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Original poster

Would you accept an apology from OW?

84 replies

Yeaididthat · 06/01/2018 21:01

Just that really. If OW sent a short message via social message that said "im truely sorry for the hurt i caused you" could you accept it without responding or would it send you into a tailspin?

OP posts:
userxx · 06/01/2018 21:36

So he was on tinder and she's feeling guilty. He's the cheating liar, not her.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 06/01/2018 21:39

When I got that message - many moons ago now - I replied that I had no wish to communicate with her at all. A few weeks later she called me twice and I put the phone down on both occasions. To ram the point home, Impaid my solicitor to send a letter stating that we would consider any further attempts at communication as harassment and would take action to deal with that. I never heard from her again.

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 06/01/2018 21:39

Hm...

I don’t know. I mean, if it was my husband I might want to know what he told the OW (=that we were apparently already divorced...)

But on the other hand. 1. I probably wouldn’t trust her. 2. Asking for forgiveness can be incredibly selfish. You either force the other person to accept it or they seem like the uncharitably ones.

I’m not religious but situations like this always remind me of Cain and Hevel. Some things just can’t be undone. Even if the wife would accept the apology.... And a cheap apology (via social media of all things??) won’t fix it. Could never improve the situation in any way at all.

DearMrDilkington · 06/01/2018 21:40

Very selfish, it sounds like she just loves the drama to be honest.

mummmy2017 · 06/01/2018 21:41

I text back..
Having just found out you were not the first or the last suggest you get a STI test, as I did..

Mind you I did know her, and she went for him over it...

LazyDailyMailJournos · 06/01/2018 21:42

Your friend feels crappy because she had an affair with a MM.

She now wants to apologise to the wife.

What she is overlooking is the fact that the drive to apologise comes from the fact that she wants to feel better. The act of apologising feels like an atonement of sorts. But she needs to realise that it's a complete selfish act because it's aimed at helping her to feel better, not the wife.

If she genuinely gives a shit about the woman whose marriage has just imploded, then the best thing she can do is to leave well alone.

DotCottonDotCom · 06/01/2018 21:42

If she didn’t know about his wife, what is she apologising for?

I’d say stay well away in this case.

KurriKurri · 06/01/2018 21:42

I would feel actually physically sick if I got a message from the other woman - she totally destroyed my life and it took a hell of a lot for me to haul myself back up from rock bottom. I never want to hear from her.

You can't apologise for wrecking someone's marriage - just go away and get on with your own life and leave the person you have hurt in peace.

If you do something horrible, then you have to live with it, not badger the person you hurt to forgive you - their forgiveness is something they will choose when and if to give, you have no right to intrude yet again on their life and stir up feelings they may have fought hard to overcome.

(I don't mean you personally OP - I see it is a friend of yours)

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 06/01/2018 21:43

Oops. I walked away in the middle of writing my comment and therefore didn’t read the update...

No children involved. She told the wifes sister, a friend of a friend that she had met him on Tinder and wife was made known of affair, although seemingly forgave him immediately. She is mainly sorry that she made wife aware, which was, debatably, unnecessary.

Well, seems like it was a genuine mistake. But I still don’t see what’s to gain. And it makes her look / sound guilty. like she should have / did know... Which isn’t what she’d want if her goal is preventing gossip, is it?

MsHomeSlice · 06/01/2018 21:47

She is seeking drama and presumably stupid enough to think the wife is going to give her blessing so she can pursue Tinderguy.

Nice friend you have there OP.

Cuckooclocks · 06/01/2018 21:55

Ignore it, she doesn’t deserve acknowledgement.
I think in an affair the MM and the OW are both to blame (assuming she knew he was married). Women who continue affairs with married men are actively hoping for devastation in someone else’s life for their own gain. I don’t know how they flipping sleep at night.

Viviennemary · 06/01/2018 21:56

No I wouldn't. What a nerve she has even daring to do this. I'd look upon it as a gross insult. Don't respond.

MammaTJ · 06/01/2018 22:10

She told the wifes sister, a friend of a friend that she had met him on Tinder and wife was made known of affair, although seemingly forgave him immediately. She is mainly sorry that she made wife aware, which was, debatably, unnecessary.

It seems that the wife has forgiven the husband, or is at least trying to work things out with him. Your friend is trying to poke the hornets nest that is their marriage and that is a cruel and unnecessary thing to do!

While I might not judge her for accidentally getting involved with a married man she met on a dating site, I certainly would judge her if she did this.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/01/2018 22:12

If she really 'cared' about the wronged wife, she'd leave her alone to live the rest of her life with dignity. Apologizing would be to rub her face in it and is to make the OW feel better.

As far as 'fault', I see it this way. In the situation where the OW knew the bastard was married, the cheating husband may have been the one to actually rob the bank, but the OW knowingly drove the getaway car! They're both at fault.

GertieMotherwell · 06/01/2018 22:13

I would have appreciated an apology.
It seems I’m in the minority but that doesn’t surprise me tbh

MiddleClassProblem · 06/01/2018 22:16

If the wife is making a go of things with her husband definitely don’t send it. It’s just dredging it up when she’s trying to move forward.

If I was the wife and we split (we probably would have) then I would be open to an apology particularly as I would be putting the blame at his door solely in this instance.

But they are together, she has to leave them to it.

lunar1 · 06/01/2018 22:17

If she genuinely didn't know she was the OW and ended it as soon as she found out I think an explanation and apology would be ok. I think I'd take comfort in that to be honest.

TheFSMisreal · 06/01/2018 22:20

She's done nothing wrong so there's nothing she needs to apologise for. If she feels she wants to to make peace with the situation then she should. She's a victim of his deceit too

gingerclementine · 06/01/2018 22:23

If she didn't know, then yes. If she did know, it's deeply self-indulgent to contact the wife.

vwlphb · 06/01/2018 22:24

If she was not aware he was married, she has nothing to apologize for. In fact, apologizing would send the message that the affair was partially her fault, and not 100 percent the fault of the dickbag husband who decided to lie and cheat.

If the wife is silly enough to forgive her scumbag husband right away, your friend’s message will only further make her spread the blame around.

If she wants to make herself feel better, she could post his photo on one of those public service sites warning women about cheaters or something.

annielouise · 06/01/2018 22:31

I don't like this attitude of the man gets 100% of the blame but the wife shouldn't have any gripe at all about the OW. What lalaland do you all live in? As if the woman cheated on can apportion her feelings so that she feels no ill will at all to the OW? Bizarre. Yes, the husband made the vows if married and owes her more but both are shits if the OW knew he was married or with someone else. Finding out your husband has cheated on you will drag up christ knows what emotions. Yes, the OW should be getting some of the blame. You have a responsibility to go through life not shitting on people and that includes not having an affair with a man that is married or with someone else. Basic decency.

annielouise · 06/01/2018 22:32

The OW should go away and not contact the woman. She's done enough damage. The apology is to salve her conscience, nothing more.

AnyFucker · 06/01/2018 22:35

Is this "OW" actually you op ?

There is another thread knocking around at the moment where the silly cow outed herself

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/01/2018 22:52

I was wondering that too, AF

WeeMcBeastie · 06/01/2018 22:54

I don’t see how your friend is at fault here if she genuinely thought he was single. I can’t see what she would gain from the apology in this situation. I’m more shocked at the fact that the wife has been told her H is on Tinder and hasn’t thrown him out! Hmm
I did have a phone call from (one of) the OW - she certainly didn’t want to apologise! I was quite interested to hear her side of the story and to confirm that EXH wasn’t being honest with me. It actually ended in quite a civil manner and she told me that I deserved better and that he’d done it before and would do it again - I wish I’d listened as she was right!
Tell your friend to leave them to it and move on.