Would you accept an apology from OW?

[Yeaididthat]

Just that really. If OW sent a short message via social message that said "im truely sorry for the hurt i caused you" could you accept it without responding or would it send you into a tailspin?

If you feel the need to apologise, it’s probably best done by message even though I wouldn’t expect a reply.

I had the OW collar me at a wedding a few years later and apologise/justify face to face then accidentally spill her drink down my dress while grovelling for my forgiveness. I nearly smacked her but she was so pathetic and I was so happy to be rid of him (and that he was now stuck with this total embarrassing mess of a nightmare wife, best revenge ever ) I was quite glad it happened.

@GertieMotherwell

Surely that's fairly obvious? It was the married man who betrayed his relationship, partner and possibly children. Yes an OW shows bad judgement and disregard for people, but nowhere near as the man who destroys the people he's supposed to love and protect.

Sorry x-post too (but I’m afraid your friend is just the hole, it’s not her problem & none of her business, if she wants to do anything then providing the wife with the whole truth is probably the best thing (no pun intended ;) )

Yes, it is selfish. She is doing it to assuage her own guilt, not for the benefit of the wife/partner/girlfriend. It will at best ring as untruthful, at worst as if she is trying to reopen the wound.

She was under the impression his wife had left. She is single. No children involved. She told the wifes sister, a friend of a friend that she had met him on Tinder and wife was made known of affair, although seemingly forgave him immediately. She is mainly sorry that she made wife aware, which was, debatably, unnecessary.

Tell her the best thing she can do for the wife is to become a kinder, more thoughtful person. As it stands she is still a selfish arsehole, making it all about her, rather than about the wife, who probably has no desire to hear from ow amd doesn't give a fuck about how 'sorry' she is! Somrpnr eho is genuinely sorry, puts the other person's feelings first.

It would be sent purely to make the OW feel better. Tell your friend to stop being so selfish. She’s already caused enough pain without twisting the knife further

In reality would it make the slightest bit of difference to that woman absolutely not.
And tbh she would get dogs abuse from me for contacting me.
(And yes I would have already gave it out to husband and flug him out)

It’s insulting to the wife. Between her and him they have ripped this woman’s world apart, changed everything irrevocably. If she knew she was the OW, then this has been done deliberately. A quick oops, my bad, is not going to cut it. She may well be in the lives if this woman and her children for a very long time. She’s already on the back foot. This message would seem gloating to me. If you were sorry, maybe you should t have been for I sting with her husband? Persuade her it’s a shitty idea to try and assage her own guilt. If she knew he was married, she deserves the guilt, and yes I’m aware he is equally to blame, but the OP question is specifically regarding the OW, bit the arsehole who is also responsible.

Sorry XPost. I still wouldn’t send the message if I were her.

You're friend is being n arsehole. I've had this done to me, and it didn't help. Self absorbed twat just wants to continue the drama.

Your friend is being an arsehole.

She wants to make herself feel better, while digging the knife in even more for the wife? Nice.

She'd be doing it for her own selfish needs.... not the Wife's...

Please try to stop her

Up on the moral highground, "there are many unjustifiable actions but no unforgiveable ones" (CS Lewis paraphrase, because forgiveness comes from the other person).

Back here in reality, I would snap back.

Shes fairly detered by the thought of ife telling her friends/co-workers/cousins (small town stuff here). Its ruining wine time.

I'd ignore her and leave her hanging.

So your friend had been led to believe the married man was separated? And now she knows he isn't and wants to apologise to the wife?

I wouldn't bother.

My first XH cheated and the OW called me to apologise etc but to be honest I wasn't remotely interested in her, I didn't hate her, I didn't really think anything about her. I just thought she had done me a favour. As soon as I knew he had cheated that was it, any love I felt went out the window and it was over. She apparently found the conversation very upsetting though and and was inconsolable afterwards. I suspect she was after attention and I was was just chatting away normally because I didn't give a shit.

I'd be annoyed that my partner had cheated with someone who couldn't spell.

Loving that CS lewis quote otherwise though

It;s the married man who made the vows, not the OW.

She's sorry that her actions caused a chain of reactions that in the end meant that a married woman found out her husband was internet dating, and passing himself off as single? To me, it's a good thing because the wife has the information and can do what she wants with it.

If she didn't know he was married, and ended the relationship the minute she found out, she didn't do anything wrong and doesn't have anything to apologize for.

As far as her logic that "its just something she has to do" I agree with you that it is VERY selfish. She is doing this to settle her own head without any regard to how it affects the wife. That's really nasty. If she truly feels bad for what the wife has already been though, why risk causing her more emotional pain? Your friend is making it about herself rather than considering how her actions affect others. Selfish, selfish, selfish.

No. She has no right to contact the wife to salve her own conscience. She will cause even more damage, hurt and upset. She needs to stay away from the wife and family.

I received a letter of apology from the OW, and in some ways it helped.

Prior to the affair being revealed, she and her DH had been our friends. I was not very close to her, but we had spent lots of time together and our DCs were friends.

Once the affair was exposed, she wrote to me to apologise. I didn't enjoy reading it at the time, mostly because I wanted to hate her, and this made it harder. But I did reply, just to say I accepted her apology but did not want any further contact.

Over the following months and years, I did find it helpful to know she had regrets. Now, I think an apology was a good thing for her to offer, bearing in mind she had betrayed our friendship.

Nearly 20 years on, she's still with her husband and I'm still with DH. We're happy, and I hope they are too. Our paths cross very rarely, but when they do we just say hello and move on.

I wouldn't responed. An odd thing to do. She wouldn't deserve any of my time taken up by responding.