being with someone else makes me feel physically ill and I feel like I'm going to have a bloody heart attack. I can't breathe properly. I know it's the anxiety and it will pass, but it's breaking my heart.
Thank you x

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 07/01/2018 11:49

It happened to me but it was sudden, really sudden without ANY warning! I went in to shock. Lost shitloads of weight, my skin was hanging off me. I survived on Complan and the odd banana. I survived. It will take time to recover OP. It's horrendous. Many have walked your same path. We hear you xx

BackInTheRoom · 07/01/2018 11:52

Mine had an OW. I found this out 3 weeks later....tbh OP, they usually do have someone else. Rarely do they leave their family home without feathering the other nest. It's just the way these things are I'm afraid. So so cruel I know.

Peanutbuttercheese · 07/01/2018 11:53

When upset I struggle to eat all I can offer apart from writing I'm sorry your feeling so awful is some dietary advice.

Do you have a blender? Make milkshakes add cream and fruit and ice cream. It's a way to get some liquid calories down you temporarily if you really can't manage solid food easily.

I suffered a severe trauma four years ago and could barely eat for a couple of months. These milkshakes literally kept me alive though I ended up only weighing seven stone.

MrsBertBibby · 07/01/2018 11:54

Have you notified council tax he's gone? That will give you a discount.

Is he paying child support? If not, get straight onto CMS and claim. Personally, I wouldn't mess about with 'family arrangement" but go straight for them to assess him.

If you're not on a huge income, you may also get tax credits. Look at the online calculator.