DH has left me. Help and advice desperately needed please.

[Tazmum01]

Trying not to drip feed, so here goes.
My DH walked out on me mid December after a shitty shitty year. I've been off work with depression/anxiety since September and he finally decided that he didn't want to 'handle all this shit' anymore.
He came home a couple of days before Christmas, moving all his stuff back and we talked loads and decided that we would both give it 100% and try to save our marriage. First couple of days were great, but his heart wasn't in it and I knew it was a matter of time before he left again, despite what he was saying.
I honestly gave it my all, enthusiasm for us and the kids, running round like a blue arsed fly trying to make him and kids happy. Maybe I tried too hard?
He left me again earlier this week, this time for good and I'm heartbroken. I can't eat or sleep and feel like all my recovery from my black time is out of the window. I've hit rock bottom.
I've got no friends to talk to, don't want to tell my parents (can't handle their judgement, especially from my mother)
The bottom line is I don't know what to do, where to turn and he won't answer calls or messages except with a thumbs up or one word answer.
I know it's over for him, but I'm so lost.
I feel like he's made a fool out of me, did he just want company over the holiday?
I really need help to stay strong. I'm doing my best to keep a smile on my face for the kids, but I'm struggling.

Please, please any positive comments or words of wisdom will be gratefully received. Tell me how you coped if you went through anything similar. I really need help.
I know I put him through hell this last year, but I'm now on medication, going to a group and trying to help myself recover from all of this. I just feel deserted when I'm finally on the way back up to the old me.

Bibbidee, so horrible to live through. I'm 45 now and can't believe I'm going through all the pain of a heartbroken teenager or young girl in love. This was quite sudden as well, we argued on Saturday, plus on for a few days. Talked on Tuesday and within half an hour he had gone. I was in complete shock, maybe I'd got to the point where I took him for granted and he'd got fed up of it all.

I'm eating lots of bananas too, how bizarre. It's just easy to pick one up I guess, no effort.
I'm cooking for the kids, but not hungry enough to eat any of it (that's when I DO cook, that's gone out if the window as well) food smells make me feel sick.
Thank you x

I think it'll come out that he has an OW.

Since you have dc, him getting 'his share' of the house/finances isn't clear-cut - tomorrow I would get yourself an appointment with a solicitor and make sure you understand your options and rights - don't walk into any agreements with him blindly out of shock/misery. I know he's not communicating right now but at some point these things will need sorting and better to be a step ahead.

Also is he paying anything to support the dc? He needs to be doing that.

MrsBert, yes I didn't think of that! I may be eligible for tax credits and of course, should get a council tax discount now. Thank you so much for that, hadn't occurred to me at all.
He's my childrens stepfather, so none of that will apply to him. I don't earn a bad wage, but I'll still miss his contribution.
I'll get into all of this tomorrow, it'll give me a job to do.
Thank you x

category12, he's their stepfather, so won't apply.
He's still paying for my car which is in his name, but I'm paying for some of his things, which sort of evens out. I need to speak to someone, the house is in both our names, but he paid for it with some inheritance when we (he) bought it.

Peanut, I'm managing to get some gigs down, healthy stuff too. Usually fruit or carrots. I bought loads of treats in for Christmas, and haven't touched any of them. I told the kids I was getting rid of the remainder, but maybe that's a bit unfair on them.
I'm drinking loads of water and whilst I've lost a stone, I'm not wasting away. I'll keep an eye on it though.
Thank you x

*food

Tazmum you are getting some great advice on here. Definitely sort out your council tax and tax credits tomorrow. The more you can do to feel secure, the more it will help you.

I took multivitamins as well, I remember thinking that if I drank loads of water and took a multivit every day then I would somehow survive.

I didn't say it before, but others have now mentioned it, often when they leave so suddenly, it is due to another woman, so just be prepared for that. It might not be, but often it is. Once they are at that point, their mind is already engaged elsewhere and nothing you can say or do will make a difference.

There is a great book out there, called Runaway Husbands by Vikki Stark, and it has a lot of stories in there, and also advice and help on how to get through it from people who have been through it.

@Tazmum01

The reason they act so quickly, imo, is because they've been wrestling whether to leave or chose between you and the OW and something you say at that particular moment, tips the balance and they think 'fuck it' and they're gone. I could be wrong.

@ilovekitkats

Mine was a Runaway Husband and I read the book.

My STBX was a conflict avoider so stored up his unhappiness and accumulated his grievances towards me. I think the term is 'Gunnysacking'?

You cannot save a relationship when the other person doesn't voice their unhappiness. Also, we're not responsible for them having their head turned by somebody else, they have a choice to say 'no' and protect their relationship like we do. Anyway I'm getting ahead of myself here! He might not even have anyone else OP! Ignore my ramblings!

Oh my days, I can't bear the thought of that. I know what you're all saying makes so much sense, and I suppose it's been at the back of my mind, but the actual realization of it makes me feel like I can't breathe.
Even if it's not the reason he's left, eventually he'll meet someone else and it will kill me. He's that kind of man. I met him when he left his wife of many years, it was about three /four months after and I'd seen him in a 'meeting people' group on Facebook. I remember thinking that she was pathetic running after him and even stalking me on fb, but now I understand how she felt. To be deserted by the one you love, no mate how unhappy you are, is heartbreaking.

Okay, well put that aside for the moment, if you can, and concentrate on food, finances and friends

What Bant said. Get physically stronger and healthier. 💐

Bibbidee were we married to the same man . My "runaway husband" also avoided conflict and stored up a lot of petty grievances before leaving with no prior warning that anything was wrong. I had no idea that he was not happy. I had the "I don't love you any more" speech right out of nowhere.

However that was several years ago now, and whilst it was agonising at the time, I did come through it, as will you Tazmum.

Tazmum, no don't think about it, it may not apply to your situation, just look after yourself.

I've just been onto tax credits and my single claim is now sorted. Who wind have thought they were open on Sundays? One job down, many to go, but I'll chip away at them.
Thanks ladies xxx

You need to get legal advice about finances, but I wouldn't rush. I quite often have clients who rushed in in the immediate aftermath, and then a few months later come back with zero grasp or recollection of what was said.

However, it may be worth pointing out that the Court will treat your children as children of the family, and just as deserving of first consideration as if they were both of your children.

The court has the power to order him to pay maintenance for your children, and to make him wait for his share of capital until they are grown. How old are they? Does their dad pay maintenance for them?

Ilovekitkats and Bibidee same here. My ex called me from a train on his way to OW to tell me he'd left me. What a shock it is. Like a trauma really. I've worked hard to make a good life for DD and I but I'm not sure you can ever truly recover from that (and I've recovered from some horrible things).

Sorry OP didn't mean to derail.

ohamireally I agree that you never truly recover 100%. I say that it changed the person that I was forever. I carry something with me now that I didn't before, a kind of inner sadness.

However, on a positive side, it has made me stronger, it has made me deal with mental health issues that I did not realise I had at the time, like stress and anxiety. It has enabled me to remove tossers from my life, as I now do not put up with any crap from anyone.

It has also made me more sympathetic for people who grieve through death or breakup, as I now sadly totally understand how they feel.

MrsBert, we've sort of talked about money and bills, but I know how quickly things can change. All the bills come out of a big account that we both have access to. Both of the cars are paid for from his personal account,as both in his name. Mines up for renewal in a few months and I'll get it in my name, but as for now it's registered to him and I don't even have an address for him?? I don't think he'd do anything mean, but who knows? I didn't think he'd leave me but he did.
DC father doesn't pay anything towards them, but he has then weekly for a night. They honestly don't like going to him, so I'm going to ease off under the guise that I want them with me.
I will get some legal advice and see where I stand. We've decided that I owe him £34,000 for the house, which is what he put into it minus what I've already paid (long story with inheritance) saying that, it's worth a lot more if he made me sell it.

ohamireally, that's really awful. I'm so sorry for what you went through.

Ilovekitkats, I still get sad about things that have happened in my past, but it does fade, doesn't it? And this will too, I've no doubt.

@ilovekitkats

@ohamIreally

I have a deep sadness and hopelessness now. Im very cynical too. I just don't believe in love anymore. Ok to a point I do but I'm very conscious that people love you up to a point, it's not unconditional and it has a shelf life.

@ohamIreally

Mine ditched me in a supermarket, drove home, packed and was gone within 20 mins. It utterly broke me.

DC father doesn't pay anything towards them

Why?

He did for years, then lost his job. He does what he can and I'm happy with that.