Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is offensive isn't it?

86 replies

theodorgeisel · 06/01/2018 03:33

Hello all. This my first ever post. Didn't know whether to start a new thread or add to another.

I am furious with the message I got from my 'lover/boyfriend/friendwithbenefits'. We had discussed a week ago about going out for dinner this evening. We're both busy, so texting is always sporadic and un-gushy. He's also my ex-boss and I've known him for 15 years but the relationship is new. He can be a bit of a grump. Here goes:

We messaged yesterday, he asked if we were still on for our date, I said yes, are we still thinking of going out or are you wanting to to stay in? He said 'in then out, out then in whatever'. I thought 'okaaaay, romantic or what' but replied 'great'. Fast forward to today, I get a message at lunch saying (not asking): "See you at 7 at yours. Would it be possible to have clean sheets? Channelling my inner German so hope that is not too blunt a persona."

I was taken aback and felt it was a bit rude, perfunctory and lacking in any attempt to woo me. My reply was 'Yes, too blunt to be honest. Sheets clean yesterday but as you know I share my bed with my 6 years old and 3 year old so I do my best. No mention of dinner. Sounds like you're coming round for a shag. Let's take a raincheck'.

Am I being a dick or is he?

Thanks laydees!

OP posts:
Squeegle · 06/01/2018 03:35

Good for you.
He was very rude

Squeegle · 06/01/2018 03:35

He needs to work a LOT harder!

Weezol · 06/01/2018 03:38

Well handled imo. Cake

Original poster
theodorgeisel · 06/01/2018 03:38

thank you @Squeegle! Appreciate the support

OP posts:
Original poster
theodorgeisel · 06/01/2018 03:39

and thank you @Weezol!

OP posts:
Redblob · 06/01/2018 03:48

Have I missed something? Isn’t a friend with benefits just about the shag? I wouldn’t be expecting romance. Though manners would still be appreciated

Angelf1sh · 06/01/2018 03:50

Sounds pretty rude if he’s your boyfriend but you described him as lover/boyfriend/fwb. Despite the word friend being in fwb, really it’s just two people meeting for casual sex and if that’s what it is then I don’t see why him coming over for just sex is problematic (although asking you to change the sheets is still kind of rude).

I suppose I don’t really understand how you can not be sure if he’s your boyfriend or your fwb. They’re very different relationships and the behaviour that goes with them isn’t the same.

Scarlettpimpersmell · 06/01/2018 03:54

It sounds as if you see him as a boyfriend/lover but he is looking for a Fwb quick shag arrangement. Yes that message was charmless to say the least. Well done for telling him so, time to pull back and see if he is willing to put in a bit of effort to make this into a relationship.

SD1978 · 06/01/2018 03:55

I’m with others- is it a Romantic relationship or a FWB and both of you just having a bit of fun? I would be pissed he questioned my cleanliness, the test wouldn’t bother me as much if it was merely a convenience thing. Being German is not an excuse, I assume he has lived in the UK long enough to not be able to try and pull the I’m blunt because it’s a second language crap. I would t be benefiting him for much longer if it was me!

thebewilderness · 06/01/2018 04:00

The relationship is new so this is as good as it will ever be.
He was vague yesterday and rude today. Not much of a friend as friends go. I thought your response was appropriate to the circumstances.

Squeegle · 06/01/2018 04:00

Even a FWB should be polite and not offensive, it’s about fun after all

EasterRobin · 06/01/2018 04:09

Erm, were your sheets particularly grim on a previous occasion? I'm not sure how grim they'd have to be to warrant this sort of comment though. Nah - it's rude either way. Unless you regularly had crunchy sheets EnvyI'd be seriously unimpressed. Any one-off issue (thinking toddler fluids, yuck) surely he could grab some sheets himself if they were needed. Hmm, unless he has a pet allergy??? That would be reasonable and not offensive.

The lack of clarity on the relationship is more concerning though. You should find out if you and he even want the same kind of interaction, or much sadness lies ahead.

bimbobaggins · 06/01/2018 04:22

I wouldn’t say it was offensive, not very nice .glad you responded the way you did

AstridWhite · 06/01/2018 04:30

Sorry but I'll be honest, I wondered the same as Easter.

AstridWhite · 06/01/2018 04:34

Also, please don't have random casual relationships or FWB type scenarios in your own home while your young children there. Its not a pleasant way to grow up and they WILL hate it and resent you for it.

And don't think you so discreet that they'll never hear or notice - they will.

RemainOptimistic · 06/01/2018 04:47

Don't understand what you're gaining from this relationship. Your post made my skin crawl.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 06/01/2018 04:50

Well if he's a FWB then of course he's coming for a shag...why would you wonder where the "romance" was? Confused

He sounds like he was talking to someone he sees as a prostitute. No judgement from me but he obviously sees things differently to you.

FrancinePefko · 06/01/2018 05:10

It's all a bit alien to me but I loved your reply OP. Concise, precise, and strong. Don't message him again.

Desmondo2016 · 06/01/2018 05:16

I did like your reply but I actually admire his honesty. Sounds like last time he came round there was something yack in your bed and tbh I guess you know/had some exchange about it as you immediately made reference to your children. I'm not sure he's being that unfair. I think it's fwb to him and more of a relationship to you. You've done the right thing. Find someone who isn't so complicated.

HeebieJeebies456 · 06/01/2018 05:25

I am furious with the message I got from my 'lover/boyfriend/friendwithbenefits'

Sounds like you are not clear about the status of this 'fling'.
You're making assumptions and having expectations without making your boundaries clear.
He is making himself clear though - you're a FWB/shag piece and that's all he's interested in.
Hence he's not interested in doing 'romantic' or 'couply' things like going out on a date/drinks/food/movies with you.

You need to have a good think about what exactly you feel for and want from him - then have a conversation with him.

Ilovetolurk · 06/01/2018 05:59

I like your reply OP

Sounds to me like he was just channelling his inner twat

glow1984 · 06/01/2018 06:36

I agree with PPs. It sounds like you don’t really know what the relationship is, and maybe you’re then expecting too much.

Battleax · 06/01/2018 06:46

Well played.

I do think this is an inherent problem with "boyfriend/FWB/whatever" scenarios, though, TBH.

He's thinking "fuck buddy", you're thinking "low maintainence relationship" and the two ideas inevitably clash.

Newrules · 06/01/2018 06:54

That’s quite shocking that he asked for clean sheets. I would be offended and think you have done the right thing.

None of it sounds exciting or romantic or fun in any way. He is saying, whatever, as If he doesn’t care and you are telling him you sleep with your young children. Coming round to yours for a shag
Is not a date in a casual relationship.

mylittlepony6 · 06/01/2018 07:04

I love your reply too OP.

How dare he speak to you like that? Maybe the fact he was your boss has not gone away in his mind. Get rid.

Swipe left for the next trending thread