Would you accept an apology from OW?

[Yeaididthat]

Just that really. If OW sent a short message via social message that said "im truely sorry for the hurt i caused you" could you accept it without responding or would it send you into a tailspin?

@annielouise Of course an OW shares some of the blame if she knowingly sleeps with a married man, but in this instance it sounds like she had no idea that he was married (because he lied to her), so I can’t see why she has any need to apologize. It would be a distraction from the fact that husband is indeed 100 percent responsible in this case.

In my case it would be the OM (my ex was seeing a guy I'd gone to school with so not only did I have to deal with being cheated on but the fact he was gay and decided to spend 5 years and have a child with me anyway).

I always felt like I should have had some sort of apology from the OM. We went to school together. We weren't friends but had mutual friends and were 'friendly', would socialise together etc. He definitely knew about me. Knew we had a child etc.

His friend actually forced him to tell my sister what had been going on in the local takeaway after a night out so that was nice 🙄

If he were to message me now then I would reply because I can look back on the experience and feel grateful for the person it made me and where I am now. I actually have zero respect for him because of the fact he has never tried to reach out, not because of the actual affair itself.

No of course I wouldn't accept an apology from OW. I would find it highly patronising of them and disrespectful. Sorry for eating your sweets. I would tell them to fuck off.
I think you are the OW anyway.

Sorry after, not me. Its once bitten twice shy here. Lacking the je ne sais quoi, figure and youth for anything like it.

It wouldn’t send me into a tailspin and I’d ignore it, but as others have said, I don’t see the point of it. It sounds like she didn’t know he was married so has nothing to apologise for.

es, the OW should be getting some of the blame. You have a responsibility to go through life not shitting on people and that includes not having an affair with a man that is married or with someone else. Basic decency.

The OW didn’t know he was married

I'm with @GertieMotherwell - I would have really appreciated an apology. A good apology. An acknowledgement that she let her own issues play a part on wrecking a family and that she wouldn't do it again. That she experienced any regret that wasn't about what it meant for her own situation. It would probably have triggered me, and made me feel like shit- but it might have enabled me to move through some of the sheer rage that I felt for her. I think if I had been the OW, I would have spent considerable time drafting an apology to the betrayed partner. My D(ickhead)H has agonised over his responses to the (justified) hate messages he received from her husband, and rightly so.

In writing this, I have been wondering whether any apology could feel good enough, and whether a shit, self-serving apology would make everything worse. But for me, I don't think so. A shit apology would enable me to dismiss some of her power from my head.

As others have said, just tell her she’s doing it to make herself feel better and it’ll make the wife feel worse.

I may be being cynical but it could also be because she wants to prolong the drama and potentially upset the apple cart given that they have stayed together..

It;s the married man who made the vows, not the OW.

Does that absolve her for having no moral compass? "Ooh, I didn't make a vow so I'm not to blame for anyone else's infidelity even though he's being unfaithful with me." Sorry, there's no logic to that argument.

(Yes, I realise the friend in question was under the impression he was separated. My point is made generally.)

OP, did your friend end the relationship immediately when she found out his wife was still in the picture?

Either way, I like AcrossThePond's analogy to the OW driving the getaway car. The OW is an accessory to the "crime."